Ghosts of the Past
by Paisley Mae
Summary: Meredith and Derek's lives are turned upside down when a provocative young woman from Derek's past comes looking for him at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (AU, seasons 10/11). Co-written with CileSuns92.
1. Chapter 1

**Nicole's Note: Happy Valentine's Day! Thank you for clicking, and welcome to _Ghosts of the Past_. Believe it or not, this story has been a work in progress since last June. It's hard to pinpoint exactly where the idea came from. It's not like anything I've written before, but I think the idea stemmed somewhere from Irene's and my desire to give Meredith and Derek a more compelling storyline than the one they ended up having. So, this story begins somewhere between episodes 10x22 and 23 and will conclude at the end of season 11 prior to an Epilogue. **

**Most of what happened on the show is** **still true in this story. Derek still works for Obama, Cristina still moves to Switzerland, and MerDer will eventually have to face the challenges of living on separate coasts. However, there are two major differences: First, obviously, Derek won't die, and second, a young woman, who you will soon be introduced to, will play a key role in this story. How she is important will be gradually revealed in the first seven chapters (which are already written).**

 **Irene and I know original characters are difficult to sell in fanfiction, but we hope you'll give Amy and this story a chance. We've had a blast writing it. In many ways, it's been our comic relief from the _Storm_ trilogy (Not to say there won't be plenty of angst and drama to go around in this story - it's definitely far from all sunshine and daisies, but it's much lighter than _Storm_ will be for the next several chapters, so we hope this can become your 'comic relief' as well). **

* * *

_**Sometimes the heroes of our tales**_

 _ **Become part of our lives**_

 _ **Deep in our hearts they live as idyllic fantasies**_

 _ **\- Instanzia, "Ghosts of the Past"**_

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

* * *

Another life saved.

Derek Shepherd grinned with valiant satisfaction as he exited the scrub room, a pompous spark present in his steps as he strolled down the hall. He needed to wait for the patient to wake up before officially adding Daniel Fisher to his "saved lives" club, but the surgery had gone well, and Derek was confident Daniel would make a full recovery.

Appearances could be deceiving, though. In fact, in brain surgery, they often were. He couldn't count the number of surgeries he'd thought were successful, and then the patient didn't wake up, or they did wake up, but they woke up with an irreparable defect as a result of the surgery. A blind patient was still considered a success. A surgery was considered a success the minute the patient opened his eyes, whether he could see or not.

Was a surgery really a success if the patient would never see the world again? According to surgeons, it was. Of course, the patient and his family's opinion might differ.

Perspective was key.

Derek still had on his ferryboat scrub cap when he approached the front desk, where he would update Daniel's chart. He hadn't bothered taking it off, nor had he been bothered to put on a pair of fresh scrubs or collect his white coat. He was always hot and sweaty after surgery and needed time to cool off before his scheduled lunch date with Meredith and the kids.

His eyes were so focused on his charts and his mind on Meredith that he didn't even see the woman coming at him. He didn't even notice her presence when she said, "Hey, Dr. Hottie." In fact, he didn't bother looking up until she was poking his arm. "It's not nice to ignore the pretty ladies," the female voice was saying.

The girl, who looked like she must still be in high school, had wavy, dirty blond hair, and gobs of makeup surrounding her bright blue orbs. She wore tight faded blue jeans and a leather jacket. Her composure vaguely reminded him of his sister Amelia at her age. Though, she was built like Meredith. Small and thin. He knew his wife went through a wild phase as well. This girl could easily be a mix of his wife and sister as teenagers, but most teenaged girls looked the same anyway.

"You're talking to me?" he asked, looking up from his charting to give her the attention she clearly sought. "May I help you?"

"Oh, yes." She batted her eyelashes. "You can surely help me by getting a drink with me tonight and taking me to a nice hotel to get naked."

Derek couldn't help but chuckle."You're joking, right?"

"I'm dead serious," she responded, winking at him. "You and me. Come on."

He laughed again. "Who are you?" he asked. _More like, who did she think she was?_ Derek thought.

"The name's Amy," the woman replied, batting her eyelashes again.

 _Amy, huh?_ Derek immediately thought of his younger sister, who also happened to be staying with him and his family. This young woman and Amelia would be like two peas in a pod. Derek chuckled at the thought.

"I'm sorry, I'm married, but you and my sister would definitely hit it off," Derek said.

Name aside, the girl's behavior reminded him of a teenaged Amelia. Amelia had also been blunt with her flirtatious tactics to pick up random guys who weren't wearing wedding rings. Amelia had picked up a few guys from his intern class when she was around eighteen.

The girl eyed his ring finger and widened her eyes. "Sorry, I don't do vaginas. And I don't see a wedding ring. Ignoring me and lying? Wow, I must say I'm offended, Dr. Hottie."

"Dr. Hottie?" He stared blankly at her, hating the name she'd just called him more than when Meredith called him McDreamy. Okay, he didn't _hate_ when Meredith called him McDreamy. Meredith was at least cute when she called him McDreamy. Okay, this girl was cute, too. A little too cute. Kid cute. Zola cute. He couldn't recall the last time he'd been flirted with by a teenager. He wasn't even flirted with by teenagers when he _was_ a teenager. "What are you, eighteen?"

"Why's it matter? It's not like I'm underage...for sex. We can skip the drinks and go straight to the sex," she retorted confidently, a wide smile filling her oval face as she wiggled her eyebrows. "You're hot. I'm hot. Let's get naked."

If he were drinking something, he would have choked and spat all over her face. For her sake, and for his, he was grateful he wasn't drinking anything. He felt like he'd been hit with a fireball when he looked up and met Meredith's murderous gaze.

Saved by the wife.

"Meredith!" he cried out, feeling relieved as he reached to grab his wife's arm and kissed her cheek, even though he knew she hated when he kissed her at work. She had a thing about professionalism. For once, though, he had a feeling she wouldn't mind.

"Are you joining the kids and me for lunch?" she questioned assertively, locking eyes with him for a brief moment before her eyes glued to the mysterious young woman, whose face had turned beet red. Served her right for blatantly trying to seduce him in public and in front of his wife of all people. The girl had some serious nerve.

"You know I wouldn't miss lunch with my favorite people in the whole world, Dr. Grey," he grinned widely, proudly mouthing to the woman, "Married." He grabbed Meredith's hand, squeezing it firmly while she exchanged a long stare with the young woman. "Come on, Meredith, let's go." He nudged his wife, who fiercely shook her head. She broke the gaze, and both women appeared stunned by the other.

"Let's." Meredith nodded, locking arms with Derek as they waltzed off.

"Look, I can explain," he rushed to say in a hushed voice when they finally were out of earshot of the young woman.

"What is there to explain? You're hot, Dr. McDreamy. It's only natural she would want you in her bed." Meredith laughed and winked.

His own cheeks warmed.

* * *

Okay, he really wasn't that hot. Maybe he was. Amy honestly didn't think he was married. Picking up hot doctors definitely hadn't been on her agenda, though, so it was all good. There was only one doctor she needed to find, and she wasn't looking to sleep with him. Unless, of course, he was hot and interested. She wouldn't say no to an attractive man who offered. She didn't even know what this doctor looked like, though. For all she knew, he was a bald, three-hundred-pound man who wore thick, round glasses. She'd never met a three hundred pound doctor before.

However, Amy had important priorities to focus her attention on. She needed to find Dr. Derek Shepherd right away.

"Excuse me," Amy said to the middle-aged receptionist. The receptionist wore turquoise scrubs. Amy wondered if she was a nurse of some kind. Or maybe she was an orderly. The woman had grey streaks in her hair and looked like she hadn't slept since last September. She was probably divorced, too, since she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. Or maybe people in Seattle didn't wear wedding rings. Now, that was going to make getting laid on this trip hard for her. Then again, most married men don't have a problem cheating on their wives, so she'd just happened to pick the one faithful guy in the whole world to flirt with. "Could you help me find someone? A doctor."

"Do you have an appointment?" the middle-aged woman inquired.

"Um, uh, not exactly," she stammered. "I'm not a patient. I just need to talk to Dr. Shepherd. I'm, uh, an old acquaintance."

Acquaintance, you could say that. He hadn't seen her since she was a baby, but surely he would remember her. He had to remember her. She wasn't the kind of person he could easily forget.

The receptionist-nurse-orderly-whatever glared at her. "Uh huh," she heard her mumble under her breath, signaling she was not buying the claim.

"Look, please. I've come all the way across the country to see Dr. Shepherd. I'll find a way to speak with the doctor whether you help me or not," she informed, wrinkling her nose. It was much easier to use her charm on men than middle-aged lady receptionists. Unless, of course, they were faithfully married. This woman probably hadn't touched a banana since her parents conceived her, judging by how tense the muscles in her wrinkled face were.

The woman relented at that, sighing intensely. Relax, woman, Amy desperately wanted to scream, but she bit her tongue. "I'll page Dr. Shepherd right this second," the woman said.

Amy sent the woman a little glare while the receptionist-nurse hit a few buttons on her phone. She tapped her fingers on the woman's desk just to irk her more, and they kept sharing annoyed looks for a while.

Did she even have a degree, Amy wondered since the woman didn't look like the brightest crayon in the box. At all. Her eyes were too small compared to her face, almost all the way hid behind her nose and her sharp cheekbones. Man, they could sharpen knives over her face. And the bags under her eyes weren't helping matters either.

"You paged?" a hurried voice interrupted Amy's thoughts.

Amy stared at the doctor with the same dark blue scrubs as Dr. Hottie and the wife, though this one was wearing a labcoat. Her hair could be used for shampoo commercial too. She'd definitely be flirting if she liked vaginas even one bit.

"This young lady," the nurse almost grimaced when she glanced at Amy, "wanted you to be paged. Said you were acquaintances," she mumbled, using air quotes for the last part of her sentence.

What kind of respectable woman used air quotes at her age? And they were supposed to be trained medical professionals…

Amy sighed, turning towards the doctor in front of her. They were practically the same height. And she had blue eyes too. Too bad she was looking for a male doctor.

"That's not Dr. Shepherd," Amy almost groaned, and sent a murderous look to the nurse. "Are you sure you paged the right number or whatever the heck you do to page people?"

The nurse's eyes widened, as disbelief filled her features. The doctor seemed only amused by the scene.

"Seriously, I'm looking for a male doctor, and she has boobs. Unless she's transgender. I'm all down with the rainbow, I don't care, but the Dr. Shepherd I know was a man, so…"

"These boobs are all natural, trust me," the doctor interrupted before she could keep rambling endlessly. No one had found a way to effectively shut her up. It got embarrassing at times. "I think she's looking for Derek Shepherd," the doctor added, a smirk on her lips. "We get mixed up a lot," she grinned, turning towards Amy. She looked almost proud. "It feels so empowering to know he's the other Dr. Shepherd."

Amy stared at the doctor, puzzled, ignoring the nurse who was repeating the steps for a page all over again.

"He's my brother," the doctor explained. She was probably a surgeon too, Amy guessed, considering that she had the same kind of scrubs as the other one, only he was wearing a scrub cap. Or maybe they were both anesthesiologists? He'd look like the kind of guy who sits on his ass all day doing crossword puzzles or checking his stocks while people slept and surgeons worked.

Amy nodded to the doctor, trying to avoid the staring, though between staring at the maybe-surgeon and the old nurse, she definitely preferred the doc.

"Amy!" a voice called out, and Amy noticed that both she and the doctor turned around. "What is going on? I was about to go have lunch with Mere and the kids."

And of course, Dr. Hottie was walking toward them, sans scrub cap and with his white coat on, too. Damn, his hair was even more perfect now. How come all the hottest guys were married anyway?

"This girl was looking for you," the doctor shrugged, nodding towards Amy.

"You have quite the nerve," Dr. Hottie said, practically groaning. "I told you I'm married. I kissed my wife in front of you. What do you want?"

"Oh, this is interesting," Dr. Shepherd-with-boobs quipped, her eyes lightening up as the words escaped Dr. Hottie's lips. "You paged my brother to hit on him?"

Amy felt utterly confused, and kind of enraged at the woman's insinuation. She knew when to draw the line, and ring or not, the guy made it clear that he was oh-so-in-love with his wife; she wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole. She was sure he'd be a ball of cheesiness too. And she hated cheesy.

"I asked her," she glared at the nurse, who cowered a little, "to page Dr. Shepherd, and you came. Then you told me that, of course, you're not Derek Shepherd and this guy shows up?" she ranted. She didn't want to lose any more time that she had to here, and these people were making fun of her? People were pretty weird in this hospital indeed.

"I am Dr. Derek Shepherd," Dr. Hottie blurted, interrupting her.

Amy's mouth remained open mid-rant, her eyes widening even further. Her eyes went to the name printed on his chest, and she gulped.

Crap. Holy mother of all craps.

This was so not her day.

"You're Derek Shepherd?" she asked, her voice suddenly an octave higher than her usual. The other Dr. Shepherd was doubled over in laughter.

"I am," he replied, a frown on his face as he studied her.

"Okay, let me get this straight, the twelve-year-old hit on you?" the other Shepherd said, trying to contain her laughter.

"Hey, I'm not twelve!" Amy quipped, knowing her cheeks were probably beet red by that point.

"She was looking for you and she had no idea what you look like?" Boobed-Shepherd asked, laughter bubbling out of her as she held onto the reception desk to remain upright. "I should have recorded this. Lizzie would have a blast if I sent it to her!"

"Amelia, stop it!" Derek freaking Shepherd snapped, glaring at the other doctor. "Sorry about her," he grumbled. "Are you here for a consult? Because you need to schedule an appointment for that," he trailed off, turning towards Amy, slightly annoyed.

Amy froze. The moment of truth was upon her. And of course, he wouldn't recognize her; he saw her when she was a newborn, and she had changed a whole lot since then.

"No, I'm not here for a consult," she swallowed, the other doctor's laughter calming down considerably. "I think...We sort of...You were…"

Amy's tongue twisted in her mouth, and her brain was empty of words. Stupid, faulty Broca's area, failing her when she needed it the most.

"Look, do you suffer from aphasia? Was I your surgeon at some point and damaged your brain? Do you want to sue me?"

"No!" she blurted, her eyes widening at the turn of the conversation. This is so not how she imagined this to be going. She was failing miserably. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She closed her eyes too, for good measure, to block out the judgy, staring pairs of blue eyes in front of her. "We met when I was a newborn, eighteen years ago. I'm here for answers."

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: Hello, mysterious blast from the past! I know you have a million theories about Amy, please, feel free to share them with us. There's a lot we have in store for Amy and the Shepherds, so be patient. It will all be revealed in due time. Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Nicole's A/N: Thank you all for your lovely feedback! Now, who says it was _Derek_ who did something? Don't be so quick to judge the guy. ;) You'll find out exactly how Derek knows Amy in this chapter and why Amy is in Seattle. :) **

**Rest assured, the only similarity between this story and _Storm_ is Irene and I wanted to write Meredith and Derek a storyline that hadn't been explored on the show.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

* * *

Dr. Derek Shepherd's eyes glistened with blatant confusion.

"New York Presbyterian," she whispered. "You found an abandoned baby around eighteen years ago, didn't you?"

The boobed Shepherd's laughter and smiles had dissipated completely. Now, the woman looked at her brother, confusion also apparent on her too-pretty-to-be-a-surgeon face.

"Derek, what is she talking about?" Boobed Shepherd asked, sounding pretty serious now compared to her earlier teasing banter. It was about time she realized this wasn't a laughing matter.

The Shepherd with a penis sighed. (At least she assumed he had one, not that she planned on checking.)

* * *

 _Water flushed the sewers of New York City. Derek Shepherd had been on duty for eighteen straight hours, and the end seemed nowhere in sight. Had he known what he was signing up for when he'd gone to med school, he maybe would have chosen a different career path. His older sisters had all gone to med school, so by default, he wanted to follow in their footsteps. He wanted to prove that he could be better than them. That he, Derek Shepherd, could soar to greatness._

 _He had gotten into a dispute with one of his superiors. A third-year resident whose name he no longer could recall. He couldn't recall what the dispute was about, either, just it had ended with him dashing out the backdoor into the rain, in tears. He was a grown man of twenty-five-years-old. He was too old to throw a hissy fit after an argument with a superior._

 _That was when he heard the crying, and it wasn't coming from him. There she had lain. She had the brightest blue eyes and only a few strands of blonde hair. She didn't look much different than the other day-old babies he'd seen in the nursery. In a circumference of wetness, though, she was perfectly dry. Whoever had abandoned the baby cared about her safety, because she'd been set in the only dry area on the backside of the hospital._

 _She was wrapped in a pink blanket, like the ones they had on the OB floor. When he picked her up, he immediately saw a piece of colored paper sticking out from under the blanket. It was square. A post-it note. The note was stuck over the tourniquet and gauze plugging her belly button, which was clearly placed to help control the baby's bleeding after her umbilical cord had been cut._

 _He took the post-it note off her and read the words: "Amy Elizabeth."_ _Underneath the name were the words, "Beloved always."_

* * *

There were tears in the man's piercing blue eyes as he finished telling her his story. "I took you into the hospital, and that's all there is to tell," he finished.

"So, you never saw my mother?" she asked, disappointment settling in. She'd been afraid of this.

"Is that why you're here? You think I know who your mother is?"

She nodded nervously, and then Dr. Shepherd's _beloved_ wife appeared again, this time holding a blond-haired, blue-eyed little boy of around a year old, and a dark-skinned little girl of about three or four tagged along beside her. She knew a lot about kids, because she'd worked in a daycare since she was sixteen. Kids were her only haven. She felt like she had more in common with children than people her own age.

Amy patted her jean pocket, where the post-it note, presumably written by her mother, was safely tucked away in her wallet.

"Derek, what's going on?" the wifey asked her hubby, and Amy felt a sick feeling in her gut. Maybe coming to Seattle was a bad idea after all. Maybe she'd been wrong all along. Derek was only the person to find her, just like he'd told her, and he didn't know anything more about where she'd come from. She wasn't any closer to finding answers here in Seattle than she had been in New York.

For some reason, she couldn't stop staring at the little boy. He responded to her when she made silly faces by giggling. He was a cute little one, and kind of reminded her of her little brother aka her adoptive parents' miracle baby and their most prized possession.

"Daddy, who she?" the little black girl asked, making Amy's cheeks warm.

The wifey's devilish glare at her husband signaled she was wondering who the hell she was, too. After all, she _had_ witnessed her, a mysterious hot woman flirting, with _her_ husband earlier. Surely she had plenty of reasons to be concerned. But if she was really concerned about Amy being a threat, that just proved she didn't trust her husband, which meant there were deeper issues in their marriage. Not that Amy knew much about marriage or had a right to judge, but she had no clue how any marriage could survive in the long haul without trust.

There was something about Derek's wife, something Amy couldn't quite pinpoint, but she was intriguing. And very pretty as well. She and Dr. Boob Shepherd, who Amy then realized was Derek's wifey's sister-in-law, really were too pretty to be doctors. Then again, Dr. _Derek_ Shepherd himself was much too hot to be a doctor. Maybe this wasn't a real hospital, after all. Maybe it was actually a hospital soap TV set. No, that couldn't be right, because then _all_ the doctors would be cheating on their wives.

All her doctors back home were ugly and bald. Maybe she should move to Seattle, then she'd have a chance at finding Dr. Right, a hot surgeon who would never cheat on her with a younger woman. Wifey had it made. Amy would be lying if she didn't admit she was a tad jealous.

"Lovebug, this is Amy. I met her when she was a baby," Derek Shepherd's tone shifted into a much softer pitch when he spoke to the little girl. Lovebug was a peculiar name to name your daughter. Amy hoped it was a nickname.

The color in Wifey's face seemed to drain entirely out of her body.

"Like you metted me?" the girl Derek had called Lovebug asked.

"Yes, kind of like how I met you," Derek smiled, gently talking to the little girl who was evidently his and Wifey's adopted child. His eyes twinkled proudly like he was recalling a happy memory.

Suddenly Amy found herself extremely jealous of the girl. Why couldn't Derek have kept her eighteen years ago? Amy didn't know Lovebug's story, but she was willing to bet Derek and Wifey had met her at the hospital. She was probably an orphan patient they'd decided to adopt. Amy felt like bursting into tears of self-pity and envy.

She would kill to have a father like Derek. Her dad was all right, but he was a carpenter who never spoke to her with the tenderness and ease that Derek just had to Lovebug. Plus, she was pretty sure her dad's eyes never twinkled like Derek's did when he looked at Lovebug.

"How comed she no lib wif us?" Lovebug looked perplexed. Amy already liked this kid. She was one smart cookie. Having parents who are doctors must have that effect on children. Amy didn't know that for sure, though.

"Because I have my own mommy and daddy. Your daddy helped me find them," Amy explained in the simplest form she could think possible. Putting complicated situations into terms kids could understand was her specialty.

"Oh," the little girl's lips rounded. "Daddy, I hungy."

Wifey shifted the baby to her other arm and glared at her hubby. "Uh, Derek, if you want to stay and catch up with... _Amy_." There was a tender shift in her tone when she spoke Amy's name. "I can take the kids to the cafeteria by myself. It's not a big deal."

"Nonsense!" Derek responded like a knight in shining armor as a wide, corny grin grew on his pretty face. "Amy, why don't you join us for lunch? I'd love to answer any questions you have."

"Um...sure," she answered without a second thought. She'd come all this way; she was going to make the most of her trip. After all, Derek Shepherd was the only person in the world who might be able to help her find her mother.

* * *

Meredith was wearing her pissed-off face, and he had no idea why. All he'd done was invite a girl to join them for lunch. A girl he had once lulled to sleep during the first hours of her life. Meredith would do the same if a former patient of hers had approached her.

Maybe Meredith was still upset about Amy's flirtatious behavior toward him, though she hadn't seemed angry earlier about that. Or, perhaps, she'd just been looking forward lunch as a family and wasn't interested in an intruder joining them. Meredith wasn't always the most welcoming to newcomers to her circle, yet she had no problem taking in strays. Sometimes Derek didn't understand his wife's logic. He loved her all the same, though.

Derek knew Meredith was still shaken by the fact Cristina would be leaving Seattle soon. She'd announced only a few days ago that she'd be moving to Zurich at the end of the month. Meredith claimed she was happy for Cristina, but Derek feared what would happen when Cristina was actually gone. After all, he'd never known a version of his wife without Cristina Yang by her side with the exception of when they were fighting, which were never pleasant times. Cristina and Meredith had their largest fight a few months back, which had caused Meredith to be moody too. One thing was for certain, he knew that when Cristina was in Meredith's corner, Meredith was happier. It had taken him a long time to accept and to get past being jealous of Cristina's friendship with his wife. He worried what would become of his wife when her best friend was on the other side of the world.

He bought everyone, including Amy, lunch with his credit card, and then they all promptly settled down at a round table in the center of the cafeteria, so there was room for all five of them. Bailey sat on Meredith's lap. Meredith fed him from her plate, while Zola sat in between him and Meredith. Amy sat down across the table from them.

Derek smirked, taking a bite of his tuna salad. "You know, we don't bite. You can come closer." He motioned an inviting movement with his hands.

Her face reddened shyly as she obliged, sliding to the seat next to him. This was a very different Amy than the one who had flirted with him earlier. She looked vulnerable and scared now. Had the flirtatious behavior been a mask? He knew Amelia and Meredith were both prone to making inappropriate jokes in stressful situations. Amy clearly was very anxious, and rightfully so.

"So, you grew up in New York?" Derek asked in between bites.

She nodded. "Yes. In Staten Island," she said softly, sticking a hand in her pocket, pulling out a black-and-white-striped wallet. She opened the wallet and pulled out a wrinkled blue post-it note. The post-it was smaller than the one that hung in his and Meredith's bedroom. Derek recognized the note immediately.

"You kept it," he acknowledged, witnessing as the young woman gently clung to the post-it, as if it were her most prized possession.

Meredith seemed zoned out of the conversation. Her attention was focused on their son eating a spoonful of her applesauce.

"It's all I have of her," Amy said quietly, her eyes darting over to Meredith and Bailey. "It's faded now. You can barely make out what it said. _Amy Elizabeth. Beloved, always._ It's been in my wallet for years. Before, it hung on my wall in my bedroom. I started taking it with me, I guess, for good luck. I thought it would bring me good luck, anyway."

"Has it?" Derek inquired.

"I'm not sure," she admitted. "I just thought...if I could find her...then I would feel complete. In a way, I feel like she's with me always when I have the post-it with me. But actually finding her is the final piece of the puzzle."

"My momma and daddy gots married on pote-it!" Zola announced proudly, winning Meredith's attention for a moment as she looked up, annoyance clearly visible on her face.

Amy wrinkled her forehead, clearly confused.

"It's a long story," Derek explained, smiling weakly at Meredith in an attempt to lighten her bitterness, but her lips refused to part. She just gazed sternly back at him, still clearly upset.

"Maybe that's what she wanted," Meredith chipped in, her tone filled with begrudge. "For you to keep her with you like that."

Amy sighed, her eyes glistening with clear hopefulness. " _Amy_ means beloved. She went through the trouble of naming me, to making sure I knew I was beloved. I just know she would want to know that I'm okay, that I've been taken care of. She has to want to know. You don't name something and then not want to check up on them, right? I had a cat that I named when I was seven. Two years later, she ran away, and I _still_ look for her every time I look outside. Every time I see a black and white cat, I wonder if it's her. Surely my birth mom must do that too."

Meredith's face stiffened, and he sensed a rant coming. He was right.

"You can't compare giving a baby away to your cat running away. It's not the same at all. If your birth mother wanted you to find her, she would have sought you out herself, but she hasn't, so there's probably a reason for that. Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of the ghosts of her past. Did you ever think about that?" Bitterness erupted in Meredith's voice. She was seething, and Derek didn't know where all of this anger and rage was coming from. Did something happen that he'd missed?

"Meredith, -" he started to say, but was abruptly cut off when Meredith slammed her fork down and handed Bailey to him.

"I have a surgery I need to get to. Can you take the kids back to daycare?" It was more of a command than a question, because she bolted before he could answer, leaving behind her not even half-eaten plate of food. Derek believed Bailey had eaten more off her plate than she had.

He frowned, looking apologetically at Amy. "I'm sorry about that. I'm not sure what's gotten into my wife. She didn't mean what she said…" Bailey's slobber was dripping all over the place. Derek grabbed a napkin and wiped the slime off his son's chin.

Amy appeared to be deep in thought, though. Instead of responding, she abandoned the table and ran in the direction Meredith had just stormed. Right away, he noticed Amy's wallet lying on the table next to his plate.

"You forgot your…" He picked up the wallet, but Amy had vanished before he could garner her attention to give it back to her, and he couldn't leave the kids alone to run after her.

Her driver's license was neatly placed in the front sleeve of the wallet. Derek was unable to avoid catching her printed full name:

 _Amy Elizabeth Thompson._

He toyed with the possibility that she had been adopted into Meredith's half-sister's family line. Meredith's sister's last name was Thompson, if he recalled correctly. _Molly_ , that was her name, he thought. What were the odds? Unlikely, since Thompson was a common surname, so it was probably just a coincidence.

Still, he knew that a relative of Molly's popping up in Seattle would be enough to rile up his wife, so he wasn't ruling the possibility out just yet.

In fact, at this point, it was the only logical explanation he could devise to make sense of his wife's odd behavior.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: So many secrets! There's still so much to discover about Amy, but you need to stick with us to find out. Thank you for reading, let us know your conjectures in the reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Nicole's A/N: Thank you again for your feedback! Irene and I love reading your theories, so if you haven't had a chance to review yet, we'd really, really appreciate if you took a moment of your time to leave your thoughts for us. :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

* * *

"Scalpel."

The voice that filtered from the intercom had an edge in it, a layer of worry and discomfort that clashed with the confidence of the surgeon asking for the instrument.

Amy watched the operating room with fascination from the gallery, feeling like some kind of creepy stalker in her corner chair of the upper row, trying to hide in the darkness. It was like watching a show on TV, only gorier. Now she understood why people sometimes called the OR an operating theater; this was better than any Greek tragedy.

The scalpel sliced the flesh with precision, the blood barely oozing out of the wound.

"Deaver retractor, please."

"Right away, Dr. Grey," one of the scrub nurses replied, handing her the instrument.

Amy stared fascinated at the precise gestures of Dr. Meredith Grey, aka Dr. Derek Shepherd's Wifey, noticing the same bitterness and self-confidence in her barked orders to a certain Bohkee that she had used during their lunch.

From the bloody images popping on the screen and the metallic voices coming from the intercom, Amy gathered that it was a surgery on the spleen. Following some kind of emergency. And there was some trauma involving a blood vessel she had never even heard of before.

Yep, medical school was going to be a bitch to get through.

The more Dr. Meredith Grey worked though, the more her shoulders relaxed, the more her eyes seemed to dance whenever she saw the glint of a metallic blade or a needle or any bit of information that made her surgery easier. This was her arena, and she was dominating it with extreme ease.

Amy had no idea how long the surgery was supposed to last, nor how long it would be before they kicked her out of there, but it was peaceful. The OR had a quiet urgency, a tense undertone that spoke of thrills and attention to the details.

The more she sat on that hard plastic chair, the more Amy was convinced that surgery might be her calling. She wished she would have had a notepad or something with her to write on, because the surgery, while a routine one, deserved to be recorded somehow.

After the spleen was lifted out of the abdominal cavity, then carefully deposited in an oblong metal basin, Amy felt a shiver run down her spine. She was looking at a real, probably still warm and bloody spleen.

And then a pair of very angry green-gray eyes met hers, and the thrill of the surgery was gone. She swallowed thickly, holding the staring contest for an endless moment. Dr. Meredith Grey motioned with a jerk of her thumb to wait for her outside, and Amy gulped.

Amy remained frozen in her position for a good five minutes, just staring at the leading surgeon finish checking the abdominal cavity for further bleeders, then closing up. Dr. Grey's back had stiffened a little, but her hands were as steady as ever. She made suturing up the wound look like patching up a ripped pair of pants. The movements of her fingers spoke of years and years of practice. Amy looked down at her hands, staring at her own long, thin fingers, wondering if one day they would remove spleens, too.

For the remnants of the surgery, Amy kept staring at Dr. Shepherd's wife, the way her body moved around, the shape of her eyes, the wisps of blonde hair peeking from under the burgundy scrub cap. Somehow, the woman looked familiar.

Dr. Meredith Grey fascinated her and scared her at the same time. Amy guessed she had to be a little scary towards potential preys for her husband, she couldn't blame the girl for peeing all over her hot doc. Amy would pee too if he were hers. Maybe he actually liked being peed on. From the way he looked at her, Amy was pretty sure they liked kinky in the sack.

Speaking of peeing, the glare that the surgeon sent her after stepping away from the table almost made her pee her pants.

Amy took a deep breath, sliding out of the chair, before she exited the OR gallery.

She barely had time to walk down the stairs and move closer to the scrub room before Dr. Wifey barged out of the room, paper towel still in hand, a murderous look in her eyes.

"Why were you in the gallery? Don't you know the access is restricted?" she scolded, forcefully wiping the moisture from her hands before she threw the balled up paper towel into the trash with a perfect arch. Was the woman a former basketball player too or she just liked to shoot things when angry?

Amy gulped, feeling scrutinized in her every move. "I'm in pre-med. Sorta."

The surgeon's face scrunched in a frown, wordlessly intimating her to go on.

"I'm a high school senior. I was accepted in Columbia's pre-med program. I was just curious, you know? I'm in one of the best hospitals in the country, for God's sake. When in Rome, right?" Amy shrugged, winning only another frown. "When life gives you lemons?"

"I got the metaphor," Wifey replied dryly. "You could have asked, I would have found you scrubs. Or a notepad at least."

"Sorry?" Amy quirked an eyebrow, feeling more and more uncomfortable under Dr. Grey's stare.

"Wait, what are you doing in Seattle on a Tuesday if you're a high school senior?" She frowned, and Amy could already predict the long string of maternal reproaches following it. She cut her short. She knew she would hear enough of those from her actual mother when she came back to New York.

"Spring break. I don't cut classes." She rolled her eyes. Okay, maybe she did cut classes. Twice. A week. Because her Spanish teacher was the dumbest dumb that didn't even notice if people were in class or not.

"Now I know why I had so many teenagers on my table these past few days," Wifey commented, more for herself than for Amy to hear. So the woman had a sense of humor, interesting… "Why on earth are you in Seattle anyway? Teenagers usually get drunk and smash hotels on the beach during spring break."

Amy rolled her eyes again. "I wanted to get away from New York for a bit. I'm considering the peace and quiet the gift for my birthday. I turned eighteen yesterday."

Amy watched as the surgeon in front of her paled like a ghost and every muscle in her body froze. Amy stared at her in confusion, letting the silence linger between them.

Okay, Wifey was awkward. Does it come with the job, because Dr. Hottie seemed pretty weird too in his own overly-moussed, drop-dead-gorgeous way.

"What about," the doc cleared her throat, still reeling from the trivial information she had just provided. "What about a friend? Your family? Why are you here alone?"

Amy took a deep breath, trying to find the perfect words.

"You do have a family, right? People that love you and care about you?" Wifey blurted, again in her own quirky, weird way that was almost a ramble as it spilled out of her lips.

"I do. My parents love me in their own way, but they do," she admitted. Surely her mom did love her, but her dad must have some kind of affection for her too if they kept her around even after having Caden. "I just came here to find my birth mother, that's all. I saw my hospital charts and your husband's name was the only signature all over it, I figured he must have assisted with the birth or something."

"Look, Derek just found you in a box wrapped in a blanket with a post-it, he told you that. He doesn't know anything else," Dr. Grey stiffened her posture even further, her eyes showing how uncomfortable she was at the exchange. Maybe because Amy had mentioned her precious _Derek_ in her speech.

"I know that. I know that I'm back to square one, but that's okay," she snapped a little, the full realization hitting her full force.

She had no freaking clue where to find her mother in the first place. Gosh, she just wanted to know if her mother was a skanky whore or a respectable woman with no motherly instincts, was it too much to ask?

"I'm sorry," the woman said, a heartfelt undertone Amy wasn't expecting at all in her reply. They locked eyes for a moment, and Amy could see that she was genuinely sorry about her flop.

"At least I tried, right?" Amy sighed, not knowing what to make of Dr. Grey's reaction.

"At least your family loves you. That's more than some people who grow up _with_ their birth parents have," she concluded, the tension of her body slowly leaking out of her.

"At least there's that." Amy nodded, knowing that it was futile to reveal more details about her adoptive parents. The woman seemed strangely obsessed with the fact that her parents loved her. Maybe she didn't love her own kids enough? Amy was sure these people had a boatload of issues for sure, being locked in a hospital for days on end probably did that to a person.

Yeah, that made her rethink about being a surgeon. She enjoyed her mental stability.

Dr. Grey's pager beeped from her pocket, startling them both. The doc physically flinched at the intruding sound before she fumbled with the little black box, then she stringed an half-hearted apology and bolted.

Yep, the woman was definitely on the way to the cuckoo's nest.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: What's wrong with Meredith? How come she's being so weird? I know, we keep asking questions, but we promise the answers will come soon. Pay attention to all the clues scattered around, and you'll know what we're talking about. Thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Nicole's A/N: Thank you all again for your wonderful feedback and theories! You all have lovely ideas, and you'll have answers real soon. :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

* * *

Derek still had Amy's wallet in his possession five hours after she'd left the table in the cafeteria. After she bolted, he'd been unable to find her. It was as if she had left the hospital. Maybe she had, after realizing he didn't know who her mother was. Plus, he was sure that Meredith's viciousness toward her hadn't helped and may have scared her off. Meredith had basically told her that her mother didn't want to know her, which wasn't fair, since she couldn't possibly know what was going through the head of Amy's birth mother.

He needed to have a word with his wife, that was for certain.

Via text, Meredith had informed him she would meet him in the front lobby after they had established they were both off for the night. He had offered to pick up the kids from daycare.

Bailey was asleep in his carseat, since Derek had disrupted his afternoon nap. It was a rare occasion where he had picked the kids up before dinner, and an even rarer that he and Meredith were both off at the same time.

They both had a tendency to get wrapped up in their work. He was guilty of it even more now since he'd started working for the president's BRAIN Initiative Project. Meredith was still reeling from his broken promise to step back, though she'd been acting better lately and had definitely shown that she still loved him when she'd shocked him by giving his speech for him a few weeks ago when he'd fallen unexpectedly ill.

"Daddy, I wants Mac N Cheese!" Zola declared as they walked toward the lobby. "Pwease, pwease, Daddy!" Zola tugged excitedly at his arm, and he groaned at the thought, knowing that his family needed something more substantial than the boxed macaroni and cheese his daughter liked for dinner. Zola had been on a macaroni and cheese kick lately, though, and wanted it _every_ night. Zola, very much not to his surprise, added, "Wif Spongeybob!"

"I'm not sure if we have any Spongebob macaroni, Lovebug," he told her honestly.

"Then we gotsa get some, 'cuz yum yum!" Zola bounced up and down, eagerly rubbing her belly. He wished he could have half of his three-and-a-half-year-old daughter's energy. Derek didn't have the strength or the guts to tell her that all macaroni tasted the same, no matter the shape. After all, he knew Zola would argue that Spongebob shaped macaroni _did_ in fact taste better.

Derek sighed, hoping his daughter would forget all about macaroni and cheese by the time they got home, and he could get away with making something a bit healthier. Perhaps spaghetti, made with delicious whole-grain noodles, topped with big, juicy turkey meatballs. His mouth salivated. The tuna salad he'd eaten for lunch definitely had not kept him full for long.

Underneath the lingering hunger, though, were churns of worry. He worried about Amy, being eighteen and all by herself in a strange city. She may not be his daughter, and she certainly wasn't his responsibility, yet he felt like he was somewhat obligated to make sure she was all right. After all, he was the who'd found her eighteen years ago. He still remembered how pink she was, wrapped in her little blanket. Her skin was so soft, and her eyes so wide, blue, and innocent. He was the reason she'd come all the way to Seattle in the first place. If something happened to her, he felt like it would be his fault, even if it sounded barbaric.

He would be lying if he didn't admit he was slightly angry, or at least disappointed, with his wife's actions toward the young woman. The feeling still lingered when he saw his wife sauntering toward him and the kids. She looked pale, exhausted perhaps, and she didn't smile like she normally did when she saw him and the kids.

"Hi, Mama!" Zola greeted Meredith, waving excitedly.

"Hey there, Lovebug." A small, weak smile gradually formed on Meredith's lips. "How's my girl?"

"Me wants Mac N Cheese, but Daddy says we no gots Spongeybob roni!" Zola pouted, crossing her arms together, and Meredith frowned.

"Is that so?" Meredith shot him a fiery glare. "Because I could have sworn I saw a box in the cupboard this morning when I made the kids milk and cereal."

He groaned, feeling as if she was just saying that to spite him, though he knew she wouldn't say that in front of Zola unless there actually _was_ a box of Spongebob macaroni and cheese in the cupboard. Still, that was beside the point. Zola needed to eat food more nutritious than macaroni and cheese.

"I was craving spaghetti and meatballs," Derek said earnestly, trying to give his wife a genuine smile, in hopes he could win Zola and Meredith over with the idea.

"No, sketty. Ewww," Zola whined. "Mac N Cheese!"

"I'm with Zozo," Meredith nodded, patting Zola's head. "Macaroni and cheese sounds delicious."

Okay, now he knew for a fact she was saying that just to spite him.

"Meredith, what is going on with you today?" The words spilled out of his lips before he could bite his tongue.

"What do you mean? I'm fine," she responded, making his eyes roll into the back of their sockets.

"You're fine? Really?"

"Yes, really. Now, let's go," she insisted, taking Zola's hand.

He stayed put, though. His blood boiled and he'd seemed to have lost complete control of his tongue. "Why were you so hostile towards Amy today?" he blurted.

"What?" she looked blindsided. "Amelia and I are just fine."

"Not Amelia," he said. "You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb." He tried to keep his voice low, so they didn't have a gazillion eyes looking at them, but that was easier thought than done. It was late at night, fortunately, and the waiting room was a ghost town.

"I was not hostile towards anyone, Derek, and I don't appreciate you calling me _dumb_. I seriously do _not_ know what you're talking about. Now, let's go home," Meredith said firmly, tugging at Zola's hand.

He sighed loudly. Of course she would twist his words like that. She always had a way of doing that, but he wasn't going to argue with her. Not now, not here where people could hear them arguing, namely their kids, who unfortunately heard enough at home already. Also, he was not in the mood to be the center of hospital gossip again.

Just as he was about to follow Meredith's command, he heard a rustle.

* * *

Macaroni and cheese was Amy's favorite comfort food. It had been since she was a little kid. She also had grown up with Spongebob. Sometimes, she was shocked the show was still on the air. The kids at the hospital daycare loved it. At eighteen years old, Amy loved cartoons more than she had as a kid, now that she was able to pick up on all the dirty jokes that kids missed. Sometimes she was shocked at the stuff they allowed on television, but it didn't matter, since kids missed all the sexual innuendos anyway. Cartoon writers were some sick-minded people, though. If she didn't make it as a doctor, she'd considered becoming a writer, but she was terrified of becoming a starving author.

Her mouth watered as she lay flat on the floor between the empty chairs in the hospital waiting room. She was starving, and listening to Lovebug talk about Spongebob macaroni and cheese made her stomach rumble more. She thought of the kids at the daycare where she worked; Spongebob macaroni had always been a huge lunch hit.

She really had not thought this through at all. She'd purchased a round-flight ticket. Her flight was scheduled to leave on Friday, so she was trapped in Seattle for the rest of the week, unless she managed to change her flight. But she figured that would cost her a lot of money, and she couldn't afford that. She'd only brought along a twenty dollar bill as spare cash. It was all she had left after buying her plane tickets. What the hell had she expected? To find her mother, and that her mother would welcome her with open arms? That she would invite her to stay at her house, and they would spend hours upon hours catching up and getting to know each other?

She would get all of her questions answered, and then know everything she ever dreamt of knowing about her mother. Her favorite food. Her favorite conditioner. Her favorite flower. Did she love lavender too? Did she hate broccoli?

As her adopted mother and father would both say she was a dreamer. She'd always been a dreamer. She had big dreams with no clear-cut strategies to make her dreams a reality.

Well, maybe she could make twenty dollars last until Friday if she spent it wisely. Still, she had no clue where she was going to shower, and she hadn't brought clothes to change into, either, because she couldn't afford to check a luggage, and she needed her laptop and purse. Those had been her carry-ons. Apparently she'd planned on wearing her mother's clothes, too.

God, she was so _stupid_. Of course her mother wasn't in Seattle! Dr. Shepherd lived in Seattle. Her mother had obviously lived in New York City, which was where she'd been dumped.

She really had not thought this through. She would have had better luck finding her going door to door in New York City. Still, her mother could be anywhere. All Amy knew was she'd been in New York eighteen years ago. She could be in Nova Scotia or Stockholm or Australia now! Hell, she might not even be alive. Maybe she was a druggie who overdosed…

Knowing she was no closer to having answers about her birth mom and where she came from had to be the worst feeling in the world.

Her stomach growled. What she did between now and Friday didn't matter, because she needed to eat now. She'd figure the rest out somehow. Amy patted her pocket, in search of her wallet.

She realized her wallet was gone.

"Meredith, wait. I have to find Amy. I have her wallet," she heard Dr. Shepherd say. Her attention peaked, sitting upright immediately. She locked eyes with Dr. Shepherd. "Amy, there you are!" Dr. Shepherd's eyes widened when he saw her.

"What is she doing here?" Wifey asked, as if Amy were deaf or something. Lovebug's eyes widened.

"Is you playin' hide-go-seek?!" the brown-skinned child asked, running to Amy. "'Cause we founded you!" The child giggled. Gosh, she was so darn cute.

"You found me, alright." Amy smiled, using the chair beside her to lift herself up. She saw her wallet in Dr. Shepherd's hand. She swallowed, a feeling of timidness falling over her as she met Dr. Shepherd's and Wifey's expressions. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. She'd never felt this embarrassed before. She had, after all, made quite the fool of herself earlier. "T-Thanks for keeping my wallet safe, Dr. Shepherd," she said, taking her wallet from Dr. Shepherd.

"No problem," Dr. Shepherd said. He smiled. "It's Derek, by the way," he said. "I told you can call me that, right? If not, you can. Most people do. I'm not _your_ doctor right now, anyway." He chuckled, and she sensed awkwardness again.

"Right, uh...well…I should get going, I guess," she said, turning her back toward the happy, perfect family, and she couldn't control the lingering jealousy within her veins.

"Hold on," Wifey said, and Amy halted. "It's dark out, and you're in a strange city. Do you know someone in Seattle you can stay with? I know if you were my daughter, I wouldn't want you staying alone in a strange city by yourself…"

Maybe Wifey wasn't as cold as she looked.

Amy turned around and shook her head. "I was hoping to find a park bench or something to sleep on, and maybe a Taco Bell."

"You do realize it rains in Seattle, right? A lot," Wifey asked, and she smiled almost as if she were trying to make a joke, but Amy didn't find it funny. Amy hated rain. She hoped to attend college in Florida or California or somewhere where it didn't rain or snow, but she knew her parents weren't thrilled about that idea. Odds were, she would end up staying close to home, unless she found her mother and it turned out her mother really was interested in getting to know her better, but that wasn't looking so promising right now.

"I, uh…" Amy had no idea where Wifey wanted from her.

"We have a couch," Wifey said. "We don't have a spare room since Derek's sister is staying with us, but we have a couch. I'd imagine our couch is more comfortable than a park bench in the rain. We do have a roof, too."

She was inviting her to _stay_ with them?

Dr. Shepherd's - Derek's - eyes lit up. "And I make a mean taco bake," he added.

"Tacos?!" the little girl's pupils swelled. "Me wub tacos!"

"I...you're really going to trust a strange teenager in your house with your precious babies? What if I hate children?" Amy raised her eyebrows curiously. She could be a child abuser or something, for all Wifey knew.

Wifey smiled, though. "You don't. I can tell by the way you talk to my daughter." There was a warmness to Wifey's tone, so apparently she wasn't the Wicked Witch of the West. Maybe she just had been upset about Amy flirting with her precious hubby and she was over it now.

"We gunna have a slumbserparty?!" the girl named Zola exclaimed.

"Ooooh, and we can watch a movie and drink hot chocolate?" Amy suggested.

Zola's eyes widened further, and she reached her hand out to take Amy's.

"You cool. I like ya!" Zola announced.

Wifey winked.

* * *

Meredith always had a way of surprising him, Derek reflected on that truth as he browned hamburger meat over the stove. Then again, she loved taking in strays, though he sensed this was her way of making up for treating Amy badly earlier in the day.

He glanced over at his wife, who was folding down the couch. She had already brought out their spare pillows and blankets from the upstairs closet. Zola was busy picking a movie for the girls to watch tonight. So far, she had narrowed it down to _Frozen_ , _Despicable Me 2_ , and _My Little Pony: Equestria Girls_.

"What's you fave?" Zola asked Amy.

"I happen to like them all," Amy replied. Derek got the same vibe from Amy that Meredith had gotten about Amy and kids. She was a natural with them. He wondered if she had younger brothers and sisters. If not, she was definitely around them somewhere. Maybe she worked in a daycare.

"I'm sorry that we don't have an extra bed, but like I said, Derek's little sister Amy is staying with us," Meredith apologized again.

"I thought you said her name was Amelia?" Amy questioned.

"It is," Derek pitched in. "I just call her Amy," he explained. "It's been my nickname for her since she was a baby." He noticed Meredith blushing.

"It slips sometimes, because I only hear Derek call her Amy. Technically I guess he's the only one allowed to call her Amy, but I've never known her as Amelia," Meredith confessed.

"Oh," Amy said. "Well, that's going to be confusing with me around." The teenager expelled a hesitant laugh.

"I'll make sure to call her Amelia while you're here, to avoid confusion," Derek replied, though he wouldn't be surprised if Amelia didn't come home tonight. Ever since she'd been given hospital privileges at the Grey Sloan, she'd been all over the surgeries; she'd been stealing them left and right from him, though he didn't mind. His work with the president in DC was becoming more consuming, and he had a feeling the president was going to ask him to move to DC soon. He hadn't told Meredith yet, but had a meeting in DC next week, so he would know more then. The last thing Derek wanted to do was get Meredith excited without knowing for certain he was going to be asked to relocate.

Amy didn't say anything.

Dinner was a boisterous affair, with Zola chatting nonstop, and Amy joining in on the child's antics. Meredith remained quiet and reserved, though, barely touching her own taco. She seemed too focused on making sure Bailey was fed. At eleven months old, Bailey was eating more solid foods. He ate almost everything they ate now in small portions.

In the living room, _Frozen_ , the movie Zola finally chose, was already playing. Zola hadn't been able to wait to start the movie. _Let it Go_ started to blare through the house, and Zola put down her fork. "Let it gooooo," she sang loudly. "Let it goooo!"

"Zola," Meredith said sharply. "You need to finish your dinner."

"I done! Let it goooo!" Zola stood up on her chair and grabbed a spoon, holding it up to her mouth like a microphone. "I a singa! Let it goooo!"

"Zola, sit down," Derek scolded. He hated being the bad guy, but he knew if Zola didn't learn manners now, she would get herself into trouble when she was older.

"Let it goooo." Zola neglected to listen to her parents.

"Zola, we don't stand on chairs." Meredith's voice was firm and insistent. She slammed Bailey's spoon down, and Derek could see the rage building on his wife's face.

Amy smiled softly. She stood up; her plate was already empty. She reached her arms out and wrapped them around Zola, lifting her off the chair. "What are chairs for?" she gently asked the little girl.

"Sitting," Zola replied in the tiniest voice.

"That's right. Now, look down at your feet? What are you standing on?" Amy asked.

Zola squinted her eyes and moved her mouth around. "The floor?" Zola whispered.

"Exactly! We stand on floors, and we sit on chairs," Amy said.

"We stand on floors, and we sit on chairs!" Zola echoed.

Amy smiled. "Say it again."

"We stand on floors, and we sit on chairs!" Amy clapped her hands, repeating the sentence, this time in a sing-song. Zola's smile widened, and she began echoing Amy. _We stand on floors, and we sit on chairs._ Amy took Zola's hand and twirled her under her arm. Derek felt his eyes widening, and he looked at Meredith, who he could tell was also impressed.

They stopped, and Zola giggled. "Where you learn that song?"

Amy pressed her lips. "It's a secret," she said. She leaned over and whispered something, inaudible to Meredith and Derek, into Zola's ear. Whatever she said, made Zola's eyes widen.

"Zozo, you should finish your food," Meredith interjected.

Zola shook her head. "I not hungry no more," she said.

Meredith frowned. "Well, I guess you don't need a snack later."

"I wants hot cocoa, Mama!" Zola cried.

"You're not hungry." Meredith shrugged.

"Yes, I am!" Zola argued, and she slammed her bottom back on her chair and began shoveling the remaining remnants of her taco into her mouth.

* * *

Amy had made the song up, but she told the little girl that a magical fairy whispered the song into her ear. Same difference, and it was not like a three-year-old would know the difference.

Children were Amy's specialty. In fact, sometimes she felt like they were the only people she got along with. Back home, Amy didn't have many, if any, friends. She definitely didn't have any _true_ friends. Sure, she had people she could hang out with if she really wanted to, but most of the time she had no interest in spending time with them. They were all interested boring stuff, like which celebrity was dating whom and blah blah blah. Amy couldn't care less about pop culture. She preferred music not on the Billboard Top 100 and books written by unknown authors. She was weird like that, and she was perfectly okay with it. Most days.

Of course it sucked when everyone around her was talking about something that was supposed to be _so cool_ , and she had nothing to add to the conversation, much less understand what they were even talking about. She lived in her own little bubble, as her parents often told she needed to escape. They said she needed to "get out and experience the world," but she thought that statement was ironic, since she was the one exposing herself to new culture instead of following the crowd like everyone else.

That was the reason she loved children. Children didn't judge you because you thought differently than others around. Childhood imaginations were delirious and precious. Amy thought they should be cherished rather than discouraged. The fact of the matter was, adults killed creativity.

Adults told children not to color on the walls, that unicorns weren't real, that pigs couldn't fly, and the list was endless. Eventually children stopped believing in Santa Claus because either their parents told them the truth or a friend spilled the beans. Imagination didn't just vanish on its own. They disappeared because grown ups decided it was time for the child to, "Grow up."

Amy hated adults. She couldn't believe that _she_ was officially an adult now. She was eighteen years old.

Why did she still feel five, then?

She pondered this as she took a second helping of taco bake. Tacos were her weakness. She could never eat just one, and Derek was right. He made a mean taco bake. Better than Taco Bell, and that was saying a lot coming from her.

Her mother always would make remarks about Amy's slenderness. " _How can you eat so much and stay so thin? The last I weighed what you weigh, I was ten!"_ Amy figured her mother was just jealous. Her mother insisted it would catch up to her eventually when she was older and had babies, but Amy didn't put much thought into her weight. She wondered if her mother had been thin also. Though, Amy didn't care what anyone said, being skinny was just as hard as being fat. People always questioned if you had an eating disorder, and it was near impossible to find pants that weren't too baggy. She cringed every time someone said they wished they were as skinny as her.

" _Believe me, you don't_ ," she responded every freaking single time.

Before she finished eating her second helping of taco, Derek's cell phone rang. From the grimace on his face, she knew that something wasn't right.

"It's the President of the United States," he said, and Amy almost choked on the ground of beef in her mouth. He was joking, right?

His wife frowned, glancing at the clock on the wall. "Isn't it late?"

"It is. He never calls this late, so it must be important. I have to take this right away," Derek said, stepping away from the table, leaving his almost-empty plate behind. Amy could hear him saying, "Hello" as he vanished.

 _The President of the Freaking United States as in Barack Obama?_ Amy thought, starstruck as she eyed Wifey... _Meredith_ , she recalled Wifey's real first name. _Meredith_.

"He's working on a project," Meredith explained, eyeing Amy as if she knew exactly what she was thinking.

"With _the_ President of the United States?" Amy was still awe-struck.

Meredith nodded. "Yes, I don't know if you've heard of the BRAIN Initiative."

It sounded familiar. Maybe something she'd heard on NPR. She loved NPR. That was something else that set her apart from other teenagers. Most teens didn't give a crap about the news, but Amy found it more entertaining than most television dramas. After all, most TV show episodes today were inspired by real life news stories. "I think so," she said. "They're researching the brain and stuff?"

"Daddy saves brains!" Zola exclaimed. "He _vewwwwy_ smart."

"He is." Meredith nodded, smiling warmly.

Zola had emptied her plate. "All done!" Zola announced.

"Okay, it's bath time," Meredith said. She turned to Amy then. "If you want to take a shower, you're welcome to use the shower in the master bedroom. I'll be with the kids upstairs."

"Oh, ummm…" Amy blushed, thinking about the fact that she had no clothes to change into, if she were to take a shower.

"I didn't notice a suitcase with you." Meredith apparently read her mind. "I think we're about the same size. I can lend you something to wear."

"That's really nice of you," Amy said, wondering why Meredith was suddenly being so nice to her. Maybe she was over the fact that Amy had flirted with her husband earlier. Or she finally realized Amy wasn't a threat. Or maybe she just liked how good she was with Zola. Maybe she wanted to hire her as their live-in nanny or something. Amy could go for that if it meant she could quit school now and just move to Seattle. The Shepherd family seemed nice, and Zola and Bailey were cute kids. Maybe she could be an Au Pair? Though, weren't Au Pairs nannies from other countries? Amy would have to look into that. She loved the _Au Pair_ movies when she was a kid.

Seattle was sure a different world than New York.

* * *

Derek groaned when he looked at the clock. Eight o'clock. President Obama was in British Columbia, Canada, and wanted a full report on the project for a meeting. Apparently the trip was unexpected, or he would have been better prepared. Derek just hoped the president wasn't going to ask for an in-person meeting with him since he was so close to Seattle. He couldn't have called at a more inconvenient time. He knew Meredith still was not thrilled about his job, and the last thing he wanted was to get into it with Meredith with them having company tonight.

He had been on hold for thirty minutes, which was about ninety-eight percent of the phone call. He hasn't even had a chance to give the president even half of the report he was looking for. Derek looked down at his black dress pants that he wore to work and his blue collared shirt. He hadn't had time to change when he got home, since he was busy making sure they had dinner on the table.

Derek decided he might as well go change into something more comfortable, since who knew how long he was going to be on hold. His battery was already down to thirty percent, so he hoped it would not be too long.

He carried his phone with him to the master bedroom. In the bedroom, Meredith was standing in front of their dresser, staring at the drawing of the tumor that had been cut out of the wall in bedroom at their old house where Alex now lived. She wore a peach sweater and black sweatpants. Her hair was damp as if she'd just gotten out of the shower. He figured Amy was watching the kids.

They really needed a live-in nanny. He'd suggested it to Meredith a number of times, but she was completely against the idea. She hadn't confirmed it, but he sensed she'd had a bad experience with nannies when she was a kid. That, or she just didn't want anyone besides family raising their kids, since she'd never had much interaction with her family growing up. He didn't know what it would take for her to realize she was not her mother.

Derek had lain his phone on the bed and unbuttoned his shirt. Meredith did not turn around. He sensed she was upset.

He sighed deeply, stepping toward her. "Meredith, I know you're angry, but you know I can't control when the president calls, and I can't ignore his calls either." He extended his arm to touch her shoulder, suddenly getting the feeling that something was off about his wife.

She turned around, and he soon realized she was not Meredith.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: All of you have a lot of theories about Amy, and while we can't confirm nor deny what you say, we can give out clues. You only have to place them all together! Thank you for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Irene's A/N: I know, we're big fan of cliffhangers, but we're not going to let you wait any longer to know more about what's going on in the Shepherd household. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

* * *

The shock prevalent on Derek Shepherd's face made for the most awkward confrontation in Amy's short eighteen-year lifespan. "A-Amy?" Derek gasped. "I...uh…" He was shirtless and his pants were also unbuttoned.

 _Gah, this couldn't be more awkward_ , Amy thought. She didn't know what to say to him. She thought about making a joke about him being naked, but she figured it would be inappropriate. Meredith had just forgiven her for hitting on him before. Amy didn't want to flirt with a married man in his own house, with his wife upstairs with their children. She wasn't that stupid, and besides, she'd seen how her antics had made him uncomfortable before. She kind of still felt bad about that. It was just her personality. She never knew what to say to people, so she inappropriately flirted or made stupid jokes. And she rambled. A lot. Her mouth had gotten her into a lot of trouble throughout her short eighteen years. Someone should just staple her mouth shut, so she could stop making herself sound like a fool.

"What are you doing in here, and why are you wearing Meredith's clothes?" Derek asked, rummaging through his closet, apparently looking for a shirt to put on.

"Your wife said I could take a shower, so I did, and she lent me some clothes, since I was the idiot who traveled across the country without a change of clothes," Amy explained, feeling like an utter fool. Then she stormed out of the room. The _Frozen_ credits were playing to an empty living room.

One thing was for certain, though, apparently Meredith and Derek's lives weren't the fantasyland she had initially envisioned. Perhaps there was trouble in paradise as a result of Derek's work with the president. It sounded like a pretty big job opportunity. Maybe Wifey was jealous? Or maybe Derek was one of those absent fathers always in his office who hardly ever paid attention to his wife and kids. Maybe that was the reason Zola followed her mother's orders and ignored her father's during dinner. Amy hadn't made the connection until now.

Amy felt twisted for being happy that rich people had issues too, but she hated parents who didn't spend time with their children. That was one thing about her parents she had to give them credit for. Even though they were both busy adults, they always made time for her and Caden. Of course Caden had a lot more going on than she did right now, between sports and music lessons. He was her parents' little prodigy.

Amy was never athletic. She had done a stint in gymnastics when she was four, but she had refused to go back after falling off the balance beam. Her parents realized pretty early she was too clumsy to be any kind of athlete. She gave band a go in middle school, but she stopped playing the saxophone after eighth grade. Sure enough, her parents went to all of her school concerts, even if she was last chair. Music wasn't her forte, either.

She'd joined the science club in ninth grade, which she absolutely loved. Her parents attended all the school science fairs too. Even though she knew they didn't understand half of her projects, they seemed proud of her.

The couch was reclined into a bed, and blankets and pillows had been neatly set on top of the bed. Amy turned the television off, though she wasn't tired. She'd brought a book in her purse to read on the plane ride, but she'd been too anxious to read. Amy took her a book with her everywhere, because there was no telling when she would need it. She usually could read anywhere. Anywhere. Even in the supermarket line.

She wasn't in the mood to read now. Amy reached for her laptop bag and booted up her computer. Unfortunately, the Shepherds' Wi-Fi was password protected, so she put her computer back in its case.

Her heart pounded vigorously in her chest as she looked around the living room. There were pictures everywhere. On the walls. On the refrigerator. On the fireplace mantel.

She'd passed pictures in the hallway to the master bedroom, and there had been photos in the bedroom too. She'd studied the post-it on the wall. " _My momma and daddy gots married on pote-it!"_ she remembered Zola telling her at lunch. Now it made sense. They'd written their vows on a post-it note. Definitely cheesy, but romantic in a weird way. Were Derek and Meredith even legally married? They had to be to adopt, didn't they? Maybe not? Amy wasn't sure. She did know a post-it note couldn't possibly be legally binding, even if a marriage certificate was _just_ a piece of paper.

She was most fascinated by the tumor drawing on the wall, but that was most than likely the aspiring surgeon in her. Tumors had always fascinated her, ever since she watched a video in her sophomore anatomy class. That's when she knew she wanted to become a surgeon. That's also the year her grandmother passed away. She'd had an inoperable tumor in her brain that had killed her. Amy wanted to come up with a cure for inoperable tumors.

Meredith and Derek seemed to have a large family. The walls around the house were filled with photographs. There were tons of photos of Zola around the house and only a few of the baby. Amy's parents tried to keep the photos of her and Caden evenly distributed around the house, so Amy found this a little strange. Maybe it was because Zola was older and had been around longer. Maybe they just had not had time to print off many pictures of their son.

The only photos of the baby, in fact, were on the refrigerator. The photos were clearly from the first days of his life. In one of the photos, Meredith is in the hospital bed holding him, and Derek is beside her, holding Zola. They all looked so happy. There was a similar photograph in Amy's parent's house from the day Caden was born.

People Amy didn't recognize filled the frames of other photographs. There was a cute redhead next to a guy who was pretty steamy looking, even if he had salt and pepper hair and looked at least ten years older than her. The way the two in the photo looked at each other, though, Amy sensed the two were more than just friends or relatives. Next to that photo was one of an older woman. She and Meredith had the same eyes. Amy wondered if the woman was Meredith's mother.

In the hallway, Amy recalled seeing a large family photo with Derek surrounded by a lot of women. Looking at the photo with the salt and pepper haired guy and the redhead again, Amy realized he was in the photo too. Maybe this photo was of Derek's brother and his wife? Dr. Boobed Shepherd, presumably Derek's sister - the _other_ Amy - was also in the photo in the hallway. He had a huge family. Amy wondered if Derek and Meredith planned on having more children. Nonetheless, there seemed to be more photos of Derek's family around the house than Meredith's.

Amy didn't know why she was so intrigued by all these photos. It's not like she knew any of the people in them.

"What are you doing?" Meredith's hostile voice took her by surprise. Amy jumped, realizing she had taken the photo of Salt and Pepper and his maybe-wife or girlfriend off the mantel.

"I, uh...I was just looking at your photos, that's all," Amy explained, her cheeks reddening as she acknowledged the daggers flaring in Meredith's eyes. The photos were there for guests to look at, right? Why else do people display photos in their homes? She couldn't figure out why Meredith would possibly be angry about her looking at photos. Did she think she was snooping? Or that she was a thief? If she were going to steal something, it definitely wouldn't be a photograph.

* * *

Meredith Grey watched the girl put the photo of her late half-sister and Mark Sloan back on the fireplace mantel, right next to the photograph of her mother, Ellis Grey. Meredith had not wanted to put the photo up, but Derek had insisted. " _She's your mother,"_ Derek had said. " _I know you didn't have a warm and fuzzy relationship with her, but she's still your mother."_

Every time Meredith looked at the photo, she saw her mother's daggers staring back at her, and she was screaming at her, " _You're nothing but ordinary, Meredith!"_ She stiffened her shoulders as she glanced back and forth between Amy and Ellis, remembering one of the biggest fights she'd ever had with her mother, which had led to the biggest mistake of Meredith's life.

 _It was September 1995, and Meredith Grey was a broke college sophomore. She had spent her last ten dollars on a bottle of cheap tequila that she'd used a fake ID to purchase. She was only nineteen years old, so she wouldn't be able to buy a bottle legally for another two years. Somehow she was miraculously still passing all her college classes, even though she spent most of her weekend passed out with a hangover. She'd made the Dean's List both semesters of her freshman year, not that her mother cared._

" _Mom, I just need twenty dollars. Please, I need to buy groceries. You don't want me to starve, do you?" Meredith hated asking her mother for money, but she didn't have anyone else to ask. Her father had no desire to be part of her life and had not made an attempt since she was five years old._

 _She wasn't going to use that money on groceries, though, and she could tell from the look on her mother's face that knew that, too. REM was performing on October 3, and her friend had already bought tickets. However, now her friend was broke, so she wanted Meredith to pay her back now._

 _If they were just going to a bar, it wouldn't be a big deal, because she had no trouble finding guys to buy her drinks without ever being asked to pay them back. She'd been a fan of REM for as long as she could remember, and she was not going to miss out on this opportunity. She wouldn't let her mother fuck her over again._

 _Her mother's nostrils flared. "Is that alcohol on your breath?"_

" _What?" Meredith was floored. She hadn't had a drink since two a.m., and it was now seven p.m. She'd even brushed her teeth before leaving Dartmouth._

" _Meredith, don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. I am an extraordinary surgeon, and I know tequila breath when I smell it. No, I can't give you twenty dollars, because I gave you fifty last week. If you're spending your money wisely, you should have plenty of money for groceries. Maybe you should consider getting a job, like every other extraordinary person your age does. If you keep this up, Meredith, you're never going to be anything more than ordinary," Ellis growled at her, her eyes firing blazes of fire at Meredith._

" _I have a job!" Meredith quipped, rolling her eyes. She worked on campus in the cafeteria, but she only worked ten hours a week. It definitely wasn't enough hours to sustain her lifestyle._

" _Get a second! A third! When I was your age, I had four jobs. You write your own future,_ _Meredith. Stop whining and go do something about it!" Ellis shot. "I'm not giving you money anymore, Meredith. I'm cutting you off as of now. It's the only way you'll ever learn. You'll receive your trust fund after you've graduated college and have a steady job, assuming you don't do something stupid like get yourself knocked up. At this rate, I won't be surprised if you completely mess up your future."_

 _Meredith's heart raced. She wanted to kill her mother for her presumptuous remark. "I hate you! I fucking hate you! You've never done anything for me. You're the worst mother, ever. You don't deserve to be a mother, bitch!"_

" _One day you'll thank me," Ellis hissed, leaving behind an infuriated and humiliated Meredith. Dozens of eyes were staring at her._

 _Meredith had stormed out of the hospital into downpour splashing onto the Boston streets. At Dartmouth, Meredith didn't have a car, but her best friend Sadie did. When Meredith had realized she needed to ask her mom for money, she knew Sadie would be up for the road trip. Sadie loved road trips, so she had Sadie dropped her off at the hospital and told her to pick her up later. Meredith had figured they could crash at her mom's house tonight, since Meredith still had a key and Ellis was unlikely to be home._

 _Meredith was no longer sure if that was a good idea._

Meredith had a lump stuck in her throat as she studied the girl in front of her. Amy could easily be her mini clone. She reminded Meredith so much of herself at her age.

She wanted to tell Amy the truth; she really did. She _had_ to tell her eventually, but Meredith didn't even know how to begin. She knew that if Amy was anything like her - and, from what she could tell, Amy was _a lot_ like her - she would bolt. Meredith didn't know how Amy would ever forgive her for not being honest with her from the beginning.

Meredith had treated her like crap, then invited her into her home without a word. In her defense, she didn't really have a chance to explain, not with Derek and the kids there. Nobody would understand, especially not Derek. Meredith couldn't begin to wrap her head around how the daughter she'd given away eighteen years ago had ended up in her now-husband's hands. It was definitely a crazy, bizarre coincidence.

"I...uh, Zola wanted to say goodnight. I told her she had to get into bed, but you could go upstairs and say goodnight to her if you wanted. She was bummed that she couldn't stay up later and watch TV with you, but Derek and I have a strict eight p.m. bedtime with the kids because we don't want to mess up their schedule and all. You get that, right? It's hard enough getting them both up and ready for the day, so we don't want to make it any harder on us," Meredith explained, realizing she was rambling and providing Amy with unnecessary details, so she bit down on her lip. "It would mean the world to Zola if you said goodnight to her, though."

Amy shrugged. "Yeah, that's fine. I can do that." The girl smiled briskly, and Meredith led her to the stairs. She walked up the stairs behind Amy, watching her every movement: The way her hips swayed when she walked, her great posture, the way she nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.

Meredith was freaked out at the reflection she saw of herself in Amy. However, Amy seemed more grounded than Meredith had been at her age. Although she had been ballsy enough to flirt with Derek. After observing the girl all night, Meredith doubted that Amy was seriously the type to pick up a random guy. She seemed too smart for that, though Meredith had also been smart at her age, and yet she hadn't been shy about taking random guys home.

Smart, good girls often did have an unforeseeable wild side. Meredith hoped Amy wasn't already having one night stands at eighteen, although Meredith had had her first at sixteen. The idea of Amy making the same mistakes she had caused Meredith's insides to churn. Meredith wanted better for her; that was one of the reasons she had given her away.

She watched from the door as Amy waved at Zola, who was already under the cover although very much awake and eager to say goodnight to Amy.

"You gotsa stay tomorrow so we can have tea pawty!" Zola insisted.

"We'll see, maybe," Amy replied, smiling kindly. Meredith decided Amy couldn't be a bad person if she was willing to have a tea party with Zola, a little girl she barely knew.

"Amy has to go home to her family," Meredith explained.

"Why we no we be her fammy?" Zola asked, and Meredith's heart crumbled to pieces.

"Because then we'd be stealing her from her mommy and daddy," Meredith whispered, blinking away a tear that had been slowly building in her eye.

She made a choice eighteen years ago, and she had no choice but to live with it. Meredith kissed Zola's forehead and led Amy back downstairs.

"Wow, she's really taken a liking to me," Amy said. "Is she always that trusting of new people? When I was little, I didn't trust anyone. I would cry anytime my parents left me with a stranger. My parents took me to a therapist who said I had abandonment issues, even though I was only a few hours old when my mother left me."

Now Meredith's heart was really crushing, and guilt crawled inside her broken heart. She was a terrible person. She felt as if she were a worse mother than Ellis Grey.

"Actually, no," Meredith croaked. "Zola is usually pretty shy around new people. You're special, I guess. You're really good with her."

Amy smiled. "I do have a little brother, and I work in a daycare."

"That explains a lot." Meredith smiled, finding it interesting that Amy had a younger brother. She wondered if the child was her parents' biological child or if he, too, had been adopted. Meredith didn't want to make Amy uncomfortable by asking too many personal questions, though. Instead, Meredith swallowed and crossed her arms firmly, realizing she and Amy were alone behind the living room couch. _Now_ , Meredith thought, realizing now was her chance. She could come clean and tell Amy the truth, but maybe now was not a good time, seeing as she was the reason for Amy's abandonment issues. She couldn't tell her. She couldn't. "I, uh…I'm going to turn in," Meredith said, her eyes darting toward the bedroom. "If you need anything, let me know."

"Okay." Amy sighed, turning her head toward her unopened laptop case. "What's your Wi-Fi password?"

"It's _Tumors!2005._ Sometimes it's sketchy because we're in the middle of the woods, but that's the password," Meredith replied before darting toward the master bedroom.

* * *

Finally, Derek was off the phone. An hour on hold was definitely _not_ how Derek Shepherd had planned on spending his evening. He'd hoped to get a little work done in his study after the kids were asleep. It was hard to work when you were on hold with the President of the United States, and he could require your attention at any given moment. Now Derek was exhausted, and he had something else entirely on his mind.

He'd managed to change into a pair of black sweats and a blue T-shirt, but he could not stop thinking about his encounter with Amy in the bedroom. He had been so certain she was Meredith. The resemblance, now that he thought about it, was uncanny. At first he'd been embarrassed to have mistaken an eighteen-year-old kid for his wife, though Meredith might be a bit flattered. Most women were flattered when people thought they were younger.

Still, he knew his wife, and he knew her well. When they were in a crowded room, he could spot her from behind from across the room. He had her features memorized, and he was beginning to realize how many of those same features Amy also happened to have.

It was late. He was tired. Surely he was imagining it all. He'd just seen the young woman dressed in his wife's clothes, so that was why she looked like her. It was silly to dramatize the situation further.

He encountered Meredith in the hallway as he left his office. Derek had decided to put his work to rest for the night. It'd been a long, unusual day. He needed a chance to recuperate and spend some quality time with Meredith. He know he owed it to her after being so busy the past few weeks. She didn't deserve everything he'd dumped on her plate. He knew she was still angry with him, even if their fights weren't as frequent as they'd been when he first accepted his new job.

Meredith looked like she'd just seen a ghost. "Everything okay?" he asked, half expecting her to start shouting at him, though he hoped she wouldn't with company in the house. They had not had a big fight since Amelia arrived, and he liked to believe that her presence had a positive effect on their relationship. It helped that his sister was willing to help with the kids on some nights too.

"Yeah. Fine," she answered, walking into the bedroom with him.

"Did the kids go down all right?" he asked.

"Yep," she replied curtly. She began unbuttoning her blouse.

He slid behind her, helping her slide off her shirt as he nuzzled the back of her neck.

"Don't you have presidential duties?" she asked; he sensed hastiness in her tone.

"I wanted to take tonight off and spend it with you," Derek said. "I'm really sorry about the sudden phone call…"

"Whatever, Derek. You can't control it," she said, pulling away from him and opening her dresser. She took out a baggy T-shirt.

"You're mad," he sighed.

"No," she said abruptly, pulling the T-shirt over her body before sliding off her pants. "I'm not."

"Then why are you denying me a view?" He smirked, trying to lighten the mood, but he could tell that only annoyed her more by the roll of her eyes. He sighed, watching as she crawled into bed, and he followed suit. He decided to try one more time to lighten the mood. "You know," he said. "If I didn't know better, I'd say Amy is _your_ daughter."Derek laughed, meaning it purely jokingly, because there was no way it was possible. He knew the world they lived in was small, but it wasn't _that_ small.

However, Meredith's shoulders stiffened at his joke. "Why?" she asked. "Why would you say that?" Her cheeks whitened, and his smile fell.

It wasn't possible, _was it_?

"No reason, other than she just looks like you. I saw you let her borrow some clothes, which was really nice, by the way. But they're your clothes. I see you wear them all the time, so I guess I think anyone who wears them looks like you."

"I let Cristina borrow my clothes, and she doesn't look like me," Meredith contradicted.

"You let Cristina borrow your clothes? When?" Derek didn't remember seeing Cristina wearing Meredith's clothes, but he wasn't surprised to hear the twisted sisters exchanged outfits.

"My point," Meredith whispered. She stared past him with a blank expression on her face, refusing to make eye contact with him. He sensed something was off about his wife, but he didn't know what to think at this point.

"Meredith?" Derek murmured, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

Meredith flinched. She sighed and said, "Derek, there's something I should tell you."

* * *

 **Nicole A/N: Remember, sometimes answers just lead to more questions (Not to be cryptic, but Irene and I _have_ been watching a lot of Fringe). **


	6. Chapter 6

**Irene's A/N: From where we left you guys in the last chapter, it looked like Meredith has a few revelations for Derek. What could they be? I know you all have your suspicions, but read on to find out! Also, if you guys have seen Remedy, the Canadian TV show, you'll see a familiar name. If you haven't seen the show, go watch it! After reading the chapter, of course :P**

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

* * *

 _Meredith Grey stood outside the Brigham and was ready to burst into tears. For one, she was pretty sure she was going to shiver to death. She'd been stupid enough not to bring along a coat. Yesterday, the temperature was in the mid-eighties. Today, it had dropped to the sixties, but she had not thought that was cold enough to warrant wearing a coat. Somehow, though, the temperature_ _had_ _dropped at least twenty degrees while she was inside the hospital. Meredith blamed her mother's cold, bitter heart for freezing the atmosphere._

 _She crossed her arms stiffly, scoping her surroundings for Sadie's car. This was definitely the entrance that she had dropped her off at. The Brigham was huge, so it was easy to get lost. Leave it to Sadie to get lost, too._

 _Meredith wasn't about to walk around the entire hospital in this cold looking for her friend. She knew there was a nice bar called The Screaming Pigs a few blocks away. They never asked for ID, even though she had her fake one on hand, and usually had good entertainment. If Sadie knew her well enough, she would know to check all the bars if she couldn't find her at the hospital. Meredith just hoped Sadie wouldn't be dumb enough to go inside and ask for Dr. Grey. She knew Sadie wasn't the brightest bulb in their class, but Meredith hoped her friend wasn't that dumb._

 _The bar was warm, which was a relief after having ice cold rain soak her clothes. She shook her arms, but it was no use. She was still freezing to death, but she didn't have a change of clothes with her, so she was just going to have to wait for her clothes to dry. She just hoped she didn't end up getting pneumonia._

 _It only took her a few moments to find a lone wolf sitting at the counter. She couldn't see his face, but Meredith knew he was the one. Truthfully, she didn't care what he looked like as long as his dough was good._

 _She hoisted herself on the vacant bench beside the stranger, conveniently brushing her hand against his shoulder, causing him to turn toward her. It was dark in the bar, so she could barely make out his face. All she could remember was his eyes were so bright they nearly blinded her._

 _The man smiled, extending his arm. "I'm…"_

" _Don't," she interrupted, refusing to take his hand._

" _Don't what?" he asked in a puzzled, though alluring, voice._

" _We don't have to do the thing, you know, where you tell me your name, and I tell you mine. It's not important. I'm just a girl in a bar, and you're just a guy in a bar."_

"So you've used that line before, I see," Derek grumbled.

"I used it a lot," Meredith confessed. Okay, she'd used it with almost every one night stand she'd ever had. It was her secret 'code' to let the guy know she wasn't looking for anything serious, and it worked. Except once.

"And I thought I was special." Derek rolled his eyes. Meredith couldn't tell if he was teasing or not, but her heart sank.

"Will you be quiet and let me tell the story, before I decide not to tell you?" Meredith elbowed Derek, silencing him, and she continued.

" _If you say so," the man replied, and Meredith finally felt like she could relax, even if she was still soaking wet. Well, she wouldn't need foreplay, at least. She hated foreplay anyway. She preferred to dive right into the deep end._

" _Now, how about you buy me a drink?" Meredith asked, though it was more of an order. She flicked her eyelids. The man looked a little sad and uncomfortable. Maybe he was new to the bar scene. She'd never seen him around, but Boston was a big city. He didn't have a Boston accent, though, so she doubted he was a Boston native. Maybe he was new to town. She was certainly up for showing him a good time, regardless._

" _What do you want?" he asked. Score._

" _Tequila," Meredith replied, waving the bartender over their way. She noted the guy's drink was almost empty. The man's eyes widened, like most men's eyes did when she told them she wanted tequila straight._

" _What can I get you?" the bartender asked them._

" _She'll have a shot of tequila, I guess, and I'll have another glass of scotch," the man said._

" _A tequila shot, and a scotch," the bartender repeated._

" _Make that a glass, not a shot." Meredith was quick to correct. She hated when people assumed she could not handle a full glass of tequila and ordered her a shot instead. A shot definitely would not give her what she needed tonight. She was on a mission to drink a whole bottle of tequila. She didn't care if Sadie had to carry her to wherever they ended up that night, assuming they found each other eventually. If Sadie didn't find her, Meredith was sure she'd find somewhere to sleep. She was good at finding places to sleep for a night and people to sleep with. That was sort of her specialty._

" _Wow," she heard the guy next to her mutter. She could tell he didn't think she could drink a whole glass, but he was in for surprise. She was ready to impress him._

 _She rolled her eyes. "So what's your story?"_

" _I thought you didn't want to do the 'thing', as you call it," the man replied._

" _The thing, as in we don't exchange names or personal details, you know. That thing. We can have a conversation without doing that, not that I'm much of a conversationalist, but whatever. It'd be weird to just sit here in silence, no? Why are you so mopey anyway?" Meredith asked. The guy looked like he'd just witnessed a puppy's murder._

" _I'm not 'mopey'," the guy argued. The bartender set their drinks on the counter, and she watched the guy down his entire glass of scotch in one gulp. She followed suit with her tequila, and they said, "Another one," in unison._

" _You're mopey," Meredith countered._

" _Only if you tell me why you're wet," the man said._

 _Meredith laughed. "Well, it's going to work out to your benefit in a little while," she said, downing her second glass of tequila in moments._

 _She noticed his dark brows raising. "Are you even twenty-one?" he asked, and she couldn't tell if he was teasing or not. Either way, it was a little late to be asking that question, wasn't it?_

" _You're asking me that after you've just watched me down two glasses of tequila?" she asked him point blank._

" _Good point. You look young, though," he said, his blue eyes sparkling._

 _She shrugged, taking her fake ID out of her purse, and she flashed it at him. According to her ID, she was twenty-three. "I would have never have pegged you for twenty-three...Elizabeth," the man said, eying her ID carefully. Yes, she'd used her middle name as her first on her ID, for extra precautions. Her last name was also not "Grey" on her ID, either, because she wanted to avoid being tracked back to Ellis Grey as much as possible._

" _Now, are_ you _twenty-one?" she sassed. She could never accurately tell a person's age in dark bars, but she had a feeling the guy was in his mid-twenties._

" _Want to see my ID?" he asked, reaching into his pocket._

" _I'm good," she said._

" _I know your name now," he pointed out._

" _And that's where we stop. It's fine if you know my name, but we run into trouble if I know your name," Meredith insisted. "See, that's not how this works."_

" _How what works?"_

 _He really was new to this game, wasn't he? Well, she would just have to show him the ropes._

" _Elizabeth is a pretty name," the man complimented. "I have a sister named Elizabeth."_

" _Lalalala, I'm not listening." She plugged her ears for a moment, then picked up her third or fourth glass of tequila; she'd lost count._

 _Then the man was holding one of those mobile phones. She'd seen them around and of course seen the commercials on television. They were popping up all over the place. A couple of her friends in college had them. She couldn't afford one, and Ellis insisted they were unnecessary distractions. According to Ellis, only unfocused people would possibly benefit from having a phone with them everywhere they went. Meredith, however, thought it would be a nice convenience. If she and Sadie both had mobile phones, she would be able to call Sadie right now and tell her where she was. Even if Meredith used a hospital phone, she wouldn't be able to contact Sadie, since she didn't have a phone either._

 _The man stared blankly at the phone. "I think it's ringing," he said._

" _Uh, so answer it?" Meredith suggested._

" _Um...I just got this thing a week or so ago. I can never figure out how to answer it," he confessed._

 _She'd never used a mobile phone before, but she looked over his shoulder anyway. She saw a green button. Green meant go, right? It seemed logical that pressing the green button would answer the phone, so she pushed the green button. A female voice came through the speakers._

" _Hello? Is anyone there?"_

 _The man pressed the speaker up to his ear. Meredith slid away, not wanting to overhear anything too personal about the conversation, because she couldn't know. Her heart sank at the fact that it was in fact another female calling him. His wife? His girlfriend? She hadn't checked his hand for a wedding ring, though. Frankly, she didn't care much about that, either. Everyone knew men were cheaters, and it wasn't like there was anything about tonight that would trace him back to her. Meredith was always discreet for that reason. She had no intentions of becoming a homewrecker; she just wanted a good time._

" _Hello?" the man was saying. "Amy, hi. Yes….yes, it works...Yes, I'm sure...I love you, too...Bye." He shook his head. "My sister," he said, putting his phone back in his coat pocket._

" _I thought your sister's name was Elizabeth," Meredith said._

" _My other sister. Amy's the baby," the man explained. "She heard I got this new phone and wanted to see if it works."_

" _Well, I guess it works, then," Meredith chuckled, finishing another glass. She was finally beginning to feel the effects of the tequila as she moved in closer to the man. He smelled good, in between the lingering scent of booze and cologne. "So, are you gonna tell me why you're down?" she breathed in his ear, running his hand down his arm._

 _He let out a sigh. "Well, you see, I'm attending this medical conference in Boston this weekend as part of my residency, and I'm only in Boston for a few days, and it just so happens that David Bowie is performing tomorrow night. I just found out today. I'm bummed because I didn't know, and I suppose the tickets are sold out. You don't happen to know anyone with tickets, do you?"_

" _Sorry, no," Meredith said. Honestly, Bowie was too glam for her taste. Her suspicions were now confirmed, though. The guy was not a Bostonian. But he was a medical resident. Of course he was. She gritted her teeth, suspecting he knew of her mother. Fortunately, he did not know Meredith's real name._

" _Of course you don't," the man sighed deeply, and she ran her fingers across his face. "I guess I'll just go back to New York tomorrow night and not see David Bowie." He sulked, and she pretended not to hear that he'd just divulged he was from New York. The good news was, New York was a big place. The odds of them ever seeing each other again were slim to none. "Now are you going to tell me why you're wet?"_

" _Sure," she whispered in his ear. "You." His cheeks reddened. He really was an amateur at this. Oh, boy, he was in for the time of his life. An amateur band had just started to play._ Losing My Religion _was the first song on their playlist._

" _No...I mean…"_

" _Trust me, you don't want to hear about my mommy issues," she breathed in his ear._

" _Try me," he said._

" _Mmm, why don't you try me out?" She licked her lips, running her hands up and down his arms. She happened to know that the bathrooms in this bar locked quite efficiently; she'd used those locks a few times before. She brushed her lips against his face, which was a smooth, like he'd just shaven. Just the way she liked a man's face. He turned toward her and stared right into her eyes. He had a face she was sure she would never forget. She leaned forward, and she kissed his lips._

 _He tasted of scotch. It wasn't her favorite liquor, but she liked how his tongue felt in her mouth. It was warm and soft. A haze of delirium melted over her. They quickly danced out of the main bar area into the bathroom, and she locked the door behind them._

"Stop there," Derek cut her off.

Of course he didn't want to hear about her sexacapades with another guy in a bar. She didn't want to tell him, either. It wasn't one of her finest moments. None of them were, but this was the one she had buried deep in her mind for many years. Seeing Amy had forced her to remember, and here she was, divulging her deepest, darkest secret to her husband. She didn't expect him to patronize her or understand, but he deserved to know the truth about the young woman sleeping on the couch tonight.

Meredith still could not believe she was actually here, in her house. She'd tried not to think about this ever happening; she'd tried to push it out of her mind like none of this had ever happened, but her daughter was here, and Meredith couldn't hide the fact any longer.

"You had sex with a random guy you met in a bar. No surprise there," Derek said. "Do I have to ask what happened next?"

Meredith didn't know what to make of the tone in her husband's voice. It wasn't angry or harsh, but he sounded disgusted, and she didn't blame him. Meredith was disgusted with herself, too. She knew he already knew, but she felt like she had to tell him the rest of the story. It was the most important part, after all. It was the part that – as freaky and coincidental as it happened to be – connected them.

"Sadie found me at some point, I don't remember when. I was so wasted, but I woke up in her car the next morning. Honestly, it's a miracle I remember anything about that night at all," Meredith said, taking a deep breath. "Then, eight weeks later, the test was positive."

 _Fleeing. She was good at that. She was a good avoider. She fled from her mother, she fled from school responsibilities, she fled from boys every time she met them._

 _This was not something she could flee from._

 _She looked around the grimy bathroom stall, wiping away the last remnants of vomit with the back of her hand, since there was no toilet paper. She probably would have been better off vomiting on the side of the road._

 _Meredith walked out of the stall and washed her hands, hoping that the icy water could make her look less miserable. She looked awful, but she felt just as bad._

 _Her car was packed to the brim with practically all of her belongings as she fled Dartmouth and from the life she had built. She couldn't be that same girl she had been before while she was growing a human being in her uterus._

 _She didn't know much, but she knew she had to stop with the tequila and the occasional joint. And what boy would ever have sex with her while she looked like a hippo?_

 _Fleeing was the only way she knew how to deal with this._

 _Also, fleeing meant that maybe Ellis wouldn't know. She doubted she'd be happy to get a grandchild out of a one night stand. She wasn't sure she'd want grandchildren even if she were married and a surgical goddess._

 _Meredith could finally understand her mother, as much as it pained her: babies are pretty damn distracting._

 _She exhaled loudly, hoping she could keep her stomach lodged where it belonged. It was empty, so whenever she'd puke again, internal organs were the ones going. And she liked her stomach. And her intestines. Maybe even her gallbladder and her appendix._

 _The air in the restroom smelled strongly of stale pee, which was not helping matters. Meredith exited quickly, but the fumes of new tires and other mechanical parts were probably just as worse._

 _She wandered the two aisles of the gas station looking for some ginger ale, paying in cash. She didn't have much left, after Ellis had cut her off. As soon as she arrived in New York she needed a job. She might had her trust fund, but she hoped she'll have it even after the little alien residing in her stomach had wanted out. Having her trust fund meant Ellis was still in the dark about the fact that she was pregnant in the first place._

 _Ellis had to be in the dark._

 _Meredith climbed back into her car, gulping down a generous sip of her ginger ale, soothing her raw esophagus. She rested her hands on the steering wheel, staring straight ahead at the trees that went on for miles and miles. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with the baby, if she wanted to raise it or give it up, or maybe even think about abortion. Her only certainty was that she needed to find Blue Eyes again._

 _If she found him, he'd know what to do. He might even want the baby himself and she could just drop off the face of the earth and let them live their lives. Right then, she just wanted to find him._

 _Too bad she wasn't even sure what he meant when he said New York. Was it New York City? New York State? Maybe a super small town in the middle of a godforsaken forest called New Yark and she heard wrong?_

 _She felt silly looking for him, for abandoning the life she knew for the unknown, but she knew there was no other way. She couldn't stay in Dartmouth, where her professors would surely blabber everything about her pregnancy to her mother, and finding the baby daddy seemed the only rational next step._

 _Meredith hoped there'd be plenty of job opportunities in New York._

"Did you find him?" Derek asked, his look halfway between disbelief and sympathy.

"I didn't," she sighs, looking away from him. "I stayed in New York – City – for the entire pregnancy, working odd jobs at first. I worked at McDonald's for less than two days, but of course I spent more time in the bathroom puking rather than serving customers. Money was tight, but I was lucky I always had food on the table for me and the baby. I think, in spite of the circumstances, I got lucky."

" _Code blue, third floor. Code blue, third floor."_

 _Meredith sighed, leaning heavily against the handle of the mop, moving aside to let the crash cart pass through._

 _God, she hated cleaning, but at least the hospital felt familiar. All hospitals looked the same, after all, and she had spent a good portion of her life hanging around Seattle Grace; being at New York Presbyterian wasn't all that different._

" _I can't believe how can you put on weight while we work a million hours a day, Liz," Zoe grinned at her, pausing her work as well. They were friendly, but she didn't make friends. She was here on a mission, and it still wasn't accomplished._

 _She had wandered around all hospitals of the city, looking for a damn doctor with blue eyes and two sisters, who had been to a conference in Boston eight and a half months ago and liked David Bowie, but still nothing. Blue Eyes was a stupid ghost, and she was tired of being pregnant._

" _I have to put on weight, I'm having a baby," she snickered, though she lowered her voice. Her boss couldn't know._

" _Still four months away, uh? You and your husband must be thrilled."_

" _We are. but I'm still not telling Ridge just yet." She was playing charades all day long, and that was damn tiring too. Being Elizabeth Green, married to a stupid accountant and apparently loving him like there was no tomorrow was so fucking tiring while she was just a lost nineteen-year-old, living in a shared studio apartment two blocks from the hospital with five perfect strangers._

" _He'll fire your ass, I'd keep it hidden too. As long as you can work, push through."_

" _I hope I can work at least a couple more weeks," she said, and just then she felt the baby deliver a sharp kick inside of her. Thank God she looked like she was barely twenty weeks along when she was approaching her thirty-eighth week. At least this baby was cooperating._

 _She'd be free to go back to her normal life in two weeks. The baby would find a nice family and she'd go back being a normal med student and not a janitor. The idea of labor was terrifying, but at least it would mean she'd be by herself again._

 _She couldn't wait._

"You know what's odd," Derek said, looking pensive all of a sudden. "I was a resident at NY Pres while you were working there. How crazy is it that we never met before Seattle?"

"Not all that crazy, I was just a janitor," she sighed.

"I did a bunch of OB rotations too that year, I can't believe I could have delivered your baby." He shook his head, and she could see him working through all the new information she was dishing out.

Too bad it wasn't over. The shock of his life was just about to come.

"You met her."

 _The pain was unbearable._

 _The medical student hidden away under the janitor uniform knew that these weren't Braxton-Hicks and that she had to go up to OB as quickly as she could, but she had a job to do. She couldn't give up on the last mile. And she had to clean up the mess of her water breaking._

 _She finished cleaning the last room in Geriatrics, cursing the fact that it was located on the completely opposite wing from OB. And two floors above._

 _Meredith leaned against the wall, clenching her fists, exhaling and inhaling. She should have scheduled a C-section. Except they'd contact her mother at some point for the insurance, and then bye bye trust fund. She needed the money for her education. The free clinic and Planned Parenthood had kept track of the health of her and her fetus without asking all that many questions, but she needed the hospital to give birth. She'd figure out a way to pay her bills as soon as she got her hands on her trust fund._

 _She waddled down the aisle, every step she crawled ahead feeling like her vagina was about to split in two. She was never going to make it to OB. Hell, she wasn't even going to make it to the nurses' station if she kept having such strong contractions._

 _A supply closet appeared on the other side of the aisle much like a mirage, and she dragged herself inside, away from prying eyes. Not that there were many, at two in the morning. Normal people who weren't in labor were asleep in their beds at that stupid hour._

 _She moaned, as another contraction hit her with vengeance. They were too close._

 _Meredith gathered a few surgical towels and spread them on the floor in layers, then she gathered a couple of blankets and more towels, to clean up the baby. She grabbed a pair of scissors as well, and then a bucket, knowing she'll have to deliver the placenta too. Another contraction passed before she remembered about the umbilical cord, and she found a tourniquet and gauze, hoping it would be enough, since she couldn't find any clamps or clothespins._

 _She knew she was close, she could feel the pressure building, as tears started streaming down her face. This was it. It was about to be over._

 _Meredith propped herself against the locked door, grabbing a towel to muffle her screams, then she closed her eyes and took off her wet scrub pants to check her dilation. She gasped when she could practically touch the baby's head._

 _She let another contraction pass, her hands on her belly for the very last time, and then she pushed._

 _The pain was ripping her in two, and the tears were steadfast down her cheeks, but she knew she couldn't back down now. She pushed again, wishing she'd have a hand to hold, but also knowing that she could do this. She was used to being alone, she could do this too on her own._

 _Meredith reached down to cup her baby's head as soon as she pushed for a fifth time, hoping she was doing this right. She remembered a few things from her classes about labor, and she went to the library a few times to read up on everything labor-related, using it as a study occasion, but this was different. She was holding a real baby, her very real baby._

 _Passing the shoulders turned out to be hell. Hell because she had to turn the baby slightly, but also hell because she knew her vagina would never recover from this. She just hoped she wouldn't need stitches, or she was screwed._

 _Another contraction came and she pushed again, praying it would be the last, and that everything was going okay._

 _She felt the weight of her baby filling her palms as soon as she heard the very first cry. It was more like a mewl at the beginning, as she slowly brought the tiny baby closer to her chest and grabbed a towel to clean it up._

 _Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she looked down at the tiny creature she had brought into the world all by herself, now wriggling and hiccuping loudly._

 _A baby girl. The littlest baby girl she had ever seen, with angry fists, very good lungs and a head full of hair._

 _Meredith tried to clean up the afterbirth as good as she could, being especially careful of the baby's face, then she tied the tourniquet around the baby's cord, stopping the blood flow before she cut it. The baby cried louder, and she instinctively brought her closer to her chest, trying to muffle the sound._

 _She couldn't stop crying either._

 _Except she had to stop. She had to focus, in spite of the tiredness, and figure out her next steps. First and foremost, she had to remove her placenta._

 _She sighed, feeling smaller contractions still coming and she hoped she was doing this right. She pulled at the cord slowly with her free hand, as she kept her baby girl flush to her chest. She felt the blood gush out of her as she moved the bucket closer. The blood stopped trickling out of her after minutes that felt like hours._

 _After every technical move she could perform and her labor were officially over, Meredith stopped and relished the feeling of the baby girl in her arms. She was pretty sure she was never going to experience this moment again, so she wanted to remember every second. She was no mother material, she was doing the world a favor by never giving birth again._

 _Her baby girl was beautiful, though. She had no other words. Her tears had subsided as she focused on the placenta, but now they were threatening to fall again. She was sure her little baby would make some family really really happy._

" _Hi. Hi, baby girl," she whispered, unsure of what she was doing exactly, but the baby seemed to calm down at the sound of her voice._

 _Meredith wrapped the blanket a little more snugly around the baby, instinctively kissing her impossibly small forehead. An overwhelming warmth made her chest feel tight._

 _She couldn't love this baby. She couldn't._

 _Yet, she had no idea how to leave her._

 _Meredith took a deep breath, knowing that she couldn't be a fit mother, and – no matter how painful – she had to do what was best for the baby. And she wasn't the best for her._

 _She wanted to clean her and find someplace warm in the hospital for her to be found. She also had to clean up the closet and make it as if she had never stepped foot here. And then she had to get the hell out of New York. But, first things first._

" _Okay, I'm a crap mom, and you have every right to think it. I'll leave you, and you'll probably hate me for the rest of your life, but it's okay. I deserve it. I know how much it sucks to be left. But I'm doing this for you, for your future. You deserve good parents, baby girl, and I'll never be one," Meredith whispered, rubbing the baby girl's tiny arm, counting all the microscopic fingers and toes that peeked out of the blanket._

 _The baby's only response was nuzzling her nose against her scrub top, right on the swell of her breast._

" _Oh," Meredith murmured, touching the baby's cheek. "Are you hungry? Maybe I should feed you. You need food." She gulped, unsure of what to do next._

 _She sat up straighter and bent her knees, leaving the baby right in the hollow of her thighs for a moment, as she discarded her uniform and removed one breast from the confines of her bra._

 _With hesitation, Meredith picked up the baby and cradled her close, putting her lips right above her nipple. Her baby opened her mouth and closed it, trying to unsuccessfully grab the nipple. Her mouth was already searching, her little fists going into her mouth, but she couldn't do it, and Meredith had no idea what to do. She only knew she sucked at mothering._

" _I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry."_

 _Her baby kept whining and trying to feed, but she couldn't find a way to latch on. Meredith kept rubbing her back gently, relishing the new-found skin-to-skin contact, glad that she was touching every inch of her. The masochist part of her wanted to engrave every memory in her brain._

" _I know I suck at this, but I think I should name you. You'll never have anything of mine, but I think I should leave you at least that," Meredith murmured, as her baby bobbed her head and their gazes met. "I wanted to find your daddy, and I couldn't. I couldn't find a good family for you, and I couldn't keep you, but I found you a name. I hope you'll grow into it. I hope you will like Amy. Amy Elizabeth."_

 _Obviously, the baby didn't reply, but she lowered her head to roam near Meredith's breast again. She was so tiny and fragile, Meredith was worried she could break her._

" _Amy means beloved," she added, kissing the crown of her hair again, breathing her in. "I will always love you, no matter where you end up. You were my only companion for nine months, and I'll never forget this time together, Amy. I'm sorry I couldn't do better."_

 _Amy wiggled her way to Meredith's areola again, and finally, her lips closed around the nipple. She started suckling eagerly, as Meredith allowed two silent tears to fall down her cheeks._

 _Meredith had no idea for how long she allowed Amy to feed, her body ready to collapse as she closed her eyes and rested for a minute. The sounds of Amy feeding filled the closet as she sat up against a shelf, spent._

 _She still had so much to do, though._

 _When Amy decided she was done, Meredith carefully patted her back, hoping she was doing this right once again. A small burp told her she might had._

 _Ignoring how her body was screaming at her, she tried to stand up, carefully cradling the baby close. She put on a diaper for herself to avoid bleeding everywhere and another for Amy, then stole a clean gown too, grateful that this one was one well-furbished closet. They weren't janitors' scrubs, but she couldn't care less._

 _She picked up a small sponge and a bucket, wanting to clean the baby, too. She knew there was a bathroom next door, and she had never been more grateful for that fact._

 _Meredith peeked her head out of the closet, noticing with dismay that it was already five thirty and the day shift was about to start. She had to be quick._

" _Liz!" Meredith heard, and she bleached, trying to hide even further inside to cover up the bundle of blankets with Amy in it. "Elizabeth, there you are!" Zoe called out, smiling brightly. Meredith instead was practically in tears._

" _Hey," she said casually, even though it came out forced and wrong._

" _What are you doing in there?" Zoe frowned at her as she stepped closer, and right in that moment, Amy decided it was a good moment as any to start wailing. "Is that a baby?"_

 _Meredith closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She couldn't do it. she couldn't keep it a secret anymore. She liked Zoe, she just hoped she was a good secret keeper._

 _Meredith dragged the other woman inside, locking the door again behind her back._

" _What the hell happened here? Liz?" she questioned, her eyes wide when Amy's hand peeked from the blanket. "Oh my God."_

" _I was in labor."_

" _I can see that," she practically shrieked, moving closer to peek at the baby in Meredith's arms. "Oh, wow."_

" _It's a girl," Meredith murmured, watching as Zoe cooed over her tiny baby._

" _Congratulations! You should call your husband right away. I can't believe he's not here. Why didn't you call for help?"_

" _Because I can't," Meredith confessed, knowing that she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She had to give Zoe an inch of explanation, at least._

" _What do you mean? We're insured. It's crap, but it's something."_

" _I can't because I'm not Elizabeth Green. And I'm not twenty-four. And I don't have a husband," she blurted. "I'm Meredith and I'm a pre-med student from Dartmouth. I had a one night stand and got pregnant. I came here to find her father, but I have no idea where he is."_

" _Oh, wow," Zoe hummed. "Wow."_

" _My mother is a wicked witch and would have cut my trust fund if she knew I were pregnant, so I ran away. I needed the money to pay for school."_

" _Eliz...Meredith, what about the baby?"_

" _I'm giving her up for adoption. I'm leaving her in the hospital and I hope she'll find a good family."_

 _Zoe sighed, then unexpectedly pulled Meredith into a hug. A sob escaped from Meredith's lips, but she was able to stop the tears, though Amy was still hiccuping in her arms._

" _How can I help?" Zoe asked, as soon as she released Meredith. "And don't argue with me, you need help. I remember childbirth, and I'm still amazed you pulled it off on your own."_

" _It's just what I had to do, Zoe."_

" _Still, it hurts like hell. And my son wasn't even a big baby," she chuckled._

" _It was worth it," Meredith hummed, touching Amy's cheek._

" _That's for sure_ _._ " _Zoe smiled, squeezing Meredith's shoulder._

 _They remained in silence for a moment, staring down at the baby in Meredith's arms, content with the quiet, until Meredith broke it._

" _I need a bucket of water to clean her up," she said, sighing loudly. "And somewhere to put her. Clean blankets."_

" _I'm going to get some water for you, then. I'm sure there are more blankets here."_

" _I'll look for them," Meredith nodded, glad that Zoe had accepted her decision and was still willing to help._

 _Meredith rummaged through every shelf and finally found a pink blanket, neatly folded and smelling like disinfectant. It had to do. She also emptied a cardboard box containing various packages of suture kits, large enough to fit her tiny Amy in it. She used the blanket that Amy had on then as cushion, wrapping the baby in her dirty scrub top instead as they waited for the water and sponge._

 _Zoe came back a second later, locking the door behind her again, a smile on her face._

" _Alright, you hold her and I wipe her down or the other way round," Zoe proposed._

 _Meredith sighed. "I'll hold her."_

 _She watched as Zoe gently wiped down the baby with the warm water and the sponge, not missing even a spot as Amy wriggled and squirmed in her hold. Meredith tried to talk to her in soothing whispers and keeping her close to her heartbeat, hoping it would be enough. She had nothing else to offer._

 _When they were done, Zoe dried Amy, then swaddled her loosely in the clean blanket, then they placed her in the box to see if she fit. It was perfect._

" _Alright, now you need clothes and we need to clean this up. I'll be right back with my cart and your stuff," Zoe promised, leaving Meredith and Amy in the closet alone again._

 _Meredith was drained, but she knew she had to push through for just a little longer. She only had to get out of this hospital and catch a bus back to Dartmouth, then she could relax. She had plenty of time to sleep on the five-hour drive._

 _In the meantime, she sat down on the floor again and cradled Amy, feeding her again when she rooted for her nipple for a second time on the opposite side, and then relishing every second she allowed herself to spend with her baby girl. She was rocking Amy to sleep when Zoe came back with everything she had told she would get._

 _She placed Amy in the makeshift bassinet as Zoe started cleaning up the blood-soaked towels and disposing of the placenta in the medical waste. Meredith shimmied carefully into a fresh pair of scrubs, grateful that the loose pants managed to cover up most of her emergency diaper, enough to give her the chance to exit the hospital and go back to her place to pack her belongings._

" _This, whatever happened here, doesn't leave this room, are we clear?" Meredith threatened Zoe, who nodded seriously._

 _Meredith picked up Amy again as Zoe finished mopping the floor, not a speck of blood left there. Meredith was grateful the towels had helped._

" _Do you have a piece of paper?" Meredith blurted after a bit, when they were practically ready to exit the closet. And then she remembered about her bag._

 _She fished inside and found a blue stack of post-its and a blue pen. She leaned against a shelf to write a note to whoever would find her Amy, placing the stack of post-its in her pocket as soon as she was done._

" _I'll carry the box in my cart, you hide the baby," Zoe suggested with a smile, Meredith sighed. She hoped, against all odds, that the hospital would be deserted._

" _I was thinking of leaving her at the back entrance, that way they won't see me, but they'll see her. You know, under the porch."_

"And that's where I found her," Derek hummed, swallowing thickly.

"Yes," Meredith murmured.

"God, Meredith…" He raked a hand through his hair, and Meredith had no idea what he was thinking. Her cheeks were red with shame, and she couldn't look at him and see disappointment etched on his every feature. "You birthed a baby all on your own? In a closet?"

"I did."

He kept shaking his head, pacing back and forth the length of their bedroom and she felt like a prey, waiting for the lion to jump on her. He was about to burst.

"You're Amy's birth mother."

"I'm pretty sure I am," she confirmed, her eyes filling with tears again. She had cried for a good half of her story, but apparently she still had more to shed.

A throat cleared behind her, and Meredith whipped her head to meet the deep blue eyes she had just remembered leaving in a box.

"I just came to ask for a toothbrush," Amy murmured, looking lost, surprised, and angry.

Fuck.

* * *

 **Nicole's A/N: Well, now you know Meredith's side of the story. I'm sorry it took two weeks to get the answers to you. Spring has arrived, and with spring comes craziness. I hope the longer chapter makes up for it - there was a lot of information in this chapter.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Irene's A/N: Last chapter was kind of big, and we took a bit of time to set up the rest of the story. Sorry for the unexpected hiatus, but you'll see, it will be worth it. Enjoy the new chapter!**

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

* * *

Amy had known something was off about Wifey. Meredith. Mom? No, definitely not Mom. Amy's mom was back in New York. God, how could she have been so _stupid_?

She had loving parents. Sure, she'd always felt like an outcast, especially after her brother came along. She felt like her adoptive parents didn't love her enough, like she would never be a good enough daughter because she wasn't genetically related to them. This and that. That and this. She'd always felt like a piece of herself was missing, and if she could just find her birth mother, then suddenly everything would fall into place. Everything would make sense. She would suddenly feel whole and healed or whatever.

How could she have been so wrong?

She'd risked everything when she came to Seattle. Her parents weren't thrilled at the idea, but she'd fought them and eventually purchased the plane ticket with her own money. Derek Shepherd had been her only hope. He was the only one who, in her delusional brain, could point her in the direction of her mother. She'd told her parents that, and she didn't know if they were offended or if they thought they weren't good enough for her. They hadn't liked the idea of her going one bit, but she was eighteen now. They couldn't stop her.

How was she supposed to know that Derek Shepherd was _married_ to the woman who had left her? The woman who had abandoned her. Not only that, but his wife had lied. She had lied to both Amy and Derek.

Derek was just as much a victim in this mess as she, Amy decided.

She wanted to flee. She had two options: fight or flight. Flight seemed liked the best option, except one problem: she had no vehicle or money. She could call her mom and ask her to help her get on the first flight out of Seattle, but how would she get to the airport? Maybe she had just enough money for a cab, since she hadn't needed to buy herself dinner.

Amy worked through her getaway plan in her head as she stood frozen in front of Meredith and Derek.

"Amy, I…"

"Lied to me?" Amy cut Meredith off. "Never wanted me? You _knew_ you couldn't love me, after all. I wasn't good enough for you to love."

"Amy – "

"When did you put it together?" Amy spat. "Was it when you saw me flirting with your husband? Did you know the moment you saw me? Is that why you were so cold from the beginning? Hey, they say a mother always knows her child."

"I…"

"Or maybe it was during lunch, when I explained why I was here and how Derek had found me," Amy fueled. _If your birth mother wanted you to find her, she would have sought you out herself, but she hasn't, so there's probably a reason for that. Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of the ghosts of her past. Did you ever think about that?_ Meredith's vindictive voice replayed in her head, and her stomach churned.

Meredith's face paled. "Amy, I…"

"Don't _Amy_ me," she spat. "I can't believe you. You thought naming me would make what you did okay? It didn't. You did nothing for me, and then you had the audacity to _lie_ to me. Just leave me alone. I...I hate you," Amy growled, storming out of the bedroom, with no clue where she was headed. She knew one thing: she had to call her mom. Her _real_ mom. It was just past midnight in Seattle, which meant it was three o'clock in New York City if she was doing her time zone conversion right. Still, her mom would answer. Because of her job, her mom always had her phone on and next to her bed when she slept, just in case.

" _Amy, you can always call me at any time, you know,"_ her mother had told her when she'd gone to her first party in high school. Even though her parents obviously didn't condone underage drinking, they always preferred she call them wasted than trying to use the subway drunk, not that she drank much anyway. Okay, she'd been to a few wild parties, but she knew how to sober up before going home. She hated the idea of her parents _seeing_ her drunk.

She knew her mom would answer. Amy sat down on the couch bed that Meredith had made for her, the blanks not even ruffled, and she picked up her cell phone from the end table where she'd left it..

"Amy?" her mother's tired voice came through the speaker.

"Mommy, I want to come home," she whimpered, rubbing her wet eyes, suddenly feeling like she was five years old again.

* * *

Derek didn't know what to make of his wife's revelation and Amy's reaction. Truth be told, if he were Amy, he would have reacted the same. He couldn't begin to imagine being in her shoes right now.

As he stared across the room at the bed, where his wife sat, he felt numb. Amy wasn't the only one who'd been lied to. He couldn't believe that in all the years he'd known Meredith, she hadn't thought to mention she'd had a baby. Through their fertility complications, she'd never once thought to bring it up? Had she lied to their doctor, too?

 _Oh, God,_ he thought - the fertility issues. Her hostile uterus. Were they the result of an ill-prepared delivery? He didn't want to begin to _think_ of that right now.

"Go check on her," Meredith murmured, and he just stared at her. "Please. I know you probably hate me, too. Just please...make sure she's all right. For her, not me."

He looked at the post-it in the frame above their bed. _To love each other, even when we hate each other_. Except he didn't hate Meredith. He didn't think he was capable of hating his wife, especially when he looked into her eyes and saw the amount of pain that was permeating within them. He couldn't possibly hate her.

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll check on her."

In the living room, Amy sat on the couch. The back of her head faced him. He noted her long, wavy hair, and thought of how much she looked like Meredith even from behind, there was no longer any wonder why he'd mistaken her for Meredith earlier. It was all so surreal, and he was having a hard time wrapping his mind around it: Meredith had a daughter, and she'd never thought to tell him.

"Yes...okay," he heard her say. "I love you, too, and I'm sorry. You were right. Yeah, I know. I'll see you later. I can't thank you enough, Mom. I just can't wait to be home. Okay, bye." It took him a moment to see the phone. He swallowed thickly, watching her arm lower the phone away from her ear. He watched her heave a loud sigh and he closed his eyes, not quite sure how to approach her. Then she turned, facing toward him.

She had a blank look on her face when they locked eyes.

* * *

Amy's temples throbbed. Not only was she utterly exhausted and worn out; she had just received the worst news possible. Her mother didn't want her. She'd never wanted her.

Okay, she'd suspected something like that, since she was given up for adoption and all, but a tiny piece of her had held onto hope. That maybe her mother had been forced to give her up by her parents or her boyfriend or whatever. That her mother had been too sick to raise a child. Not this. And she certainly hadn't expected her birth mother to basically lie straight to her face about being her mother in the first place. It wasn't supposed to be like this. This wasn't how she was supposed to connect with her birth mother.

As she looked at Derek Shepherd, she didn't know what to think. Meredith was his wife. He loved her. She could tell he genuinely loved her by the way he looked at her. Amy was just the baby he'd taken care of for a few days before child services took her away to connect her with her adoptive parents.

Then something dawned on her.

She rolled her eyes, and blurted out, "What, are you my father too?" Her cheeks warmed, and she realized how stupid her statement was soon after saying it, because she remembered Meredith saying that she had no idea who her father was. Her father was one of her many one night stands. Amy doubted Meredith had a way of knowing which one night stand was really her father. How did she know it was even really the guy she'd met in the bar? She sounded like the type who got drunk and fucked random guys on a regular basis.

Amy was disgusted. She'd never once pictured that her birth mother was a whore. She'd thought that her birth mom was probably young and in love, and she and her boyfriend weren't ready to care for a baby. That had been the picture in her mind. She never anticipated that finding her birth dad would be like finding a needle in a haystack, aka impossible.

There went her dream of reuniting with her birth family, and she no longer desired to get to know Meredith. Period.

She was fuming.

Derek tensed up when she asked the question. It had to be awkward for him, finding out about his wife's secret past. "Amy, I…"

"Nevermind," Amy snapped. "I guess it's not your fault your wife's a whore."

Derek gritted his teeth. "Don't call her that," he said defensively.

Amy shrugged. "She is."

"Amy, I must say, it's interesting that _you_ would be using such a word," Derek said, and her eyes widened. Was this about how she'd flirted with him? Surely he didn't think she was actually _serious_ , did he?

"Look, I was just joking earlier, okay?" she said. "I wasn't really...I would never…you're like my dad's age. Ew. Gross."

Derek's eyes widened, and he chuckled. "That's not what I'm talking about. All I'm saying is I think that word is disrespectful and degrading to all women. As a husband, a father of a daughter, and a guy with four sisters and a mother, I don't like the word one bit, so it's a bit shocking to hear a young lady like yourself using it."

Amy shrugged. "I guess I hadn't thought of it like that." She really hadn't.

Derek nodded. "Mmm." He sighed. "Look, Amy, I know this is a lot to take in…"

"I called my mom," she blurted. "My _real_ mom, the one who loves me and wants me. She's calling the airport first thing in the morning and buying me the first ticket to New York available, and I think I have enough money to arrange a cab to take me there."

Derek grimaced. "If that's what you want, then I'll respect your decision," he said, "but I can take you to the airport. It's the least I can do for you." _His step-daughter?_ No, Amy decided. His wife's DNA may have created her, but she wasn't Amy's mother and never would be, so Derek wasn't her step-father. Meredith had given up all rights to be her mother eighteen years ago. Now Derek's wife happened to turn out to be someone who'd passed her genetic maps to Amy.

Derek Shepherd's weary eyes glistened, and she didn't know what she was supposed to say. Sure, she could accept his offer and allow him to take her to the airport, but part of her just wanted to be free from Derek Shepherd and his crazy wife forever. She never should have accepted their offer to come home with them. Her parents had always taught her never to go home with strangers, but she'd felt a strange connection to Derek and Meredith. She'd thought they could be trusted.

Evidently her instincts were wrong. So, so wrong.

She then reminded herself that none of this was Derek's fault. He, too, was a victim of his wife's lies. He probably wanted to get out of the house and collect his thoughts.

"Okay," she relented. "Okay, you can take me to the airport."

"Want to head out now? We can drive around Seattle for a while before the airport opens?" Derek took her off guard by suggesting. It was the middle of the night, but she was anxious as ever to get out of this house. She could tell that Derek was, too.

"Do I ever," she beamed, stuffing her crap back into her backpack.

* * *

 _She was small but strong, Derek thought, looking over the baby in the bassinet with a smile. He bent over, cupping his palm around the baby's head and supporting the rest of her body with his arm as he lifted her from the bassinet. The baby whimpered._

" _Shhh, little one," he said, cradling the infant. "It's all going to be okay." His heart swelled as the baby opened her eyes, revealing her bright blue irides. She peered at him with curiosity and, even though babies supposedly couldn't smile this young, he could swear she smiled._

" _You're in here again?" a familiar voice took Derek by surprise. He looked up to see Mark. "Man, don't you think you're spending a little too time with her? Her new parents are on the way to the hospital. You know how high in demand newborns are today."_

" _I know, I just want to make sure she's getting as much human interaction as possible. She didn't have much time to bond with her mother. Those bonding moments are really important for infants," Derek quipped. "Isn't that right, Amy?" He voice shifted into the baby voiced he used with his nieces._

" _Okay, whatever, man. I don't see you giving this much attention to the other motherless infants," Mark replied. Derek could feel him looking over his shoulder. "She kind of looks like you. You sure she's not yours?" Mark elbowed Derek._

 _Derek cringed, but before he could tell Mark off, Addison entered the NICU. She had been assigned to Amy's case. Derek could feel the tension on his wife's face as she glared hotly at the two men and the baby. He and Addison had been married for only two years. Derek had hoped Addison had not overheard Mark's comment._

 _He and Addison had talked about having children, but they both agreed waiting until after residency was their best option. They needed to focus on shaping their careers, and they couldn't do that if they had rugrats running around. Derek had witnessed his sisters struggling to balance children and their careers, and that was enough to convince him and Addison to wait._

" _Derek, don't get attached," she warned._

" _I already lectured him," Mark said._

" _The adoptive parents are here," Addison announced. "I've told them I'll bring her to them."_

 _Derek bit his lip, staring into the infant's bright, wondrous eyes one last time before handing her to Addison. "Go have an amazing life, little one," he whispered in the baby's ears._

* * *

He never imagined seeing her eyes again, and he certainly never pictured marrying her birth mother. Derek was ashamed to admit that he hadn't thought of Amy in many years, but in his line of work it was hard to spend time thinking about specific patients. There were so many, and each and every patient left an imprint on him for a period of time. There would always be more patients.

Of course, he didn't know Meredith when he'd first known Amy, when she was just a helpless infant. Now she wasn't a helpless infant. She was a grown woman of eighteen, and she was strong and, from what he'd observed, fearless.

She reminded him so much of Meredith it scared him. Somehow, he felt connected to Amy in a way he couldn't yet explain. He wanted to know her better. Most importantly, he wanted her to know that Meredith was a good person and had wanted what she thought was best for her, just like he had.

"She did what she thought was best," Derek said as they drove into a McDonald's parking lot. Amy had agreed to let him buy her breakfast before he took her to the airport. The sun hadn't risen yet, and he wanted to buy some time. He certainly wasn't going to leave her at the airport by herself before the sun rose. Besides, her mother hadn't called them back to tell them what time her flight would leave. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could convince her to stay. To give Meredith another chance.

"Please, don't. Don't tell me that she did what was best for me, because I know that. It's because of her that I have an amazing mom and dad and little brother, and I'll be forever grateful for that. I don't need her, and she made that clear," Amy quipped, then added, "I didn't agree to this so you could tell me what an amazing woman your wife is. It doesn't change anything."

"I just wish you'd reconsider," Derek said, folding his arms.

"Reconsider what? There's nothing to reconsider! Look, I don't want to talk about her, and if you can't respect that, then I'll hitchhike to the airport without breakfast!"

Derek frowned. She was definitely feisty. _Just like her mother_.

"Okay," he sighed. "We won't talk about Meredith."

"Good. Because she's dead to me," said Amy. Derek's heart sank. If only Amy knew how close her biological mother had come to death on numerous occasions. _She'd almost died giving birth to Bailey_ , and Derek still didn't know the details that followed Amy's birth, because even though Meredith was an aspiring medical student at the time, he doubted she'd ever delivered a baby before Amy, which meant she was at a high risk for infection and other complications.

"So, tell me about yourself," Derek said, feeling like he was conducting a job interview, but he was obliging by Amy's requests and changing the subject as they walked into McDonald's. He hated McDonald's, but their choices were limited at this time of morning, and it'd been Amy's first choice. If he had doubts about her being Meredith's biological daughter at that point, they would cease to exist now. "What do _you_ want to do with your life?"

"I've always wanted to be a surgeon," Amy said. "My dad says I'm too young to settle on a career path, that I should take a couple years off and travel and see the world, you know, but I've never been able to see myself as anything other than a surgeon, since as long as I can remember. Even when I like three years old…I guess now it makes sense why."

Derek had a feeling Amy had no idea who her biological grandmother was. "You come from a line of brilliant surgeons," he said as he turned to the McDonald's cashier, who looked like he might peel over making their orders, and asked for an Egg White McMuffin and a cup of decaf coffee. Amy ordered a Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin, hash browns, and orange juice.

Yup, definitely Meredith's daughter.

"Do my maternal grandparents live around here?" Amy asked, taking Derek off guard, since he thought Amy was done talking about Meredith. The inquisitiveness in her eyes reminded Derek of the three-day-old infant he'd held as she curiously watched him. "Never mind," she said quickly. "Don't answer that. I don't want to know."

 _But she did_ , he thought, or she would not have asked. He bit his tongue, though, not wanting to stir up more emotions for Amy. She was confused, and she had every right to be. He couldn't imagine being in her place right now. He remembered being so confused after his father died before his eyes. He wasn't able to understand how someone could be so evil. Up until that point in life, he'd had the notion that all people were good. He'd thought everyone was inherently good. Until Evil presented itself right before his eyes, taking his father's life in its demonstration.

"I just don't know what to think anymore," Amy admitted as they sat down at a booth with their trays. The restaurant was deserted. "I'm just so confused."

He nodded. "I understand completely. I lost my father when I was a kid."

"What, did he up and leave your mom?" Amy inquired.

His heart sank. Then, he thought for a second, that maybe that would have been better. At least his dad would be alive. He realized that he'd spoken too soon, that he shouldn't have tried comparing his dad dying to Amy not knowing Meredith. They were two different situations, but he'd opened his mouth, so now he had to explain.

He hated telling this story.

Derek shook his head. "My dad died when I was a kid. A gunman came into his store and shot him, with my little sister and I in the back of the store."

Her eyes opened. "Wow, dark. Way to make me feel like an asshole," she said.

"Amy, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to compare," he apologized. "It's not the same as what you're going through, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to be just as confused and upset."

"It's just...she should have been honest with me right away, instead of being a bitch to me, and I can't forgive her for that. She outright said at lunch that she didn't want me," Amy said, her voice intensifying with each word. Then she stormed off.

* * *

She couldn't stop crying. The tears flowed and they flowed and they wouldn't stop. She splayed her legs across the toilet and rested her elbows on her hips. Her face fell into her hands, soaking her palms.

It was so fucking stupid. Why had she come here in the first place? She'd wanted answers, but apparently she wasn't prepared to get them. Dr. Shepherd probably thought she was an immature brat who couldn't control her emotions. All of which was true.

She had no business going to medical school. Doctors had to be tough. They had to be able not to get attached to their patients, because if they did, then they would end up feeling like crap whenever someone died. It was better to disconnect. To detach.

Just like Meredith had done with Amy. She'd done what was best for both of them. She'd been able to go to finish her degree because she didn't have a baby to feed and clothe, and Amy hadn't grown up in a college dorm. Do they even allow babies in college dorms? It was for the best, and Amy knew that was the absolute truth.

Why did she feel like this, then? She felt hopeless and unwanted and vengeful. She shouldn't feel like this. She should be happy because she'd found her birth mother. Wasn't what she wanted all along? Not only did she find her birth mother, but she'd found a little brother and sister who coincidentally had a similar life she'd grown up with. How could a person who'd given up a daughter adopt another one?

Amy wondered if Zola would one day feel the same way Amy felt now. She wondered if she would go searching for her birth mother, if she was still alive. Amy suspected she was adopted from a foreign country, probably somewhere in Africa. It was likely that her mother was dead then, so there would be no mother to look for.

Zola would never have to feel like this, then. She would only know the Shepherds as her family, and she wouldn't have another family out there that she would have to worry about.

Amy found herself envious and jealous of the three-year-old.

She wasn't sure if she was jealous of the fact the child's biological mother was probably dead, or if she was jealous because Zola was the daughter Meredith had replaced her with.

Tears poured harder and faster out of Amy's eyes.

Where was she supposed to go from here?

* * *

When Amy returned a half hour later, her eyes were red and blotchy. Derek could tell she had been crying. Her food was cold, but she sat down anyway and began shoveling the food into her mouth without looking up at him. He didn't speak a word, either.

The sun had started to rise. Amy then informed him that her mother had called while she was in the bathroom. She'd managed to pull some strings and get her a ticket for an eight-thirty flight. She insisted he take her to the airport right away, and she would figure out the rest.

He followed her commands without questions.

* * *

Meredith hadn't slept. Bailey started fussing around four a.m., which was when she noticed her living room was empty. Derek and Amy were nowhere in sight. Amy's belongings were gone, too. Meredith knew in her heart that she was never coming back, and that Derek had most likely taken her to the airport. He could have said something to Meredith. She'd sent him out to the living room to check on Amy, not to get rid of her.

She had no idea what was going through Derek's mind right now, though. He was probably still in shock, and she wouldn't be surprised if he was angry at her for not confiding this tidbit of her past to him in all their years together. How was she supposed to tell him? It was a piece of her life that had happened so long ago, a part of her life that had been long put to bed, a part of her life that she thought she would never think of again.

It wasn't that she didn't think of Amy. She'd thought of her a lot when she was pregnant with Bailey. She had compared the pregnancies. Bailey's pregnancy had been so different than Amy's, though the pregnancies were seventeen years apart, and she had not had a wonderful husband by her side when she was pregnant with Amy. She'd been all alone.

Meredith had curled up with Bailey on the couch, wrapping the blankets she'd put out for Amy around her and her son. The scent of lavender wrapped around her nose. Amy had used her conditioner when she'd showered.

Zola came downstairs at six. "Where's Amy and Daddy?" she asked right away, peering up at Meredith with innocent eyes.

"Daddy had to take Amy to the airport so she can go home to her Mommy and Daddy," Meredith explained to her little girl. She was too exhausted to explain more, so she hoped Zola wouldn't ask more questions.

"Oh," Zola shrugged. "I'm hungry."

Breakfast. Crap. She hadn't even thought about it. Food was the last thing on her mind, but both Bailey and Zola needed food.

"I'll make you a bowl of milk and cereal," she offered, hoping that would be okay with Zola, because she was honestly too tired to think of anything else.

Zola didn't argue.

* * *

An hour later, Meredith hustled into Grey Sloan, Bailey's car seat in one hand, and Zola's hand in the other. Somehow she'd managed to wrap Bailey's diaper bag around her shoulder and had remembered to put socks and shoes on both children. The morning was a complete blur. Meredith despised mornings where Derek wasn't there to help her get the kids ready, but those mornings were becoming more of the norm now since Derek was so busy working for the president.

The difference between this morning and all the others, though, was obvious. Usually she knew where Derek was and that he would come home eventually. Today, her eyes were on alert when she walked into Grey Sloan, since she didn't know if she would see her husband or not.

When she saw him standing at the front desk with his iPad, she breathed a sigh of relief. At least he had not left the state without telling her. She would not have been surprised if he had.

The expression on his face was tense when he looked at her, but it lightened the moment he laid eyes on the kids.

"Daddy!" Zola exclaimed, running to her father. "I thought you lefted forever this time!" Meredith's heart crushed as Derek's face tensed.

"Of course I didn't leave forever, Zola. Daddy would never leave his princess," Derek said, wrapping his arms around Zola's tiny body. Meredith hated this situation with Derek traveling back and forth between DC and Seattle. It was confusing for the kids, but Derek didn't seem to get it, and she sensed he never would. She didn't know what it would take for him to get it. At the same time, she didn't want him to give up his job for her and the kids. He would resent them forever if he did that, so she didn't know what to do.

Their life was messy, and it just kept getting messier.

* * *

Meredith looked exhausted, and Derek felt bad for leaving her alone with the kids on one of his few free nights. She looked upset, and he didn't blame her.

He didn't know how to feel or how he was supposed to feel. Dropping Amy off at the airport certainly hadn't been easy. She'd looked heartbroken. He could tell that this wasn't the answer she'd been expecting, but he didn't know what else she had anticipated. He didn't know how or why she had thought that he would be the one with answers about her mother's identity. If it wasn't in whatever file she'd managed to get her hands on, then how would he know? He could not have possibly known that her birth mother was Meredith.

" _If you need anything, anything at all, you can call me," Derek told Amy as he passed her a piece of paper with his cell phone number. He'd just pulled up to the airport entrance. He knew this was goodbye._

 _She didn't reply. She just took the piece of paper, nodded, opened the door, and stepped out. He watched her walk through the glass doors, then drove away toward Grey Sloan._

His insides twisted when he looked at his wife, who was dressed in sweats and a black and white-striped long-sleeved shirt.

He offered to take the kids off her hands. She let him. He took the kids to daycare alone. When he returned to the entrance area, he expected her to be gone, but she wasn't. She'd changed into her scrubs and was staring at her iPad.

Derek moved in quietly beside her. "We should talk," he murmured in her ear.

* * *

Her first instinct was the flee. She was good at fleeing. She could tell him that she was busy, that she had to work and didn't have time to talk. It wasn't exactly true, though. If he looked at the schedule, he would see she didn't have surgeries scheduled until the afternoon. Still, she had plenty of paperwork to catch up on. Plus, she hated airing her dirty laundry at work.

"Derek…" she murmured, hesitantly looking up into his saddened blue eyes. "Fine, but I don't have much time."

"Neither do I," he said, and he grabbed her shoulder and dragged her into a nearby on-call room.

"What do you want?" Meredith spat when the door closed behind her.

"I want the rest of the story," Derek said flatly. "What did you do next? After you abandoned her?"

She hated the way he said the word abandoned, but she knew that was exactly what she'd done to Amy.

* * *

 _It was raining. That didn't stop her from fleeing. She had to get out of New York as soon as possible._

 _She knew she should get checked out. The risks of infection were high if she hadn't properly delivered the placenta, but if she went to the free clinic, they would want to know where her baby was. She would subject herself to questions she wasn't prepared to answer._

"New York didn't enact the Safe Haven law until 2000, so the clinic could have called the police," Meredith explained, clearing her throat.

 _No matter what, if she went to a nearby clinic, they could connect her to the baby that had been abandoned, and she didn't want to have any ties to her daughter. It was best if she didn't._

 _So she grabbed her clothes from her locker — she'd just worn sweats and baggy T-shirts throughout her pregnancy — and she got on the next bus headed in the direction of Dartmouth. As soon as she was out of the city, she could call Sadie to come pick her up. Sadie was the only person in her life who knew she was pregnant. Meredith knew she would help her out._

 _It was a good thing she was on a bus and around other people, because it was only a few hours later it happened. She passed out and fell into the aisle. If she hadn't sold her car for food and rent money and had been driving, she would have been screwed. Absolutely screwed._

 _Not that this was much better, because the nurse at the hospital she was taken to, which was about two hours out of New York City, had coerced her real identity out of her, and had called Ellis._

 _A few hours later, Ellis's mean face was standing at the foot of her bed. Meredith knew the nurses had told her everything._

" _You had a baby?" Ellis barked._

 _Bye bye, trust fund, Meredith thought._

" _I didn't tell you because you threatened my trust fund," Meredith said._

" _You're a worthless human being. I can't believe you're my child. You're just like your father. I should have left you with him and his whore," Ellis spat. Meredith didn't know much about her dad, just that her mother referred to "him and his whore" whenever mentioning him. She'd assumed Thatcher had cheated on her, but she didn't have anything to support that theory besides her mother's bitterness towards him._

" _I-I gave her away," Meredith whispered._

" _Well at least you did one thing right. You could have told me, so I would have gotten you better medical care than the morons who missed part of the placenta. Who was it, so I can shred their medical license to pieces?"_

 _Meredith didn't know how to tell her mother that she had delivered her daughter herself. "I…I don't remember," she said._

 _Fortunately, Ellis didn't ask more questions. As soon as Meredith was cleared, she loaded Meredith in her car and drove her back to Dartmouth, where she would take summer classes to catch up on the semester she'd missed during her pregnancy._

" _Did you name her?" Ellis asked in the car, taking Meredith by surprise. There was a tenderness in her mother's voice that Meredith wasn't familiar with._

" _I…yes, I did," Meredith said._

" _Good," Ellis replied sharply, her face relaxing for just a brief moment. "You did the right thing, Meredith."_

 _That was one of the few times Meredith had witnessed the motherly side of Ellis. Her face quickly tensed again. "Now, you're going back to school, and you're going to get your shit together. If you don't screw up again, we'll keep the trust fund terms the same. You're the only hope I have, Meredith. I didn't keep you to let you be ordinary."_

 _Meredith assumed that her mother had meant that hadn't left her with Thatcher because she didn't want her to be ordinary._

"Having Amy changed me…I grew up, didn't have a one night stand for the rest of my undergraduate. I stopped drinking tequila, stopped going to bars, got straight A's…I became the perfect daughter Ellis had always dreamt of having…Sadie accused me of being lame. I went to Europe with her to prove I still had it," Meredith finished, shaking her head.

Derek looked stunned.

"Did you… still have it?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes. "Derek, you know me. Oh, I still have it." She chuckled.

Then she saw the fury building in his eyes.

"All the years we tried to conceive. You didn't mention any of this. You lied to our doctor? You told her you'd never given birth before," Derek said.

"I did, I told her. When you weren't there," Meredith said. "I'm not an idiot. I wouldn't lie to my doctor about that."

"But you thought it was okay to lie to me?" Derek cried. "For crying out loud, Meredith! I'm…"

"My husband? I know that. But that doesn't mean you're entitled to every detail of my life. I'm surely not entitled to every detail of yours! I can think of at least a hundred things you never told me when we first met. I didn't think it was important! It doesn't change us or our relationship. And don't you think I felt guilty? I thought that the fact that I couldn't conceive was my punishment for abandoning my first baby. I blamed myself every single day. But we have two beautiful children right now. Why does any of it matter?" she cried.

"Did they tell you? Did the doctors tell you that you'd compromised your ability to conceive by having an unsafe delivery?" Derek barked. "Did your doctor tell you that?"

Meredith bit her lip. She sighed and nodded. "After the OB told us that I had a hostile uterus, she pulled me aside after you had stepped out to tell me that it was most likely caused from complications following my first delivery."

He threw his hands up in the air. "God damnit, Meredith."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He turned around and stared at the door. "I can't look at you right now." She moved toward him and flattened her palm on his back.

"I don't know what else to say, Derek," she told him. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"I feel like our whole relationship is a lie," he confided, resting his head against the door.

Her heart squeezed. "Then where do we go from here?"

* * *

 **Nicole's A/N: Where _do_ we go from here? This concludes part 1 of the story. When we return, we'll see where Meredith and Derek are in eight months, and this isn't the last you'll see of Amy. **

**Because the next section embarks on a whole new journey within this universe, we will be going on hiatus as we complete the writing of the next section. We want to make sure we're able to update regularly when we begin posting, as it will help the story's flow. I hope you'll understand and will still be here when we return. :)**

 **In the meantime, we'd love to hear your thoughts and theories. Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Nicole's A/N: We're back! Welcome to PART 2 of _Ghosts of the Past._ We've skipped several months, and we're now about midway into season 11. You'll notice pretty much everything is canon except, of course, Amy. Also, we promise that the labrat doesn't exist. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

* * *

"The snow's really coming down fast out there. You don't think Derek's plane will get cancelled, do you?" Amelia Shepherd's giddy voice hammered into Meredith Grey's ears, but Meredith opted to ignore it. Meredith stood on the crosswalk, staring out the large window in front of her as she reflected on her own twisted life. So much had changed in the past year; she still wasn't able to wrap her head around it all.

What were the odds of your husband being appointed to work for the President of the United States, and both the daughter you put up for adoption eighteen years ago and the half-sister you never knew you had showing up all in the same year? It just didn't seem realistic. Sometimes, Meredith wondered if she was asleep, and all of this was one really long bad dream.

Meredith desperately wanted to wake up and go back to the way her life used to be, back when she would wake up next to Derek every morning, they'd have a round or two of morning sex, and then they would go about their days with little complications.

Who was she kidding? Certainly not herself. That had never been her life. Her life had always been filled with complications and challenges. There had been a time where life was less complicated. Their lives had included brief periods of tranquility. After they adopted Zola, she remembered a period of bliss. Then the plane crash happened and it was a ripple effect from there. Finding out they were having Bailey had helped them through the loss of Mark and Lexie. Bailey had come out of nowhere, long after they'd given up on the idea of having children of their own.

Now, she was alone raising her two children all by herself. It wasn't easy, but she was fortunate to have Derek's sister and her new half-sister Maggie to help out. Maggie had ended up being a blessing in disguise. Meredith was genuinely beginning to like her. She had come to realize that she needed all the people in her corner that she could get.

She felt bad for secretly wishing that Derek's plane _would_ get cancelled. Yes, she missed him, but she did _not_ miss fighting with him. She dreaded seeing him, because she didn't want a fight to erupt between them, but somehow, they always managed to argue about _something_. They definitely had plenty to argue about.

When they talked on the phone, which wasn't often because they both led busy lives, they always managed to pick little stupid fights, and she hated that. She didn't try to fight with him, but it just happened, and she didn't want that anymore. She had begun to fear that Derek didn't _want_ to be with her. He surely didn't act like he wanted her.

Maybe he would find some young pretty 'thing' in DC. She worried about that too. After all, that's what happened when he had left Addison in New York. He had left Addison for Meredith. He had left Addison for _her_. Who's to say history couldn't repeat itself?

Meredith's insides squeezed.

* * *

Eight months had passed since Amy Thompson arrived in Seattle, and Derek Shepherd felt like his world would never be the same. All he knew was, there was no looking back now. He could spend time dwelling on everything he had done wrong over the last eight months, or he could make the best out of his current situation. He was choosing the latter.

He would be lying if he didn't admit he had a genuine love for his work. He'd been living in DC, leading the BRAIN Initiative for five weeks now, and it was like living on Cloud Nine. Only, there was something missing: Meredith and the kids. Their absence left a huge hole in his heart. All he could do was get lost in his work, which he loved. He loved his job. He couldn't imagine a future without working for the NIH. It was the work he'd dreamed of doing his entire life.

But he couldn't imagine his life without Meredith and his children, either. He'd worked so hard to get Meredith to love him, and together they'd struggled to build their family. It was complicated. They were complicated. That was the story of their lives.

He hadn't moved past the fact that Meredith had lied to him for all those years. It still weighed in his thoughts when he lay awake at night in his cold, empty bed. He thought about it when he signed off of FaceTime and said goodnight to the kids. He FaceTimed the kids usually at least once a day. He was lucky to talk to Meredith once a week. She was a busy surgeon. He understood that.

They had agreed to make this work, though. They'd said they could do this, yet he wasn't finding the whole long distance relationship to be working. He was beginning to feel like she didn't _want_ to talk to him, and she purposely dodged his calls. Yet, she had been the one who was so insistent that he go and that they could do this.

He wasn't sure what to believe now.

He'd looked forward to Christmas vacation and was anxious to fly back to Seattle for the holidays. The kids knew he was coming, and they were excited. Meredith, however, had seemed indifferent when he'd told her he was coming. It was almost like she didn't believe that he'd actually make it.

He knew why she doubted him. He'd planned to make it home for Thanksgiving, around two weeks after he had arrived in DC, but circumstances out of his control had prevented him from making it. Then, she had arranged to come visit during the first week of December, and she never showed. Worst of all, she'd never given him a concrete reason for not showing. He still didn't know what had happened there, and he was afraid to ask. All he knew was Meredith never arrived in DC, and he had called the house, shocked to speak to _Maggie_ , Meredith's newly-discovered half-sister, whom he had thought Meredith hated.

It was baffling. Only weeks after Meredith's secret daughter arrived in Seattle, Ellis's and Richard's secret love child arrived. Like mother like daughter. One thing was for certain; Greys were good secret keepers.

Cristina was now in Zurich. Derek had been offered a job in DC, but he turned it down. He later accepted it after Meredith gave him the cold shoulder for many months. He knew his wife's life was a mess right now, so he was willing to cut her some slack. He just wished that she would open up to him. Communication was the major source of their issues. They sucked at communicating with each other.

He knew he was equally guilty for their communication issues. Sometimes, it seemed like the only time they were in sync was when they were having sex, and they hadn't been having much of that lately, either. Obviously, they couldn't with him in DC and her in Seattle, their sex life had been dry before he moved too.

God, he missed sex with Meredith. He missed her lavender scent and the way her body moved against his when they were in bed. He missed her smooth, silky skin. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, to make love to her.

 _Her body was perfection, and he was amazed by how their skin meshed together naturally. His heart was racing. Derek was positive he'd never done anything like this before. The thought of having sex in public had never crossed his mind, but he was doing it. She was young and dangerous, and he was turned on. Addison had never turned him on like this._

 _He rubbed his body against hers as his tongue maneuvered around her mouth. She tasted like tequila; her breath intoxicated him more than he already was._

 _She turned away from him, balancing one leg on the toilet seat, creating an opening for him..._

Derek Shepherd felt a throbbing sensation coming from his lower region as he stood at the baggage checkpoint at Reagan International Airport. The flashes had been coming at random over the last several months, and he had no idea if they were real memories, or ones his brain had concocted based on the story Meredith had told him. As far as he knew for certain, he and Meredith had never had sex in a public restroom. Derek Shepherd had never had sex in a public restroom with anyone.

Heck, for all he knew, it could be a story that Mark had told him from a bathroom sexacapade with a woman, who obviously was not Meredith. Mark and Meredith had never had sex, as far as Derek knew. _He'd kill Mark if he weren't already dead if they had_ , Derek thought, grimacing at the nauseating notion. Mark was far more adventurous than he and had shared more than enough stories from his manwhore days.

His cheeks warmed as returned to reality, hoping for his own sanity that no one noticed his erection, which immediately went flaccid when he heard over the loudspeaker: "Due to unpleasant weather on the Pacific Northwest, Flight 383 to Seattle has been cancelled."

His heart exploded.

There was not one single snowflake on the ground in Washington DC. Derek Shepherd breathed sharply as he hustled over to the airport front desk. "Please," he begged. "I need to get to Seattle by tonight...tomorrow is Christmas."

"I'm sorry, but a huge storm is hitting the entire Pacific Northwest right now. All flights are cancelled until further notice," the woman at the desk replied hastily.

His mind raced with alternative possibilities. If he rented a car and drove nonstop to Seattle, he could make it in forty-something hours and that's if he didn't stop for gas or to eat, both which were inevitable, so renting a car wouldn't fix his problem. He could run to Union Station and see if there are train tickets available, but it was Christmas Eve. No way would there be train tickets available. Plus, he was pretty sure it would take him longer to get to Seattle by train than by car.

He had been looking forward to Christmas for weeks. He could _not_ mess up this time. He could _not_ let his wife and kids down again. If he didn't make it to Seattle for Christmas, he worried he would lose Meredith and his family forever.

Dreading calling Meredith, he took his phone out of his pocket just as it had started vibrating to indicate an incoming call. _Meredith_? He instantly thought, but his heart fell when he looked at his screen.

The only part he recognized of the number was that it was a New York City area code.

* * *

 _What the hell are you doing, Amy?_ Amy Thompson thought anxiously as she shakily held her phone to her ear. She had no idea why she was calling Derek Shepherd, other than the fact she didn't know who else to call.

The day after Thanksgiving, her father died suddenly from a cardiac arrest while shoveling snow, and she had been a complete, utter mess ever since. She felt like she was melting away like the snow outside. She'd always loved white Christmases, but in a way, she was thankful there wasn't any snow on the ground this year. Christmas was her father's favorite holiday, and she couldn't imagine experiencing a white Christmas without her dad.

She looked at the flight schedule board, feeling a pang in her chest because all flights to the West Coast were cancelled. _Maybe it wasn't meant to be_. When she'd fled from Seattle eight months ago, she had never planned to return. Now, she didn't know where else to turn. Her family was in shambles. Her mother had turned to alcohol for comfort after her father's death. It wasn't a healthy environment for her or Caden.

Amy was on Christmas break from Columbia University. She'd made the choice to go to college close to home, and she was glad that she had now, with her father dying only two months after she started her freshman year of pre-med. Caden needed her nearby. This morning, Amy woke to find her mother passed out on the couch, surrounded by twelve bottles of booze. Twelve. Amy had immediately grabbed her mother's credit card and snuck out the backdoor with Caden, so he didn't have to see his mother in that condition.

She needed to get her brother away from the madness. Even though she hated the idea of seeing her biological mother again after how it had ended up between them, at least Meredith wasn't an alcoholic. Plus, she liked Derek. He seemed like a good father figure, and he was probably the only other person she knew whose father had died. Seattle seemed like a safe haven for her and Caden.

Until she got to the airport and learned a huge storm had caused all flights to the Pacific Northwest to be cancelled.

Amy didn't know what she was doing or thinking as _s_ he looked over at her little brother standing beside her, and his cumbersome, frightened brown eyes looked up at her. Amy's breaths hitched as she heard a confused, though soothing, voice coming through her phone's speakers, "Hello? This is Derek Shepherd, who's this?"

A large lump formed in her throat. She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

"Hello?" she heard again.

Tempted to hang up, Amy sat down on an empty bench. Caden sat down beside her. "It's Amy," she whispered into her phone.

"Amy?" The uncertainty in his voice was noted by Amy. Surely he had not forgotten about her. Amy felt nauseous all of a sudden as her insides squeezed.

"Last spring you told me I could call you if I ever needed anything, and...God, I'm so stupid. I'm in New York, you're in Seattle. I don't know why I'm calling you, but I didn't know who else to call...I...I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll hang up now." She was rambling, which she was good at. Her cheeks warmed. She felt like a complete moron.

"Wait, Amy! Don't hang up," Derek insisted.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: Why is Amy calling? How will Meredith react when she realizes Derek is not coming home for Christmas? And what will Derek do, then, now that he can't fly to Seattle? Oh, so many questions guys...Stay tuned to get the answers!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Nicole's A/N: Thank you for your patience. We really appreciate all of your feedback. Life's been crazy for both Irene and me. I hope you enjoy this chapter! We definitely have not forgotten about this story.**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

* * *

Derek had begun to think he and Meredith might never hear from Amy again. He'd never had her contact information, and, as far as he knew, neither did Meredith. Amy had turned into a forbidden topic between him and his wife over the past months.

He had no way of making it to Seattle for Christmas, so driving to New York seemed like the only alternative. That's where his family would be celebrating Christmas.

Derek managed to find a rental car at the last minute. However, he felt comfort in knowing Meredith, Amelia, and the kids would still receive their Christmas presents in time, seeing as he had pre-arranged their deliveries knowing there would not be room for them on his flight. He just wouldn't be there to see them receive the gifts; he would have to arrange a time to open them over FaceTime or Skype.

Amy had been vague in her explanation on the phone, but Derek could tell by the sound of her voice that something was gravely wrong. She had said she was at Kennedy Airport in New York, but all flights to Seattle were cancelled; and she didn't know where to turn next. Apparently, all she knew was she could not go home. Derek didn't want to pry, but he'd told her that he was in DC and could be to New York in a few hours. He was on his way, and she should stay put.

He knew he had to call Meredith eventually, but he was not looking forward to that phone call. Derek had no clue how to tell her he wouldn't be able to make it home for Christmas, so he focused on Amy instead. What could have possibly happened to have triggered her to call him? It had to be bad, otherwise why else would she already be at the airport? His gut told him she wasn't just planning to fly to Seattle to surprise Meredith for Christmas.

It was by chance that he was on the East Coast when Amy needed him. Amy couldn't have known he'd relocated to DC. Derek was glad he was able to be there for her.

The drive from Ronald Reagan International Airport to John F. Kennedy International Airport ended up taking him just shy of five hours. He wasn't very familiar with John F. Kennedy Airport, having only flown out of it when he fled New York for Seattle the first time, so he called Amy when he arrived to find out where she was. She was able to direct him to her location.

She looked different. He almost didn't recognize her. Her hair was shorter, and she had dyed it darker. It was coal black. The darkness of her hair made her eyes look darker as well, and her skin paler. Dark circles circled around her eyes.

She had a backpack strapped around her shoulders and was holding the hand of a boy, who looked to be around ten or eleven.

"You found us," Amy said, looking taken aback. "This is Caden … my little brother."

"It's nice to meet you, Caden," Derek greeted the child, who batted his dark eyelashes shyly. His hair was as dark as Amy's dyed hair.

"God, I'm so sorry for bothering you. DC is, what, a five hour drive? You didn't have to drive that far … "

Derek's heart swelled. For a moment, he felt like he was looking at Meredith. "I've been in DC for work, and I'd planned to fly to Seattle today, but all flights are cancelled. I couldn't get home, and my mom and sisters are here in New York, so I would have come here anyway," he explained.

"Oh … well, in that case, at least I didn't make you go out of your way," Amy sighed. "But … what about Meredith and the kids? You're going to miss Christmas with them? That's horrible!"

Derek nodded solemnly, patting his pocket where his phone rested. "I still haven't told her yet," he confessed. "I don't know how I'm going to," he added.

Amy's eyes widened. "Please," she whispered. "Don't mention me … I … don't want her to know that I'm with you."

Derek frowned. If she didn't want to talk to Meredith, then why had she planned to fly her and her brother to Seattle? Derek didn't ask, though. "Why don't we get in the car and head over to my mom's house?" Derek suggested. "You can catch me up on your life in the car."

Amy nodded, and Derek led Amy and Caden toward his rented Porsche. It was an upgraded version of the one he had at home in Seattle, and he found it rather sexy. He missed driving in DC, but driving was an inconvenience in the national's capital when traffic was insane. Plus, Washington DC had a wonderful metro system.

Derek definitely had not minded the five hour drive to New York. He'd found it surprisingly stress relieving.

The flashes of Meredith and him in the bathroom continued to taunt him, and he was disappointed that he wouldn't be with her this Christmas. Maybe it was for the best. They had not been on best terms, and he didn't want to fight with her, especially not at Christmas. It wasn't like he _planned_ to fight with her, though. He never planned it. It just happened. Sometimes it felt like she _enjoyed_ arguing with him, because she sure knew how to pick a good fight.

He shot a glance at Amy. God, she looked so much like Meredith. Meredith had recently darkened her hair as well, though Derek preferred Meredith as a blonde. However, he knew better than to tell Meredith she looked better as a blonde.

Amy's eyes were what kept capturing Derek's attention today.

When Amy looked straight at him, for a second all he saw was Amelia.

 _It wasn't possible, was it?_

 _Definitely not. Absolutely not. Of course not._

* * *

Derek was looking at her weird, and it made Amy uncomfortable. She knew she was sort of attractive, and she happened to look a lot like his wife, her biological mother. She wasn't turning him on, was she? God, she hoped not. He was old enough to be her dad. Hell, he was _older_ than her dad, probably.

Yet, her dad was dead, and Derek wasn't, which was why she and Caden were getting into Derek's car right now and not her dad's.

Caden had been much quieter and reserved since their father's death. He had been really close to their dad, and Amy wasn't really sure what would become of her brother now that he didn't have their dad. She worried about him, especially now that Mom was going down the path that she was. Amy could only hope that their mom would come around, sooner rather than later. If not for her own sake, but for Caden's. Caden needed someone to be a role model for him, and Amy couldn't be with him all the time now that she was in college. She felt bad that she couldn't, but she had to think about her future. She couldn't be one of those girls who dropped out of school because her dad died; she had to stay strong, she knew that. Her dad would be so disappointed in her if she quit school because he died.

The idea of Derek taking Caden and her to his mom's also made Amy slightly uneasy. Did his mom even know who Amy was? Had Derek told his mother that his wife had had a child years before they met and had given her up for adoption? Amy didn't know how close Derek and his mom were, but Amy had a hard time believing that he had gone to the trouble to explain everything to her. She couldn't even begin to imagine that conversation between a mother and a son.

It was bound to be awkward, regardless, but it couldn't be worse than being at Mom's, now. Amy suspected her mother didn't even notice that she and Caden had left. When and if she did notice, she knew Amy's phone number.

"You started college this fall, right?" Derek asked when they were all three settled in the car, and he'd turned his car on. _Rock the Casbah_ by The Clash started blaring out of the speakers when Derek first started the car, but Derek quickly turned the music off. Too bad, because Amy had a soft spot for _The Clash_ , despite the fact most of her peers had no idea who they were. Their loss.

"Yes," Amy replied. "I'm taking pre-med classes at Columbia here in New York City."

"So you live at home?" Derek asked.

"No," she said. She had considered moving home after her dad died, but in the end, she'd decided it probably wasn't the best idea. Yes, she would be closer to Caden, but she needed space; space that living on campus provided her. "I live in a dorm with two other girls."

Living with roommates had been an adjustment, because she'd always had her own room. It was weird sharing a room with three girls and a bathroom with fifteen. All the girls on her hall had to share the same bathroom, and there wasn't much room for privacy. Fortunately, she hadn't walked in on anything _too_ disturbing yet. They had a secret code for when one of them was _busy_ in the room. They would put a hair tie on the doorknob so the other girls knew not to enter.

"That must be fun. I remember being in college," Derek said. "I shared a room with my best friend my freshman year."

"That must have been nice. Better than sharing a room with two perfect strangers, at least, like me." Amy grunted. She had nothing against Tiffany and Brittany, but they partied a little too hard for Amy's liking. She was in school to become a doctor, not to party and get drunk and all that crap, but she felt like if she _didn't_ drink, they might kick her out of her dorm room. She'd seen what some of the girls had done to Lacey, who was probably the biggest nerd at Columbia. She was also a good-two-shoes Jesus freak who didn't drink and was waiting until marriage.

Tiffany, Brittany, and some other girls had tossed _used_ condoms into Lacey's dirty laundry basket, which she had taken home to her parents' house one weekend. Her mom had done her laundry and found them, which had ended in a lengthy, "I thought you were saving yourself," lecture from her Bible-loving parents. Amy didn't want to be their next target, so she went along with whatever they were doing as long as it meant she could be cool.

She knew it was stupid to give into peer pressure. She'd never been that girl. In high school, she didn't mind that she was nerdy and different, but something changed inside her when she started college. She didn't know what it was, but she knew college was the foundation of her future. If she was weird in college, she would never fit into society.

Her mom, if she were in her right mind, would kill her if she knew all the crap she'd done since starting college. Amy partly blamed herself for her father's death. As if it was punishment for all the bad things she'd done.

"Well, if you ever need help in school, you know I was a pre-med student once, too," Derek said, and Amy sighed. She tried to imagine Derek _and Meredith_ at eighteen years old. Amy remembered Meredith saying she'd been nineteen when she'd gotten pregnant with her. Amy couldn't believe _she_ would be nineteen in four months. She couldn't imagine getting knocked up any time soon. She wasn't dumb enough not to use protection, though. _No glove, no love_ , was her motto, though she hardly considered any of the sex she'd had as _love_. It was anything but.

She wasn't sure if she even knew the definition of _making love_. Maybe it was just a myth. After what what her ex, and first love, had done, Amy was certain she would never give her heart to anyone ever again.

"Right," Amy said. "Okay, it's my turn to ask questions now."

"Shoot away," Derek said.

"Did you and Meredith get divorced or something after I showed up? Did I destroy your marriage? Because if I did, I'm sorry. I really didn't intend to do that. That wasn't in my intentions at all. I mean, how could I have known that you ended up marrying my birth mother? Like that's such a freaky coincidence."

She watched Derek intently. His smile instantly fell.

* * *

Derek felt like his insides were twisting into knots. His stomach churned. _Did you and Meredith get a divorce?_ God, why would she think that? The mere thought nauseated Derek.

He'd honestly never even considered the possibility of him and Meredith divorcing. It had been rough between them lately; it was rough _before_ he moved to DC. It had been rocky before Obama wanted him to relocate to DC, which was only days after Amy showed up. The rockiness started long before Amy when the president first wanted him to consult from Seattle, causing him to spend more time working and less time stepping back like he promised Meredith he would. Regardless, Amy wasn't the only trigger set off that had erupted issues between Meredith and him. With or without Amy, his relationship with his wife would be a challenge.

"You didn't destroy Meredith's and my marriage, and we're not divorced," Derek declared.

"You don't sound so confident about that," Amy quipped. He locked eyes with her. She was a bright girl; he could tell that. She had a knowing look in her eye that reminded him of her mother. _Meredith_. Meredith always had a way of reading right through him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You just don't," Amy stated. "I hope you're not taking it out on her too hard for not telling you about her. I mean, she didn't tell me, either, so…"

That brought a smile to Derek's face. "If anything, she's been taking it out hard on me," Derek said, biting his lip almost instantly. Amy didn't need to know about Meredith's and his issues. "What I mean to say is, it's more complicated than that. I'm not mad at her for not telling me about you." Which he supposed was true now. He had bigger issues to worry about in the present.

"I am," Amy retorted.

"Huh?"

"I mean, you're with someone for so long, and you have children with them. You think that they would be honest with you about if they've had kids before, right? It's like being with someone and having them cheat on you."

"Meredith would never cheat on me," Derek argued. _Would she?_ He had cheated been cheated on before by Addison. He'd never thought Addison would cheat on him, or that he would cheat on her. Yet, he had cheated on Addison _with_ Meredith. Meredith had been furious when she found out, but she still willingly had sex with him at the prom, knowing he was still married.

Still, she'd voiced that she felt bad about being a dirty mistress. She and Mark had even started a "Dirty Mistresses" club, apparently. She'd never told him this; Mark had. For some reason, he had to learn things about his wife from other people, which he'd never been particularly fond of, but there was nothing he could do about it. The point was, cheating happened, even if you didn't plan on it happening.

"I didn't say she would. I was just using that as an example," Amy explained.

"Okay," Derek said, groaning as he slammed on his brakes. There was a huge line of traffic. He shouldn't have expected anything else on Christmas Eve in New York City. He would be lucky to make it to his mom's by dinner. _Christmas Eve Dinner_. God, he hadn't been to a Christmas Eve Dinner at his mother's in years. He imagined Kate, Nancy, Liz, and their families would be there, as usual. Amelia wouldn't come; she hadn't been at a Christmas Eve Dinner since she was eighteen and had the freewill to do whatever she wanted.

He hadn't seen his nieces and nephews in years, either. They were all grown up now; he'd seen pictures that his sisters sent annually, usually around Christmas or New Years, since he wasn't an active participant on social media. Life was for living, not wasting away in front of a computer screen. If they wanted to keep in touch with him, they knew how to reach him.

Derek hadn't seen this year's pictures, though, since he was in DC, and he suspected that they'd been mailed to his house in Seattle. He hoped Meredith had put them in a safe place so he could see them later.

"What about the kids?" Amy asked suddenly, taking him by surprise.

* * *

Amy's biggest pet peeve was when parents weren't there for their children. It was one reason she couldn't even look at her mother right now. Selfishly, her mother was thinking about _her_ pain, instead of Amy's and Caden's. Amy was afraid that if she saw her mother again and she was in the same condition she'd been last time, she would tell her off to no end.

She thought of the little girl and boy she'd met in Seattle last spring when she'd visited. Now they would be spending Christmas without their daddy, and that made Amy sad. It made her sadder than the fact that it sounded like Derek and Meredith's marriage was holding on by a single thread, if there was even a thread left. For what it was worth, Amy was glad that her dad wasn't existing somewhere else on the other side of the country. He was gone and wasn't coming back, and she could learn to accept that. He wasn't intentionally choosing to live somewhere without her. He hadn't chosen to leave her mother, Caden, and her at all.

However, regardless, Derek had chosen to work in DC where his wife and children were not, and Amy wasn't one hundred percent certain she could forgive him for that, even if it wasn't his fault that he couldn't get a flight to Seattle today for Christmas.

"What about them?" Derek asked.

"It's not fair to them," Amy said. "That you're here and they're there. I … I can't imagine."

Derek wore his sadness in his eyes. Amy had never seen someone talk so loudly with their eyes before. "You're right, it's not fair," he admitted. "I hate myself for it."

"It would be easier if you were dead," Amy said, her voice darkening, and she sort of regretted saying it, especially with Caden in the backseat. The child had not spoken a word, though, so she imagined he had spaced out like he often seemed to do. She and Caden had one trait in common: They were skilled at spacing out and ignoring the world around them.

Amy was just beginning to realize how important it was to pay attention and focus on her surroundings.

Derek's eyes widened. "Why would you even say that?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "It's just … it's easier when you know your dad isn't coming home. It's easier to accept than wondering when he's coming."

"Amy, did something happen to your dad?" Derek asked.

Amy turned her head and looked out the window. Her throat burned as tears filled her eyes.

"He's gone," she whispered.

* * *

 _It would be easier if you were dead_ , Amy's words stung his heart. As someone had grown up without a father, he understood what Amy meant. His dad had never made the conscious choice to leave him, his sisters, and his mother. That choice had been taken from his father. It wasn't his father's choice to make.

 _Yet Derek had made the conscious decision to leave Meredith, Zola, and Bailey to pursue his dream job._ He had been forced to choose between his dreamhouse and his dream job, and he hated it immensely. He desperately wanted his family with him; that was why he wanted to move them to DC with him. He'd thought that he could find a new dreamhouse in DC as long as Meredith and his kids were with him. His dreamhouse was wherever they were. Why did he have to sacrifice one for the other? It didn't seem fair.

Was Meredith sacrificing him for Seattle? Why was Seattle more important than him? He didn't understand. He couldn't understand.

And he couldn't explain his feelings to an eighteen year old, because he knew there was no way she would understand either. He didn't know where to turn for help. Maybe he could talk to his mom. He missed his talks with his mom. He had stopped confiding in his mom after Addison cheated on him, which had led to him fleeing to Seattle and eventually their divorce. He'd been so humiliated and ashamed of himself. His mom was Catholic, and Catholics don't believe in divorce. Deep down, he knew his mother was ashamed of him. He'd always been her prodigy, and he felt like he had let her down.

He couldn't let her down again.

He had to make this work with Meredith. Derek was the only one of his siblings to get divorced. Divorcing once was a sin. He would become the laughing stock of the family if he divorced twice.

Maybe Amy was right. He'd be better off dead than divorced. At least then Meredith would be free to find a better father for their children without worrying about cheating on him. _She would never cheat_ , he thought, hoping and praying that his gut was right about that.

Then he saw the tears festering in Amy's eyes as she spoke the words, "He's gone."

"Your dad?" Derek asked.

Amy nodded. "He had a heart attack shoveling snow on the day after Thanksgiving. And now my mom's drinking away her sorrows. _That's_ why I took Caden and ran and called you, because I didn't know anyone else whose dad had died and I figured you'd understand. It's a toxic environment for him, and I had to get him out of it. It's not fair." Amy was bawling now, and the traffic hadn't moved in at least five minutes.

Derek placed the car in park and unfastened his seat belt to extend his arm around Amy.

* * *

She leaned into him. The first thing she noticed was he smelled good. She didn't recognize his cologne, but it smelled good. He flattened his hand on her back and rubbed circles around her the center of her shoulder blades. "Shh," she heard him hum. She wondered if he'd ever comforted Meredith like this before. If so, she had a feeling it wasn't in the middle of New York City traffic.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I shouldn't be crying like this … not in front of my brother."

"It's okay," a tiny voice came from behind. "It's okay, Amy." Caden's voice grew stronger. She turned around and saw Caden's wide eyes peering at her. "I'm not a little kid anymore, Amy. I know Mom is sad."

"It's not okay what she's doing to you. I want to protect you," she sobbed.

"I know," Caden said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "And you're doing a really good job of it. I'm glad you took me away from the house. I don't want to see Mom like that."

Amy nodded, reaching for Caden's hand. "It's going to be okay."

Caden nodded. "Derek's going to take care of us, right?"

Derek smiled. "Yes, I am. If you want, I can even go talk to your mom."

Amy's eyes widened. "You would do that? I mean, you don't have to...I just...you really don't have to if you don't want to. Wouldn't it be weird?" She'd told her mom all about Derek and Meredith when she got home. Her mom had consoled her through her tears. It would definitely be weird if Derek showed up and lectured her mom for being a bad mother.

"Actually, I know the perfect person to send to talk to your mom. Someone better than me who's been in her exact shoes," Derek said, smiling gently, just as a honk blared from behind them, signaling that traffic was moving again. Derek refastened his seatbelt and placed the car back into drive.

* * *

Derek admitted that he had almost forgotten what his first home looked like. Sure, things had probably changed from the last time he had been there, but he didn't remember the porch swing at all, nor owning all those strings of Christmas lights decorating the roof.

He suspected Bill had a hand in it, because his other two brothers in law weren't the types to climb on ladders just to hang Christmas decorations. Bill loved Christmas just as much as Nancy disliked it, and it always brought a smile on Derek's lips.

The more he looked at the house, though, the more he felt like home. Like he belonged.

Since he had moved to DC, he had forgotten about that feeling. Seattle was home. New York was home. DC would never be home.

Derek turned to see Amy shake awake Caden, softly poking him until his eyes opened. His heart squeezed for his two children back in Seattle, knowing they wouldn't get to spend their Christmas with their father. Selfish didn't even seem to cover what he felt. Taking care of Amy, who was sort of family now, didn't seem to lessen the guilt. Amy and Caden weren't going to spend Christmas with their father either, after all.

"I haven't been home for Christmas in a few years, but I'm warning you, it gets loud," Derek said, trying to crack a joke and relax Amy's tense face. "If you want to leave, or Caden wants to leave, just let me know, and we'll figure out something."

Derek rang the doorbell, unsure of what to expect behind the wooden door. He wasn't all that surprised when a child opened the door, though.

Her hair was collected in pigtails and she wore a confused frown on her face. She looked about six or seven, and for a second, Derek had a hard time placing her.

"Uncle Derek?" she asked tentatively, and he managed a smile in return. And then it clicked, and he figured out right away to whom she belonged to.

"Lily?"

Her smile brightened and she bounced a little on the balls of her feet. He had gotten that right.

"Oh my, you're a giant already. I remember when you did nothing but sleep," Derek joked, relaxing when he realized that he wasn't a complete stranger anymore.

"Sleep is for babies, Uncle Derek."

"Well, you _were_ a baby last time I saw you!" He winked, making Lily giggle.

"Mommy! Nana!" Lily called out. "Uncle Derek is here!"

There was a commotion as his mother's face peeked from the kitchen door.

"Derek?" she spluttered, looking surprised as she wiped her hands on her apron.

"Surprise!" He grinned, trying to look cheeky. His mother broke into a wide smile.

"Come on in out of the cold," she said, ushering him and his guests inside.

"I hope you don't mind I brought a couple of friends along," he sighed, closing the door behind Caden.

"Of course I don't, there's plenty of food for everyone," she smiled, though he already knew about all the questions he had to answer when Amy and Caden weren't within earshot.

"Amy, Caden, this is my mother, Carolyn."

Both kids greeted her, and of course his mother enveloped them in hugs.

"Call me Nana, just like everybody else your age does."

Amy shot Derek a warning look, but he simply gave her a reassuring nod, telling her to go with it. She swallowed thickly, but he tried to reassure her with a look that said everything would be okay.

Derek was trying to use the same calming techniques he used on Meredith, and they seemed to work most of the time. He knew it was uncanny how alike the two were when they had spent almost two decades apart. Amy made the oldest nature-versus-nurture debate come to the surface all over again.

Carolyn dragged Amy and Caden away from him, probably directing them to the playroom to meet all his other nieces and nephews, Lily next to Carolyn asking question after question.

Seeing Lily already talking and being her own little person made him realize how long had passed since he visited his mother for Christmas, or saw his sisters in the flesh, instead of through a screen. The guilt over this was not as overwhelming as the fact that he was completely missing Christmas in Seattle and the sight of Meredith and the kids at the presents he sent over, but it still gave him a lump in his throat.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" Lizzie smirked when he peeked in the living room.

All the sisters were already lounging on the couch, gossiping about who knows what, the husbands forgotten somewhere, most likely watching the kids. It was odd to see them all together like this, but he couldn't help but smile.

"Jeez, you look awful, Derek," Kathleen commented, though she pulled him into a firm hug.

While he had seen Lizzie and Nancy through the years, Kathleen had never visited him in Seattle, and being honest, he had missed her. She was quieter than all the rest of the sisters, but she knew exactly what to say to him when he needed it. He was pretty sure if she knew what his life was like at the moment, she'll book him a five-hour session on her couch right away.

"It's so good to see you, Kate. I've missed you."

"You could have come visiting," Nancy jabbed, winning a look from the other two sisters. Still, she came closer and hugged him, kissing his cheek in a greeting.

Derek was the one to hug Lizzie instead, part of him still feeling in debt over what she did for his career and his hand. He squeezed her tightly, making her giggle as she patted his back and reciprocated the tight hug.

"This is a nice surprise." Lizzie smiled. "Where are Meredith and the kids? Did Mom kidnap them already?"

"No, they … They're in Seattle. I came here with a … friend."

"You have a girlfriend? You divorced the intern already?" Nancy asked, looking almost happy about it.

"What? Of course not!" He shook his head, trying to be believable, because at this point he had no idea where he and Meredith stood. He only knew divorce was not an option. "First, my friend is eighteen. She's a former patient of mine," he lied, unsure on how to define Amy. Surely Meredith's long-lost daughter from a one night stand when she was eighteen herself is not the right introduction. "She's having some family trouble and reached out for help, so I brought her here. She has a ten-year-old brother, they both deserve a good Christmas."

"Well, Shepherds can do Christmas," Lizzie commented, eying him funnily but not asking more uncomfortable questions.

"Why you?" Nancy prodded instead.

"I'm the only one she knows who lost a dad."

His last sentence did the trick, because all three sisters seemed to freeze in their spots, feeling an immediate connection with Amy.

Only then his mother entered the living room, a pensive look on her face.

"I showed Amy and Caden the playroom and they both seem to be opening up to all the children there," she explained, and Derek felt immediately better he had found the right place for the siblings. "Now, what's their story?"

"Derek says she was a former patient. She reached out to him because they lost their dad." Kathleen explained softly, glancing at Derek for confirmation.

"Yeah, she's right. So they settled okay?"

"Yes." His mother smiled, touching his shoulder. "Can you come and help me with turkey? I was just about to start preparing the stuffing and the mashed potatoes when you guys came in."

Derek knew it was not a polite request but an order, and part of him was glad everything was just about the same as it had been last time he spent Christmas in New York.

"Of course. I'll be happy to help," he agreed, even though it didn't feel much of a chore.

When he left the kitchen, he could already hear the buzz of his sisters debating who exactly Amy and Caden where, and he was glad he had an escape. He has missed them, but when they were all together like this – and without Amelia by his side – they could be a tidbit scary.

Before he joined his mother, he picked up his phone and found his last made calls. On the other end, the phone rang for a few seconds before a voice answered.

"Hey, Callie. Hi," he sighed, relieved that she had answered. "Are you busy?"

"No, just got out of surgery. Last minute details to figure out?" she asked, and he could almost see her grin on the other side.

He sighed gravely, instead. "No, there's a terrible snowstorm and there are no planes flying in at SeaTac, I'm not coming to Seattle."

"What?!"

"Look, I need you to be me. I need you to organize the last minute details for Mer's gift and … be me."

"Derek –"

"Please. I start working again in two days and I can't fly in and out. Basically I'm off because the offices are locked and they aren't giving me any time off yet. I wish I could teleport but –"

"Alright. I'll be you. Only without all the kissing and the annoying cheesy looks. I'm not kissing your wife."

"Oh, good. Thank you." He shrugged, the joke barely registering. "Can you please record it when she gets her gift? Or pictures. anything, really…"

"I will. If she doesn't kill me. You owe me, Shepherd."

"I know. God, I know."

"Are you all alone in DC, then?" she asked, a hint of pity in her tone.

"I drove up to New York, I'm with my mother. I figured it was the next best option."

"Oh, good. I'd hate for you to be alone."

Derek sighed loudly. "Thank you for your help, Callie. Even before this, just...thank you. It really means a lot to me."

"I know. And I'm doing this for Meredith," she said, but this time he caught her joking tone. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Callie."

By the time he hung up the phone he was already in the kitchen, and his mother was already as busy as ever near the stove.

"Here," his mother said, thrusting the potato peeler in his hand and eying the pot of potatoes near the stove. "I'll start the stuffing."

For a moment they worked in silence as his mother gathered the ingredients she needed nearby and he tried not to scorch his fingers with the still hot potatoes.

"Is everything okay, Derek?"

The question from his mother came almost too slowly, but he still didn't feel prepared to answer. Because, truth to be told, he had no idea himself, so he breathed in and out, hoping to delay the inevitable.

"Derek, you look like you did that last Christmas you were in New York, only a few months before you moved to Seattle. I know something is wrong." His mother's tone didn't leave any room for him to avoid the conversation.

"I miss Meredith. And the kids." He figured this could be a safe topic, a right explanation for his hollow eyes, but of course his mother didn't take the bait.

"Are you separated? Is that why you're here and not in Seattle?"

"No, I was supposed to fly back but there was a snowstorm and there are no planes until tomorrow at least, probably even Boxing Day and…" he sighed. "I miss being there. I had a surprise planned for Meredith, for her present, and I'm missing it."

His mother shook her head while he kept peeling the potatoes, the ache in his heart masking the ache he felt in his fingertips.

"Derek, why are you in DC?" Her voice was void of all accusations, unlike Meredith's – or his own – have been lately. Yet, her curiosity was there, together with confusion.

"I told you, Ma. When Obama bellows, you can't say no. It was probably the biggest career opportunity I would ever have. I can make a change for the future, really change the world for Zola and Bailey and all the kids in the playroom."

"Is it worth leaving your family behind?"

He swallowed a lump in his throat, his hands still now, his eyes fixated on the table and the half-finished potato.

Luck was on his side again because Andrew, Kathleen's youngest, decided that it was the right moment to come in and beg for a cookie. Of course his grandmother didn't give in and told him to wait for dinner to start or he would spoil all the turkey, but it effectively cut the conversation short, much to Derek's relief. He wasn't ready to talk about his crumbling marriage just yet. Who could ever be ready to admit that his life was falling apart?

"Who are Amy and Caden, really?" His mother asked, touching another nerve. And yet, he knew that was another unavoidable conversation, and he had to roll with it.

"I found Amy at the hospital when she was a newborn, I was the doctor who found her, hours after she was born. She was looking for some information about her birth mother and she came looking for me, I guess because she thought I had answers."

"In DC?" Carolyn asked, the stuffing forgotten for a moment as she focused fully on him.

"No, I was still in Seattle at the time. She's from New York, though. Caden is her brother through adoption."

"And she sought you again in DC?"

"I told her she could call if she ever needed anything," he admitted, knowing there was very little he could hide from his mother, so he'd better be honest as much as he could.

"Did she find any answers about her birth mother, then? Were you able to help her?"

He couldn't help it, a bitter laugh escaped his lips. "I married her answer."

His mother's eyes were wide, then. Very wide. And very full of questions. She was begging him to go on.

"She's Meredith's biological daughter. Meredith was still studying for her undergrad in Dartmouth when she fell pregnant. She came to New York to find the baby's father, but she never did."

"And then you found her. That's quite the coincidence."

Derek couldn't help but laugh bitterly again. "She never told me about her. Never. I had no clue about Amy's existence until she actually showed up in my hospital."

His mother moved closer to him, her hand squeezing his shoulder tenderly. "That's why she's here, isn't it?" she murmured, practically reading his subconscious mind. "She's family. Amy is family."

Derek shook his head, but he couldn't put it any other way. "Sometimes I look at her and she's Meredith. She's all Meredith. It's uncanny how alike they are when they spent their lives on two different sides of the country."

"I've met Meredith only briefly, but I thought they looked alike right away," his mother said, squeezing his shoulder more firmly.

"She has her father's eyes, though. Even if I don't know him, those are not Meredith's." He had no idea why he said that, but his mother only hummed in response, not saying anything.

"Even if she has her own family, right now you're acting like her dad, Derek." His mother's words made him swallow thickly, and he wondered if she could be right. If he was projecting his desire to be a father at Christmastime on her since his kids were on the other side of the country. Part of him couldn't deny the connection he felt with Amy, and he blamed the fact that he held her when she was a newborn and that she was half Meredith.

"Speaking of dads," he introduced, trying to change the subject, as he gathered back his own composure. "Amy called me because her mother is falling apart after her dad died. She's drinking and she's not herself, so she wanted to take Caden somewhere safe. She told me they don't have much of a family, and she had no idea where to go."

"Meredith – "

"The meeting didn't go well. At all." He cut her short, and he was lucky his mother wasn't one to pry, unlike his sisters.

"But she trusts you to keep her safe."

"Yes. And I guess if I couldn't be with my own family this Christmas, being with her is the next best thing. And I was going to come here either way, with or without Amy."

His mother smiled, shaking her head. "It's good to have you here, even though I'm sorry you're missing your Christmas with Meredith and the children."

"It's good to be here. I've missed being around family," he admits. "Also, I was going to ask you to talk to Amy's mom. If you want. And if Amy wants."

His mother smiled almost knowingly, giving an imperceptible nod. "Of course I'll try to talk to her if Amy is okay with it. I know what it's like."

Derek took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the photo of their family he could see in the corridor, his eyes drawn to his father as usual. Being here reminded him how long it's actually been since he died. He had spent more years of his life without his dad now, and he had no idea how to make sense of that detail.

"Mom, you've been a widow for so long … Don't you regret it?" he blurted, unable to keep his tongue in check.

"What, marrying your father? Why would I regret it?"

"You could have married someone else, had a lifetime with him. Or you could have remarried –"

"Derek, even if I had a month with your father, or even a day, before he was taken away, he would have been worth it. He's worth all the years I've been widowed, and no one can replace him. I could settle with someone else who is just as alone as I am, and believe me, it would be nice to have someone in my old age, but I'd never love anyone as much as I love your father. That's why it's worth it."

"Even when you're lonely."

"Oh, I'm hardly lonely. I'm always surrounded with people who need me. And it's okay, even if the other half of the bed is always empty."

Derek had no idea why he brought up Dad, but it just came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop, and of course his mother baffled him with her answer. Because he knew what an empty bed felt like, and he had no regrets either, just like she did. And it scared him, how much he loves Meredith. It was a scary thought that she might have gotten tired of him and ask for a divorce, and he'd be left alone forever. Nobody would ever compare to Meredith, and the idea that he might have compromised that forever choked him sometimes.

"Call your wife, Derek."

He looked up at his mother with wide eyes, wondering how she could read him so well. But then again, she probably had a sixth sense about him, just like Meredith had a sixth sense about Zola and Bailey. Maybe he should pitch in a research about that connection to the BRAIN people, because it surely was eerily fascinating.

"I don't want to fight with her on Christmas Eve."

"Why on earth would you call her to fight?"

"Because I was supposed to be there and her gift is super cheesy, so I'm sure she's going to hate me more than she does on an average day," he chuckled, laced with everything but humor.

"What could possibly be so cheesy that would make Meredith so mad at you?"

* * *

 ** **Irene's A/N: What could be Meredith's present indeed? And how much trouble do you think Derek is in? Lots of food for thought in this chapter, uh? Thank you for reading and loving this still.****


	10. Chapter 10

**Nicole's A/N: So sorry for another delay. The good news is, there are three chapters in the bank now, and only around seven left to write ... which means we're around the half-way point with the story! In the meantime, enjoy some Christmas goodness in August. :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

* * *

The snow stopped falling in Seattle around ten a.m. on Christmas Day. Meredith, Amelia, and most of the hospital staff were trapped inside the fine walls of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. The ER, of course, had been swamped with emergency after emergency. Meredith felt awful about her kids being trapped in daycare on Christmas Day with their father on the other side of the country.

Derek hadn't even had the balls to call her himself to let her know his flight was cancelled. She'd found out from Callie. Meredith didn't know why in the world Derek had called Callie of all people, but she was pretty furious about it. At least she and Derek weren't fighting on Christmas. Maybe that was what Derek wanted to avoid.

She'd spent most of Christmas Day in the OR, fixing nasty holiday injuries. The number of emergency surgeries always increased around the holidays, but the influx of patients had more than quadrupled with this wicked blizzard. However, the biggest surprise arrived when she and Amelia were both paged to the front of the hospital at noon.

A white Cayenne was parked in front of the hospital, and it had a huge double-looped bow on its hood. Meredith didn't know much about cars, but she was pretty sure the car was the same year as her husband's. A card in a red envelope that said Amelia was tucked under the windshield wipers. Amelia ripped open the card and a silver key fell to the ground.

Amelia read aloud as she picked the key off the ground, "Merry Christmas! Love, Derek PS: Tell Meredith to check inside, and don't forget to look in the trunk."

Meredith rolled her eyes. Of course this was Derek's doing. She saw Amelia's eyes expanding.

"He got me car? This is a joke, right?" Amelia gasped, stunned. Meredith didn't know know what to say to her sister-in-law, but she knew for a fact that Amelia was in dire need of her own transportation, since Derek was adamantly against her driving his car, even with him in DC. His car was sitting in long-term parking at the airport. Meredith didn't blame him for not wanting Amelia's hands on his precious Porsche. Amelia was bound to destroy it.

Meredith was just glad that Amelia wouldn't need to constantly carpool with her anymore.

She wondered what the hell Derek had gotten her. Whatever it was, she hoped it was something returnable, because she was not accepting an expensive pity present from her husband.

When Meredith looked in the window, her heart fell into her stomach. The car was filled with Christmas presents. Amelia unlocked the car and opened the door, and a small box fell on the ground.

"To Bailey, from Daddy," Amelia read out loud, scanning all the presents. "They're all addressed to the kids. Open the trunk. That must be where yours is, Mer."

Meredith's blood boiled. It was one thing to return whatever Derek got her, but to return all the kids' presents seemed cruel. They'd had a low-key Christmas at the hospital. The daycare staff had scurried to put together presents for the kids trapped at the hospital in the wake of the storm. The hospital gift shop had come in handy. The kids hadn't even received Meredith's Christmas presents, which were stored in her bedroom closet at home. She hadn't even had time to wrap them.

And here Derek was outdoing her all the way from DC.

Meredith cringed. She would never win against her McPerfect husband. Sometimes she hated him, but she was pretty certain she couldn't hate him at this level if she hadn't loved him first. Love was messy. It was the messiest experience she'd ever gone through. Life was much simpler back when she was screwing a different guy every night. Then again, she hadn't screwed anything other than her showerhead in over a month and a half.

"What's in the trunk?" Amelia asked as Callie Torres and Miranda Bailey appeared, both with wide eyes.

"Santa Claus is a little late." Callie laughed.

"Santa Shepherd, you mean?" Meredith snorted, rolling her eyes.

"Wow, Derek really went all out, didn't he?" Dr. Bailey beamed.

"Anyway, what is in the trunk?" Callie pressed. Meredith figured Callie must have overheard Amelia. Meredith had decided that she didn't want to know what it was, because she knew she would have to return it, so it didn't matter what was there. She might not be able to return the children's presents, but she had the freewill not to accept an expensive, extravagant bribe from her husband.

"Yeah, check the trunk!" Amelia urged.

Meredith rolled her eyes again. "Fine," she relented as Amelia opened the trunk with her shiny, new automatic keys. Dr. Bailey and Callie stood on opposite sides of her and lifted the trunk all the way up.

Meredith looked inside, expecting to see a big, extravagant box of some kind—a Derek-y present—only to find a white envelope. With her name in it. What, had he sent her a card and cash so she could buy what she wanted? She might not be so mad at him, then, because cash was easy to send via snail mail. Or she could just transfer the money directly to his bank account, since she had his account information. They had opted to keep separate banking accounts, but they had each other's account information in case of emergencies.

She took the envelope and ripped it open, expecting a check or green bills to fall out, but she quickly saw there was no money in the envelope. There was just a handwritten note that looked like it had been photocopied. Faxed, perhaps? But to whom?  
Meredith read the text on the piece of paper, which only confused her even more:

 _To find your gift you have to hunt,_  
 _But Owen is not the one with the treasure, I'll be blunt._  
 _Look for the person who caught us in a car._  
 _But beware! We were nowhere near a bar._

"Well, what's it say?!" Callie and Amelia shrieked in unison.

Meredith sighed, rolling her eyes again. "I don't know, apparently Derek is playing some stupid game of hide-and-seek, and this note was totally scanned, so which one of you is helping him?"

She stared at the three women surrounding her. Goosebumps crawled up her arms. Meredith shivered, realizing she should have put on a coat during this snowy, frigid weather. She hadn't planned on being outside this long. She'd thought she was being paged because someone was sick and needed her help, not to play some silly game orchestrated by her husband and partners in crime. She was never going to let him live this one down.

"Well, what's it say?" Dr. Bailey now asked, and it dawned on her.

 _Look for the person who caught us in a car._

Dr. Bailey had caught her and Derek in his car in her driveway. "It's you," Meredith said, glaring at Dr. Bailey. "You're the one who caught us in a car."

"That was fast. I'm impressed," Dr. Bailey responded with a smile, fiddling in her jacket. She had planned ahead. Meredith cringed. She could not believe that Dr. Bailey would play along with such a childish game! "Here's the second clue." Dr. Bailey handed her another envelope, identical to the first.

A pager shrieked, and Bailey, Amelia, Callie, and Meredith all checked to see if it were theirs.

"It's mine. Have fun! Derek worked hard on this," Dr. Bailey said, winking before she left.

"So are you two my scavenger hunt cheerleaders?" Meredith turned to Callie and Amelia

Amelia shrugged. "I didn't know anything about this. I swear. Derek doesn't tell _me_ anything, you know."

Callie sighed. "Okay, he faxed the letters to me. Please, just _try_ to have fun. Derek worked really hard on this. He wanted to be here to be your cheerleader himself. He was really bummed he couldn't."

Meredith sighed. "He's working really hard for the president if has time to plan games, isn't he?" She rolled her eyes once again. "Well, let's do this." She tore open the second envelope.

* * *

When he was little, Derek wondered why his mother always woke up so early on Christmas Day when the night before Midnight Mass ended so late. When he became an adult, he figured that all that food didn't cook by itself and someone had to make it.

Also, while he guessed there wouldn't be any presents for him under the tree, the children were expecting this moment eagerly, and his mother wanted to witness that. They waited all year to open Santa's presents, and this time around, he didn't mind being awake himself.

He made Amy and Caden's day when they opened his presents, just like all his other nieces and nephews. Amy had bought Caden a small gift with her money, but Derek had figured the kids wouldn't have any presents, so he wanted to make that right. He was glad his mother always had spare toys laying around, so he could wrap a set of Hot Wheels for Caden. Finding a gift for Amy had been slightly more complicated, but he had been proactive on his way to New York and found a bookstore, to buy her a copy of The Sun Also Rises. He remembered how the paperback took his mind off all his problems during a particularly tough semester of college, and he hoped Hemingway could do the trick for her too.

Of course his sisters kept looking at them funnily, but he didn't care. They had "From Santa" on it, after all.

So far, Christmas Day had been the same day he always remembered it to be, only Amy and Caden brightening it even more. For a moment, he wondered what it would have been like to have Meredith and the children here too, but he dismissed the thought quickly. It wouldn't do him any good to wonder about that.

Amy stared at all the people around her, near the Christmas tree, in that huge living room, and she wondered how in the world she ended up there.

She caressed the cover of the book Derek gave her absentmindedly, staring at the loud family around her. She had fun playing with all the little kids the day before, and they all seemed to like her. Amy had found it almost harder to relate to the various people her age in the Shepherd family. She knew it was easier for her to get along with kids either way.

While the younger members of the family seemed to welcome her with open arms, Derek's sisters seemed still curious about her presence there, throwing her glances once in a while, especially when both her name and Caden's had come up in the traditional round of gift-giving.

She had been stunned by the large number of presents under the tree. Usually, under their tree back home there were a dozen presents at the mosts, but usually less. It's not that they didn't indulge during Christmastime, but they were only four people. The Shepherds were a herd.

Amy was still stunned by the sheer amount of noise all these people crammed together could produce, but nobody seemed affected. Not even Derek, who had admitted he hadn't been home recently. She guessed he had lived his entire life here, so the noise had always been a constant. Children were talking over each other, the sisters and their husbands were constantly helping one kid or the other with a box or certain parts that had to be assembled; the only one who looked even remotely calm was Carolyn, who sat on her armchair sipping her coffee, a small smile on her face.

"You know, the gift exchange is not even the worst part," Derek told her, moving closer to her to be heard over the hum of the room. "Lunch gets even noisier. It's usually when the fighting starts." He chuckled, and a smile appeared on his lips as well.

"I'm not used to having all these people around," Amy admitted, winning another smile from Derek.

"I don't know if Christmas in Seattle would have been any quieter. Sure, there aren't as many kids, but adults can be worse than children. Especially when there's too much eggnog going around."

Amy giggled, trying to imagine serious Derek a bit intoxicated, joking around with his friends. She had a hard time imagining Derek with friends in the first place, but she could see how he was loosening up the more time he spent with his family. He was still a mystery to her, though Amy liked mysteries.

"Amy, can I get more juice?" Caden came closer to her, asking with his pleading brown eyes, and he made her giggle.

"I'm getting you some right away."

Caden thanked her, and Amy saw Carolyn stand up from her armchair.

"Come on, I'll show you where it is," the older woman said, leaving Amy slightly puzzled. Of course she knew where the fridge was. Or did they have a special juice fridge? Or maybe they finished the latest jug and they had to open a new one?

She followed Carolyn to the kitchen, where she opened the fridge and took out the apple juice. Okay, that was a fishy move. Was the kitchen the place where Carolyn did her super-secret talks? Maybe she was uninviting her from Christmas lunch and kicking her and Caden out in the snow?

"Are you having a good Christmas?" Carolyn asked in her grandmotherly voice, instead. Unless she was trying to give her a strange sense of security, before kicking her out?

"Yes. Definitely better than what I pictured a week ago, to be honest."

"Derek told me about what happened. I'm the only one who knows, don't worry."

Part of her knew that Derek had to tell someone, but Carolyn seemed suddenly a lot less intimidating. "It's fine."

"I can relate with your mother, you know? I lost my husband too." Carolyn's face didn't change, but her voice was lower, more reserved, the one used for secrets and secret ploys. "I can tell her what helped me. I can be someone who understands. When I lost my husband I felt so alone. I was so young, and it happened so suddenly, I felt like nobody could understand. I know what that feels like."

Amy's heart clenched for her mother, because that's exactly what was happening. Her mother's only companion was the bottle, these days. People had been quick to come and go after the wake and the funeral. Now it was just the three of them, and even if she didn't like drinking herself into oblivion, sometimes Amy thought that was the only option left.

"What are you suggesting?"

"I can come home with you, if you want, and talk to her. Tell her my experience, how I coped, how I moved on."

"I'm not even sure if she'll be home when we go back," Amy admitted, slightly comforted by the idea that she'd have Carolyn and Derek by her side when she came home.

"Doesn't hurt to try, right?" The older woman's smile was so soft and motherly Amy gave in.

"Okay."

"Alright," Carolyn smiled. "Go, enjoy the rest of Christmas, I have work to do in here." She playfully shoved Amy back into the living room, making Amy smile all the way back to her seat on the carpet.

It felt good to pretend they were her family for a few hours more. And to indulge in a delicious home-cooked meal.

* * *

 _Start the journey where it all began_  
 _when you were just a girl in a bar._  
 _We had no idea we will get this far,_  
 _not even when I gave you a kidney in a jar._

"Joe's," Meredith said immediately after reading the riddle without putting much thought into it. She had met Derek in a bar, when she'd told him she was just a girl in a bar. He'd also given her a kidney in a jar there after she'd had a lousy day at work and they'd had a big fight about something she couldn't recall. It was his way of apologizing; Derek always had cheesy apologies. She had a feeling this, whatever he'd gotten her for Christmas, was one of them.

Amelia snatched the envelope and paper from Meredith's hand as the three women trailed across the street to Joe's Bar. It was then that Meredith realized Callie was the only one wearing a jacket, which meant, most likely, that Amelia truly wasn't in on Derek's scheme.

"He gave you a kidney in a jar?" Amelia snorted. "Wait, that's where the kidney jar lamp in Zola's room came from?"

"It's a long story," Meredith said, crossing her arms to savor whatever body heat she had left. Surely Derek realized that Christmas was in December and Christmas in Seattle was cold, right? True, it wasn't usually this cold in Seattle on Christmas, and there usually weren't several feet of snow on the ground. Nonetheless, Meredith hoped Derek's game wasn't going to send her stomping around the whole city in this mountain of whiteness. If his plan was to make her freeze to death, she wasn't going to be very happy, no matter how amazing the gift was that he'd gotten her.

Judging by the shiny new car he'd gotten for Amelia and the piles of presents for the kids, Meredith was horrified to see what he'd gotten her. The keys to Emerald City Bar? After all, Joe was hardly around anymore. Whatever he'd gotten her, she was determined not to like it. Derek was not going to buy her love; she wouldn't allow for that to happen no matter how hard he tried.

"I'm a Shepherd. I love long stories," Amelia teased.

"Well, maybe some other time. We don't have time for that right now. We have to play Derek's stupid game now, don't we?" Meredith said.

"Technically, you don't have to play." Callie shrugged.

"True, you don't." Amelia nodded.

"But Derek would kill me if you didn't, so for my sake, let's keep playing," Callie added.

"Because it's all about you," Meredith muttered under her breath.

"What?" Callie asked.

"Nothing," Meredith responded, reaching for the doorknob to Emerald City Bar. "If we're gonna do this, let's do this now. It's now or never."

They were met by a face Meredith hadn't seen in a long time. "Long time no see!" Joe greeted them from behind the bar counter.

Meredith wondered if he, too, was in cahoots with her husband. Secretly, she wanted to hate him for playing along with Derek's games, but that meant she had to hate Callie and Bailey too. Hating all those people took a lot of energy.

She didn't have the energy to hate them all, so she was just going to have to let it go and play the stupid game.

"I hear you have a riddle for me," Meredith said.

"A what?" Joe asked. "Oh, you mean this?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a white envelope, identical to the one in the car and the one Bailey had given Meredith.

"Yeah, that." Meredith sighed, taking it from Joe and ripping it open without a second's hesitation.

 _Katie was a girl falling during rhythmic gymnastics,_  
 _with her diagnosis you were fantastic._  
 _Go to the place where it's always a beautiful day to save lives,_  
 _where we put on scrub caps and play with knives._  
 _Be careful, pick the right one,_  
 _or this quest will be done._

"You've got to be freaking kidding me," Meredith groaned. She was supposed to remember the exact operating room that she had watched Derek slice into their first patient's brain. She was floored that Derek himself was even capable of remembering that. He couldn't even remember to tell her when he had asked Callie and Arizona to take the kids home on a night they had both been working late; she'd had a panic attack trying to figure out where the hell her kids were.

"What?" Callie and Amelia asked at the same time.

"I'm supposed to remember which OR Derek and I operated on our first patient together," Meredith enlightened them.

"Okay, well that should be easy. Was there a gallery?" Amelia asked.

She had no idea.

"I don't know," Meredith said. Then she remembered something vital. "The nurses' station … it was the one closest to the nurses' station!"

Meredith guided Callie and Amelia across the parking lot and up the stairs—she hadn't bothered waiting for the elevator. She was on a mission, and she was determined to complete it sooner rather than later. Unlike Derek, she didn't have time for games. She had work that needed to be done, and she still hadn't seen her children on Christmas Day. At this point, she felt just like her mother, and it wasn't a good feeling. But she knew there wasn't anything she could do about it, especially when her husband wanted to play stupid games.

She would make it up to Zola and Bailey. She had to make it up to them.

Owen and April were operating in the OR. Cringing, Meredith wondered if they, too, were in on Derek's scheme. They looked clueless, though, when she opened the door. "Dr. Grey, can we help you?" Owen asked.

"Is there a white envelope in this OR somewhere?" Meredith asked.

Owen and April shared a confused look. Everyone's eyes wandered around the room, until April's eyes froze on the utensil table. "Is that what you're looking for?" she asked. One of the scrub nurses took the envelope and handed it to Meredith.

Meredith's cheeks warmed. "Thank you," she said hoarsely and quickly removed herself from the OR. "I hope this letter is sanitary," Meredith shot at Callie.

"The envelopes were in a brand-new package, and I made sure to scrub before I touched that one," Callie said.

Meredith sighed and tore the envelope open.

 _There was a prom and you in a dress,_  
 _and both of us couldn't withstand the stress._  
 _We found a room, but not for an exam;_  
 _panties on the bulletin board were not part of the plan._

Her cheeks flushed as her eyes landed on Callie again. Now, she supposed, Derek expected her to remember the exact exam room they had hooked up in at prom when Callie had caught them together.

"Do you remember?" Meredith asked Callie.

"Remember what?" Callie shrugged, acting clueless. The last thing Meredith wanted was to explain to Amelia the significance of this note.

And it just so happened she did remember the exact exam room. She rushed toward the stairwell.  
"Where are we going?" Amelia asked. "What'd the letter say?"

"Just … hush. Don't you have somewhere else to be? You're not really helping," Meredith snapped.

"Hey, I just want to be here to mock my cheesy brother," Amelia retorted.

"Exactly my point." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Look, if you don't want me here, I can go," Amelia said.

Meredith sighed loudly. "I … I don't know," she said. "I just want this to be over, so if you're going to tag along, then fine, but keep your comments to yourself."

"You didn't tell me what the letter said, so how could I comment on it?!" Amelia threw back.

"I don't have time to explain everything to you, Amelia," Meredith said harshly, "and let's just say there are some things you're better off not knowing." She concluded her statement as they arrived at the exam room in question, which fortunately was not in use.

Amelia's eyes widened as she quickly shared a look with Callie, who raised her eyebrows up and down. "Oh …" Amelia mumbled. "Oh!"

Meredith tuned her sister-in-law out as she scoped the room for another envelope. She just hoped that this would be the last one.

Her eye almost skipped over the white blend of the envelope and table paper. Meredith hastily grabbed the envelope and ripped it open.

 _Stupid hormones were a lot of fun_  
 _I bet Ross was glad you didn't have a gun._  
 _Go to the room where doctors should sleep,_  
 _but where managing sexy times is never a feat._

"Jeez, you can really tell where Derek's mind was when he was writing these riddles," Meredith groaned.

"Another sexy place?" Amelia snorted. Callie nudged Amelia while Meredith glared at her sister-in-law before leading them to the on-call room on the first floor, which was also empty. The first floor on-call rooms were used the least, since they were farthest from the patients, which was one reason she and Derek had always made use of them the most.

The envelope was tucked under a pillow.

 _I didn't get down on one knee_  
 _when I asked you to marry me._  
 _I didn't have a question back then, but I have one now,_  
 _what's our favorite box that goes up and down?_  
 _Come on, keep searching, lose that frown._

How did he know she was frowning? Her egohead husband thought he knew everything about her. She scowled. "To the elevators," she sighed.

"Wait, you did it in the elevator?! That must have been one quick quickie," Amelia gasped.

"No!" Meredith rolled her eyes. "He proposed to me in the elevator."

"Oh!" Amelia gasped. "Um … uh. Yeah, I'll just shut up now."

"Please do," Meredith mumbled as she pushed the up button and waited for the correct elevator to open.

She read this one out loud:

 _"I was so happy and proud when you made a fork,_  
 _but everybody thought you were just a dork._  
 _Go to the place where you completed your work,_  
 _My gift to you will be for more than just stabbing pork."_

"You made a fork?" Amelia asked. A rush of emotions hit Meredith at once. Derek was the only person who supported her when she printed that damn fork with her 3D printer.

"It was the first object I printed with my 3D printer," Meredith whispered. "Everyone laughed … Derek didn't, but deep down I know he thought I was pathetic just like everyone else." Look at him now, Meredith thought to herself. "Whatever he got is in my lab. It's been in my lab all along, hasn't it, Callie?"

Callie shrugged.

"You could have just told me that in the beginning. Would have saved me a hell of a lot of time," Meredith sighed.

"Oh, come on, you have to admit this has been fun. I know Derek had fun writing it all. He really wanted to be here with you. He would have, you know, if he could have been," Callie said warmly.

"Well, he couldn't even call me and tell me that," Meredith said. "I had to hear his flight was cancelled from you, so he must not have wanted to be here with me too bad. I still haven't talked to him, and it's Christmas." Meredith glanced at her phone, just to make sure he hadn't called. She'd been glancing at her phone on and off all day, waiting for his call, but it never came. She didn't think she should have to be the one to call him, since she wasn't the one not here.

"He was probably scared of your reaction," Callie said. "He really doesn't want to fight with you, you know. He doesn't want to fight with either of you." Callie directed her gaze to Amelia.

"Well, he makes that kind of hard when he's an ass and then he throws it in our faces that he's better than us. Buying fancy gifts isn't going to fix anything." Amelia rolled her eyes.

"For what it's worth, he's lucky he's not here," Meredith snickered. "It's harder for us to kill him when he's on the other side of the country."

"Hey, at least we can agree on something there," Amelia said, holding out her hand for Meredith to give her a high-five, but Meredith refrained.

Meredith shook her head. "Look, if you don't mind, I'd like to see what it is on my own. I'm sure Callie already knows what it is."

"And I'm sure I'll hear what it is later. I should probably go move my new car." Amelia sighed. "Why did Derek have to get me a white car? I hate white cars! Doesn't he know that? They get dirty so easy."

"A car's a car." Meredith winked.

"Yeah, yeah." Amelia sighed, and she stormed away.

Callie glanced at her watch. "I really should see my daughter. It is Christmas, after all. Merry Christmas, Mer."

It sure didn't feel merry. Or like Christmas, period. Then again, Meredith's Christmases were historically unmerry.

Meredith just frowned in reply. Now all alone, she headed toward her research lab.

* * *

As Derek had anticipated, Christmas lunch turned out to be utter chaos, though the way the trays and plates and pots with food moved around the table resembled a dance, not the mayhem that was the meal.

The kids sat at one end of the table, the adults on the other, and those who weren't either like herself sat in the middle. Amy was glad Derek was sitting next to her, though. It still felt a bit daunting to intrude in this family's Christmas traditions. Yet, Caden didn't seem to mind that at all.

"I see Derek is trying to convert you to his deranged literary ways with his present?" Lizzie interjected, surprising Amy a bit.

For the entire length of first course she had listened to all the chatters around her, hardly even adding her own two cents, but now she was actively involved in the conversation, and it took her aback.

"He's a dorky Hemingway fan," Kathleen added, her own smirk on her face, as Derek groaned next to her.

"Yup. He had an entire shelf dedicated to Hemingway in his room." Nancy is the last one to jab. "It was like a shrine."

All the sisters laughed as Derek mumbled "It was not."

"I still have all your books here," Carolyn said, addressing Derek.

"Really?" He smiled, actually surprised by the revelation. "I thought they were lost somewhere in a box after I moved to Seattle. I'm glad they're here."

"Seriously, though, Derek, maybe the girl likes good literature?" Nancy poked him again, and she had to smile back.

"I happen to like Hemingway," she confessed, turning to Derek with a gentle smile. "I haven't read much from him, but I liked what I read. I'm not one for mainstream books."

"Oh, I know why you took her under your wing, now. Are you grooming her to replace you in the OR, too?"

Derek chuckles. "Of course not. I have my adepts." He smirked. "Though I would be happy to teach her one day."

"There's a long way to that." She sighed; sometimes the reality of how long it really took to become a doctor made her throw the towel before she even started. Though that was definitely a quitter move, and she wasn't a quitter. She hated quitters.

"Are you implying that he won't be able to teach you because he'll be retired soon? Because that's definitely a possibility," Lizzie taunted, winning an eye-roll from a good portion of the adult table.

"I have to admit I can see some gray in the oh-so-precious hair," Nancy mused. Amy figured she was the one who liked to tease Derek the most, considering how much he groaned and complained whenever she did. "McDreamy, wasn't it?"

"Oh, God. How do you even know that stupid nickname?"

Amy giggled at Derek's embarrassment. It kinda fit. She wondered who gave him the moniker, because they hit the nail right on the head with that. Derek had a lot of dreamy qualities in him when he wanted to. Probably a prince charming complex, on top of that as well. The nickname fit.

"Meredith told you, right? She was ranting and she called me McDreamy, so all of you now know that?"

Amy's eyes widened. That was how Meredith mocked Derek? Maybe she should have given the woman a bit more credit.

"Actually, I remember the name floating around when I came visiting. Addison confirmed it was you." Nancy finished, winning eye rolls again. Amy guessed this Addison wasn't someone they particularly liked.

"I heard it too when I was recovering there." Lizzie gave in. "And no, it wasn't Meredith. Though I can hear her pissed off voice calling you that."

Derek groaned loudly, though his eyes seemed to gain a certain sparkle back as soon as Meredith's name was mentioned. Lately, whenever he brought her up, her name had made his eyes darken, but not in this circumstance. Derek's eyes were brighter than the sparkly lights on their huge Christmas tree.

Amy wondered how Derek and Meredith could fit together, to be honest. They seemed polar opposites, in almost everything, and yet, Derek looked like a teenager whenever he talked about her qualities or how much he loved her. Maybe they were good together, she had no idea, considering that they were fighting when she showed up. And while the curiosity of seeing them together was big, she figured she'd never know for sure, since she had no intention of willingly seeing Meredith again.

* * *

It was right in front of her, but she couldn't bring herself to open it. The box, wrapped with red-Christmas themed paper and a white bow on top, was ginormous. It was gorgeous to look at; she hated to ruin it by opening it.

Her hand trembled as she held the final envelope, which had been taped to the present.

She fought tears, but she didn't want to cry. She couldn't cry. She had to remain strong; she knew that. No boy was worth crying over, especially not Derek, not after how he'd treated her these past months. Then again, she wasn't a saint either. She knew that she'd made his life difficult too. They both were guilty of so much, but this right here was unacceptable. She couldn't accept Derek's big, fancy gift, especially when she had not got him anything extraordinary.

Meredith had never been a big fan of Christmas; she and Derek had never gone out of their ways to buy each other Christmas presents. Usually their holidays were spent in the OR, since they were always the busiest time at the hospital thanks to holiday mishaps, and their gift to each other was usually a quickie in an on-call room. That was enough for her. That's what she had hoped to give him this Christmas.

Tears festered in her eyes. She blinked them away quickly as she took a deep breath and opened the final envelope.

 _You told me once we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart;_  
 _life is messy for us, it's been like that from the start._  
 _I still believe in the magic of us,_  
 _in blue post-its and tumors on walls._  
 _I love you and the family we built,_  
 _even when I'm really good at making the foundation tilt._  
 _Merry Christmas, Meredith, all the way from DC,_  
 _I can't wait to see you succeed._  
 _(Also, imagine that, right now, I'm giving you a bone-melting kiss.)_

She'd promised herself she wouldn't cry, but there they were, streaming down her face mercilessly and there wasn't anything she could do about it. Meredith was just grateful she had sent Callie and Amelia away, so they didn't have to see her like this. This was the reason she'd sent them away, because, deep down, she knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together.

Meredith wanted nothing more than that bone-melting kiss, but at the same time, she wanted to slap the hell out of Derek. And she hated that she couldn't do either. She hated this arrangement. It wasn't working out at all, and she knew it was her fault. Her stubbornness had put them in this awful situation, and little by little she knew she was losing Derek each day.

She dug her nails into the wrapping paper and shredded the paper with her fingers, putting all her strength into demolishing the pretty red paper.

What she revealed was stunning. Her heart raced.

It was a brand new 3D printer.

Crap, she thought. She had so badly wanted to hate Derek's present.

But she couldn't. She knew she had a call to make.

* * *

Derek's phone rang after they had eaten dessert and they were chilling in the kitchen, talking about nothing and everything. He excused himself from the table to answer it.

He picked up without even looking at the ID, knowing that it had to be important if they were calling him on Christmas Day, whoever they were.

"I hate you," came from the other end of the call, and Derek froze in the hall, his eyes widening when he realized to whom the croaky voice belonged to.

"Mere?" He whispered tentatively, afraid of her next words. He really didn't want to fight with her right then, and the beginning of the conversation didn't bode well for him.

"I hate this." She used as a reply.

And then it dawned on him that she must have finished the scavenger hunt and found her present. Maybe that was a bit too much? Maybe she didn't want to 3D-print anything anymore? He was usually good at gifts, especially for people he knew and loved, but did he completely miss the mark?

"Meredith, did you finish the scavenger hunt?"

"Yes," she croaked, clearing her throat right after. "Why? Why did you give me a 3D printer as a Christmas present? Is it for your own amusement when I'll fail miserably?"

He sighed, and now more than anything he just wanted to be there next to his wife and hold her. He was supposed to be there. Kiss her until their knees were weak. Reassure her that he had his best intentions in mind. A phone call had to do.

"Of course not. I told you in the note, I want to see you succeed."

"You don't believe I'll succeed."

"I do. Your mind is brilliant; you can succeed in everything you set your mind into."

There was a long silence after that, and Derek swore he could hear Meredith sniffling. She was breaking his heart, all the way from Seattle.

"I miss you, Mere," he blurted, surprised by his honesty and the raw quality of his voice. Yet, he didn't mind how vulnerable he was all of a sudden.

Meredith swallowed a lump in her throat when Derek's words reached her ear. Of course she missed him too. And she hated him. She hated that he was all the way in DC and not with her, not there to give her the stupid printer or to reassure her that she wasn't a failure. She felt more and more like a failure these days, she couldn't believe how Derek could believe in her so blindly.

"You didn't call," she said instead of voicing her true feelings. She had no idea if it was a bit of a payback for having her run around the whole hospital following clues on cards or what, but the hurt that seeped in her voice didn't make her feel any better.

"I didn't call," Derek murmured simply. "I knew if I called we would have fought over the fact that I'm not coming home for Christmas."

She sighed. She had to give it to him, he was probably right, even if it didn't make her feel any better. "I had to hear it from Callie. Callie, Derek."

"Would you have preferred a text? Because that's as far as I was willing to go." His tone had already took an edge and she bit her lip, another tear scrolling down her cheek. She heard him take a very deep breath. "God, I'm sorry. This is why I don't call. I can't – "

The sincerity behind that broke her heart. And yes, he knew her so well that he had predicted when she would frown on his clue cards, but she could bet the printer in front of her that he was now running his hand through his hair and pacing, wherever he was.

"Where are you? Are you stranded in an airport somewhere?" She softened her tone, trying to set aside all the anger, because a tiny part of her was really concerned about his well-being.

"I drove to New York, I'm having Christmas with my mother and the sisters." She could hear the hint of a smile in his tone, and she wondered if he would have been this happy with her and the kids here. "They are all missing you and the children."

"I'm glad you're not alone today, Derek," she murmured softly, sighing loudly.

"Are Zola and Bailey there with you?" There was a certain urgency in his tone the she could understand perfectly. She was missing them, too.

"Actually, no. They're in daycare. We are stranded at the hospital and I have to cover the shifts until they clear the roads and new people can come in. It's been crazy the past few days with all this snow."

"Oh." Man, she hated the sighs that made him sound like she had just killed his puppy.

"Should I go up there? Call you back when I'm with them?"

"God, I want to see them." He breathed, almost as if he had been thinking out loud. "Do you think we can Skype when you get home, so they can open a few presents with me there?"

"I have no idea when I'll be home," she admitted, part of her crushed as much as Derek sounded on the other end. "What about tomorrow? I'll probably be home by then. We can have our own Christmas on Boxing Day."

"Yes," he stammered. "Yes, I'd love that."

"Okay." She sighed. She had no idea why, but it felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders as they finalized their plans.

"I'll try to come home soon, even if it's not Christmas. I promise."

She hummed something in agreement, though she stopped believing in his promises. If he came home, theyd figure out a way to coexist until he left again. It would be okay.

"Thank you," he murmured. "Thank you, Meredith."

She had no idea how to reply to that, or why he was even thanking her. "Merry Christmas, Derek."

"Merry Christmas, Meredith," he replied. "I love you," he added, then hung up before she could say anything else.

"I love you, too," she murmured into the empty lab, her eyes on the 3D printer, her heart heavy.

* * *

The house had quieted down considerably after Derek's sisters had left, the only noise was Carolyn cleaning the kitchen and chatting with Caden. Derek showed up a few minutes later, looking a bit distraught and disheveled, then he mumbled something about packing. Amy frowned at the abrupt change in him after the phone call.

Derek's lively and happy spirit had dulled to a hum after the phone call, which basically made the party wind down pretty quickly. Amy hadn't minded that, since she was tired after the long day, but it was odd to see such a different side of Derek in the span of only a few moments.

Derek came downstairs a few minutes after, carrying his suitcase to the foyer, together with Caden's backpack.

"I'll get your stuff right away," he announced, piling up the luggage.

"There's no rush, Derek," Carolyn said smiling at her son. Derek simply smiled back, only to disappear upstairs again.

When he came back down he had Amy's backpack and her purse, and he left them on top of the pile already in the foyer.

He sat down next to Amy, and she shifted the stack of dirty plates closer to the dishwasher. He gave her a soft smile, sighing softly.

"I hope you two had fun the last couple of days here," Derek said, grabbing a container of leftovers and putting them in the fridge.

"We did." Amy confirmed, knowing he had done much more than what was necessary to make sure they indeed had a good Christmas. "Thank you, Derek."

"It was a pleasure having you two here." Carolyn added from her spot. "You're welcome to come back anytime to keep company to an old lady," she said, making Amy smile.

"Thank you for having us."

"I mean it, Amy. If anything else happens and you need to get away, come here. Or call me." Carolyn smiled gently, giving Amy a piece of paper with her handwritten phone number on it. "Or you can just call to catch up."

Amy hoped she would use the number only for the latter.

"Mom, are you coming with me to take Amy and Caden home?" Derek asked while he was securing his own Tupperware of leftovers, before he gave one to Amy and Caden as well.

Carolyn shared a look with her, asking for one last confirmation. Amy smiled her yes, as Carolyn vocalized hers. "You don't mind if I come with your car, Derek, right?"

Amy smiled. Oh, McDreamy was in big trouble…

Amy had to admit, she enjoyed seeing this side of Derek. While he was still the same family man he had been in Seattle, he looked a lot less on edge here, more relaxed. He wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop, unlike what she could remember of her brief stay in Seattle. Of course it wasn't just his own kids who adored him, but his nieces and nephews loved him just the same. Even though Derek had disappeared after his phone call, it had been nice to know he could be so playful and happy.

As they drove to her house, Derek spoke only enough to ask for directions, or to reply when someone asked him a question. Amy noticed he was slightly more articulated when Caden asked something trivial, while he tended to be curt and brisk when it was Carolyn who asked.

The closer they were to her house though, the less she could care about Derek's issues. Her own issues were rising to the surface. And this was not the time to have a panic attack. Not at all. The snow, falling quietly but steadily, wasn't helping matters, either.

After her father died, snow lost its appeal to her. Amy had never been a fan, but she hated it more now. It reminded her of bad times and losses, instead of the magic of Christmas it usually symbolizes.

"I guess Snowmageddon has moved from the West to the East," Derek commented dryly, his voice irritated as the wipers on the windshield made a soundtrack for his words. "I'm not a big fan of snow right now."

"Me neither," she murmured, and Derek's eyebrows rose – at least that was what it appeared to be from the rearview mirror.

Amy could see it in eyes how much it still bothered him not to be in Seattle, and she tried to focus on his turmoil to avoid hers.

Even Caden next to her took a deep breath as they took one last turn into their street, and she almost wanted to pretend they could simply keep driving instead of telling Derek they had arrived when she spotted her own front door.

"The one with the white door," she murmured, the lump in her throat larger and larger.

Amy had no idea if she could actually move as soon as the car stopped. Dread was keeping her rooted to the backseat. The engine stopped humming and only the odd quiet that only snow could bring remained. Every sound seemed muffled as Derek and Caden opened their doors simultaneously.

"I'll carry your suitcase to the door." Derek offered, a tight smile on his face as he bundled up before exiting in the snow.

Derek sighed, for the first time in his life bothered by the gentle snowflakes falling on his skin. He wanted to be home, with Meredith and his babies, and snowflakes were keeping him from them.

He tried to shrug off the feeling that he was intruding in Amy's life, but it didn't want to leave either. There was a lump in his throat of insecurity and restlessness he hadn't felt in a while.

Derek watched as his mother flanked Amy and Caden, leading them to the door. The more he looked at Amy, the bigger was the deja-vù. He dismissed that feeling too, focusing on carrying the luggage inside.

Amy's mother welcomed him in with a frown on her face and the smell of alcohol on her breath. He tried to ignore it, but he could see the disappointment on Amy's face when she saw her.

The woman was courteous and sloppy at the same time, and she looked utterly lost. Derek had vague memories of his mother looking like that, but they were fuzzy, and he was grateful. No child needed to see their parent fall apart.

He wondered how much his kids understood of what was going on between him and Meredith, his need to work away from home, why all of a sudden the balance has shifted. He knew they were not too little to understand that something was off.

Almost as if he had predicted it, his phone buzzed as soon as the women retreated to the living room, while Caden had already fled the scene. He saw the notification for a new text message, and sighed when he noticed it was from Meredith.

 _Finally home. Free to Skype anytime soon?_

Derek sighed, glad that Meredith had finally left the hospital, but cursed himself when he had to reply that he had to drive for the next five hours.

While he waited to hear back from Meredith, he studied Amy with the two mothers, talking on the couch. He could see his mother being her own usual comforting self, as Amy's mother struggled to keep the tears at bay. Amy was just there, half surprised, half scared to death, and the sudden urge to hug her again as if she were Zola was unexpected.

He knew he wanted Amy's life to go back on track, with a mother that loved her, even fatherless. Derek also had no doubt Meredith cared about Amy, though he knew how hard it must have been for her to have hidden this secret for years. The anger about this was long gone from his system, he had processed it enough on his lonely nights in DC to figure Meredith had done the best she could under the circumstances.

As he watched his mom hug both Amy and her mother, he vowed not to let all this time pass before he heard from the young woman, even if it was just to catch up with her and ask her about her medical school. Before then though, he had to think about his own kids, still waiting for him to show up for a Christmas that was gone by then.

Meredith's reply came promptly, Derek's phone buzzing again.

 _When you're back in DC, then? We can pretend it's Christmas all over again._

Derek knew he had a set date then, and he replied with a promise to call first and his heart a bit lighter. Especially when he saw the three women in the living room laughing together as if they were old friends.

Knowing that his life was falling back into place, albeit slowly, was the best Christmas present he could have ever received.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: That was quite the chapter, wasn't it? There's still a pending Shepherd family Christmas to celebrate, though. Thank you for still being here, reading.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Nicole's A/N: Don't worry, guys, this story will not be forgotten. We already have quite a few chapters banked. I'm dedicated to making sure this story is finished. I'm hoping it'll be finished by the end of the year. Thank you for sticking with us!**

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

* * *

Meredith's thoughts swayed back and forth from wanting to kiss her husband to wanting to kill him as she obsessively altered her gaze between the clock on the wall, her watch, and her iPhone. He said he would call first, and she believed this was a promise her husband would keep. Time kept passing, and he hadn't called, yet.

They weren't going to fight. They _definitely_ were not going to fight with the children in the same room. That was not going to happen. Meredith would make sure of it.

If Derek ever freaking called, like he promised. Maybe this, too, would end up just being another broken promise. Derek was sure getting good at breaking his promises.

Hopefully he wasn't in a freaking car accident, Meredith worried. Driving on the day after Christmas from New York to DC couldn't be an easy ride.

Assuming he actually showed up, Amelia would also be there to mediate them, which could either be a good or a bad addition. When Amelia heard that Derek and Meredith had arranged to have Christmas over Skype on December 26th, she was quick to insist she be part of the celebration. At first Meredith wasn't thrilled, because she wanted Derek to herself, but Amelia was Derek's family, too, so Meredith couldn't say no.

"Can we call Daddy, Mommy?!" Zola eagerly watched Meredith's laptop, which Meredith had propped up almost two hours ago. It was positioned so that the Christmas trees, and all of Derek's presents, would be captured by the webcam.

Meredith was secretly grateful for Derek's desperate attempt to buy their children's love, because otherwise she had no idea how she would have pulled off the Santa thing all on her own. Ever since they'd adopted Zola, Derek had taken on the role of making sure there were plenty of Christmas presents under the tree from Santa Claus.

"Daddy!" Bailey echoed his sister from his playpen, eying in the same direction as his sister with his bright blue eyes.

 _I'll call first. Promise._ Meredith re-read Derek's text from the night before. She squeezed her iPhone, anticipating a message from Derek to come through, giving her some idea of the exact time he planned to call. He usually checked with her before he called attempted to video chat, aware of her unpredictable schedule.

She'd considered calling him first, but he had _promised_ he would call first. It wasn't like he hadn't broken a promise before, though. Something could have come up. It was the day after Christmas; he could have unexpectedly been called into work. She had no idea if government buildings were open the day after Christmas, but she didn't see why they wouldn't be.

Her thumb hovered over the _Call_ widget beside Derek's name. She inhaled a sharp breath; a chill ran up her spine, and she almost jumped out of her skin when her phone vibrated.

* * *

Derek always called Meredith on her cell phone before attempting to video chat with her. He never knew where she would be, so he needed to make sure she was in a good place.

His heart rate quickened. He'd entered his tiny studio DC apartment less than five minutes ago, and he was still breathless from the jog he'd made up the stairs since he'd been too impatient to wait for the elevator. Ever since moving to DC, his patience had become thinner and thinner. He thought maybe it was the way of life, since everyone was always in a hurry on the East Coast.

Also, elevators reminded him of Meredith, and every time he stepped on one he secretly hoped she would be on the other side when the door opened, but alas, she never was.

He only liked elevators in Seattle. They did nothing for him here except bring people up and down floors.

Derek blinked. His eyes wandered around his practically empty apartment. He had rented an already furnished apartment, since the majority of his personal belongings were in Seattle sans for what he could fit in his suitcase.

Originally when he was offered this job with the NIH, he and Meredith had planned to purchase a house in Foggy Bottom. Well, he had _thought_ Meredith was on board with the plan. Apparently not, since the plan was scratched when Meredith suddenly took him off guard and declared she was staying in Seattle. He'd decided he couldn't move to DC without his family, so he'd told the president he couldn't come to DC, and the rest was history until a representative from the NIH showed up in Seattle and begged him to reconsider.

He turned down the job again, until he and Meredith got into a huge argument — possibly their biggest yet — and he called the lady back and took the job, then fled to DC without even saying goodbye to the kids until he was already in DC.

Derek would never be able to forgive himself for how he left, but there was nothing he could do about it now. All he could do was try to make things right moving forward, even if it had to be from the opposite coast of his wife and children.

Immediately, he booted his laptop — he hadn't packed it, since he hadn't planned on needing it in New York. One way to be certain he didn't work over the holiday was leaving his laptop in DC.

His plan had backfired.

He reached for his phone in his pocket, and tapped anxiously on the screen to recent calls. He clicked Meredith's name anxiously and her face lit up the screen as his phone's dial tone buzzed.

"Derek?" Relief settled inside Derek's chest when Meredith answered the phone after only half a ring; it must mean that she was waiting for his call.

"Is now a good time?" He inhaled a sharp breath.

"I was just about to call you to see how long you would be. The kids are really excited."

She didn't sound upset, but he couldn't help noticing tension in her voice.

"I really wanted to be home sooner, but the traffic … "

"It's fine, Derek. I get it. Traveling on the day after Christmas is a disaster waiting to happen. I should know."

He was surprised she wasn't at the hospital today, because she was right, the worst car pile ups always happened in the days before and after major holidays. Derek wasn't going to complain. If she were working, they wouldn't be having this conversation, and he wouldn't get to spend the holiday with his family at all, even over Skype.

He wondered if she was worried about him. His heart clenched, hating the idea of worrying her, but he also secretly hoped she had been worried. That meant she still cared. He would love to know she still loved him, despite all the crap they'd been through lately.

Derek couldn't even remember the last time she'd told him she loved him.

"I'm going to call you on Skype right now," he said.

* * *

Zola beat Meredith to the computer. She knew how to answer the call; she'd video chatted numerous times with her father while Meredith was at work and the kids were with their sitter.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed.

"Hi, Miss Zola." Meredith heard her husband's voice as she maneuvered to her son's playpen, still out of Derek's view. "Where's your mommy?" Derek asked.

"Getting Bay! See!" Zola turned the computer around toward Meredith, who was now holding Bailey.

"Dada! Dada! Dada!" Bailey clapped.

Meredith sighed. "One sec, I need to get Amelia."

"Amelia? I thought this was just going to be us and the kids?"

"You spent Christmas with the rest of our family in New York. Shouldn't I be part of your Seattle-Skype holiday fiesta? What else am I doing here? I didn't come to Seattle to take over your department, you know. I came to spend more time with my _brother_ , who's not even here. Go figure." Amelia's voice carried down the stairs. "I heard your annoying voice all the way upstairs, by the way. It definitely carries." '

Amelia stomped her way down the stairs.

"Amelia, I didn't mean … "

Maybe Amelia wasn't going to be the best mediator, after all, since it looked like Meredith was going to have to end up mediating her sister-in-law and husband.

"Oh, _you didn't mean_ to hurt my feelings, did you? You never do, do you? You never think before you speak. You never change, Derek!" Amelia crosses her arms, throwing herself into the couch.

This was what Meredith couldn't stand about Amelia. She was so immature sometimes. She was like having a third child in the house. Meredith understood that Amelia was the baby of her family, and not that Meredith had any proof of this, but she suspected she was babied by her mother. She definitely didn't have many responsibilities growing up, otherwise she wouldn't act the way she did.

"You have to admit you're enjoying running my department," Derek fueled. "Without my recommendation, you … "

"Okay, can we stop?" Meredith had had enough, and she knew shit would hit the fan if she allowed Derek to finish his sentence.

"Finish your sentence, Derek." Amelia ignored Meredith. "Finish it. Without your recommendation, I what?"

"No, Derek, don't. It's Christmas … the day after, whatever. It's _our Christmas._ No one's fighting on our Christmas, okay?" Meredith said straight-forwardly, handing Bailey to Amelia so she could grab the laptop. She made herself comfortable on the couch with the laptop in her lap, and Zola snuggled beside her. Amelia walked behind her with Bailey in her arms.

"Can we open pwesents?!" Zola exclaimed, bringing them all to the true purpose of this gathering. Meredith turned the laptop around so Derek could see his creation under the tree.

"Wow, that's a lot of presents!" she heard her husband say. "You kids must have been _really_ good this year, since Santa was so nice to you." Meredith rolled her eyes, and she could feel Amelia rolling hers from behind.

"I brusheded _all_ my teef for _three_ whole minutes, Daddy! Every day and night!"

"Good girl," Derek said.

"I help Bailey brushed his, too," Zola added. "Bay don't cry much no more at night, and we eated peas and green beans and carrots."

"Is that true, Meredith?"

She hated that she didn't know the answer to the question for certain, since the kids were often in night care or with a sitter, since she'd picked up so many extra shifts. It wasn't that she didn't want to be home with her children; she just hated being out in the woods without Derek, especially at night. Nights were the worst. That, and her only adult roommate behaved like a teenager. She wasn't sure how much more of Amelia she could tolerate.

"Would your daughter lie to you?" _She's not you_ , Meredith thought silently to herself, though she realized immediately she was lucky she didn't say that out loud, since she'd caught Zola red handed two—maybe three—weeks ago. She'd claimed she'd only eaten one cookie, but her bellyache implied otherwise with the solo remaining cookie in the cookie jar. Meredith later uncovered a stash of cookies and their crumbs under her daughter's pillow. Zola then accused Bailey of putting them there.

 _Like father like daughter_.

* * *

The tension through the screen was thick, and Derek didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit, but all he could do was ignore it and hope it would eventually dissipate as the children opened their presents.

Had he overdone it? Maybe just a little. He'd gone a little crazy with the online shopping this year. When shopping was as easy as the click of a button, it was hard to control himself.

"Pwesents!" Zola ran toward the Christmas tree that lit up the screen. Meredith, Amelia, and Bailey were no longer in view.

"I want to see everyone," Derek spoke earnestly, hoping Meredith would position the computer in a way that he could watch her with their children as they opened the gifts. As much as he knew Christmas was about the kids, he needed to see his wife too.

"Hold on." The camera shook as he presumed his wife adjusted the position of the computer with the intent of making his request possible. "I had everything set up perfectly, but Zola moved the computer," Meredith explained. He paid close attention to her tone. It wasn't harsh this time. In fact, just the opposite: tender.

Finally, the screen stopped moving, and the Christmas tree was in perfect sight. He could make out all four figures in his Seattle living room: Meredith, Zola, Bailey, and Amelia.

"I know you said you wanted to see everyone, but I assume I'm not part of that everyone, uh? Sorry, I'm not going anywhere—Zola and Bailey are my niece and nephew, and I wouldn't miss this for the world," Amelia chimed in.

Derek smiled, fighting a tear. He didn't say anything, but he was glad Amelia was there with Zola and Bailey. They were lucky to have an aunt who loved them like his sister did.

He knew that if all his sisters could have their way, they would be allowed to see his children and spoil them every Christmas, but none of them had made the effort to actually come to Seattle for the holidays. They expected him to bring his family to them. Amelia was the only exception.

"This one's MINE!" Zola's eagerness traveled through his speakers. She was showing Amelia the present. "See it says MY name! Look! Zola!"

Derek remembered when he taught Zola and Sofia how to write their names. Zola's name was considerably easier to spell than Sofia's, so Zola had picked up writing her name faster than her friend. Derek had been so proud of her. His heart warmed as he realized his soon-to-be four-year-old daughter could not only write her name, but she could recognize it, too. It wouldn't be long before she was recognizing words and reading. He yearned to be with her, reading with her every night like he used to be. He resented Meredith for taking that opportunity away from him by refusing to move to DC with him.

Now was not the time for playing the blame game, though. He needed to be present, in this moment, and he was thankful that he was able to watch his kids open their presents, even if it was from afar.

He watched as Meredith and Amelia encouraged Zola to distribute the presents before opening them. "Why can't I just open mine?!" Zola protested. "It gots my name on it."

"But this one has Bailey's name on it," Amelia said.

Zola took the present from Amelia and tossed it to Bailey. "Here, Bay! Open it!"

"Zola, your brother isn't going to be able to open presents as fast as you, so it's okay to go slow. We're not in any hurry. Daddy doesn't have anything planned tonight." The kids were used to Derek not having much time to talk, since he usually talked to them during his short-lived breaks from long meetings and research analyzing.

Zola crossed her arms. "I waited _all_ day for you, Daddy. You taked too long." His heart crushed.

"I know, sweetie, and I'm sorry."

Amelia smiled then, and her eyes sparkled like they do when she had an idea. "Let's play a game, Zola. When I was about your age, you know how I learned to read all my siblings' names? I used to play _Santa_ 's Elf! I was Santa's elf, and Derek was Santa. I'd read the names on the name tags, and Derek would hand the gift to who it belonged to. Why don't you be Santa's Elf, and I'll be Santa?"

"Okay!" the little girl exclaimed; Derek remembered his and Amelia's childhood tradition well. Before Amelia was old enough to read, he and Lizzie used to have the same tradition. His mom had even had a Santa and Elf costume that they wore on Christmas morning.

Zola's task was easier than Derek and Amelia's task were as children, since there were only two of them. It was easy for her to distinguish between her name and her brother's name, since if it wasn't her name on the tag, then the present belonged to her brother.

"How many presents do you have, Zola?" Meredith asked, then turned to the computer screen. "We're working on counting," she explained. He'd been working on counting with Zola before going to DC, but she insisted that there were _three_ of everything, whether there were five or one objects in front of her, she always insisted there were three.

"One…" Zola put her finger on one present. "Two…" He watched his daughter slowly count up to ten. "I don't gots no more fingers, Mommy." There were five presents remaining. Meredith took Zola's hand and counted to fifteen with her.

"FIFTEEN presents? That's a lot! How many Bailey gots?" She eyed the pile in front of Bailey.

"Let's count." Amelia glared at Derek. He didn't know why she looked unimpressed. She hadn't said a word about her present, yet. He hoped she liked it. He had been selective in his choices in an attempt to select the perfect gifts for her, Meredith, and the kids.

Amelia and Zola counted a total of _twenty_ gifts in Bailey's pile. "He gots more!" Zola pouted "He gots lots more. Why Santa love him more?" Honestly, Derek hadn't even counted the number of presents he had sent for the kids. He didn't even remember everything he'd bought. He just remembered thinking that each gift would be perfect.

"The baby always gets more presents," said Amelia. "I _always_ got more presents than your daddy." It was true.

Zola also had more complicated gifts than her brother, being older and able to appreciate more gadgets. There was one gift that he remembered specifically that he knew she would appreciate, though he feared he would regret buying it for her. He just hoped Meredith wouldn't be too angry.

"Zozo, why don't you help your brother open his presents?" Meredith insisted, shooting a fierce look toward Derek. He sensed she was thinking something along the lines of, _Why didn't you get the kids equal number of presents?_

Derek wasn't expecting what happened next: Zola snatched the present out of Bailey's hand and tore it open. Bailey screamed when he saw the image of a little boy playing with the toy in the box. Derek didn't know anything about the toy, just that it was on a top 10 Christmas gift list for toddler boys. He'd used "top-list" blogs for selecting most of the kids' presents.

Bailey crawled over to Meredith, suddenly looking disinterested in opening presents. Meredith turned toward him and, for the first time during their conversation, Derek realized how exhausted his wife looked. The video quality wasn't perfect, but he was sure those were dark circles and wrinkles under her eyes.

Meredith sat down on the floor with Bailey in her arms and took another one of Bailey's presents and placed it in his lap. "Derek, I don't think opening presents one by one is gonna work. Let's just let Zola tear in, is that okay?" Then she mumbled something that sounded like, "If we didn't have so many presents, this wouldn't be an issue."

"That's fine. I'll just sit back and watch." By that point, the living room was total chaos, and it wasn't long before wrapping paper was scattered everywhere.

"I'll get a garbage bag for the wrapping paper." His sister seemed to be reading his mind.

So he did just that. He sat on his couch in the dark - he hadn't bothered to turn on a lamp when he walked in, being in such a hurry - and watched Zola mostly destroy the wrapping paper on her gifts. Bailey received Meredith and Amelia's help as he opened his first two gifts, then became more interested in playing with the paper shredded from her gifts. Amelia and Meredith had their hands full, trying to make sure he didn't eat the wrapping paper since he kept trying to put it in his mouth.

Zola had received an assortment of dolls, tea party toys, food for her toy kitchen, and while she showed excitement for every present she opened, it was one gift, the one he knew she'd be most excited for, that made her jump out of her place on the floor.

"Oh, my fairy dust!" she exclaimed.

"What is it, Zo?" Meredith asked, her tone full of dread.

"It's an iPad, Mommy!" She bounced up and down, full of joy.

"And what can you do with an iPad, Zola?" Derek grinned, happy to see his daughter so excited, like he'd hoped she'd be.

"Call Daddy! I call Daddy and play games!"

"That's right, you can call Daddy whenever you want, without asking for help."

"I can call you ANYTIME? Even if I wake up from a bad dream?"

Derek bit his lip, knowing he was about to regret this. "Of course, sweetie."

"I won't have to wake Mommy up. I can just call you, Daddy!" Zola grinned. "This is so AWESOME!"

Meredith's face didn't show that she felt awesomeness, though. Then she disappeared from view.

"Meredith?" Derek spoke.

"She just left the room," Amelia confirmed his suspicions.

* * *

Meredith was livid. She stood outside the living room with her back against the wall, still within hearing distance of the living room commotion. She listened to Derek and Amelia's conversation.

"You're buying her," Amelia said.

"Excuse me?" she heard her husband say.

"You're buying Meredith and the kids just like you bought Addison," Amelia replied.

"No, I'm not," she heard her husband protest. "I just wanted to make up for not being there. It hasn't been an easy year. Stay out of it, Amelia."

"Whatever, this is exactly like Addison and you, Derek. Addison and I were best friends, Derek. She'd rant to me about you, you know? Then two days later she'd show up, flaunting a fancy necklace or bracelet you bought her."

"I don't buy Meredith jewelry to apologize," Derek said.

"That's because she hates jewelry. No, you buy her a 3D printer, instead," Amelia spat.

"Which she thanked me for and said she loved! Which, by the way, I haven't heard if you liked my gift? Did you?"

"No, you idiot. I hated it."

"What, why?"

"I hate Porsches."

"Since when?"

"Since, forever!"

"I just assumed … "

"Because you like them that so do I? How arrogant. News flash: Just because you like something, doesn't mean the rest of the world does! You're such an egotistical asshole."

"Amelia, can you not use that language in front of my kids?" Meredith heard her husband in a hushed, hostile tone.

Meredith peaked into the living room, spotting that Zola was too invested in her iPad to hear a word that her aunt and father were saying. She saw that Zola had already figured out how to turn it on. Kids today were too smart for their own good.

"Just … whatever. Whatever, Derek." Amelia locked eyes with Meredith, just before storming upstairs. Meredith re-entered the room and picked up her son, who was chewing on a piece of wrapping paper.

* * *

"Meredith," Derek said softly. "Is it true? You feel like I'm buying your love?"

Meredith didn't say anything.

"Because I'm not. I bought these presents because I wanted you guys to have a good Christmas. I know you're busy and didn't have much time to Christmas shop, and that you're tired of sharing your 3D printer. I wanted you to have one to yourself, so you could focus and not have to worry about sharing."

"Okay," his wife said.

"Okay?" He didn't know what " _Okay"_ meant.

Derek didn't know what anything between him and Meredith meant anymore.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: Uh oh, this is really not what you were expecting their Skype Christmas to be, right? Well, Nicole did an incredible job with this chapter, and you have to trust us to fix it. Thank you for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Nicole's A/N: Hi, readers! We're back to post the rest of the story (now that the majority is written). This story will be 18 chapters in total + an epilogue. My goal is to update every Sunday until it's complete, so that should take us to January 22, 2017. So, watch your inboxes (or Twitter) for the next several Sundays! Happy reading.**

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

* * *

" _I swear to God, Derek, if you walk out that door … "_

" _What? You'll leave me?" Derek yelled at his wife. "You get to do whatever you want, Addie. What about me?"_

" _We've had this getaway planned for months, Derek! Sam and Naomi are counting on us. It's supposed to be just the four of us, and it's our only weekend off until God knows when. You can't go to a conference on our weekend off."_

" _I'm going," Derek said, "and you're not stopping me." He grabbed his briefcase and stormed out the door._

 _He heard Addison screaming behind him, "I'm never going to forgive you for this, Derek!"_

Derek woke to Addison's voice ringing in his ears. It was another of the series of nightmares that had been tormenting him for months.

He looked around the desolate lab. Once again, he had fallen asleep after a late night of researching alone in his office. He hated going back to his empty apartment, so he found himself spending most nights alone in his lab or office. It was peaceful at the NIH at night when most of his colleagues were home with their families, and he found he could get more done when he was alone.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. The clock on the wall told him it was four in the morning. He anticipated Zola, who now regularly called when she had a nightmare in the middle of the night. He never complained. Derek was grateful to be able to comfort his daughter with so much land between them. He just wished he could hold her in his arms.

Except it wasn't Zola calling him. It was Meredith.

Meredith, who he hadn't spoken to in at least two weeks. When he asked Zola where Mommy was, she always said she was working. Meredith had told him she'd hired a nanny to care for the kids, which he hadn't been opposed to, but he did worry about the kids not seeing enough of either parent.

He answered the call without hesitation. "Meredith?" All he heard was breathing. Meredith's breathing. "Meredith?" he repeated. Still nothing more than breaths. His heart raced. What if Meredith was in trouble? "Meredith! Is everything okay? Please say something!"

* * *

"Meredith!" She woke abruptly. Derek? Her eyes fluttered as she regained consciousness and awareness of her surroundings. Goosebumps crawled up her arms. The lab was freezing cold. She'd dreamt that she was soaked head to toe, and Derek was there. Why was she wet, though, and what were she and Derek doing? She couldn't remember.

She missed Derek. She missed him so much that apparently she was imagining the sound of his voice right now. Maybe this was just another part of her dream. Her dreams were rarely coherent.

Nights were the absolute worst. She hated sleeping in a ginormous bed all by herself. When she was home, she usually let the kids sleep with her. However, it was easier to not go home at all, that way she didn't have to hear Zola talk about how much she missed Daddy. Derek being away hurt, but she couldn't let the kids see her pain. She had to stay positive for them, even if her brain wanted to soar with negativity.

"MEREDITH? Are you there?" Derek's voice was clear as day. She eyed her 3D printer. Maybe her wish had come true. Had she actually managed to print a 3D Derek? "Please say something, Meredith … I'm starting to freak out." That was when it dawned on her that Derek's voice was closer than she'd thought. It was coming from her phone, which was lying under her arm. She grabbed her phone.

"Derek?"

"Meredith!" She heard his gasp of relief. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah … fine. I think I sleep dialed you. I guess I was dreaming about you or something." She looked at the clock on the wall. It was one in the morning. "Crap, Derek I'm sorry for waking you. It's like four in the morning there."

"It's fine … I don't mind. Zola usually wakes me around this time. Are you home?"

"No … I'm in my lab," she said. "You?"

There was a pause. "I guess great minds think alike. I'm in my lab, too."

"I see," Meredith said.

"It's too bad we're in labs on opposite coasts," he admitted.

She smiled. "Yeah … I miss those late nights we used to spend in the lab together," she confessed. "So, are you making medical history?"

"I'm making progress. What about you?"

"I printed a tangible, anatomically correct 3-D model of a tumor, and it saved a woman's life." So what if it didn't function. It had given her visualization, and a woman was alive because she'd had that visualization. She knew she had to use every opportunity she could to brag to Derek about her success. She didn't want him to feel like the fancy 3D printer he'd bought her for Christmas had been a waste.

"That's amazing. I'm proud of you," Derek said.

"Really?" she asked.

"Of course I am. Now, I have to ask … what was I doing in your dream?" She heard him laugh, and her cheeks warmed.

"I don't remember," she fibbed.

"Oh, you don't remember, uh? But you know it was about me?" Derek asked. "Was I naked?" he teased. "It's okay if I was. I have plenty of naked dreams about you."

 _It was dark. Her hair was soaked. She couldn't see his face, but she felt his nipples hardening as her hands brushed over his body ..._

"You might have been," she confessed. "What about you? Were you having any exciting dreams when I called?"

* * *

He had no plans of admitting that he was dreaming about Addison to Meredith, but he had a feeling that his recurring Addison dreams stemmed from the conversation he had with Amelia at Christmas. It had made him think. Meredith wasn't Addison, but the situation he and Meredith were going through was admittedly similar to what he and Addison had gone through. Except, Addison had never lied to him about having a daughter before they met. Addison was controlling sometimes, but she had never lied to him. She hadn't even tried to hide her affair with Mark from him.

He'd never felt the heat of the emotions felt toward Meredith right now when he was married to Addison. Derek couldn't even define the emotions he had for Meredith right now. They were the feelings he'd always felt for Meredith, and those were feelings he'd never felt for any other woman.

Instead of telling Meredith the truth, he chose to tell her about the other recurring dream he'd had. "I was dreaming about you and I … having sex in a public bathroom. We've never done that, have we?"

She was silent for a moment. "No … I don't think we have," she said. "But we could give a try next time we're together. It's been ages since we've tried anything adventurous." She giggled then. God, he missed the sound of her giggle.

"Yeah, it has," he admitted. Another silence fell between them.

"Derek … "

"Yeah?"

"I was just wondering … I know it's crazy, but …" The hesitation in his wife's voice made him nervous. " … you are in DC, and I know you went to New York for Christmas. Have you considered … trying to find her?"

He knew who she was talking about immediately.

"I've seen her," he blurted, the words slipping from his mouth before he could stop himself.

"You … you've seen Amy?"

"At Christmas … it's a long story, but I saw her. She asked me not to tell you," he said.

"What the hell? I was going to suggest you try to get in contact with her, assuming it would be virtually impossible since there's like a gazillion people in New York, and probably a million of those people are named Amy Thompson! How have you _seen_ her?"

"It's a long story, like I said. I wanted to tell you, but she specifically asked me not to … "

"Never mind, Derek. I can't deal with more of your lies."

"What about your lies?" Derek said to an empty room, because the line was already dead.

Great. There went the only half-way _normal_ conversation he'd had with his wife in months.

He was wide awake now, and he decided that he might as well get an early start on work. He should take a shower and change his clothes, so when the other researchers arrived they wouldn't wonder why he looked like yesterday's leftovers. Instead, he headed down to his office and sat down in his office chair.

His computer was never shut down last night, so he just had to type in his password to load the home screen. He opened his favorite search engine and typed: _Repressed memories._

 _ **Repression is one of the most haunting concepts in psychology,**_ Derek read. The article called was _The Reality of Repressed Memories_ by Elizabeth F. Loftus. He had some knowledge on the topic, being a brain guy, but his primary focus had always been the physical aspect of brains, not the psychological aspect. He knew there were many mysteries of the brain he knew little about.

 _ **Something shocking happens, and the mind pushes it into some inaccessible corner of consciousness. Later, the memory may emerge into consciousness. …**_

 _He loved his wife._

 _Derek loved Addison, and he would never do anything to put his marriage in jeopardy._

 _Addison and Naomi had planned a big couples retreat, which was all Addison had talked about for weeks. Not once had she asked Derek's opinion on the trip; he was just expected to go and be her perfect, happy husband._

 _What Addison didn't seem to understand was, they were medical residents. They didn't have the time to be taking vacations. There would be plenty of time for vacation later, after they were done with residency and world-renowned surgeons._

 _At that time in his life, his only focus was soaking up every little piece of information that would pave him on the right path to change the world of medicine and surgery. He would set aside time for lying on the beach when he was making a six figure income. That was not now. They could barely afford rent in New York City; they needed to save every penny._

" _Derek, take a chill pill. Relax. You can't be all work and no play, that's not the man I fell in love with … "_

" _I haven't changed, Addison, so maybe you blindly fell in love with the wrong man!"_

 _He couldn't do this … he couldn't do this anymore. He needed space._

 _His mother had advised him not to get married while still in med school, but he hadn't listened. "We'll push each other to be better!" he'd insisted. "Addison's the one, Mom … she's the one who will push me to be my best version of myself. She pushes me to be a better surgeon."_

 _At the time, it was true. In college, they pulled all-night study sessions, spending hours upon hours quizzing each other on terms and definitions. Addison had changed his life. She made him want to be a better man. At first, he couldn't believe that someone like Addison Montgomery was interested in him. All he wanted to do was impress her by his intelligence. Later, as time passed, he learned that maybe it wasn't his intelligence that attracted her to him._

 _Sometimes, he wasn't sure what she saw in him at all._

 _He loved going to conferences, usually around the East Coast, because it gave him the opportunity to network with other medical professionals. He wanted to learn from the best, and he couldn't pass up an opportunity to watch Ellis Grey speak about her recent publication, The Grey Method._

* * *

 _He'd tried calling her six times on his new cell phone, but Addison hadn't picked up. Not once. A lingering feeling in Derek's gut had convinced him that his marriage was soon to be over, if it wasn't already._

" _I'll never forgive you!" she'd said._

 _Would she really divorce him because he had picked learning over vacationing?_

 _Where had he gone wrong? All he wanted was to provide a stable, exceptional life for them. He wanted them to be Drs. Shepherd and Shepherd — rockstar surgeons. He'd long-since dreamt about the wonderful world he and Addison could create together, with her focus on saving babies and his focus on saving brains._

 _They were supposed to be a power squad together._

 _His heart ached as he wandered into a bar across the street from The Brigham. The bar was surprisingly empty; most of the conference attendees were on their ways home, as he should be now. But he couldn't go home. Addison wouldn't be there; she was probably with Sam and Naomi. He had nowhere else to go._

"No," he spoke aloud. "No!" He realized he was shaking as the memory flooded him. He remembered distinctly having a fight with Addison before attending a conference in Boston. She wanted him to go on vacation with her, Sam, and Naomi, but he thought it was a bad idea, because they should be saving money, not spending it on extravagant vacations when they could barely pay rent.

Still, he had no recollection of when that fight had occurred. It had to be fairly early in their marriage. They'd married in 1994, so it couldn't have been long after.

What was he supposed to do now? Call Addison and ask if she remembered when that fight was? No, he couldn't do that. He didn't want to stir up old wounds, and Addison would immediately be suspicious.

Or, maybe, he could call Meredith … ask her to replay the story, and he could confirm if it was impossible for him to be at the same conference and bar as her mystery man.

Even if he was at the same conference, what were the odds that he was at the same bar?

 _A hand brushed against his shoulder …_

He squeezed his eyes shut. Was it possible that he was intentionally inserting himself into Meredith's mystery man's eyes, in hopes of finding another connection between him and his wife to make sense of this mess?

Only, it was creating him even more confusion.

And none of it changed the fact that Meredith had never told him about Amy, and that she still held his lies against him. She was a hypocrite.

And so was he.

They were a hypocritical match made in Heaven.

He looked at the clock. It was five o'clock.

* * *

He took a cab to his apartment to shower and change clothes. He lived only fifteen minutes from the NIH without traffic. However, he knew he would hit rush hour on the way back to the NIH, which was the reason he wished he'd left right after ending his phone call with Meredith.

On his way back to the NIH, he attempted to call Meredith again, because he hated the idea of going about his day knowing she was pissed at him. He knew he needed to explain the Amy situation, then maybe Meredith would forgive him. Or at least cut him a little slack.

Meredith didn't answer any of his calls, though.

"Look … Meredith. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Amy. Please, let me explain. Before she left Seattle, I gave her my phone number, and she reached out to me … if you just give me a call back, I'll tell you everything. I love you, Meredith."

He braced himself as he ended the voicemail, feeling the importance of his last words. She needed to know that he loved her, and he would never intentionally hurt her.

He wished he knew she felt the same.

* * *

"Shepherd! Just the man I needed to talk to!" Dr. Tipton, one of the head honchos at the NIH, boasted as Derek strolled toward his office for the second time that morning, and it was only seven in the morning. He hadn't even had a chance to stop by the coffee station. Dr. Tipton was one of Derek's bosses, so he had to stop for him.

"Hello, Dr. Tipton. What did you need to see me about?"

"You see, Dr. Lyons was scheduled to go to Columbia University this afternoon to talk at an assembly about some of our projects. He was going to give a big presentation on the BRAIN Initiative and a couple other projects. You're a good public speaker. I thought you might be able to wing it," Dr. Tipton said.

"Columbia University? As in New York Columbia?" Derek froze. _Amy's school._

"I can arrange for you to take off in one of our jets," Dr. Tipton said.

"Okay. I didn't have any plans today. What time is the presentation?"

"It's scheduled for four o'clock, so I would need you to be at the jet take-off station by two."

"I'll be there." He took a sharp breath, deciding it was worth a shot to ask one more question. "Hey, my mom lives in New York, and I'd love to spend some time with her. Would it be okay if I spent the night and came back to DC tomorrow?"

"That won't be a problem. I know how important family is … I lost my mom last year, so you should cherish every moment you have with her. Why don't you take tomorrow off and spend a long weekend in New York?"

"Really? That's generous of you."

"I owe you since you're saving face by doing this favor for me. I'm a little annoyed at Dr. Lyons for calling in at the last minute. We already had to cancel a lecture at Columbia a few months back, so the Dean isn't too happy with us. I don't want to wrestle anymore feathers there, since we get a lot of Columbia students who come here for our summer internship programs."

"It's not like you can control when you're sick. We of all people know that."

"It's not the first time he's pulled BS like this. I'm glad we have you, Dr. Shepherd. You're reliable, so thank you for being you."

He was heading to New York for four days, and he could only hope that he would find answers while there … except he had no idea what those answers would look like.

* * *

Amy was far from thrilled about the assembly this afternoon. She wouldn't be attending it if her Anatomy professor hadn't made it a course requirement.

A representative from the National Institute of Health was supposed to be sharing information about current research in Washington DC. It could be interesting, sure, but Amy would rather be hanging out with Victor. He was an Art History major, so he didn't have to attend this seminar. Instead, she'd let him into her dorm, where he would be waiting for her when she got out of the seminar.

She crossed her legs and lounged back in her seat and zoned out as one of the professors, not hers, gave the introductory speech. For their assignment, they were supposed to write down three topics they found interesting about the presentation, and they were going to discuss those topics in class tomorrow.

Whoop-dee-doo.

"I'd like to introduce to you all, Dr. Derek Shepherd, from the National Institute of Health's BRAIN Initiative."

A chill bolted down her spine.

Surely, she'd misheard. She was on full alert as she watched Dr. Derek Shepherd take the stage. She definitely had not misheard, because he was standing there … right in front of her eyes, and the entire auditorium was applauding his presence. Except her. Her hands were frozen with the rest of her body, in shock.

 _Don't see me, don't see me_ … she prayed, closing her eyes. However, when she reopened them, her eyes locked with Derek. He was looking directly at her. How the Hell had he found her in an auditorium of over one thousand students?

"Thank you for the warm welcome, Columbia University." Derek's alluring voice filled the auditorium. "It's an honor to be here, speaking to you about the projects we're working on at the National Institute of Health in Washington DC. I'm always excited to speak to young, aspiring medical professionals - my future colleagues.

My colleague, who was originally supposed to give this presentation today, has unfortunately fallen ill, so I'm here on his behalf. Now, my colleague works under a number projects, so he's more well-versed in the number of revolutionary projects the Institute is currently pursuing. I'm the Head of the BRAIN Initiative and report directly to President Obama, who has a special interest in this project. He considers it one of the government's utmost important projects in 2015.

We live in the Age of Science, in which beliefs are expected to be grounded in rock-solid evidence and empirical data. There is a puzzle about everyday life: We all feel like conscious agents acting with self-purpose and we are free to make choices of any kind. At the same time, we must realize we are machines, albeit biological machines. Einstein, for one, did not believe in free will.

The question that challenges me every day in my work, and in my personal life, for that matter." He chuckled. " … Are we free to choose as we wish? How much control do we _really_ have? Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you all about today."

He continued looking straight at her. Her heart hammered in her chest. He wasn't just looking at her. He was talking _to_ her. She'd picked up on his innuendos, and she couldn't just sit and listen to them.

Her stomach tightened, nausea seeping into her gut.

She sank deeper in her seat as Derek continued speaking, her head throbbing too hard to digest his words to follow. She observed his movements, how he remained professional throughout the whole charade, although staring at her at random moments throughout his speech. She knew she was the only person in the entire auditorium noticing where his eyes kept landing.

Derek Shepherd was an extraordinary public speaker. Amy had a feeling that people would listen to him talk about anything, even gerbil poop. He just had a way with words. She didn't. She hated public speaking. Most of the time, she hated speaking at all. That was the reason her arrangement with Victor was perfect, because it didn't require much talking.

Amy's head spun. Derek would not stop looking at her. _Stop it_ , she thought. She needed for him to stop looking at her. Amy felt like she was being personally victimized by his gaze.

She eyeballed the auditorium exit in the way back of the room. There was no way she could escape without making a scene, and then her professor might dock her points for leaving early. She could just say she wasn't feeling well, which was the truth.

So she was stuck until Derek Shepherd stopped talking.

"I like to think of the brain as a mystical object. We know a lot about it, but we don't know everything. The brain is fascinating. It's capable of amazing things. Generally speaking, we only retain 20 percent of the information thrown at us in a given moment, so when you leave this auditorium, if I've done my job right, then you'll take away 20 percent of what I've said. So, if your professors are giving you an exam on this seminar, tell them I say it's okay if you only get 20 percent."

Laughter filled the auditorium. Not only was he a great public speaker, but he was funny, too.

"The brain is also capable of destroying us," he said, his tone shifting to a more solemn note. He transitioned into a spiel about Alzheimer's disease, and how the disease ate away the mind. He compared this to other hiccups in memory, and how the BRAIN Initiative was striving to not only understand, but create cures and, if not cures, ailments. Her attention peaked.

Alzheimer's was the prime reason she had decided to seek out her birth mother in the first place. She had taken a genetic test at her doctor's office when she was sixteen to test for various genetic conditions. The test had been recommended by her doctor since her parents didn't know anything about her biological parents' medical history.

When the test revealed she had the markers for the Alzheimer's gene, she knew she had inherited it from her birth mother or father, and she wanted to seek them out, to warn them if they didn't already know.

She never got the chance before all hell broke loose. Of course, she hadn't expected her biological mother to be a surgeon, either.

Judging by the passion in Derek's voice when he spoke of Alzheimer's, she had a feeling that he already knew.

It all made sense now. Derek was working for the president and the National Institute of Health to help cure the disease that his wife was likely to develop.

Which meant Amy had inherited the genetic markers from Meredith.

All the more reason to hate her.

"My dream is that one day we'll have a medication to give individuals with the genetic markers for Alzheimer's that will prevent them from ever developing Alzheimer's. Most surgeons will agree it's unlikely that we'll ever be able to reverse memory loss. Alzheimer's isn't psychological. It's not protecting individuals from hurtful or painful memories, like repressed memories. Alzheimer's and dementia patients need more than therapy. They need the help of the world's best neuroscientists and surgeons, and that's why I'm here. I'm here to change the world. Why are you here? If it's not to make a difference in someone else's life, you might want to consider a different career path."

She could feel the intensity and passion in his final words.

His teary eyes directed toward her one final time.

"Thank you," he concluded.

The professor who'd introduced him stepped back up to the stage.

"Does anyone have questions for Dr. Shepherd?"

A string of hands went up.

She listened to him answer questions from the group. There was one from a girl whose grandfather had Alzheimer's, and she wanted to know if there were any trial treatments that she could get her grandfather into that were not mainstream. What Dr. Shepherd did amazed Amy … he went into the audience and handed the student his business card and encouraged the student to give it to her grandfather's caretaker. He said he would be happy to do a consultation with the student's family.

Amy covered her face, because tears were spilling from eyes and she didn't want others to ask what was wrong.

As soon as the question and answer wrapped up and they were dismissed, she bolted as fast as she could.

* * *

Derek didn't know how he found Amy so fast in the crowd of students, but somehow, his eyes had found her like she was magnetic, pulling his gaze toward her. When he found her, he couldn't stop looking at her.

He searched for her now that his speech was over. Derek refused to believe that this - them both being in this auditorium - was a coincidence. He didn't believe in coincidences. In his field, he had to believe there was a scientific reason for everything. His mother called it, "fate," but he called it, "science."

His eyes wandered the auditorium, but she was nowhere in sight now. Fearing she'd already disappeared for good, he escaped through the backstage exit. He ran outside, hoping that science would bring them together again.

Just when he'd about given up, his eyes fell on a back of a head in the distance. "Amy?" he called. She turned toward him. However, as soon as she spotted him, she began running quickly away from him.

"Amy, wait!" he called after her, chasing after her, but her pace quickened. He ended up following her all the way across campus, and he was feeling slightly stalkerish. He followed Amy from Davis Auditorium in the Schapiro Center all the way to the South Lawn, where the First-Year students were housed. He remembered that from his years at Columbia. While he never attended Columbia during his undergraduate, he had always had a passion for teaching and helping others; so he'd made some extra cash during college by tutoring pre-med students. He'd spent several hours in the freshman dorms helping students study for exams.

By the time he crossed College Walk, he was so far behind her, he was sure that if she looked back, she wouldn't see him. Yet, he could still see her, and he watched turn left toward Carman Hall. The majority of Columbia undergraduate freshmen were housed in either John Jay or Carman Hall.

He had to stop to catch his breath, wallowing in his aged body which was incapable of keeping up with an eighteen-year-old girl. How was he going to find Amy, now? He knew back when he was in school, all the students had their names on their doors. He liked to imagine they still did. Still, Carman Hall had thirteen floors, and he was already huffing and puffing. Even if he could sneak past security, there was no way he was going to walk through thirteen halls, hoping to find her name. Plus, the chances of there being more than one Amy were high.

His best bet was to run into someone who knew her, and could point him in the direction of her room.

As he approached Carman Hall, a boy walked up the stairs.

"Excuse me, young man, can you help me out?"

The kid stopped and turned toward him.

"Uh … okay?"

"I'm looking for Amy Thompson's room. I know she lives in this building, but I don't know her room number. Thin; she's a natural blonde, but she's dyed her hair dark. You don't happen to know her, do you? She's … uh … my niece, and I'm in town from Washington DC. I work for the government." He showed the kid his government ID. The kid's eyes widened.

"Everyone knows Amy," the guy laughed. Derek wasn't sure what _that_ meant, exactly. "She's the girl in 1111A. She's basically the campus mom, and she always has free snacks available for anyone who wants them. You have a cool niece. She's right across from the elevator on the eleventh floor." Amy and Meredith apparently had something else in common, from what Derek had gathered from this kid; they both cared for others more than themselves.

"Thanks, kid."

"You'll need a student to check you in at the security desk, though. I can do that if you want. Does Amy know you're coming?"

"Actually, it's kind of a surprise," Derek said. "I haven't seen her in a while, and I happened to get called into town on business today, so I thought I'd stop by. I'm her favorite uncle."

The lies were coming easier. Meredith was right: he was a lying liar. But so was she. The difference was, she lied by omission, and he told outright lying lies.

It was no wonder anymore why he and Meredith couldn't trust each other, and he had no idea how they would ever find a way to trust each other. They had to find a way, because one thing was for certain, he knew he couldn't lose his family.

Right now, he couldn't focus on Meredith. He needed to focus on her daughter. For some reason, he wanted to believe if he could sort out the whole Amy situation, he would be able to fix his marriage.

The kid let him into the dorm, and Derek was able to sneak by security to the elevator. He rode the elevator the the eleventh floor and found 1111A-right across from the elevator, like the kid had said.

He knocked.

When there was no answer, he pulled down on the door handle and noticed it was unlocked. He entered the hallway between the two suites. Both bedroom doors were shut, and his ears were instantly met by an, "Ohhhh … ohhh … that's the spot … ohhh …. OHHH." It was Amy. "I'm so close … so close … oh, yeah … OH!" Then he heard a guy's grunting.

What the hell?

He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Amy was a young woman. She was eighteen years old, so she was entitled to do as she pleased. Including have sex.

Moments later, Derek heard Amy gasp, "That was amazing." Then a few seconds later, he heard footsteps coming toward the door, and, before he could bolt, the door swung open, and there stood Amy. She wore nothing but a T-shirt. Behind her, a naked guy was under her covers.

Amy screamed at the top of her lungs, her cheeks bright red. "What the hell are you _doing_ here? What, you arranged a lecture at my school and somehow talked to my professor and required her to make me go? Are you stalking me? You must be if you found my room … "

"Amy, it's not how it looks," he said. "Please … just talk to me, Amy. Also, please tell me you're using protection." His fatherly tone had taken control. Whether or not Amy was his biological daughter, he was a father, and it was habitual for him to be protective of her. He dreaded Zola's teen years and the thought of having to talk about sex with her. He'd already told Meredith that those years would all be on her.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" She hit him over and over again; her fists were tiny and ineffectual like Meredith's. "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DORM!"

"Amy, what's going on?" He realized a crowd of kids had swarmed around Amy's suite; they all looked prepared to stand up for Amy too. He had to get out before they called the police. He didn't need that on his plate now on top of everything else bad in his life. His mother would not appreciate bailing him out of jail.

"I … I was just leaving," he said. "I'm sorry for bothering you, Amy." He sincerely meant it, too.

He realized now that following Amy had been a terrible idea.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: Well, it seems like Derek can't get anything right with the women in his life, uh? Do you think he'll find a way to fix this mess? Stay tuned to find that out!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Nicole's A/N: Happy last Sunday before Christmas! As promised, we have an update for you. Also, don't forget to tell Irene, "Happy birthday." Her birthday is tomorrow. :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 13**

* * *

"You did _what_ , Derek?!"

He had just told his mother everything. They were sitting, just the two of them, in his mother's dining room, drinking coffee and eating toast with grape jelly. Coffee and toast with grape jelly was his mother's favorite go-to breakfast.

He'd tried calling Meredith six more times after arriving at his mother's house, his mother already in bed when he'd arrived. Zola was the one who informed him Mommy was working.

"I know it was stupid," he admitted to his mom.

"Derek, I'm sorry, I'm having trouble understanding the why here. Why would you stalk Meredith's daughter?"

"It wasn't stalking!" he insisted.

"What do you call it, then?"

"I … I just wanted to talk to her. It's not like I intentionally scheduled the lecture at Columbia. My boss threw it on my plate at the last minute. I thought it was what _you_ call fate or something. Amy and Meredith didn't have the best introduction, and now Amy refuses to talk to Meredith … and now Meredith won't return my calls. It's messy, Ma … I just … I want to fix it."

"You thought talking to Amy would somehow fix your marriage?" his mother asked.

"I … I guess." He clasped his hands together and rested his head on his fists. "And now Amy thinks I'm a stalker, and Meredith and I will probably never hear from her again. I really messed this up, Ma."

"Yes, you did," his mother agreed. She placed her hand on his shoulder. "Derek, you're tired and miserable, I can see that."

He sighed. It was the truth. Sometimes the the truth hurt, and hearing his mother say those words definitely hurt.

"Derek," she continued. "Take a good hard look at your life and shut up and fix it."

"Ma, everytime I try to fix it, I just mess it up more. I'm not sure it can be fixed." He sniffled like a seven-year-old boy and fought tears.

"You're a grown man now, Derek, and you have two beautiful children and a wife you can't afford to lose. Figure it out. I didn't raise quitters. I won't let you quit this time. Not over my dead body." Her voice was firm and unsympathetic.

He felt his pocket buzzing. When he looked at the screen, he was surprised by the face he saw. "It's Meredith," he whispered.

"Fix it." His mother's tone softened, and she squeezed his hand gently.

He walked into the living room. "Meredith?"

* * *

The sound of her husband's voice made her stomach turn. She _hated_ how a voice that had once soothed and comforted her now made her feel sick to her stomach. How had they let it get to this point? Could they be fixed or had they passed the point of no return?

She felt like crap, and not just because of Derek. It had been a rough day, even without Derek blowing up her phone when she was in the OR. She'd listened to his voicemails pleading for her to call him, issuing his apologies, insisting he could explain why he had had contact with her long-lost daughter who clearly wanted nothing to do with Meredith.

"Mere?" she heard Derek say again, and she sniffled. She'd been crying alone a supply closet. She had her head pressed against the wall. Meredith had never felt more alone in her entire life, even when she was actually alone; before the kids, before Derek, before Alex and Cristina.

"Derek," she said hoarsely.

"Mere, are you crying?" he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"No," she quickly lied.

"Then why does it sound like you are? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing … I just … I just lost a patient, that's all," she said.

"I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"You're probably busy. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm sorry," she said and squeezed her eyes shut. She felt like a complete fool.

"Actually, I'm at my mom's house."

"You're in New York? Why?" she asked. He had time to go to New York, but he didn't have time to come visit them in Seattle. Granted, New York was a much closer and easier commute, but still.

"Work … I had to give a presentation in New York, so I'm spending some time with my mom. She hasn't seen me much since I moved to Seattle, you know," he said.

"Oh," she said, her cheeks burning up. Of course, she was the evil devil who'd kept Derek away from his family on the East Coast. She didn't need another reminder of that. Before she could respond with a sly comment, Derek said:

"Meredith, if you need to talk, I'd be happy to listen."

Her heart swelled. "I don't want to talk about it … it was a tough case, Alex and I were in the OR for eighteen hours, we thought we'd saved the kid … we were about to close up, then the kid arrested on the table, and we couldn't resuscitate him. There's nothing else to tell. It sucks. Eighteen hours wasted."

"Mere, I'm so sorry … we've all been there."

"You know, there's not a minute that goes by that I don't think about her, Derek," she whispered suddenly. "I've never stopped thinking about her, and I've longed to see her … know that she's okay, but I knew I couldn't seek her out. I was so embarrassed that I'd given her away in the first place, and I couldn't tell anyone … God, Derek, we _adopted_ a child together. How would you have reacted if I'd told you I'd given one away?"

"I would have helped you find her sooner," he replied too easily.

"I didn't _want_ to find her, Derek! I knew that if I found her, something like this would happen. I just … I couldn't go down that path again; it was the most difficult time in my life. I just wanted her to have a better life than I'd had. I wanted her to have parents who loved her more than I could," Meredith said. It was the first time she'd talked about Amy to Derek or anyone, for that matter, since Amy had left Seattle.

"Meredith, I see the way you look at Bailey and Zola. No one can love a child better than you," he said.

"I'm not there for them. They're with babysitters and nannies and in daycare, just like I was. I didn't want this life for them; that's why I was so happy when you volunteered to step back and spend time with them. They need their parents, Derek. I needed my parents. They're going to end up resenting us like I resented my parents."

"We are not Ellis and Thatcher," Derek argued.

"Are you sure about that?" Meredith tossed back. "My dad left when I was five. Zola is almost four. The only difference between me and Zola is she has Bailey."

"Meredith, just stop … you're not your mother, and I'm not your father. Our situation is completely different."

Silence.

Then she asked the question that had been bothering her since their conversation in the middle of the night the evening before:

"Why did Amy call you?"

She heard him breathing loudly through the phone.

"Her adopted dad died," Derek said. "I … before she left Seattle, I told her about my dad … "

"Oh, my God," Meredith gasped, also surprised Derek had told Amy about his dad. He never talked about his father. It had taken a serial killer patient for Derek to tell Meredith how he had died.

"And apparently I was the only one she knew who'd lost a dad. She … she was going to come to Seattle because her mom wasn't dealing with it well, but her flight got cancelled because of the snowstorm … the same one that prevented me from making it to Seattle. So she called me."

Silence again. She didn't know how to respond, but she found herself cursing Mother Nature. If that damn snow storm hadn't happened, then Amy would have likely made it to Seattle. And so would have Derek.

But neither had.

"Did you at least tell her how sorry I am?"

"We didn't talk about you much," Derek confessed.

"Oh."

"Meredith, I … I want to make this right. I do. I just … I'm not sure I can. It seems like whenever I try to make things right, I just mess everything up more, and I don't know if it's worth trying anymore. Tell me what you want me to do."

"Do you have her address?" Meredith asked.

"What? Why?"

She'd written several letters to Amy over the last eighteen plus years, in the event that they were reunited one day. Meredith had envisioned their reunion completely different, if it were to exist. She hadn't planned on Amy just showing up … Amy had no way of knowing who she was or where she lived, so that wasn't in the realm of Meredith's possibilities. Meredith had assumed if she were to find her daughter one day, she would be the one to have to seek her out. She could have hired a private investigator, or posted a sob story on Facebook and hoped that someone would know something. Meredith was unprepared when Amy arrived last spring.

"I … I want to send her a letter," she told Derek, omitting the fact that there were several letters - probably one for every day of an entire year - that she wanted to send her daughter.

"Meredith, I'm not sure if that's the best idea … "

"She doesn't have to open it. It's less invasive than an email or a phone call or a Facebook friend request. Please, Derek, if you have her address … "

"Okay … yes … I know where she lives. She lives at Carman Hall on Columbia University's campus. Room 1111A … I don't know the exact address, but with that information you should be able to find it."

"Thank you, Derek," she murmured.

* * *

The call between him and Meredith ended on a good note, and he was grateful it had. It was the first time in a long while they hadn't argued or ended a call abruptly because one had upset the other.

However, he had omitted several truths. One, he had not told Meredith about speaking at Columbia University. Two, he had not told Meredith that he had seen Amy yesterday. Meaning, he had not told his wife about the embarrassing and startling encounter which would likely result in Amy never wanting to have any contact with either of them ever again.

If Meredith knew the truth, he wasn't sure he would ever be able to fix his marriage.

However, Meredith was right - a letter was less invasive than any other form of communication he or Meredith could ever attempt, and it was best for it to come from her. Amy was a bright girl; she would figure out Derek had given it to Meredith, which would mean he had betrayed her by telling his wife of their interaction.

Amy was guaranteed to hate him forever.

He spent the entire day with his mother hanging out in Central Park; it was the first time they'd had mother-son time without anyone else tagging along in a long while. In truth, he couldn't remember the last time they'd hung out, just the two of them. He came from a large family, so usually one of his siblings was always around. After he and his siblings grew up, they usually had at least one of his nieces or nephews in tow. All his nieces and nephews on the East Coast were school-aged now, so his mother's babysitting schedule was much lighter.

"It's a shame," his mother said as they walked toward her house that evening. It was winter; however, it was a warmer evening for New York, so his mother had suggested they take a short walk around the block. It was only five o'clock, but the sun had almost set entirely. "My only grandbabies … the ones who aren't in school, yet … are all the way on the West Coast. I miss having little ones around."

"I know … I'm really sorry about that, Ma. I've wanted to move back here for a while now, honestly, but Meredith was born on the West Coast … she has friends there, and it's her home. I can't make her move if she doesn't want to."

"I understand that, son," Carolyn replied. "It's just a shame … you know, I used to look forward to you becoming a dad. I always knew you'd be a great one. I don't think I was wrong, either. I heard you talking to Zola last night during my four in the morning. bathroom run."

He smirked.

"You were always so good with Amelia after your dad died," Carolyn added. "That's how I knew you'd be a great dad when you grew up."

"And now Amelia hates my guts," Derek chuckled.

"Oh, I doubt that," Carolyn said. "If it's anyone's guts she hates, it's mine, and rightfully so. Amelia was always more difficult for me to connect with than her sisters. I never understood her, but you did."

"She's become more difficult as she's aged. I don't think Meredith likes her much, to be honest. It's funny, though, because they're so much alike. In a lot of ways, I think I've married my sister," Derek laughed. His mother laughed, too. "It's strange. I never imagined my life like this when I was a boy."

"We never do." His mother had guided him into the kitchen and had started the coffee brewer. "I sleep better if I have a cup of coffee before bed."

"No wonder why you have to have bathroom breaks in the middle of the night."

"Nah, that's a consequence of birthing five babies. I'll have to get up either way."

He laughed. "If I have a cup of coffee now, I'll be up all night."

"Good, then you'll be available for Zola when she calls you at four in the morning," his mother said.

"True." He nodded.

They sat at the table and sipped their cups of coffee. "So, Derek. What else is troubling you?"

"What do you mean?" He looked at his mother, startled by the knowing look in her eyes. His sister, Kathleen, might be the one with the license to shrink, but his mother had always had a passion for listening to people's problems, especially her children's.

"Something tells me that you're not just stalking Amy because you think she can fix you and Meredith. There's more to that, isn't there?"

"Mom, I'm not stalking her!"

"Okay, okay, but tell me … is there something you're not telling me?"

"I … why?"

"I saw the way you looked at her at Christmas, and God, the girl could pass for Claire's twin." Claire - Nancy's daughter, who Derek only now realized hadn't been at the Shepherd Christmas extravaganza. She should be about twenty-one or twenty-two now. The last time he had seen Claire she was just a preteen, so he couldn't confirm or deny his mother's statement.

"Mom … if you're thinking what I think you're thinking."

"It's crazy, because I've done the math. You married Addison in 1994, and oh boy, was I displeased about that, but … I can't deny the similarities. Even her name … Amy? And I heard Caden call her, _Amy Elizabeth_. Now that's quite the coincidence. Just, tell me it's not possible, is it?"

He sighed. "Addison and I didn't have the easiest marriage from the start," he admitted, watching his mother's eyes brighten. He sensed his mother was _delighted_ to hear that she'd been right about Addison all along. It was no secret that his mother loathed Addison with every inch of her being. "She wanted to spend a lot of money on extravagant things, and I wanted to save it for when we had more stability in our lives. We argued … a lot, and truth be told, I was surprised when we made it to the one-year mark."

"So you had a one night stand with Meredith, then reconnected with her years later?"

"I … I don't know."

"How do you not know something like that?"

His muscles tightened; he'd never felt more uncomfortable in his life. He knew his mother could be direct and sometimes too persistent in her line of questioning, and now was no exception. All of her daughters had inherited this trait from her. It was no wonder Kathleen had become a shrink.

"I just … I remember bits and pieces of things, but I'm not sure what's really a memory and what's not … if it's true, I've blocked it out. You know, repressed the memories because I'm not a cheater, Mom. I'm not the guy who cheats on his wife. I would never have cheated on Addison before she cheated on me and broke my heart. That's not the kind of guy I am."

"I know you're not, but we all make mistakes. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Maybe therapy can help. Or hypnosis. Hypnosis can trigger lost memories, can't it? You should call your sister. I'm sure Kathleen would love to help you."

Derek laughed. The last thing he needed was to have Kathleen shrink him, as much as he was sure she would _love_ that. He couldn't give her that pleasure. He loved Kathleen dearly, but there was a reason family didn't treat family. Even in the psych field.

"Mom … no."

"Or you can ask the girl for a DNA sample!"

He looked quickly at the clock. Eight o'clock. "Isn't it past your bedtime?"

"I only go to bed at eight o'clock when no one's home," his mother said.

"Mom, you're not really helping. Do you really want to believe that your son is the type of man who would cheat on his wife?"

His mother shrugged. "Well, you did."

"Only _after_ she cheated on me."

"Well, I never liked Addison in the first place." His mother shrugged.

"So you don't care if I cheated on her before I caught her and Mark together?!"

"I would have cheated on her."

He couldn't believe the words his mother was saying, now. He couldn't help but wonder what was in her coffee. Surely it had to be spiked.

His mother yawned. "Maybe I am getting tired. I think I'm going to hit the sack. Goodnight, Derek. I love you, no matter what. Don't ever forget that." She kissed his forehead for the first time in years.

"Love you, too, Ma," he said.

After his mom left, he tiptoed his way to his old childhood room and decided he might as well catch himself up on his mountains of emails while waiting for Zola's likely FaceTime call.

* * *

He was sucked into reading and replying to a dozen or so emails when the ringing of a phone startled him back to reality at eleven. It wasn't _his_ phone, though. It was his mother's landline.

Who could possibly be calling his mother at this hour? His first thought was there must be an emergency, because anyone who called his mother knew she was in bed at this hour. He never called her between the hours of five in the evening and two in the morning when he was in Seattle-eight in the evening to five in the morning Eastern time. His mother had always been a firm believer in, "Early to bed, early to rise." The only exceptions were the holidays, which always messed up her schedule, or when she had grandchildren sleeping over.

He abruptly answered the phone before the end of the first ring. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Shepherd? I'msorryforcallingsolate." He recognized the slurred voice at once. _Amy_. And she was drunk. "Canyoucomegetme? I'mscared. Boyssuck … andI'vegotnomoneyforacab … "

"Amy, where are you?" he asked, hoping Amy was too drunk to recognize his voice and that he wasn't his mother.

"I … Iwentforawalk. I don't … know … oh, there's Cosco . . . and some other bars with pretty lights … I was at a bar with pretty lights … tropicalthingies. I had fruity drinks! A nice man bought them for me, but he left me … all by myself. Alllll by myselfffff. Don't wanna be allll by myself anymoreee." Derek was pretty sure she was singing a Celine Dion song.

The bar she was at had to be Tropix. It was in Rego Park, Queens, which was about twenty minutes from his mom's house. What the hell was Amy doing in Queens at a bar with a dress code? Derek only knew about the bar because Nancy liked to go there on date nights. Nancy lived in Queens.

"Amy, are you in Queens?"

"I think so," she replied. "Sounds about right."

"Go inside Tropix. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Don't go anywhere!" he instructed sternly.

"Okayyyyy …"

He grabbed his jacket and billfold, hoping not to wake his mother as he tiptoed out of his room. Unfortunately, she poked her head out of her room on his way down the stairs. "Who was on the phone?" she asked.

"Amy," he said honestly. "She's drunk, and I think she just needs a ride home. I'm going to get her. Go back to bed, Ma."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? She's expecting me," his mother responded.

"Mom, go back to bed," he repeated. He could see his mother's worrisome expression from the front door.

"You can take my car, though I figure you were going to do that anyway. You know where the keys are," his mother called.

* * *

Driving through the streets of Queens had an eery feeling. He was reminded of his high school and college days, when Mark would force him to go to bars to pick up women. Mark had a stack of fake IDs that Derek wasn't proud to admit they used. Usually, Mark would have gone home with a girl by this time, and Derek would be left at the bar alone. He would have to call a cab to take him home or take the train. Derek had never been so drunk he was incapable of finding his way home safely.

He didn't know what condition he was about to find Amy in, but he had a feeling it wasn't going to be a pretty sight. She was only eighteen, and she probably had a fake ID, too. He just hoped Amy wouldn't make all the same decisions Meredith had made at her age. Judging by what he'd witnessed in her dorm, he was afraid she already was. Meredith hadn't had someone like his mother to call when she was Amy's age, though.

Despite all that had happened, he was happy that Amy still trusted his mother.

Maybe it was fate or something, after all.

The bar was starting to clear out. The road was still full of cars on both sides of the road, so he couldn't find a parking spot. Instead, he parked his car in the middle of the road, which he hadn't done in years. He didn't have to look far to find her, thankfully-she was lying in the middle of the sidewalk. Fortunately, her eyes were open, so his fear of her being unconscious quickly faded. Her eyes were glassy, but she was definitely conscious. "Whatareyoudoinghere?" she asked immediately upon seeing him.

"My mom's in bed. I guess you didn't realize it was me on the phone?"

"Ithoughtyourmomhadacold."

"Let's get you back to your dorm," Derek said, extending his arm and taking her hand. He lifted her off the ground and she fell into his arms. He decided it would be easier to carry her to the van.

"Take me for a ride, Derek," Amy said, fluttering her eyelashes, suddenly distinctly reminding him of her biological mother. His cheeks warmed, recalling a specific night a drunk Meredith had said those same words to him; it was the night Miranda Bailey had caught them in the back of his car, at Meredith's house.

He put Amy in the backseat, hoping she wouldn't throw up in his mom's van. Hopefully he would get her back to her dorm before she threw up. He'd known Meredith for a long time, and he'd never seen her _this_ drunk, despite her love for tequila. Meredith had built up a tolerance for alcohol that Amy obviously hadn't, yet.

"What were you doing all the way in Queens?" he asked. Queens was far from a typical Columbia students' hangout place.

"Lookingfornewboytoy," she said. "Columbia boys suck."

"What happened to the guy I saw you with yesterday?" he asked.

"He's a jerk. Don't like him anymore," she said. "Do we have to go back to my dorm? Can't go back there with you."

"Why not?"

"'Cause Victor told everyone you're my sugar daddy, and everyone's making fun of me," Amy said. "Seriously, you'd better make this up to me. Youruinedmycollegecareer."

"So Victor and you aren't a thing anymore?"

"We were neverathing. HejustmyFWB … Friend With Benefits. Now he's my enemy withnobenefits. He'sanass like all boys my age. That's why I needtofind a _man_ , not a boy."

"I'm sorry, Amy. I never should have done that … I never should have followed you. I just wanted to talk to you, that's all. I didn't plan on speaking at Columbia; I was filling in for my co-worker, and I saw you in the audience. I'm sorry if you felt like I was stalking you, because I wasn't."

"Mmm … it's 'kay, I guess," Amy said. He looked back at her through the rearview mirror. She was sprawled out between the two seats when they pulled into the Columbia parking garage. He could have taken her to his mother's, but after the conversation he'd had with his mother last night, he thought it might be awkward if Amy was there when his mother woke up in the morning. Besides, he needed to have a conversation with her roommates and clear up any confusion. The last thing he wanted was to be the reason Amy's college days were brutal hell. He knew that college kids could be mean. They could be just as bad, if not worse than, as high school kids.

"C'mon," he said, helping her out of the car, and she leaned against him.

"Mmm … it'd be kinda cool to have an older lover … a sugar daddy." She giggled and looked up at him. "I'm a younger, hotter version of her, aren't I?" she whispered seductively, leaning closer to him, puckering her lips.

It took him a moment to realize what was happening, but once he did, he pushed her away as fast as he could. "Amy!" he gasped. "You can't do that."

"Why not? I look just like her, don't I? I'm reminding you of her, aren't I? Maybe when you first got together … "

"Amy, stop," he ordered.

"Why?" She crossed her arms and stuck out her lip.

 _Because I might be your biological father,_ he thought, biting his lip. He couldn't tell her that now. Not when she was in this condition.

"Amy, please, we need to get you inside … you're not in your right mind right now," he said, looking around for any college eyes. Fortunately, he didn't see any, but there were windows and God knows who was looking out them. The last thing he wanted was for someone to get the wrong idea and start more rumors about Amy. "You need to swipe your ID card to get in the building."

She stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out a card, then handed it to him. It wasn't her college ID, though. It was her fake ID that stated her name was Meredith, aged twenty-two years old. Derek's eye froze on the name, but he didn't dare comment on it.

"Amy, this isn't the right ID," he said instead.

"Oh … hold on." She snatched the ID from him and stuck it back in her pocket, then fiddled in her other pocket. "This is." She tossed it at him. Sure enough, it was.

He scanned the card on the door, and the door unlocked, allowing them both inside. Amy threw herself against him again.

"Amy, you have to walk," he instructed, pushing her an arm's length away from him.

"Idon'twanna," she pouted, trying to lean toward him again.

"Amy, please. Walk. You can walk. I'll be right behind you," he said, genuinely concerned she might fall, but partially wondering if she was faking being this drunk just for his attention. He hadn't been there, so he had no idea how much she'd actually drank, or what her alcohol tolerance was. She was difficult to read, so much like her biological mother.

They snuck past the security desk without any questions asked; it looked like the night security guard was zonked out. He rode the elevator with Amy, his back pressed against one side of the wall and Amy's pressed against the other. She kept looking at him, and the more she looked at him, the more he missed Meredith. On that elevator ride, he thought back to many elevator rides he and Meredith had shared together. He'd give anything to exchange Amy for Meredith right now, to be honest.

He must have zoned out, because he didn't notice when the elevator opened, but neither had Amy. Their gazes were stuck on each other, and the door had started to close by the time Derek realized they were on the eleventh floor. Quickly, he reacted by sticking his arm between the door, reversing the door's closing motion, and the door reopened for him and Amy to walk out.

Derek walked behind Amy into her dorm room, which was actually empty-her roommates were likely still out partying, since it was Friday night.

Amy plopped onto her bed, stretching her arms behind her head.

He sat on the edge of her bed, like he did Zola's. "You know, you are a lot like your mother, my wife … Meredith."

"What, she has infatuations for older, married men, too?" Amy giggled, blushing.

"Something like that … except the man had infatuations for her, too … " It was his turn to blush.

Amy closed her eyes, and he thought she was asleep. He got up to leave.

"Please don't go," he heard her whimper.

So, he didn't.

* * *

Amy's roommates thankfully, never came home, and Zola never called at four in the morning. Instead, she called at six, three o'clock in Seattle. He awoke, startled, sitting in the desk chair in Amy's dorm room.

He looked at his iPhone and saw the incoming FaceTime request from Zola. He swallowed and stepped into the hallway. "Hi, sweetie. Did you have a nightmare?" he asked.

"Uh-huh." Zola's scared voice came through the speakers. She'd been having a lot of nightmares lately, which he'd been meaning to talk to Meredith about. He'd worried that would jumpstart yet another fight, since she would probably blame his absence for their daughter's increased anxiety. Their daughter already had abandonment issues, likely from being shuffled around so much during her first year of life. Derek's absence probably wasn't helping.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Derek said. "It's okay, Daddy's here. Is Mommy working tonight?"

"No, but she sleeping," Zola answered.

"I'm sure Mommy wouldn't mind if you jumped in bed with her," Derek said.

"I don't wanna. I a big girl. Daddy, I dreamed you never comed back."

"Oh, sweetie." His heart broke. "Well, I can promise you that's not going to happen."

"When you comin' back, Daddy?! You misseded my birfday! I'm four now, not three! And Bails's birfday is coming soon … you gotsa come home, Daddy."

She'd reminded him every time they talked since her birthday that she was now four years old, not three.

It was a fact he wasn't proud of-missing his daughter's birthday, but he'd had a meeting that he couldn't get out of on the day, and there was nothing he could do about it. So, instead, as Amelia insisted, he'd bought her an apologetic Princess shaped cake from one of the most prominent bakeries in Seattle. Amelia had sent him pictures; it actually looked like a princess. In addition to the cake, he'd mailed her some toys she'd told him she wanted.

"I'll be home soon, sweetheart."

"When? Tomowwow?" He nearly choked on the lump in his throat.

"Not tomorrow, but soon, sweetie. Or maybe Mommy can bring you here if you ask her nicely," he suggested. He and Meredith had ended on a good note; it was a possibility Meredith could bring the kids to the East Coast for a weekend. They could go to New York and see his mother-she'd love that-and maybe he could talk Amy into seeing Meredith … maybe they could sort this ordeal out once and for all.

"I want you come here, Daddy," Zola sighed. "You gotsa come here, 'cause your side of bed is empty … Momma said so. She saids she gonna print ya, so you can sleep 'side her when yous 'way!"

"Did she say that?" Derek smiled, knowing there's no way that his four-year-old daughter made something like that up, so Meredith must have said that.

"Yes!" Zola giggled.

"Derek?" He heard Amy's voice suddenly.

"Zozo, you have to go back to bed. Daddy has to go," he said quickly, hoping Zola hadn't heard Amy in the background.

"You gotsa sing me back asleep, Daddy!" Zola insisted.

"Zola, Daddy doesn't have time right now. He's really, really sorry. Why don't you go curl up in bed with Momma and keep her warm?" Derek suggested, hoping Zola wouldn't press for more.

"Okay," he heard her sigh loudly, and the call ended immediately.

"Derek?" he heard Amy's voice again, and he turned around and saw Amy standing, still dressed in last night's clothing.

"Oh, you're still here … I thought I heard a child's voice," she said, pushing her bed hair behind her ear.

"Zola," he said. "I was talking to Zola."

"Isn't it like three in the morning in Seattle?"

"She had a nightmare," he explained.

"Oh … " Amy said. Silence fell over them as they stared at each other awkwardly for the moments that followed. "God, Derek … I'm _so_ sorry for how I behaved last night. I was _not_ in my right mind, at all. But you were so good to me … I'm lucky you're one of the good ones. There are very few men in this world who wouldn't have taken advantage of me, even married ones. I'm lucky it's you who brought me back here and not another guy. Meredith's lucky to be married to one of the only faithful guys on the planet."

He felt a pang of guilt, recognizing this was his opening.

"Amy, I … have a confession," he said, and Amy's attention piqued, her gaze fixated on him. "I … I'm not the faithful guy you think I am."

"Come again?"

"I … I cheated on my wife."

"You cheated on Meredith?!" The disturbed expression on her face made his insides churn, a high sense of humiliation building within him.

"No, I cheated _with_ Meredith," he clarified, his cheeks hot.

"Wait, what?" Amy's disturbed look shifted to confusion.

"I was married before Meredith to a woman named Addison." He swallowed thickly. "Addison and I … didn't have the best marriage. We were always fighting, and we never seemed to see eye to eye on anything. I mean, sure there were good moments, I suppose, or I wouldn't have married her … I was a different person when I was married to Addison."

"Were you, because I gather things aren't sunshine and daisies with you and Meredith right now? Why are you telling me this, anyway? You're not considering cheating on Meredith, are you? You know what they say, once a cheater, always a cheater. If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." Amy rolled her eyes, groaning with disgust, and he observed the girl's opinion of him changing rapidly.

She couldn't even look at him. He hesitated, struggling to find the right words to tell her.

"I will never cheat on Meredith," he said, meaning it with all his heart. The bug-eyed look on Amy's face told him she was confused. "She and Addison are two very different people."

Amy's eyes widened. "I think I heard Addison's name come up at Christmastime."

"Probably, most of my family wasn't terribly fond of her … well, a couple of my sisters liked her, but my mom despised her … Addison and I were married for a long time. We married young. We were still in medical school." He swallowed thickly, sensing Amy waiting for him to jump to the point. "Addison cheated on me with my best friend, I fled to Seattle and met Meredith, and the rest is history."

"So Addison cheated on you with your best friend, and you cheated on her with Meredith?"

"You could say that, yes," Derek admitted.

"I still don't understand why you're telling me this," Amy said. "Are you trying to tell me it's acceptable to cheat on your significant other if they cheat on you first?"

"No," Derek said. "I … okay, Addison and I didn't always have the best marriage. We fought a lot, even in the beginning. We were young and stupid when we got married, and we had different priorities in life … I wanted to save for the future, she wanted to live in the moment. I spent a lot of time going to conferences and other seminars that could further my knowledge and would better my chances at rising to the top of my field, and Addison didn't like that one bit."

"So basically you were never home, kind of like right now?" Amy asked.

His cheeks warmed, recalling Amelia's comparison to his current situation and his failed marriage with Addison. "It's different, but similar," he confessed. "It's … I don't know how to tell you this, Amy … "

"Let me guess," Amy said. "You and Addison had a big fight one time before one those conferences, let's say circa 1995, and you went to this conference and then you went across the street to the bar and got really, really drunk … In the meantime, you met a woman and had a drunken one night stand that you've repressed from your memory until now, and now you think there's a slight possibility that woman might be Meredith?"

His cheeks warmed. She was smart, just like her mother. Too smart.

"I … " Derek inhaled a sharp breath. "Amy, I've been having these flashback memories … memories of a guy who's nothing like me, well the me I know now. I was a different person nineteen years ago, and it's … it's possible. I know, it sounds crazy."

"Damn right, it sounds crazy! Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? I mean, what are the odds that … that … " Amy's face whitened, never finishing her sentence as if she were afraid to say the words.

"That I'm your biological father?" Derek finished.

Amy froze and so did he. It was the first time he'd spoken the words aloud, despite having thought them many times. He and Amy stared at each other in an awkward silence; Amy was the one to break their eye lock.

She looked out her dorm window.

"Amy … "

"I think you should go," she whispered.

"Amy, I … there's only one way to know for sure," Derek said. "We could … we could take a DNA test."

"Please, go," Amy said, crossing her arms.

He nodded. "You know how to get ahold of me if you change your mind," he said. "I know it's a lot to consider." Amy sighed loudly. "I'm leaving now," he assured her.

And he left.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: All the cards are out in the open now, uh? What do you think, could Derek be the biological father or he's just making everything up to make himself fit into a story that's not his own?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Nicole's A/N: Merry Christmas! I hope you're all having a wonderful Christmas weekend. :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 14**

* * *

Derek was worried sick. Meredith was supposed to arrive in DC yesterday, and she had never made it.

Frantically, he'd called her cell phone numerous times, but it went straight to voicemail. Then he called the house phone, and lo and behold, Maggie was the one who answered, the half-sister who Meredith supposedly hated. Maggie said she was babysitting their children because Meredith had come to visit him with a suitcase full of lingerie.

Where was his wife? And why did she have a suitcase of lingerie when she wasn't with him?

He was on the verge of filing a missing person report.

The weeks following his encounters with Amy in New York had been horrific. His conversations with Meredith remained a never-ending rollercoaster. Just when he thought they were doing okay, something would happen and he would start to fear they weren't going to make it. He and Meredith had scheduled numerous trips to visit each other, but something always came up at the last minute, causing one to cancel on the other.

He had begun wondering if Meredith was intentionally avoiding him, but she might be wondering the same about him. Truly, he wasn't. He desperately wanted to make it back to Seattle, but every time he scheduled a trip to Seattle, he'd get called into an unexpected "required" meeting, or the weather would fail him.

Derek felt like the Universe was doing everything in its power to keep him away from his wife and kids. His worst fear was that Meredith had packed that suitcase of lingerie for a man who wasn't him.

Amy had not contacted him since he left her dorm room, and he hadn't expected her to reach out to him. She had been adamant about him leaving, and he wouldn't be surprised if he never heard from her again. That didn't stop her from entering his thoughts on a daily basis.

After all, it wasn't the first time he'd thought Amy had left his and Meredith's lives forever.

He still hadn't told Meredith about what had happened or his hypothesis about Amy's biological father, and he refrained from bringing her up. Fortunately, Meredith hadn't brought Amy up, either.

The more he had time to think about it, the more bizarre the idea seemed. Was he really Amy's biological father? Or was he just trying to write himself into a story that wasn't really his?

It sounded insane; he was well-aware of how insane it sounded. The likelihood of him and Meredith crossing paths twice-in two separate bars on opposite ends of the country-seemed like the makings of one large coincidence, and Derek didn't believe in coincidences.

He, however, believed in fate.

* * *

Amy held a letter, identical to the first two she'd received, in her shaking hand. She didn't need to open the letter to know who had sent it; the handwriting gave it away.

The letters that made up her name _Amy Elizabeth Thompson_ matched the ones the writing on the post-it she'd held onto for so many years. She'd tirelessly studied the letters on the post-it note, soaking in and memorizing every stride that had written her name. She used to picture what the woman who had written them looked like. Now, she didn't have to imagine.

She tucked the third unopened envelope with the other two, also unopened, in a shoebox under her bed, where she knew they would be safe.

Amy didn't need to question how Meredith Grey had obtained her college address; obviously Derek had given it to her. That, or she was as creepy of a stalker as her hubby. Meredith didn't seem like the stalker-type, though. She seemed more reserved, the type of person who just let things "be", just like she'd let her _be_ for eighteen years. Meredith had made it clear that she didn't give a rat's ass about Amy.

Derek, on the other hand … Amy didn't know what to make of him. Then again, she had been the one to reach out to him in the first place. She'd been desperate and stupid.

Yet, she didn't regret it.

Derek had gone out of his way to make sure she and her brother, Caden, were all right, and had even included them in his family's Christmas. He didn't have to do that, and he especially had no obligation to Caden, who wasn't related to his family in any way, shape, or form.

Tears came to her eyes as confusion swept over her.

The truth was, Derek had acted like more of a father to her than her own father ever had. She tried to convince herself that her father was a good guy who loved her, but it had always been apparent since her brother's birth that he was the apple of his world. Amy didn't know if it was because he was a boy, or because he was his biological son. Her father had always gone out of his way to be present for Caden, but Amy always seemed to get the short-end of the stick.

Of course, Amy couldn't hate her dad now that he was dead, and she missed him so, so much.

She didn't know if it was the loss of her father that pulled her to Derek, or if it was something else entirely.

Whatever it was, she felt connected to Derek. She had to know if he was her biological father, even if it sounded silly. She couldn't let the tiniest possibility slip away.

* * *

Meredith lay sprawled out on her hotel bed, ravishing in the silence, thinking. The silence allowed her thoughts to wander to places she tried to avoid entering among friends and her children.

She wasn't surprised by the fact that Amy hadn't replied to any of her letters. She wouldn't have, either. Heck, she wouldn't have even opened them. She might have thrown them straight in the trash.

She hoped Amy hadn't thrown them in the trash.

This life they were living … it was so messed up and so unfair.

Derek was gone, and she wasn't sure she would ever get him back.

Sometimes, it was impossible for Meredith to look at her children, understanding exactly how they felt. She knew what it was like to wonder if she would ever see her father again, and she also knew what it was like to beg her mother to see him every chance she got.

She had to keep reminding herself that she was not her mother and that Derek was not her father, but with each passing day, it became more difficult.

Meredith wondered if Ellis and Thatcher had communicated at all after Ellis fled with Meredith across the country. Had Thatcher ever tried? She'd asked him once, and he hadn't given her much of a response.

She knew her mother had been a force to reckon with, but still Meredith had resented her father her entire life for not trying harder. He could have tried harder, if he'd really wanted. Couldn't he have?

Thatcher could have tried harder for her, just like she could have tried harder for Amy.

She knew exactly how Amy felt, coming here, seeing her with Zola and Bailey, because it was the same way Meredith had felt when she'd seen Thatcher in the hospital with Molly, welcoming his granddaughter Laura into the world. It was the same way she'd felt when she'd met Lexie.

Thatcher had abandoned Meredith and started a new family, and Meredith had inadvertently done the same to Amy.

She'd wanted Amy to have a better life; she'd thought she was doing what was best for her.

Had Thatcher thought he was doing what was best for Meredith by allowing her to be raised by Ellis instead of him? Or was he just too much of a chicken to confront Ellis?

Just like Meredith had been all those years ago when she found herself pregnant with Amy.

She could have kept Amy if she'd just tried harder, if she hadn't been so scared of her mother and losing her trust fund, just like Thatcher could have kept in contact with her for all those years.

Meredith blinked, envisioning the two perfect children she was raising, and then the daughter she never saw when she was Zola and Bailey's ages slipped into her thoughts.

* * *

His iPhone lit up and began vibrating. _Meredith!_ He immediately thought, rapidly turning to his phone screen. He'd been toying back and forth over filing a missing person's report, since no one seemed to know where Meredith was. Maggie insisted she was supposed to be in DC, but clearly she had never made it. He'd waited at the airport for six hours past her flight's alleged arrival time. But she never showed.

Derek didn't want to think the worst. He was an optimist. He left the pessimism for his wife, usually, but he knew traveling solo could be dangerous in today's world.

He **hated** thinking like that, but he couldn't help himself.

His stomach lurched when he saw it wasn't Meredith calling him. It was the last person he'd expect.

He immediately swiped right. "Amy?"

"Derek," her soft voice entered his ear, and his heart leaped again, because it was the first time he realized how similar Meredith and Amy's voices sounded.

He wasn't sure what to say, because he honestly wasn't prepared for Amy's calling. He had come to terms with never hearing from her again. Now was not the most opportune time for her to be contacting him, with Meredith God-knows-where.

 _Unless_.

 _No way,_ he thought.

"Amy, how are you?" He played it cool.

"I'm … I'm okay," she said. "Actually, no. I'm not."

"What's wrong?" he asked. Next, he blurted out the unthinkable: "Is Meredith there?"

"What?" she asked. "No … why would you ask that? Wait, she's not coming here, is she? She … uh, sent these letters, and I haven't opened any of them. I … I can't bring myself to open them. If she's planning a visit, God … "

He recalled Meredith mentioning something about sending a letter to Amy, but Amy had said _letters_ , which meant there were more than one. Meredith had never told him that she'd actually gone ahead and sent the letters, despite his advisement that she not. That was probably the reason she hadn't told him, though he was the one who gave her Amy's contact information.

"So you know I gave her your address, then," Derek sighed. "I know you told me not to tell her, but she kind of figured it out on her own. It's hard to hide anything from her."

"I … I'm not mad about that. It's fine, I figured you would. You don't look like the best liar," Amy said. According to Meredith, he was a _lying liar_ , but that was because he always managed to get caught in his lies. Maybe Amy was right; he was a terrible liar. He hated lying, but he seemed to do it way too often. It wasn't like he _planned_ on lying, it just happened.

"If you're not calling because of Meredith's letters, then what's up?" he asked, wondering if Amy was in some other crisis and needed him to make a trip up to New York. He wasn't sure if he could do that right now, when he should probably be filing a missing person report.

He was terrified of what the police would think.

First, they wouldn't take him seriously, because he didn't even live on the same side of the country as his wife-how would he know if she was missing or not? Second, if they did take him seriously, they would probably place the blame on him. It was _always_ the husband's fault.

"Like I said, I've been thinking about … what you revealed to me. Do you … do you still think it's possible? I mean, for real? Is it a real possibility?"

He swallowed thickly. "Amy, I … " He took a deep breath, preparing himself. "I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes life isn't simple. Meredith tends to see the grey areas, and I'm more of a black and white thinker. According to my mom, that's how we complement each other … over the years, she's splashed some of her grey on me … "

"You're not answering my question," Amy insisted.

Derek hesitated, then said, "What I mean is, yes, I think it's possible."

Silence. "That's all I needed to know, Derek," Amy said. Pause. "I … I want to know for sure."

"You're positive?"

"Yes," Amy said. "It's … it's Presidents' Day weekend, so I have Monday off. I've already bought MegaBus tickets to DC. I just need to know where to meet you."

* * *

The hum of the city was surprisingly loud for Meredith's ears.

She hadn't been in New York City in a few years, and she had completely forgotten about the low buzz of car honks, trucks, heaters and hidden subway tracks that were the soundtrack of the city. While Seattle had its own tune, Meredith was admittedly surprised she had forgotten about New York's melody.

She was standing in the middle of the Columbia University campus, in front of the Carman Hall, exactly where Derek told her she would find Amy. It took her a few tries to find the dorm, especially since her phone was dead and she had no idea where her charger was. For all she knew it might still be in Seattle.

Leaving town and coming here had been a very last minute decision. She figured she could avoid a fight with Derek a little longer if she went looking for Amy instead. Now, faced with the reality of being there, it felt slightly more daunting.

Meredith took a deep breath then walked inside the building, approaching the front desk.

"Hello, how can I help you?" said the college girl sitting behind the glass, her smile pearly white and welcoming.

"Good morning. Is this the dorm room where Amy Thompson lives?" Meredith asked, slightly nervous.

"Let me check the list. Can I see some ID, please?" Meredith took out her driver's licence, winning a smile from the teenager. "Wow, Seattle? That's pretty far!"

"Yeah, I… I'm her aunt."

"I'm sure Amy will be really happy to see you," the girl said, still smiling as she tapped on her keyboard. "Oh, I'm sorry. She left a notice to hold her mail because she's going to be away for the weekend. Presidents' Day."

Meredith sighed, trying to ignore how genuinely sorry the girl looked. She contemplated calling Derek, maybe to get Amy's number, but promptly dismissed the option. Her phone was now officially dead anyway.

"You can leave a note, if you want."

Meredith glanced down in her bag at the letter inside it, but shook her head. "No, it's fine. I'll be back another time, I was just in the neighborhood and decided to drop by."

"Sorry!" The girl shrugged, and Meredith stood there for a second, contemplating what to do next. Going back to Seattle was probably the most sensible option.

She hated Presidents' Day. Hated it with a passion. How could she celebrate a guy who stole her husband right from under her nose to make him a medical god?

Desk Girl greeted with an: "Hello, how can I help you?" the next person in line.

Meredith stopped dead in her tracks when she saw who she was, all her other thoughts forgotten. "Carolyn?"

The older woman turned towards her, a smile blossoming on her face. "Oh my! What a surprise to see you here, Meredith!"

Meredith squeezed her eyes and awkwardly hugged back Derek's mother. She still had a hard time believing she was standing here in the first place, the hug made her more real.

"What...Why –" Meredith stammered as she pulled away.

"Oh, I was in town to help around at the orphanage I volunteer at and decided to check up on Amy. I had to wander around a couple of the dorm buildings, but I guess I found hers." Her smile was genuine and motherly. Carolyn had a way to be soft and tough that she admired.

"She's not here; it's Presidents' Day weekend, apparently." Meredith's tone was flat, a little appalled by the fact that Carolyn usually "checked on" Amy and she had no idea why.

"Oh, you're right!" Carolyn sighed, almost as if she had just remembered about it herself. "Well, I guess we have nothing better to do here than grab a cup of coffee." Carolyn smiled kindly at the girl at the front desk, thanking her and sharing a quiet laugh about the cosmic coincidence. Meredith felt still a little dazed.

"Actually, I think I don't have time for coffee. I have to be at Mount Sinai in less than an hour." Meredith lied.

"So you're here for work, then?" Carolyn asked, curiosity dripping from her tone.

"I...Yes." Meredith hoped she didn't stammer too much. It had always been easy for her to lie to Ellis about her whereabouts, but when faced with Carolyn, Meredith always felt weird about hiding the truth.

"That's too bad." Carolyn sighed.

Meredith said goodbye to her then exited the building, heading the farthest away from Carolyn as possible.

"Sinai is in the other direction. You're going to end up in Harlem if you keep going." Carolyn snickered. Meredith knew right then that her lie had been caught and sighed loudly. "How long are you in the City?" Carolyn asked.

"I'm...not sure," Meredith replied honestly.

"Do you have time to have lunch with your mother-in-law, then, not just coffee?" Her way of asking almost excluded all possibilities to say no, especially after she was still recovering from lying in her face. "We can go to one of those places Derek loves."

"Seafood?" Meredith grimaced. As much as she loved her husband, whenever they had a date she had to beg for steak. She loved seafood, but sometimes the night called for red wine and a juicy, medium-rare T-bone.

Carolyn chuckled. "I guess not. What are you in the mood for?"

Meredith had no idea. She remembered how many different types of cuisine she tried the last time she had been in New York, and she always had a hard time deciding on a place.

Being honest, Meredith was in the mood for pancakes, but since it was practically lunchtime and not even remotely the weekend, she figured she could find something else. A diner might have been a compromise, but she didn't want to look silly with her pancakes for lunch in front of Carolyn. Derek would have made her get away with it, but Meredith still felt like she had to prove something to the older woman.

"Whatever you feel like it, Carolyn."

"In that case, I'm in the mood for some papaya juice." Carolyn smiled brightly, leading her out of the campus. "Do you have a MetroCard? Are you okay with taking the subway?"

Meredith shrugged. The subway could be boring, all in all, but at least it was fast. "I do, don't worry."

They took the 1 train downtown bound, and in ten minutes they arrived to one of the Derek-approved places. Carolyn gleamed when she exited the subway station, a blast of cold wind shaking them.

It wasn't a freezing day for being the end of February, but there still were no hints of spring in the air, except for the bright blue sky towering over all the skyscrapers. It was the perfect day to wander in the city, yet Meredith's mood was somber after missing Amy.

Part of her was happy she was having a good time with her friends or family, wherever she was; she was also happy she had avoided the confrontation. Meredith though was curious to see how Amy had settled in college, how she was doing after her dad died, how she was coping. She had a somewhat primal instinct to make sure she was doing okay, even if she knew it was not what Amy wanted.

"Is Derek still hung up about ordering fish whenever you are at a restaurant?"

"He usually does, yes." Meredith nodded, having a hard time getting back from her train of thoughts. Their subway ride had been filled mostly with talk about the kids, since Carolyn wanted to know all about them, and Meredith was happy to boast about them. Now that the talk was back to Derek, Meredith just wanted to zone out.

"Oh, that boy. He's the only one of my kids who truly likes fish and seafood, and he always had to order it out, since I hardly cooked any. I guess he never changed."

"Well, he still eats trout for breakfast, sometimes." Meredith smiled softly.

She remembered catching him and the kids one morning, either a Saturday or a Sunday, all three of them still in their pajamas, eating trout and trying to be quiet so she could sleep in. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"I wish I could visit you more often," Carolyn said. Meredith wasn't sure she agreed. Carolyn was too intimidating to have around daily. If she switched coasts, Meredith would have a nervous breakdown.

"Derek and the kids surely miss you," Meredith said, trying not to grimace when she saw the smile on Carolyn's face. That woman was reading right through her every word. That was beyond bad.

Meredith followed Carolyn for a couple of blocks, before they entered a corner joint, brightly colored bar tables and a handwritten menu hanging from the black-and-white checkered walls. It was a small place, nothing more than this room,, but it was buzzing with activity. And Meredith had to chuckle at the name.

"Seriously, Gray Papaya?"

Carolyn laughed as well. "As soon as I thought about you this place came to mind. Some of the best hot dogs in the City. Even Derek likes this place!"

Meredith trusted Carolyn and ordered two hot dogs and the famous papaya juice. And she had to admit, it was a really good hot dog, and some damn good juice. She should totally trust Carolyn when it comes to food.

"So, Derek called me a couple of days ago and said you might be visiting. Did you go down to DC before coming here?" Carolyn asked, and Meredith tried to keep busy by eating her hot dog. Replying to her question was admitting how far gone her marriage was, and she didn't want to say it out loud.

"It's...no. I still have to visit him down there."

"It's quite the place he's working at. He gave me a virtual tour over Skype and it was impressive!"

Meredith sighed. Of course Carolyn got the virtual tour, while she was left with next to no information when it came to what the hell Derek was working on. Meredith wasn't even sure she had a DC address for Derek in the first place. The thought boggled her mind.

Then she remembered that she did have one address, tucked into her wallet pocket, from the first time Derek came back. And luckily it was not a house, she just knew he was renting an apartment somewhere ten minutes from the NIH. Unless that was really his NIH office, she had no clue. She never really pried for more information, and she had no idea if it was a sad thought or it simply showed how much they were falling apart at the seams.

A sudden wave of sadness gripped her, for a few seconds replacing the usual anger she had over Derek.

"Yeah, you're right. A pretty impressive facility," Meredith said, trying to cover up her feelings, and trying to end the questions from Carolyn's part at the same time.

"What about in Seattle? Anything exciting happening for you?"

Meredith wanted to laugh, but she didn't. "Just work, with some exciting cases sometimes. Nothing special." That's who she was, after all, nobody special.

The conversation then moved to the kids again, much to Meredith's relief. Only, some of the sadness was still mixed with the anger at Derek, way after her hot dogs were finished.

Going to New York had been the worst idea ever. Maybe she should have stuck to DC, but now it was too late to change her mind.

* * *

 **Irene's A/N: First of all, Happy Holidays to all of you! And thank you for all the support you give us after every chapter. That is always the best gift. Now, what do you think will happen next?**


	15. Chapter 15

**Irene's A/N: Hello, readers! I hope you had a good holiday season, whatever you were celebrating. There's a little skip in the timeline for this chapter, but don't fear, there's a lot of juicy moments ready to be unveiled. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 15**

* * *

Mid-March arrived. Derek had submitted his and Amy's DNA for testing about four weeks ago. He listed Amy as the recipient of the results, meaning they would be mailed to Amy. He owed her that much. He had told her that if she wanted to share the results with him, that was up to her. He wanted her to be in full control of the situation, since she'd had little control over everything else.

He might have been able to put a rush on the results, but he didn't have any connections in the genetics division of the NIH. The DNA had to be processed at the Human Genome Lab, which typically had a four to six week turnaround.

Derek hadn't told Meredith about the test. In fact, he hadn't told her much of anything lately; they weren't exactly on speaking terms following the little stunt she pulled.

She'd told him that she'd checked into a hotel. When he'd asked which hotel, she'd become defensive and claimed it didn't matter. She claimed she wanted to spend some "alone" time, since she never had time to herself anymore, since she wasn't _privileged_ to get to do whatever she wanted, implying he was. The conversation ended on a bad note, so Derek opted not to bring the topic up again.

It was easiest to not talk to Meredith at all.

Recently, Meredith had been at work during each of his chats with Zola and Bailey. He couldn't remember the last time she'd been home during his talks with the kids.

He was beginning to wonder if his marriage was over.

His heart weighed heavily in his chest as he approached his small apartment one Friday. He couldn't stop thinking about Meredith and how their relationship was crumbling. It was impossible for them to work on their relationship from opposite coasts. It wasn't working, and it wasn't going to get any better unless he went to Seattle.

The cab had just dropped him in front of his apartment building. He studied the building, the lights from the windows illuminating through the darkness. Days were getting longer, but it was still dark by the time he got home. He hadn't seen the inside of his apartment in two days, having spent the last couple nights sleeping in his office, buried in work. It was easiest to lose himself in his work; it was the only way to get his family drama off his mind.

The tiredness weared on his body, so he opted to use the elevator for the first time since he moved into this building almost four months ago. Four months. That was how long it had been since he had seen his wife and children in the flesh.

He was watching his children grow up through a computer screen.

His stomach muscles tightened as he pictured the bottle of scotch in his pantry-the only thing in his pantry besides maybe a couple cans of soup-and he planned to pour himself a glass as soon as he stepped in the door.

He closed his eyes, imagining Meredith standing beside him. like she so often had in the elevators of Grey-Sloan Memorial. When they finally got together for good, they regularly came to work together. Before, he used the elevator to talk to her, even for just a few seconds. It was often the only time he knew she had to listen to him, back when she used to run from him all the time.

They were in such a weird place now; one they'd never been before, and he didn't know how to handle it. They were avoiding each other. That's what they were doing, only they weren't technically running from each other. Their situation was complicated. Messy.

His thoughts were in circles. When the elevator dinged, for just a moment, he contemplated staying inside and riding back down. He could catch the first cab and go to the airport and buy the first ticket to Seattle … he could do that.

He didn't, though.

Instead, he dragged his feet to his apartment door, where a familiar face met him.

* * *

She should have called Derek before she caught a bus to DC, but it was spring break and she was excited to get away from New York. If Derek wasn't home, she had a back-up plan, after all. Sort of. She could always stay in a hostel if she couldn't find a nice guy at one of the local bars to take her home.

Luckily, she hadn't been sitting outside of Derek's apartment long when he arrived. He looked different. Maybe it was the extra wrinkles around his eyes that made him look older. Maybe he was just tired, but he looked sad.

"Amy, what are you doing here?" were the first words out of his mouth.

"Well, that's a way to welcome your maybe-daughter, huh?" she retorted, crossing her arms as she stood up.

His lips rounded. "Do you have the results. Is that why you're here?"

"No. I don't have them, but today's the start of spring break. I have all next week off, so … "

"So you came here?" he finished, inserting his key into the door and letting them both into his apartment.

"You're bright today, eh?" she remarked, dropping her purse and backpack on the floor. Derek's apartment was as empty as it had been the last time she'd visited, when she'd handed over her spit to confirm or deny any relation to the man.

Okay, confession time: she secretly hoped that Derek was her dad.

It was crazy. Bizarre, in fact. It meant that Derek Shepherd wasn't the man she thought he was, that he was a cheater and a liar. To his first wife, who didn't sound like the nicest crayon in the box, either. She had cheated on him with his best friend, for God's sake. What kind of bitch did that?

If Amy ever met her, she'd certainly have words for her, and they wouldn't be nice ones.

Though, if Derek's ex hadn't cheated on him, then he never would have married Meredith. It was crazy how things sometimes worked out, but Amy was glad that Derek and Meredith were married, because she wouldn't be standing inside his empty apartment if he hadn't. She'd probably be watching some stupid movie Caden loved and she hated. Fortunately, her mother had cut back on her drinking and had even started going to AA meetings, not that Amy had ever defined her mother as an alcoholic. The drinking, to Amy's knowledge, had started only _after_ her father's death, but maybe she only just became aware of it then. Either way, she was glad that her mother was doing what was best for Caden and that Mrs. Shepherd had talked sense into her.

All Amy knew right now was that Derek Shepherd was supposed to be part of her life, whether he was her biological father or not; and that was enough for her to want to spend her spring break with him. She'd told her mother that she was going to DC for "Medical Camp" during break, and she'd bought it. It wasn't exactly a lie, since she knew Derek would be happy to teach her about all things medical.

"So, what's for dinner?" she asked.

He stared blankly at her, his eyes still gloomy and sad. "As you can see, I wasn't exactly expecting company. You should have called … "

"Should have, could have, would have. Too late. I'm here now." She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm craving Thai. Is there a good Thai food place that delivers around here, because I'm beat and I can tell you are too, so it's cool with me if we just Netflix and chill or whatever."

"Amy … "

"Oh, I didn't mean chill as in … " She blushed. Derek might be her _father_ , after all. Of course she didn't mean anything inappropriate. "I mean Netflix and relax … I'm cool with sleeping on the floor."

* * *

Derek didn't know what to make of Amy's unexpected visit, but he wasn't upset about her coming. He'd been so lonely lately; her company might be good for him. Also, in the dim light of his apartment, she looked _so_ much like Meredith. If he didn't know better, he could have sworn he was staring at his wife.

"I have a sleeping bag," he offered. He also had a tent, just in case an unexpected camping opportunity arose. His colleagues here in DC were nothing like his ones in Seattle, though. They seemed like the kind of guys who'd never witnessed the wilderness in person. Typical city guys. Living in DC had reminded him of what growing up in New York had been like. Fortunately, his father wasn't originally from the City. He'd grown up in the Midwest and had met Derek's mother when he was in the Army, she a nurse and he a soldier. Derek's father had shown him all the best camping locations on the East Coast.

Every kid deserved a dad like his dad.

"Good enough for me," Amy said, eying his laptop. "You don't even have a TV, do you?"

"No need for one when I'm never here," Derek said. "You're free to watch whatever you watch on Netflix on my computer, though. You can borrow my headphones, because I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to hit the sack early tonight. I'm an old man, and I'm tired." He fiddled in his pocket, digging out his wallet. He handed Amy his credit card. "Order whatever you want to eat. I grabbed a bite on the way home." He _hated_ fast food, but there was no point in cooking when it was just him. Fast food was his new norm, and his expanding waist was proof of it.

"You're not that old," Amy insisted. She held up his credit card. "You're sure you trust me with this? I wouldn't just hand my credit card out to just anyone! I could go shopping and buy whatever I want … " She raised his eyebrows.

"Go for it." Derek shrugged, trusting Amy wasn't the type of girl who would take advantage of his credit card. Meredith would say he trusted too easily. That was how he and Meredith were polar opposites. He trusted everyone until they proved him wrong, and she trusted no one until they proved her right.

"Nah … I'm too tired. I think I'll just order a pizza."

"I thought you wanted Thai food," Derek said.

"Yeah, well, I changed my mind," she retorted, sounding _exactly_ like Meredith.

* * *

"Wow." Derek marveled at the amazement on Amy's face as they walked through the halls of the National Institute of Health. He knew he could potentially get in trouble for allowing Amy inside the walls of the NIH. However, there were hundreds of students and interns at the NIH. Amy might possibly be one of them someday. So what if he was giving her access a few years prematurely?

Everyone who entered the NIH needed to present their ID and list their purpose. He had told Amy to state she was a medical student, observing Derek Shepherd. It wasn't exactly a lie.

"What does this do?" Amy pointed to the machine that read emotions. Derek had first used it in Seattle with Callie Torres as his test subject. He had been able to determine she was not happy, w hich led her to confess her desire to have another baby.

The machine was pretty amazing, actually. It allowed him to determine an individual's emotional response to various images. Sometimes, he wished he could convince Meredith to let him use the machine on her. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to determine the exact triggers that set her off, and he could truly understand his wife, once and for all.

The machine was still in testing, and doctors and scientists who had been introduced to it were still in awe. This machine had the potential to alter the future of mental health. They would finally be able to locate the root of depression and other mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder and PTSD.

He explained the machine's function to Amy and watched as her face brightened even more.

"That's so cool. You should try it on me!" she exclaimed.

Derek smiled, sensing his wife wouldn't hand over her brain so easily; at least not now.

"Maybe later," he offered. "I still haven't given you the full tour."

"You mean there's more to see?" Amy's eyes widened.

"You bet," he said, guiding her toward his lab. "Be prepared to see what no pre-med student has seen before," he added. "Just promise me you won't go back and brag to your friends."

Amy smiled. "I won't, promise."

* * *

Meredith was on a streak.

A 90-surgery-in-a-row streak, to be exact. She had not lost a patient since November 14th.

 _The day Derek left_.

Was she better alone? After all, Derek clouded her judgment. When he wasn't breathing down her throat, she could think clearer. She had forgotten who she was before Derek, which his going to DC had permitted her to remember.

And … she was happy. Her kids were happy. Derek was happy in DC, changing the face of brain surgery.

For so long, she had believed that they would be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart, but she was wrong. Maybe they were nothing but an ordinary old married couple now, and they were extraordinary apart. Together, they only held each other back.

Still, he was the first person she wanted to tell about her streak. She wanted him to know that she was succeeding, that her staying in Seattle wasn't on a whim, that she was saving lives. She might not have cured cancer or whatever, but she was altering the course of people's lives and that in itself was enough for her.

She needed her husband to know that.

 _They_ were on a streak. Together, they were changing the world, even if they were on opposite coasts. They might not be physically together, but they were both on the path to being extraordinary. How many surgeons could say they'd had ninety freaking surgeries in a row where no one died?

So, she made herself comfortable in the lounge, unlocked her iPhone, and opened her recent contacts. Although she had not spoken to Derek personally in a while, his name was still listed under her most frequent contacts. She tapped his name with her thumb and pressed the phone up to the ear, listening to the dial tone that followed. After only one ring, she heard, "Hello?"

However, it wasn't her husband's voice on the other end of the call.

It was a woman's. "Hi, is he in the lab?" Meredith asked, assuming it was one of Derek's assistants.

"What?" the woman said.

Meredith checked her screen, just to make sure she had clicked the right name.

"I know this is Derek Shepherd's phone. Who is this?" No answer. "Who _is_ this?" she repeated, frowning. Still no response from the other line. "Who _is this_? _Hello_?"

Then the line went dead.

Meredith's heart pounded. Who the _hell_ had just answered her husband's phone? She knew Derek was prone to not answering his phone, especially when he was working. He often left his phone with an assistant. Meredith was used to the nurses answering her husband's phone when he was in Seattle. That's probably who the woman was, Meredith concluded.

But why had she hung up? Why hadn't she just said that Derek was busy?

Something wasn't adding up.

Maybe Derek had lost his phone, and some stranger had picked up. Or maybe it was stolen. It was incredibly difficult to get away with stealing an iPhone with Apple's security features; that was one reason Derek had insisted they both get iPhones in the first place.

Meredith ran through every possibility, trying to force the worst out of her thoughts.

 _He's done it before_ , she thought, feeling a sickness in the pit of her stomach. Was history repeating itself?

She didn't want to think the words.

Meredith retried calling Derek. Maybe the assistant was a novice iPhone user and had accidentally disconnected. Or, maybe Derek's phone had lost service. Both were possibilities. Both were better than the alternative.

Meredith desperately tried to push those thoughts out of her head, although she couldn't stop them from creeping in the back of her brain.

This time, his phone went straight to voicemail.

What the hell was happening?

* * *

When Meredith heard hoofbeats, she always thought horses. It was what made her a good surgeon. More often than not, the most obvious choice was the right choice.

That didn't mean she _wanted_ the obvious choice to be the right one. Earlier that day, a woman had walked into the ER complaining of stomach pains and blood in her stool. After compiling all her symptoms, Meredith knew it was highly likely that the woman had colon cancer, and an advanced stage. A number of tests later revealed that Meredith was right, and the woman was referred to an oncologist.

The point was, most of the time the obvious choice was the right one.

She knew she and Derek hadn't been on good terms lately, but she had never in a million years fathomed the possibility of cheating. _She_ didn't have time to cheat, between being a rockstar surgeon and raising two young children. Meanwhile, her husband was on the other side of the country, supposedly spending all of his days deep in research so he could change the future of brain surgery.

Okay, the thought _had_ crossed her mind a time or two: that Derek would find someone else in DC. But, the bottom line was, she had thought she could trust him, at least when it came to _that_.

They had their share of trust issues, but _that_ wasn't among them.

At least until now.

What was she going to do? What _could_ she do? After all, her husband was on the other side of the country.

Possibly with another woman.

* * *

Later, after another long, emergency shift, Meredith sat at home, pondering on the couch all alone. She'd tried Derek's phone at least fifty more times since the mysterious woman had answered her husband's phone, yet his phone continued to go straight to voicemail.

It wasn't like Derek to leave his phone off all day, which only meant one thing: He was not only likely screwing another woman, but he was also dodging her calls.

Just like he had done to Addison.

The sickness grew in Meredith's gut as she crossed her legs. Her gaze kept falling to the front door, a sense of longing in her chest. A longing to see her husband walk through those doors again.

She wished she could go back.

 _Back to where?_

How had they ended up here, anyway? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to be extraordinary together. At least, that was what she'd once convinced herself. Back when she had convinced herself that she and Derek needed each other. That they were stronger together.

Now, she just felt weary. She was so damn tired, and the house was so quiet. Too quiet. Both of her children were sound asleep in their beds. She could go check on them. She'd already done that five time since putting them down. Since Derek had left for DC, she found herself checking on the kids almost hourly. If she found them awake, she invited them into her room to sleep. Meredith found it impossible to sleep alone in that big bed. However, she didn't want the kids to get too used to sleeping in the big bed, because their daddy would come home one day and they wouldn't be able to sleep with them forever.

 _He would come home one day_.

Meredith scrolled through the calendar on her phone.

118 days. Derek had been gone that long. He had missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, Zola's birthday, and Valentine's Day. They had not seen each other in person in 118 days.

Maybe thinking he would come home was just wishful thinking at this point. Maybe her sending him to DC had been the end. Maybe they were over.

Meredith hadn't regretted urging Derek to go to DC. She had seen with her own eyes how unhappy he was in Seattle when he knew he could be changing medicine in DC. He had to go, and she had to stay. But that didn't mean she wanted _them_ to be over.

Their relationship was so complicated; Meredith didn't know what she wanted anymore.

She wanted to be happy. She wanted Derek to be happy. She wanted her children to be happy. If everyone could be happy, then that would be enough for her.

They were happy, weren't they?

Meredith was a rockstar surgeon, and performing better in the OR than ever before.

Derek was working with the President of the United States on a once in a lifetime opportunity that few neurosurgeons could ever have the opportunity to work on.

Zola and Bailey were growing up talking to their father through a screen. At least Derek made every effort to talk to the kids daily, even if he didn't talk to Meredith. Hell, that was more than Thatcher Grey had ever tried. Derek regularly sent gifts and cards to the kids, too. Again, more than Thatcher had ever done. Meredith didn't doubt for a second that Derek loved and adored their children.

Meredith didn't want to compare her and Derek to Ellis and Thatcher, but sometimes it was hard not to make that comparison.

Her insides continued twisting as she held on tightly to her phone, wishing that Derek would prove her wrong and call her soon with a good explanation for putting Meredith through such anxiety.

However, no such call came.

* * *

Meredith walked into Seattle-Tacoma Airport at ten p.m. She had called and managed to get on the redeye to Washington DC. It was a direct flight, so she wouldn't have to worry about a layover. The nanny was always on-call as part of their contract, so she was available whenever Meredith needed her. They wouldn't think anything out of the ordinary, since they were used to waking up with Mommy not home because she had been called into surgery.

She was sleep-deprived, and obviously not thinking clearly because this was not something she did. She did not buy last minute plane tickets to go see what the hell her husband was doing when he didn't answer his phone. She didn't automatically assume her husband was cheating on her when another woman answered his phone. Women answered his phone all the time, but his line didn't suddenly go straight to voicemail immediately following. That was not normal. Nothing about this situation was normal, and she couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. She needed to get to DC, and sooner rather than later.

Even if it meant she might run into her worst nightmare.

 _You must be the woman who's been screwing my husband?_ She shuddered, realizing how familiar this situation really was.

Now she knew how Addison had felt when she had seen Derek in the waiting room of Seattle Grace with Meredith.

It was better she know sooner rather than later. She couldn't stand how she and Derek were in this limbo or whatever they were in. They needed to face their problems head on, and the only way they would do that is if she got on that plane.

As much as she dreaded the potential outcome ...

* * *

"I'm so, so sorry about your phone." Amy was blushing. "I went to answer it … and it must have slipped out of my hand."

He's heard Amy's explanation a thousand times by now. "I know, it's okay, Amy. I'm not mad. I'll get a new one tomorrow. It's no big deal, really, so don't beat yourself up over spilled milk.. Hey, honestly? I'm enjoying the silence."

"Yeah, but what if someone important calls? Like … I don't know, your boss?" Amy asked.

"You mean the President of the United States?" Derek laughed. "Oh, believe me, the President has more than enough ways of getting in contact of me. He doesn't need my cell phone. Besides, it's my personal phone you broke, not my work one. The only important person who calls my personal these days is Zola."

The only other people who called were his former Grey Sloan co-workers to complain about something he did or didn't do before he left, besides an occasional call from his mom or a call from Meredith that usually ended in an argument of some kind. The calls from Meredith had been the rarest lately. Usually he was the one calling her and leaving a voicemail, never to receive a call back. Oh, and there was Amelia, who called to remind him what a shitty father and husband and brother he was. She hadn't had anything positive to say lately, either. Not that he blamed her. Some of what she was saying was true, he supposed.

"Oh, no! Sweet Zola will be worried sick." Amy frowns, genuinely looking concerned for his daughter.

"She usually calls around four in the morning my time, so I'll just set my MacBook up a little later-it's linked to my FaceTime account, so it should go through," Derek says with a smile. They're alone in his lab, as they'd spent the last several nights with few interruptions. The NIH was dead in the evening hours, so it was easy to bring Amy without there being any questions of who she was or what she was doing there. Not that it really mattered, as far as Derek was concerned, since Amy was a student and had every right to be taught whatever he could teach her.

Honestly, he'd missed having one-on-one lessons with his students. When he worked at Grey Sloan, he always picked a prodigy. First Meredith. Then Lexie and Heather, both whose time had been cut too short before they could reach their full potential.

Maybe he was jinxed. Meredith left neuro because she didn't think their marriage would survive if they worked together. As it turned out, it might not survive anyway so her efforts had been wasted. Derek didn't know if Meredith was truly happy in general surgery. He hoped she was. All he wanted was for her to be happy. She deserved to finally be happy after the Hell she'd gone through as a child.

He would never force her to stay married to him if she didn't want to stay married to him.

The D word made his heart sink, but he knew that if something didn't change soon that was where they were headed. The funny thing was, he'd never seen Addison cheating on him with Mark coming. He'd truly been taken off guard when it happened. He'd been so obliviously busy building his neurosurgery career that he hadn't realized Addison was unhappy in their marriage. They fought like normal couples fought, but Derek hadn't pegged Addison as someone who would ever hurt him.

He felt horrible for even thinking Meredith would do what Addison did. Meredith wasn't Addison, but she'd screwed a lot more guys than Addison, as far as Derek knew. If she wanted to release the tension while Derek was away, Joe's Bar was just across the street from the hospital. Derek didn't need a medical degree to figure that one out.

Derek wondered what Meredith was doing right now, right this moment …

He contemplated calling her from his work line, but he wasn't supposed to give that number out to anyone who wasn't government personnel. Not even his wife.

* * *

Meredith's flight landed at Ronald Reagan International Airport at five a.m. Her eyes were heavy, and she'd cried silently the whole plane ride. Luckily, no one was sitting next to her to ask questions, but the lady across the aisle from her had flashed some inquisitive looks her way.

As they filed out of the plane, the woman edged close to her and said quietly in Meredith's ear, "It's a guy, isn't it?"

Meredith flinched. "Excuse me?"

"The reason you're here is because of a guy, isn't it?"

"Wha-"

"No suitcase, not even a carry on. You cried the whole plane ride. My guess is you called and another woman answered his phone, so you booked the first flight here. Poor girl," the woman says.

"I didn't book the first flight out," Meredith seethed. "I waited several hours for him to call me back!"

"Let me tell you, sister. No guy is worth becoming dehydrated over, especially if he's not willing to put a ring on your finger." Meredith noted the woman's empty ring finger.

"We're happily married, thank you very much. And my relationship is none of your damn business. Keep your nose where it belongs," Meredith snapped, not sure where her rage had suddenly come from, but she charged away from the rude stranger as soon as she left the runway.

 _We're happy married_ , she had told the stranger.

Well, that was definitely a lie. It wasn't the stranger's damn business, even if she had been right. No guy was worth crying over. Meredith Grey didn't cry over guys.

Only Derek Fucking Shepherd.

* * *

Meredith's phone buzzed in her pocket, causing her to practically run into a post as she was exiting the airport. _Watch it be Derek, now,_ her thoughts told her, imagining her husband having some lame-ass excuse for another woman answering his phone then going off the radar for hours after. Maybe he'd really lost his phone after all.

It wasn't Derek. It was Alex.

She contemplated letting Alex go to voicemail, but she answered it anyway.

"Alex, this isn't a good time," she said hurriedly. The sounds of traffic sped all around her.

"Dude, where are you? It sounds like you're in the middle of a highway … "

"I'm in DC," she said.

"So you finally decided to go see Derek? That was sudden," Alex said.

"She's in DC?!" Meredith heard a familiar voice shriek in the background. "It's about time!"

"I told you she wouldn't make it to the end of the month. I can't believe I've already lost two bets on how long it'll take. Karev, pay up."

"Who's there?" Meredith said, frowning as she realized Alex had company and they were having bets on her love life.

"Just Callie and Maggie. We were going to invite you to come join us on this super cool surgery, but you have other important priorities. Who's watching the kids?"

"The nanny… look, I really should go."

"Everything okay? You don't sound so excited to be in DC seeing Derek. He didn't hurt you, did he? Do I need to come and strangle him?"

"Alex, it's … " _nothing,_ she wanted to say, but she couldn't bring herself to lie to her closest friends. Her throat swelled shut before her mother uttered the words, "I called Derek and another woman answered his phone."

"Another woman answered Derek's phone?" Alex repeated.

"No way!" she heard Callie and Maggie gasping, realizing Alex had put her on speaker because their voices came in much clearer now.

"He probably just lost his phone and some random lady picked it up," she heard Callie saying.

"Stretch," Meredith mumbled, although she was still holding onto hope that was what had happened, indeed. The more time passed, though, the less likely she decided that was what was really going on.

"Maybe a kid stole it and his mom picked it up," Callie suggested.

"He was in surgery and a nurse picked it up. They pick up our phones all the time," Maggie chipped in. "He was in the lab and a research assistant picked it up. He was in the bathroom and a janitor picked it up. He was in an accident and a paramedic picked it up."

"Whoa," gasped Callie.

"Not the best option, but it's viable," Maggie said. "I'm just saying, don't go looking for zebras here. I think Derek is … "

"He's done this before," Meredith said.

"Done what?" Maggie asked.

"Moved to a new city. Got a new job. Ignored his wife's calls. Met a new girl. Fell in love," Meredith said hoarsely.

"Wait, what. What do you mean met a girl?" Callie asked.

"Me. He met me. He left Addison when the marriage got hard."

"Mm."

She heard Alex scowling. "Look, I've watched you two suck face for years. You've disgusted me for years. He's into you. And if a guy is still into you, it means he still wants to do you, and if he still wants to do you, you're solid."

"I don't know you as well as everyone else here, but I really need to tell you to stop talking now," Maggie said.

"I didn't want to say anything in the first place," Alex said.

"Mer, I lived down the hall from you. I've heard the sex noises. I've seen the drama and the tears. There's no way that Derek's … look, you and Derek are proof that love exists. That it works. That there is hope. You guys are a freaking romance novel. I, for one, am rooting for you. Team MerDer!"

"Stop saying that," she heard Alex groan.

"Also, somewhere in Georgetown, there's a very tall, very perky woman with a lot of great hair. What if _she_ met Derek at a bar? What if her friends are rooting for her, too? Look, I'm not a zebra in this scenario. I wish I were, but I'm not. I'm just a horse." The pit of her stomach ached. "I have to go now."

She hung up, gloomily gazing at the cabs.

Where was she supposed to start? The only address she had was his NIH office.

* * *

"I don't think we can do this," Amy sighed. "Seriously, you and Meredith really did this, and it's been done since?" Derek had decided the safest bet was to give Amy a look into previous brain studies that had been done, and whilst sifting through the NIH library he had come across the glioma trial he and Meredith had done when his wife was an intern.

"Yes, actually it was Meredith's idea," Derek said. "I was reluctant, but she pushed me … and she was right. It was the first time I published big. I had a few small publications before. This was the trial that really jump started my career. Well, I had a great career before, but it got my name out there. It changed my life. I probably wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for that trial."

 _And he and Meredith wouldn't be married_ , Derek bit his lip, holding that piece to himself. The glioma trial had been life-changing for him and Meredith. It was the trial that made him realize he couldn't live without Meredith, and they had the potential to be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart. Okay, her words, not his, but that wasn't the point. The point was, that trial had opened both of their eyes to how much they really, truly needed each other to be complete.

His heart ached so heavily now as he tried to replicate the procedure he and Meredith had successfully completed on Beth Monroe. He struggled focusing. Actually, Amy's hands were perfect. She had steady hands. Neurosurgeon hands. He was the one who was off balance.

"Do you know what kind of surgeon you want to be, yet?" he asked, though he knew he shouldn't advise her on which direction to head in the surgery field. She was so young and had her whole career ahead of her. She hadn't even completed her first year of pre-med. She had a long road ahead if she made it through pre-med and medical school-and he saw no reason as to why she shouldn't; she was young, fierce and determined, just like her mother. However, medical school was no cake walk, and nothing was guaranteed. He'd had plenty of moments during his education that he thought he wasn't going to make it past the next mid-term. He'd almost dropped out of anatomy during his final semester of pre-med. If he had, he never would have become a surgeon.

He was already married to Addison at that point, so they still would have been together. Maybe they would have stayed happy, since he wouldn't have buried himself in his practice. Addison wouldn't have cheated on him with Mark.

They would have probably had children, since they had delayed having kids because they were so busy building names for themselves.

He never would have met Meredith.

Everything would have been different. No Zola. No Bailey.

 _No Amy?_

His gut tightened, then he heard, "What is going on, Derek?" and he could have sworn it was Meredith.

Then he looked up and thought he was hallucinating.

* * *

 **Nicole's A/N: Happy 2017! I can't believe it's 2017, and this story is almost complete. Just a couple chapters left. Thanks for all your support. I wish you the best year yet! xoxo**


	16. Chapter 16

**Irene's A/N: We did leave you on a bit of a cliff, but cliffs are what make stories good, am I right? Read on to figure out who's gonna show up!**

* * *

 **Chapter 16**

* * *

It was easier for Meredith to get into the NIH than she had anticipated. Although it was the middle of the night in Seattle, DC residents were just starting their day. All she had to do was go to the visitor office and ask where she would find Dr. Derek Shepherd's office, and she'd provided the address Derek had given her many months ago. A kind lady directed her from there. Easy peasy.

She'd been on his way to his office when she heard a familiar voice coming from a lab.

Meredith had braced herself, anticipating she'd find the worst: Derek with another woman who was possibly his intern or one of his NIH nurses. She _had not_ expected at all for that woman to be _Amy_. What the hell was _Amy_ doing with Derek?

"What is going on, Derek?" She sensed her voice sounded harsh, but she was seething. Why the fuck was Derek working with Amy? All the time Meredith had spent in New York, looking for her and unable to locate her. Meanwhile, she was right here. With Derek. And Derek had never called to tell her. Not once. How long had this been going on? More importantly, _why_ was this going on?

"Meredith, what are you doing here?" He looked dazed, his mind clearly blown that she was standing in front of him in the flesh.

"You're my husband. Why can't I be here?" Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I didn't say you couldn't, but you could have let me know you were coming," Derek said.

"Kind of hard to do when I call your phone and a woman answers your phone, hangs up, and then your phone goes to voicemail every subsequent time I call," Meredith spat, then she glared ferociously at Amy, whose eyes quickly darted away. She sensed fear on the girl's face. Why was Amy so damn scared of Meredith?

"Ah,." Derek nodded. "Amy tried to answer my phone when it rang. We were here, in the lab, and I was focused so I told her to get it. It slipped out of her hand, and the screen shattered. I have to get a new phone."

Her heart dropped, a sense of relief flooding her. "But you could have called me on another phone."

"I didn't realize it had been you who'd called, Meredith, or I would have found a way to call you. I swear," Derek said. "Is that why you're here? You thought something else was going on?"

"No," Meredith said. "That's not why I'm here." Meredith rolled her eyes, lying. Meredith had no intention of showing Derek her weakness, that she would fly all the way across the country for such a petty reason. "I was coming anyway to surprise you, but obviously nothing has changed. You're still a lying liar. Why didn't you tell me that you were spending time with Amy? More importantly,, what the _hell_ is she doing here at the NIH! You wouldn't even let me _near_ your research in Seattle, because it was _private_!" Her heart rate had risen again, and she was having a hard time keeping her cool. She felt left out, because everyone else in the world seemed to be privy to Derek's research. Callie had worked alongside him. Now Amy.

"You never asked!" Derek shot back. "Meredith, I didn't know you were interested in my work? Any time I talk about it, you change the subject to you!"

"That's because I explicitly remember you pushing me out of your room one time when I wanted to use the computer! I didn't want to bother you or get you in trouble."

"My NIH emails are on that computer! Correspondence with the _president_ , and matters of national security. I can't let anyone use my computer, but you, and anyone else, are perfectly welcome to look at my research!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, you're not the Secretary of State! I doubt there are matters of national security on your computer. I don't see what's so dangerous about me using the internet to search basic information for my research." Meredith cringed.

 _Or there was something else he didn't want to see-a flirtatious email to a co-worker in DC?_ Even if Derek was with Amy _now_ , she couldn't trust that there wasn't someone else sending her husband flirty emails. Or worse. She didn't think she needed to worry about _that_ when she told her husband to go to DC.

She was panicking now. Definitely panicking, but within good reason. Right? Or had she turned into the crazy paranoid, jealous wife?

Derek's gaze darted away from Meredith. _He's guilty,_ Meredith decided. Derek sighed. "Besides, Amy and I are looking over old case files." Derek's voice had softened. "We're currently looking at … " his eyes wandered again. Meredith followed his gaze. "Amy?" Derek called. "Did she leave?"

"I didn't see her go," Meredith replied hastily.

"Damn it," Derek muttered, and he charged out of the lab. Meredith followed him down the hall as he called out Amy's name. Then he stopped at an office. Her eye immediately went to the name on the door. His name. "She's gone."

"Well, you have her number. Call her … oh wait, your phone is broken. We can call her on mine." Meredith reached for her pocket in her purse.

"You don't have her number programmed in your phone," Derek said, unlocking his office and letting them both in. "And I don't have it memorized, so I have no way of calling her."

"Oh," Meredith said, as she began scoping Derek's office. It was tidy, as she expected it would be. Her eyes immediately drew to the photos on Derek's desk of her and the children. She smiled inside, realizing that Derek saw their little family every day on his desk in DC. Meredith blinked, tears then welling in her eyes. "She hates me," she mumbled.

"Who hates you?" Derek looked puzzled, but handsome. Why did he have to be so handsome and brainless? Stupid brain man.

"Amy," Meredith said. "Amy hates me … and I don't blame her."

"She doesn't hate you," Derek said, though Meredith knew he was just saying that to make her feel better. Surely he knew the contrary was true.

"That's why you didn't tell me she was here … that's why she asked you not to tell me about your encounter at Christmas. She hates my guts, so that's why she doesn't want me to be part of her life. I mean, not that I blame her. I'd hate my guts, too, if I were her."

* * *

Derek's heart ached, his eyes capturing Meredith's full figure for the first time since her arrival. It was hard to believe that this was the first time he had seen her in person since he'd stormed out of Seattle that not-so fateful night. The last time he had seen her, they had both yelled hurtful words. At this point, he couldn't recall how the fight had even begun, but it had ended with her yelling at him to, "Go!" and him hurrying home to pack his bags, then catching the next flight to DC.

That was how they had ended up here. Maybe not entirely, but it was the gist of it.

Had Meredith really thought he was _cheating_ on her? Was their relationship really so fragile that Meredith couldn't trust him to remain faithful?

As someone who had been cheated on, Derek couldn't begin to imagine. When he had caught Addison with Mark, he had never seen it coming. Maybe he was too wrapped in his work to notice. He'd been ignorant.

No, he'd trusted Addison.

Meredith didn't trust him, and to be honest, Derek wasn't sure he trusted Meredith.

That was their whole problem. They didn't trust each other.

He studied his wife, who looked wearier than he'd ever seen her. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. Wrinkles creased the skin surrounding her eyes. He sensed she'd been sobbing, and then Derek noted the new tears forming in her eyes. His heart swelled. He hated when Meredith was sad, because it made him sad, too.

"Meredith, I'm … I don't know what to say," he confessed, point blank. "What do you want me to say?"

Her eyes, shiny from tears, shot at him. She didn't say anything for a moment. Then, she whispered, "I … I don't know … I don't know why I'm here … I … I don't know anything anymore."

He frowned, and he reacted in the only way he knew how; he reached his hand out and wrapped his fingers around hers. She didn't push him away. He squeezed her tiny fingers in his hand; her hand was smaller than he remembered. Her skin was ice cold. He studied his wife, noting that she looked thinner. Meredith had always been thin, but she had filled out since they first met. After Bailey was born, her breasts and hips had filled out even more. She had looked hotter than ever. Now, she looked almost malnutritioned. He worried if she was eating. She'd been working a lot, and he knew how easy it was to forget to eat after long hours in the OR.

He pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her, her face landing on his chest. That was when he first heard her sobs. His chest muffled the sobs as they grew louder. Moisture soaked through his shirt while the faint scent of lavender tantalized his nostrils.

Right now, the only thing he knew he could do was be present for her. He stroked her soft darker hair and held her tight, hoping to transfer some of his body heat to her chilled skin.

The moment ended when Meredith tilted her head up, and her coffee-scented breath brushed his nostrils. He gazed into her blue-green eyes and said, "I'm not cheating on you." She swallowed thickly, and another tear rolled down her soaked face. He wiped this tear with his finger. "Meredith, we're in trouble."

"What do you mean?" Her eyes perked, and she released herself from his embrace.

"If … if you call me, and another woman answers my phone and your first thought is I'm cheating on you, then we're in trouble," Derek said.

Meredith took a deep breath. "It wasn't my first thought. Your phone went straight to voicemail. What was I supposed to think?"

"Mere, we're not going to fight about this," he said. "I hate this, Meredith."

"I hate it, too," she said. "But what can we do? I don't want to live in Washington DC. The people are so rude here! And traffic is awful. Do you know how long it took me to get a cab? I don't know how you can stand it. Derek, I love the West Coast. I really do, and I don't want to leave it. All of our friends are there! It's home. DC isn't."

"Meredith, I know. DC isn't home for you. The East Coast isn't home for you. I was raised here … "

"I was raised in Boston," Meredith reminded him. "I hated every moment of it."

"Okay, but I didn't hate growing up on the East Coast, Meredith. I loved it, and I have family here … I feel like we're drifting apart. I don't want to lose my family, Meredith. My mother isn't going to be around forever, and she deserves to see Zola and Bailey grow up like she did her other grandchildren."

"We'll come out for Easter or Fourth of July or something, then. I'm not much of a family person, but your mom is okay, I guess. Do I have to deal with Nancy and Lizzie, though?" Meredith frowned.

"You and Lizzie seemed to get along okay."

"She still sees me as the slutty intern, and I'm not sure that will ever change," Meredith said confidently.

"She just has to get to know you better, that's all. They all do," Derek said. "My mom loves you, you know? She never liked Addison." Meredith snorted. Derek smirked and asked, "What was _that_ for?"

"Nothing," Meredith quipped.

* * *

It wasn't the first time she'd heard Derek claim his mother liked her more than Addison, and Meredith still didn't know _why_. Addison was perky and tall and beautiful. She had a sense of style. She had everything a woman should have, and Meredith was none of that.. Surely Amy would rather have found out that her biological mother was someone like Addison Montgomery.

"She's really gone, isn't she?" Meredith said, feeling defeated.

Derek shrugged. "She can't be entirely gone. She has stuff at my apartment, and she doesn't have a key so she'd need me to get in," Derek said.

"So let's go to your fancy apartment, then," Meredith said suggestively.

"Fancy? It's a studio, and there's barely any furniture. Not even a couch. No decorations. It's pretty basic, since there's no point having an extravagant place to live when my family is on the other coast."

Meredith could easily come up with a comeback, but she chose to not respond. He'd come to DC to work, not to live. She thought of the nice home he'd wanted to buy in Foggy Bottom, back when she and the kids were supposed to come with him.

What would their life be like if she hadn't put her foot down? Random motorcades every other day, snotty people, and a fancy lab? No Richard Webber, Miranda Bailey, Alex Karev, Callie Torres, or Arizona Robbins. No Maggie or Amelia, the sisters she never wanted but had grown to love.

Maybe she'd have new people, new friends, but they wouldn't be the same. They'd ask inappropriate questions and make rude accusations about her marriage. She didn't want those kinds of people in her life.

The kids would get to see their only living grandmother more often. Derek was right, they should have that opportunity.

But Meredith couldn't imagine the rest.

Something had to give, but it couldn't be her moving herself and the kids to DC.

Derek was right: They were in trouble.

* * *

When Meredith had imagined her husband's DC apartment, she had always imagined he lived in one of those fancy complexes that she had seen in passing when she'd visited DC in the past. Considering her husband was classy, she imagined he'd live in a classy place.

She was surprised that his apartment was a less-than-extraordinary apartment just ten or so minutes out of Bethesda. There was a metro stop just around the block, so Derek had easy access to the metro system. Meredith sensed Derek got around town mostly by cab, which was how they transported from the National Institute of Health to his apartment.

The neighborhood itself was definitely higher-end, even though the apartment complex was nothing special to look at on the outside.

"I don't understand," Derek said moments after unlocking his studio apartment, which was when they discovered Amy had already been there and all of her stuff was gone. "How'd she get in without a key?"

"Maybe she picked the lock?" Meredith suggested.

"No, I had it deadbolted, there's no way," Derek said.

"Then maybe she had a property manager let her in?"

"What property manager lets just anyone into someone else's apartment?" Derek frowned.

"Maybe they saw her with you and assumed it was okay? Heck, I bet I could get them to let me in, if I wanted." Meredith shrugged, raising her eyebrows. "Want me to try?"

Derek laughed. "You're so hot when you're being nefarious."

"Nefarious? I'm not being nefarious, I was just proving a point," Meredith replied.

"Okay, then. Try it. See if management will let you in."

Meredith found herself giggling like she hadn't giggled in a long time. She flickered her eyebrows at Derek and noted the warmth in his eyes. Derek stayed upstairs while she went back downstairs; she'd seen the property management office when they'd come in. In the office, there was a young woman manning the desk. "Excuse me?" she said, garnering the woman's attention.

"Can I help you?" the lady asked. Meredith thought she sounded rude, but was DC, after all. Rude was an East Coaster's natural tone.

"Yes … I was wondering if you could let me into my husband, Derek's, apartment. I seem to have forgotten something … "

"If you're separated, I'll need to call him to verify that it's okay. Don't need a legal battle on my hands, you know?"

"We're not separated. You see, he works here in DC, and I work in Seattle … messy situation, but we're making it work. And you can't call him. Actually, that's why I'm here, because his phone's broken, so I can't call him to tell him I forgot my camera in the apartment when we left this morning. You see, the plan was for me to sightsee while he worked, and my camera is in there and I can't sightsee without it!"

"I see, what's your husband's apartment number?" the woman asked, her voice softening.

"Yeah, it's 244." Meredith had noticed the number earlier while she'd waited for Derek to unlock the door.

"Derek Shepherd? I just let his daughter … well, your daughter, too, I imagine. She looks just like you, now that I think of it. She said she'd forgotten some stuff, too. Guess memory loss runs in the family, uh?" _Oh, you have no idea_ , Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Amy was here? About how long ago?" Meredith asked.

"You just missed her, about ten minutes ago. She seemed pretty upset, said she had to get out of town and her dad was at work and his phone was broken, so she couldn't get the key. At least your stories align."

 _No shit._

"On second thought … I'm not going to need to let in," Meredith said, storming out of the office. She raced upstairs, finding Derek's apartment still unlocked. She found Derek sitting on his bed with his face in his palms.

"Well?" he asked, looking up when Meredith entered the room.

"She told them you were her dad and your phone was broken, so she couldn't get into get her stuff," Meredith said. Derek's face whitened. He scoffed.

"Crap," Derek mumbled; Meredith sat beside him and wrapped one arm around his back.

"She's really gone," Meredith murmured.

"And there's nothing we can do now," he said. "I … I need to get a new phone. Maybe they can recover my contacts."

Meredith rested her head on Derek's shoulder, closing her eyes and taking in the moment. She felt Derek's chest rise and fall with each breath he took, and his warmth seemed to radiate onto her. She forgot how warm he was.

His head tilted toward her, and he leaned into her lips until they collided with his.

* * *

The tension unraveled. Derek had forgotten what it was like to make love to Meredith Grey, since he was pretty sure they hadn't made love like this since before he was summoned by the President of the United States. In fact, he felt like they hadn't been together like this since before Bailey was born.

The moistness from her skin mixed with his as their bodies fused. He felt her pulse quickening as his raced, too. Their pulses reached a matching rhythm as they came together.

After four rounds, they lie next to each other under the covers, her face rested on his bare chest. He enjoyed listening to and feeling the beat of her heart.

"I miss you," he heard her murmur.

"I'm right here," he said. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Derek … you were right," she said. "We're in trouble."

Silence fell between them then, and he hugged her.. "We don't have to be," he said. "I … I need to come back to Seattle."

"Your work is here," she said immediately.

"I … I thought DC was everything," he confessed. "But I was wrong … DC isn't everything. _You_ are everything, Meredith. I love you, and I'm not going to stop loving you. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it."

He felt tears on his chest again. "But … what about your mom? I thought you wanted to spend more time with her?"

"You said we could start bringing the kids for holidays earlier. We can, and we will. It's only a few hours on a plane. Actually, it's about the same amount of time on a plane as it is to drive from DC," Derek said. "Maybe we can encourage Zola to FaceTime her grandma like she's done with me. See, that iPad can come in handy, and it's not just about me buying their love."

"I know," Meredith said. "I know you didn't go all out at Christmas because you wanted to buy their love, even if it felt like that ..."

"It's the best I could do," Derek said. "With me being here, and them being there … it's the only way I could make it up to them. But I'm going to be there, starting as soon as possible. I'm going to put in my two weeks in as soon as I go back to the NIH."

"But … are you sure you're going to be happy? I saw your office, and your facility is extraordinary. You have the opportunity to change the world here, Derek."

"It won't matter if I have to watch my kids grow up through a screen. Maybe we can work out something that allows me to consult and I can still be involved from Seattle, but I'm coming home, Mere. I'm coming home to you and the kids."

* * *

 _He was coming home_. Her body, still buzzed from orgasms, filled with both elation and fear. She wanted him home, but she didn't want it to be like it was before. She didn't want him to resent her for destroying his potential to make medical history and cure a bunch of terrible diseases. She wanted them to be happy, but would they ever be able to fully trust each other?

He said he was going to prove his love for her, and she wanted to believe that he would.

But she was so damn scared.

And what if they never saw Amy again?

"Meredith, there's … one more thing we should talk about," Derek said as they both started getting dressed. They had agreed it was best to go look at new phones for Derek, sooner rather than later, so they could possibly try to call Amy.

They'd discussed driving to New York to her dorm, but Derek had explained what had happened last time he'd barged in unexpectedly. Apparently Amy was more like Meredith than Meredith had even imagined. Meredith had hoped Amy wasn't that type of girl, but she was a young woman and a very beautiful one. Meredith couldn't say she was surprised.

"Hm?"

"It's complicated," Derek admitted. "But … you didn't think it was _odd_ that Amy told the property manager that she was my daughter?"

"Um, no. She needed to get into your apartment, so it makes sense to me," Meredith said.

"Right. " Derek frowned.

"Why would that be odd?" Meredith asked.

* * *

How the hell was he was supposed to go about telling Meredith that they might have sex years before they knew each other? It was crazy. Bizarre, even. Meredith surely wouldn't believe him. She'd think he was even more nuts if he confessed that he'd already sent out DNA samples from both him and Amy for comparison.

He and Meredith were finally on the mend after months of struggling. For the first time in months, he truly felt like they might be okay. The last thing he wanted was to upset her now, but she needed to know sooner rather than later, and she needed to hear it from him before his mother – or worse, one of the sisters – blabbed it at one of the future holidays they'd discussed bringing the kids to New York.

"This is going to sound crazy," Derek said, deciding he might as well just cut to the chase, "but what if … hypothetically … I was Amy's biological father?"

Meredith stared at him, point blank, then she burst into laughter. She laughed so hard that tears squirted from her eyes, obviously for an entirely different reason than her earlier tears.

"Why would you even think that? That would mean … " Her laughter stopped. "No, it's not possible. That's ridiculous."

"You hesitated," Derek pointed out. "So, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, you think it's a possibility."

"I did not hesitate," Meredith argued. "I said it's ridiculous … because it is!"

"I know it is," Derek sighed.

"Weren't you married to Addison in 1994?" Meredith asked.

"I was," Derek said.

"So that would have met you would have cheated on her, _years_ before Addison cheated on you. You're not the type of guy who'd do that. Hell, there's a better chance that _Mark_ is Amy's biological father." Meredith chuckled.

"Well, if memory serves correct, just a few hours ago you were convinced I was cheating on _you_ ," Derek said. "Which means you, at one point, thought I was the type of guy who'd cheat on his wife."

"I was being insecure, I didn't actually want to believe … "

"Want to believe," Derek interrupted. "You did believe."

Meredith frowned. "Derek, I would remember if I'd screwed you nineteen years ago. In a bathroom, of all places."

"You were drunk, you said yourself your memory is hazy about that night. And if I was drunk, too … "

"We were both drunk the night we met at Joe's, and we both remember that night," Meredith said.

"I remember seeing you. You were wearing your little black dress, and I remember thinking that you were someone I needed to know … I remember feeling like I'd met you before, but I couldn't place you. Then I woke up on your living room floor. I don't remember much of what happened in between. Do you?"

"There was a lot of tequila," Meredith laughed. "I think we first did it in one of our cars, but I'll admit it's a blur … "

"Uh-hem." Derek cleared his throat.

"I named Amy after his sisters … Amy and Elizabeth. You have two sisters named Amy … erm, Amelia ... and Elizabeth," Meredith murmured. "But … what would you have been doing in Boston, Derek? This is … this is ridiculous."

"I went to a conference at The Brigham early in my residency. Strangely, your mother was a speaker; she'd just published _The Grey Method_ , and I remember being excited to hear her speak."

"You never told me that you heard my mother speak."

"You never told me you had Amy," Derek said.

Meredith sighed. "Okay, you win."

"Addison and I had a fight … our marriage was never picture-perfect. We were rocky from the start, and we always seemed to be fighting about money. Addison wanted to spend it as soon as it came in; I wanted to save for the future."

"I think some I read a statistic that most marriages end because of money-related issues," Meredith said. "I'm glad we don't have to fight about _that_."

So was Derek. He and Meredith were much better off than he and Addison had been at the beginning of their residency; money wasn't something they ever really worried about. With their combined salaries, they made enough to have everything they ever needed and put money away for the kids' college. They'd put a little dent in their funds when they'd pooled their money to buy the hospital, but they were more than financially stable.

"I convinced Amy to take a DNA test," Derek admitted.

"You what? You mean you've already told her that … oh, God, Derek. No wonder why the poor girl is so confused. I can't believe you did that."

"What was I supposed to do? Not say anything?"

"No … I don't know, Derek. This is too weird. Our lives are messy and filled with freaky coincidences, but this … this doesn't make any sense. It's strange enough that you're the one who found Amy in the first place. I don't think our lives can handle another freaky coincidence."

"Think about it … Amy could be Bailey's full blooded sister."

The blood drained from Meredith's face.

* * *

 **Nicole's A/N: Whoa! A lot happened that chapter. So ... thoughts? We're getting close to the end ... btw, we've had a few ask us if we've forgotten about _Storm_. The answer is NO! We wanted to focus on getting this story complete first. We should be resuming with _Storm_ updates pretty soon! There's only one chapter + the epilogue left of _Ghosts of the Past_. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Irene's A/N: That's it! The very last chapter of GotP! I can't believe it's over (except for the epilogue!). It started out as a funny idea admit turned into a 18 chapter story. The beauty of fanfic!**

 **Thank you for reading and loving Amy as much as we did. And a big kudos to Nicole who basically single-handedly wrote the last 5 chapters and epilogue! She's incredible when it comes to deadlines!**

 **Again, thank you! And enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 17**

* * *

 _ **Several weeks later …**_

Amy's phone number had not been backed up in Derek's iCloud. Apparently, his phone hadn't backed up in several months because he'd run out of space, and he'd only gotten Amy's phone number in December when he'd called her. The nice guy at the cell phone store had suggested he purchase more iCloud storage space, which Derek had been quick to do. However, that didn't get him back Amy's phone number.

Weeks passed, and Derek was finally home for good. His life with Meredith, Zola, and Bailey quickly fell into a routine he wouldn't change for the world.

He thought about the DNA test results often, realizing they should be back in. They'd been mailed to Amy's, because Derek had wanted Amy to know first and that would put the power in her hands of what to do with those results. He had assumed, at the time, she would call him immediately, regardless. Of course, that was before Meredith showed up in DC and Amy fled.

Derek didn't blame Meredith for Amy's vanishing. He should have been more forthcoming with his wife from the beginning about his contact with Amy. He should have urged Amy stronger to make amends with Meredith, but he hadn't. He'd selfishly kept Amy to himself, mostly because he'd been afraid of fighting with Meredith. Amy hadn't argued with him. She didn't yell at him. Also, Amy didn't know much about his past of lying, so she'd put her whole trust in him. Yet, he felt like he'd let both Meredith and Amy down.

He was supposed to bring them together, not drive them apart. Yet, he'd moved back to Seattle and had no way of contacting Amy, short of calling his mom and asking her to show up at her dorm. However, he knew that was a terrible idea. He still hadn't filled his mother in on the Amy situation. He would rather not, although he knew it would come up eventually.

If Amy wanted to reach out to him or anyone in his family, she had their contact information. He had not changed his phone number when he'd gotten the replacement phone.

He lay awake, watching Meredith sleep like he did most mornings now. Meredith had stopped working on-call shifts and now worked fewer hours than she had when he was in DC, so they had almost every morning together with the exception of emergencies.

So far, no emergency had paged, which meant Derek could enjoy watching Meredith's chest rise and fall while listening to the hum of her snores, something he'd desperately missed in DC. It was still the wee hours of the morning, and the only sounds from the kids' baby monitors were the rhythms of their soft breaths.

He watched as Meredith's eyes slowly opened, and her blue-green irides gazed back at him.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," he said back.

"You were watching me sleep again," she said observantly.

"Yes," he admitted. "You're beautiful."

"Mmm?" She leaned in and kissed him. "You already brushed your teeth," she acknowledged.

"I couldn't sleep," Derek said.

"Because of my snoring?" Meredith frowned.

"No, not because of your snoring … I just couldn't stop thinking."

She wrinkled her forehead. "About what?"

"About this … us … everything. I'm just so happy to be back, and I want to take it all in. Being with you … it's like a breath of fresh air. I was drowning, and you saved me, Meredith. I'm so glad I'm home with you and the kids, Meredith, but I've been thinking."

"About?"

"I want more," Derek said, swallowing. "More of us."

"More?" Meredith looked perplexed at first, then her eyes widened with understanding. "Another baby?"

* * *

Derek's eyes sparkled. What he didn't know was, she was late. She hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet, but she was a week late. She smiled. It was a relief to know that Derek would be happy if she was pregnant. She didn't want to tell him it was a possibility just yet, because she didn't want to get his hopes up. She wanted to know for sure. Besides, she still had a very unstable uterus. Even if she was pregnant, there was a chance the baby would never make it to full term.

"What do you think?" Derek asked.

She kissed him again, mesmerized by his warm lips and mint-scented breath. "I love you," she said.

"Hmm, that's not a no," he hummed. She rolled on top of him under the covers, their warm flesh rubbed together as her hands moved down his torso. A soft moan escaped her lips as they connected.

The moment was interrupted by a loud shriek from Bailey's baby monitor.

Meredith rolled off Derek and wrapped the blanket around her. "I'll get him."

"He'll be okay for five minutes," Derek said, reaching for her.

She giggled, flirting.

"You are a bad, bad man, Derek Shepherd. We will just have to resume later, won't we?

* * *

Amy clutched onto the white envelope. It'd been sitting, unopened, in her dorm room for over a week now with all the other unopened envelopes. She'd tried to open it a couple times, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

She didn't have classes because it was Good Friday, so she'd caught a bus to Washington DC.

Amy knew she should call Derek. Apologize for walking out. Surely he had a new cell phone by now, but she was scared. Scared of what, exactly?

She was scared of finding out what had happened after she'd left the lab. Meredith and Derek were fighting pretty heated. What if they'd filed for divorce, and it was all Amy's fault? Or maybe they'd made up. Maybe Meredith had packed up the kids and had moved to DC. Amy wasn't sure which was better … or worse. She saw how unhappy Derek looked in DC compared to when she'd seen him in Seattle last year. He clearly missed his wife and kids, and they should be together. They were a family.

A family she had never been part of.

Sometimes, she lay awake at night, wondering what life would have been like if Meredith had kept her. Would Meredith still be a rockstar surgeon? Would she have married Derek? Had Zola and Bailey? Would they have lived in a studio run-down apartment, barely scraping by and wondering where their next meal would come from?

Amy had never really experienced struggle. There was always food on her table growing up, and she always had brand-new clothes. She was grateful for that. Even after her father died, her mother always made sure they had food and clothes.

Carolyn Shepherd really was a miracle worker, because Amy's mother had thrown out every single bottle of alcohol in the house after speaking with Carolyn. She'd also revealed to Amy a few weeks ago that she'd joined Carolyn at a local soup kitchen, serving meals to the homeless on several evenings. Cooking had become an emotional release for Amy's mom. There was _always_ baked goods in the house whenever Amy visited.

Not everyone had that luxury.

Amy saw several people on the bus who clearly didn't. There were men and women and children dressed in dirty clothes that looked like they hadn't been washed in days or weeks. They had probably collected money for bus fare from cans and bottles, and begging strangers instead of asking their mother for a little extra cash.

That was a life Amy could not imagine ever living.

She was blessed, and it was all because Meredith left her for Derek to find her.

* * *

Her stomach was in knots when she arrived at Derek Shepherd's DC apartment. After all, she had dashed off without a goodbye. She probably wasn't his favorite person right now, but Amy knew he wouldn't turn her away. After all, surely he couldn't wait to read the results the letter she possessed contained.

However, when she knocked, it wasn't Derek who answered the door. It was a woman. A woman who wasn't Meredith.

Immediately her thoughts went to a dark, dark place, despite what Derek had previously proclaimed about never being able to cheat on Meredith. Maybe Meredith had come to DC to deliver divorce papers, so other women were free game enough. Derek was hot enough that he could find any woman he wanted.

Okay, she probably shouldn't be thinking thoughts like that about a man who might possibly be her biological father. It was crazy to think of Derek as her dad, considering she had had a tiny crush on him when they'd first met. She'd read some study about girls forming crushes on their fathers who'd they'd been separated from at birth. Apparently it wasn't too uncommon.

"Um, I'm looking for Derek." she told the woman. "Is he here?"

The woman's face was plagued by confusion. "Derek who?"

"Maybe I have the wrong apartment? I could have sworn this was Derek Shepherd's apartment."

"Oh, Derek Shepherd! He must be the guy who lived here before me. I've received a few letters with his name on it. He apparently forgot to list a forwarding address," the woman said, and Amy smiled in relief.

"Never mind, then," Amy said, realizing that meant Derek must have returned to Seattle with Meredith and the kids. She didn't realize how happy she'd be to discover Derek wasn't in DC.

Now where was she supposed to go after she'd wasted so much bus fare getting to DC?

Back to New York, apparently.

* * *

Amy stopped by Union Station for a little bit before catching the bus back to New York since she didn't want her trip to DC to be an entire waste. For some reason, Union Station was her favorite place in all of DC. It was beautiful, and she loved the little shops inside. Plus, there was something about watching the train go by that was entertaining and peaceful. She could watch the train come in and out all day long if she had nothing better to do.

When she arrived in New York, she found herself on the train again. This time, heading to a house she hadn't been to since Christmas. If she couldn't see Derek, she needed to see the next best thing, and Carolyn Shepherd would likely be able to confirm that Derek was back in Seattle. It was the only outcome that made sense, but Amy needed to know for sure.

She suddenly regretted not reaching out to Derek sooner. Surely he was worried about her. She knew he cared about her, like a daughter, whether she was his or not. He was just that kind of guy who felt the need to take care of anyone who would let him.

Amy approached the familiar house slowly, noticing the lights were lit inside indicating someone was home.

She took a deep breath and knocked. A few moments later, a girl who was probably only a few years younger than Amy answered the door. It took her a few moments to realize she was one of the girls at Christmas-only she'd cut her hair since then. Amy couldn't remember her name for the life of her, but the girl clearly knew her.

"What are _you_ doing here?" the girl wrinkled her nose.

Amy blushed, feeling unwelcomed, but she wasn't going to let a snotty teenager scare her away. "Is your grandmother home?"

"Hannah, who's at the door?" Amy heard a familiar voice at the door.

"It's Derek's long-lost daughter," the girl announced. _Had Derek told his family about the possibility of Derek being her father?_ Amy immediately thought, but based on the whitened, apologetic look on Carolyn's face, Amy sensed that Hannah's comment was based on family speculation only.

"Hannah, why don't you go check on Natalie upstairs?"

"I'm so sorry about her. Why don't you come in, Amy?" Carolyn said genuinely, and Amy accepted her offer.

"It's fine. We were all teenaged girls once, right?"

"True, and I raised four of them, can you believe that?" A proud smile formed on the older woman's face. Her smile quickly faded, though. "About the Derek thing … I honestly have no idea where she got that from. It certainly wasn't me." So, her daughters were gossipers. No surprise there.

"Right … anyway, that's actually why I'm here."

"Hmm?" Carolyn was clearly attentive.

"I … " She pulled the letter out of her purse. "A few weeks ago, Derek and I took a DNA test. These are the results, and I'm scared to open them. I went to DC, but … "

"Derek moved back to Seattle with Meredith and the kids," Carolyn confirmed Amy's hope.

"Good, I'm glad … I just … I don't know how to open this by myself, I guess, so I thought … maybe you could … and you can tell Derek, either way."

Amy handed Carolyn the letter.

* * *

The orgasm buzzed through Meredith's brain. They were unstoppable-she and Derek. She couldn't remember the last time they were like this, unable to keep their hands off each other.

Probably when she was pregnant with Bailey. She was so horny then. Apparently pregnancy made her horny. Her hormones could be on fire for other reasons, though … Izzie had once made an analogy to the wakening of a beast. Meredith had never been able to relate to it before, since she'd never gone through such a long dry spell. The longest she and Derek had gone without sex was when Meredith found out about Derek accepting the job with the president without even consulting her. She'd withheld it for three weeks, and it almost killed her.

Even when they were mad at each other, they still had plenty of sex. It was them. Their relationship had started with sex, so it had always seemed natural for them.

They hadn't been like bunnies since Bailey was born. Between raising two kids and pursuing two demanding careers, there simply wasn't time. Now, it was like they'd managed to make all the time in the world. Before and after surgeries. They'd even both taken a shorter lunch to escape to an on-call room.

They couldn't stop.

At least Meredith couldn't. She didn't know how Derek felt, but she knew she _needed_ him, in a way she hadn't needed him in a long, long time.

She was still late.

* * *

Derek couldn't remember the last time that Meredith had initiated their sexcapades so often. She'd been pissed with him for so long that he'd forgotten what it was like to be pursued. For a while, he had to _beg_ her to have sex with him. Now, she was dragging him away every chance he got.

Not that he would ever complain about that.

The last time she'd been like this was when she was pregnant with Bailey. She would have had sex all day, every day when she was pregnant with Bailey, and he'd loved every moment of that time in their life. He was glad she hadn't had morning sickness like his sisters all had had when they pregnant. Some women, according to Addison, actually had lower libido when they were pregnant. It was one reason Addison had been afraid to get pregnant, because she didn't want to lose her groove. She'd witnessed too many, "horror stories," as she called them, where women lost the urge to have sex after having babies.

At one point, he had wondered if that was what had happened after Bailey was born, but he didn't dare ask Meredith that question. Now, he could see that was definitely not the case. It had been them. They had been broken.

Now they felt whole again.

* * *

Meredith lay under the covers with her body pressed to Derek's body. She'd just collapsed on top of him, and she wanted to go again. She had a surgery scheduled in an hour, and a resident was supposed to be prepping her patient. Hopefully, she wouldn't be needed so she could share every moment possible with her skin again Derek's.

She kissed his neck and listened to the beat of his heart, savoring as his body heat encompassed her. "Mmm," she heard him hum. She ran her fingers through his dark hair, noting the few grey swirls that had attached to his hair in recent months. DC had aged him. She massaged his head with thumbs.

His hand stroked her shoulder, sending a shiver down her spine.

* * *

The softness of her skin pressed against his hand as he stroked her shoulder. Her scalp massage felt so good. He loved when she ran her fingers through his hair.

Her blue-green eyes were twinkling. He admired her glowing face from below her.

"I love you," he told her, having made every effort to tell her that as much as possible. He really truly had meant it when he'd told her that he was going to prove her that she was his everything.

"Good," was her reply. His heart dropped, having hoped to hear something else.. "Because I think I love you, too." His heart rejoiced when he heard those words from her.

"You think?"

"I might," she said, blushing.

"Mmm, I guess I'll take it," he said, pressing his lips around her ear.

"Derek … "

* * *

She swallowed thickly. She already knew the answer to her horniness. Earlier, when she'd first arrived at the hospital, she'd snatched a couple tests from the clinic. She took one right away that morning.

Meredith had told Derek about Bailey when she was only three weeks. She'd found out about Bailey by chance, at her yearly physical. This was different. And she was most likely farther along than three weeks, but it was hard to tell … they'd been like bunnies lately.

She wasn't going to go cheesy this time, though. The test was still in her scrub pants. She reached over Derek and picked up her scrub pants. Before she could do anything, though, the test fell out. She watched Derek's eyes widen.

"Meredith, what's this?" he asked, picking up the pregnancy test. His eyes widened. "Is … is this yours?"

"No, it's Amelia's. I'm just keeping it safe for her." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Really?" Derek looked dumbfounded.

"If you seriously thought I'd do that, Derek, seriously I think you overestimate me. Or you're just really gullible. _Of course_ it's mine."

"You're pregnant?" Derek asked, still seemingly dumbfounded.

"Well, according to this … it'd appear so. I mean, it's not confirmed or anything, but you know as well as I know that there are rarely ever false positives. So … I guess?" Derek squeezed her with his arms.

"We're having another baby, and we only started trying a few hours ago?

"It looks like you've got super sperm or something, but I wouldn't get too excited just yet. Remember, hostile uterus."

"It's going to be all right. Everything's going to be all right," Derek said too confident for Meredith's dark and twisty mind. "We're having another baby … I can't believe this."

"Neither can I," Meredith confessed as it sunk in. "We're going to be outnumbered, Derek."

"We are," he laughed. "I can't wait."

Then his new iPhone 6 buzzed to signal an incoming call.

* * *

"A page?" Meredith asked as Derek reached for his phone on the floor.

It wasn't a page, though. It was his mother. His mother had always been known for her convenient timing.

"It's my mom," he said.

"Don't tell her! She'll tell your whole family," Meredith insisted. "It's too soon."

"I know," he said, rubbing Meredith's shoulder. "Don't worry, I won't tell her."

"Good, because I'd have to kill you," Meredith said adamantly.

Derek smirked and answered his phone. He decided to put it on speaker, since it'd be a good opportunity to show his mother that he and Meredith were doing great. He knew she worried about them. "Hey, Ma. Don't say anything you don't want Meredith to hear, because she's right here with me." He wrapped his arm around Meredith's shoulder. They'd both sat back up on the bed and had redressed.

"Hi, you two lovebirds," his mother's gentle voice came through the speaker, crystal clear. "Hey, I'm calling to congratulate you both."

Derek eyeballed Meredith. "Um … on what?" He knew his mother had pregnancy spidey senses, but as far as he knew they weren't _that_ good.

"On your new child," his mother replied with ease. "I have to admit, I was surprised. What were the odds?"

"What? Are you wiretapping us?" Meredith blurted out. Derek was glad it was her and not him.

"Why, no, why in Heaven would I be doing that? No, actually Amy just came over, and she brought the DNA test results with her. She wanted me to tell you both the results, but she also asked for some privacy so she could also digest the results on her own. Do you have more news for me?"

 _ **END**_

 _ **(For now...)**_

* * *

 **Nicole's A/N: And ... that's it. For now. Thank you all so much for joining us on this ride. A special thanks to Irene for helping me with this story. I desperately wanted the other woman on the phone to be someone other than who it ended up being, so that's how this story came to be.**

 **While there won't be a sequel, (I know, wouldn't that be fun?) there will be an epilogue posted next week. The epilogue will answer many of your unanswered questions. Yes, you'll get to read Meredith's letters to Amy. :)**

 **This is the last story I'll be posting on my account for now (since _Storm_ is on Irene's). I won't say forever; however, I'm currently writing an original novel that requires most of my attention. Also, I recently launched a lifestyle blog. PM me if you're interested in following my original writing journey. :) I would love to have your support! **

**xoxo Nicole**


	18. Chapter 18

**Irene's A/N: This is really it. The epilogue. This story was born randomly, one summer day when talking about freaky coincidences and lighter themes to counterbalance the Storm plot. Amy and her sass showed up and she didn't want to leave us alone. A year and 17 chapters later, here we are. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as we had fun writing it. Thank you for staying with us on this journey and thank Nicole for all her hard work on this last part. See you for the next Storm chapter, I hope!**

* * *

 **Epilogue**

* * *

Amy held the first letter in her hand, her finger quivering over the crease. Should she open it? If she opened it, would she have to open all the rest, too? Maybe she should wait. No, she couldn't wait anymore.

She tore the envelope open.

 _Dear Baby,_ she read. The handwriting was chicken scratch, much like her own. Her parents used to tease her that she was destined to be a doctor, because her handwriting was so messy. She cringed at Meredith's use of the word, "Baby," until she continued:

 _There's a chance you'll never read this letter. Your eyes might be about as fully formed as they're going to get, but it'll be months before you can see the three dimensional world; and years before you'll be able to read these words._

 _These past months have been an adventure . . . one I wouldn't take back. Sweet baby, you have no idea how much love I have for you. I never understood how much a mother could love her baby until you came along._

 _Pregnancy is scary . . . especially when you're young and without a partner, but nothing can substitute for feeling you move inside of me. At first, I thought it was gas, but then the movements grew stronger, and I began looking forward to them because it meant you were okay._

 _I'm glad you're okay._

 _With love,_

 _Your mommy._

Tears welled in Amy's eyes. She saw the date at the top of the letter. January 1996. Meredith was about six months pregnant with her, then.

 _Dear Baby,_

 _No words can describe the way I feel about you. I'm not usually this sentimental. I'm not an emotional person. It must be the darn pregnancy hormones. I cry over everything now._

 _I just want you to know that you are loved. You'll always be loved, no matter where you are in this world. No matter where I am in this world._

 _Just know, you are loved._

 _With so much love,_

 _Your mommy_

As Amy continued reading, she wondered if there was a point that Meredith had considered keeping her. Was she toying back and forth with the possible options? At what point had she decided to give her away?

 _Dear Baby,_

 _I need to name you . . . I can't keep calling you, Baby, can I? Especially since you're not going to be a baby when and if you read these letters._

 _Except . . . I don't know what to name you. Should I be the one to name you? Somehow, I don't feel qualified to name something as precious as you._

 _I'll think about it and get back to you._

 _With love,_

 _Mommy_

The next one read:

 _Dear Daughter,_

 _I haven't thought of a name for you, yet, but it's not fair for me to address you as, "Baby," for you are much more than a baby now. You are my daughter. You always will be my daughter, no matter who you call, "Mom."_

 _Sometimes I think of me pushing you on the swings at the playground, or going to Disney World together. Wouldn't that be fun? I've never been myself, but I would take you someday if I could._

 _You deserve to have a mom who will take you places and who will show you the world. You deserve to have a mom who will take you trick-or-treating on Halloween and wrap tons of presents for you at Christmas, and take pictures while you open them!_

 _You deserve the best, sweet girl._

 _With love,_

 _Mommy_

Amy's parents had taken her to Disney World when Caden was four and she was eleven. It had been so much fun. They always went trick-or-treating, even this last year, and Christmas had been a huge affair at home until her dad died. Christmas was only a few weeks away now, and it just didn't feel the same without her dad even though her mother had quit drinking cold turkey after Carolyn's lecture.

She opened the next letter.

 _Dear Amy,_

 _I decided on a name for you, though I don't know if your new family will keep it or not. You're no longer with me, and I miss you. I miss you so, so much, but I know in my heart that it's for the best. Like I said in my last letter, you deserve nothing but the best life. I can't provide you with the best life. I'm just a kid myself. I have dreams of my own, and I'm too selfish to include you in them. I know you're going to think I'm the worst person in the world for this, but believe me, one day I hope you'll thank me should we ever meet again. You're going to live an amazing life, Amy, and it's because you're not with me._

 _Still with love,_

 _Your other mommy_

Amy noted the tone difference in this letter versus the previous ones. It was harsher, though Amy was pretty sure there were more tear stains on this letter than there had been on the ones previous.

It became apparent to Amy that the following letters had all been written _after_ she was born. She wondered how soon after her birth, as she looked at the dates. The very first one, the one she'd just read, had been written on the same day as Amy was born. The following one, was several years later.

 _Dear Amy,_

 _It's been years since I've written to you, but I thought of you today. Today was my first day of residency. I'm officially a doctor, can you believe that? All day, all I could think about was how I wish you could see me now. I'm no longer the scared teenager I was when I held you in my arms. Well, I'm still scared. Life is scary. It's messy, and it's complicated and we're all screwed._

 _But I'm a surgeon. You're the daughter of the surgeon._

 _I hope that, if one day you decide to come looking for me that you'll be proud, and you'll understand why I made the decision I made._

 _You might think it was selfish, but I truly was only thinking of your best interest at the time. Maybe it's selfish that I put my career before you. I guess it kind of is, isn't it? I just . . . I don't know what else to say._

 _One day, I hope you'll forgive me._

 _Love,_

 _Dr. Meredith Grey aka your other mother_

Then there was one a few months later.

 _Dear Amy,_

 _Ever since you were born, I've looked at little girls your age and wondered if one might be you. I imagine your features, but then I wonder . . . do you look like me? You looked like me the day I saw you, except for your eyes. You definitely have your dad's eyes, whoever he is._

 _Today, while I was looking at the babies in the nursery, it occurred to me that you're no longer a little girl. You're a teenager! I hope you're nothing like me as a teenager . . . I was horrible. Okay, not super horrible. I didn't do drugs or steal or anything like that, but I wore a lot of black and hung out with the wrong crowd. We drank way too much tequila. Wait until you're twenty-one to drink, if you can, though I know it will be tempting to give into peer pressure._

 _Okay, now I sound_ _like_ _your mom, I guess? I hope your mom is telling you all those things._

 _Love,_

 _Your other mother_

The next one was around five or so years later.

 _Dear Amy,_

 _I felt guilty when I felt your little brother move today._

 _That's right, you're going to have a baby brother._

 _And you have a sister. Her name is Zola. My husband, Derek, and I adopted her from Malawi. She was a patient of ours, and she has spina bifida. It's a really mild form, and Derek put a shunt in her brain (he's a neurosurgeon), so she's a healthy toddler now! I wish you could meet her; I'm sure you'd love each other._

 _I don't want you to think I've forgotten you because I've started a new family. It doesn't mean I love you any less. I understand if you feel that way, because that's how I felt when I learned my father had started a new family with his new wife. My dad was never really there for me when I was growing up, but he was there for his other daughters, my half-sisters._

 _It's not about loving you any less. It's about timing, and I'm at a time in my life where I'm happy and I'm ready to be a mommy._

 _I'm sorry I couldn't be your mommy when you needed me._

 _With love,_

 _Meredith_

Before she could open the last letter, the pilot announced the plane was landing.

* * *

"I feel like I'm about to pop any minute," Meredith groaned. Her back was killing her as she leaned against the front desk counter, eying Derek, who was eying his tablet. She had no idea what he was looking at, and she had no problem openly griping about her pumpkin-sized status in front of the whole hospital. It was no secret, after all. She was carrying McBaby #3, and the whole world knew it.

They were having a girl, and from the moment Meredith found out she was carrying a girl, all she could think about was her first pregnancy. It had been nineteen years since she was pregnant with a girl. She was twice the age now she'd been when she was pregnant with her first daughter, and the pregnancy showed.

Meredith had no idea how she'd managed to work the hours she'd worked when she was pregnant with Amy. Hell, she couldn't remember being this exhausted when she was pregnant with Bailey. Had two years really slowed her down so much? She knew pregnancy after thirty-five was considered more dangerous, and with her history, she was a walking case of danger. Her OB-GYN was watching her like a hawk, though, and so far, everything had been smooth-sailing.

Derek being back in Seattle made matters easier. He'd worked out a deal with the president so he could still be involved with the BRAIN initiative from Seattle. They had launched a Seattle-based study, which was stationed at Grey Sloan Memorial. Derek had enlisted a few interns on his team, but he worked fewer hours than he had when initially started working on the project last year from Seattle. He had his interns doing most of the work and reporting to him. Everything was running swell in that department.

They were better than ever, and really only argued about silly things now, like what to name the baby. Derek wanted to name the baby after his mother. Carolyn or Carrie. Meredith had warmed up to the idea of naming the baby Ellis, because over time Meredith had accepted the choices her mother had made. When Derek was away, Meredith truly came to understand her mother's point of view, and why she hadn't been around much. She had left the only man she truly loved in Seattle. She'd worked her ass off to escape her thoughts. Meredith had thrown herself into work when Derek was away, because it was the only way she could stop thinking about him. That's why Ellis was always at the hospital. It wasn't that she didn't care about Meredith; it was that her heart had been ripped apart when Richard chose Adele.

What Meredith couldn't place together was why Ellis hadn't used her pregnancy with Maggie to keep Richard. She knew that wasn't what she was doing now, since Derek had come back to Seattle long before Meredith even knew she was pregnant. Still, Ellis could have told Richard about Maggie. The outcome might have been different.

It was the butterfly effect. What if Meredith had kept Amy? Or what if she had told Derek about Amy sooner? Derek would have sought Amy out sooner, and the rest would be history. How would Amy have reacted if Meredith and Derek had been the ones to find her first?

Maybe she wouldn't be somewhere on the other side of the country, infuriated with Meredith.

It was history now, and there was nothing Meredith could do about it.

It occurred to her that Derek wasn't even listening to her rant. "Uh-hem," she cleared her throat. "Did you even hear me?" She nudged Derek.

"Huh?" He looked up, glassy eyed from his intent gaze on his iPad. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy," she smiled, flirtatiously.

"You're a hot peach," he teased and leaned over to kiss her. She didn't even care about the public display of affection, even though she usually tried to keep that to a minimum. She just wanted Derek's attention. She wanted to be close to him. "And so are you." He rested his hands on her belly, and she half expected him to bend down and kiss her belly there in public. But he didn't.

"You better not be calling our daughter hot," Meredith teased.

"Oh, our daughter will be hot. She's going to be a lady's man if she's anything like her mother," Derek winked. "And we know your genes are dominant."

"Unfortunately," Meredith rolled her eyes. She looked straight ahead and could have sworn she was looking at herself in the mirror.

* * *

Her heart skipped two beats when she saw them. They looked so happy and flirtation. Derek's hands were on Meredith waist . . . and . . . Amy couldn't believe what she was seeing.

Meredith was pregnant, and heavily pregnant for sure. She looked like she could pop any minute.

Welp, she hadn't seen _that_ coming.

And she was looking straight at Amy.

Amy turned to bolt, but Meredith and her pregnant self lunged toward her and pinched her shoulder. She dragged her into a nearby room, which appeared to be a lounge. Derek followed, and closed the door behind them.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith hissed.

"I-"

But before Amy could finish her sentence, Meredith continued, "It sure as hell looked like you were going to run, and no, you're not running. Not when you're all the way here in Seattle, which obviously means you're here to see us, and if you came all the way here you're not running again. Trust me, I know a thing or two about running. I ran from my parents, you know. I waited for years to see my dad after he walked out on us, then when I finally had the chance to see him, I couldn't give him the time of day. Of course, that was years after I ran to Europe before I found out my mom had Alzheimer's. I thought she just didn't care to remember anything I told her. So, no, you are not running, Amy Elizabeth. You're going to stay here and listen to what I have to say."

"And that's?" Amy asked, taken aback by Meredith's rant. She was pretty sure it wasn't good for her or the baby, but she definitely wasn't about to argue with a pregnant woman.

"I'm sorry I reacted the way I did when you showed up here last year. You have to understand, I was in shock. I'd . . . never imagined our reunion would be like that. I thought I would be the one to seek you out, not the other way around. I left no contact information on purpose, because I didn't want to be blindsided one day. You blindsided me, Amy, and I'm sorry that I treated you the way I did. I expected your reaction, believe me, I knew I wouldn't be your favorite person in the world. It's not easy to feel like you've been abandoned."

"It's not," Amy agreed. "And unwanted."

"I never didn't want you, Amy."

"I . . . know," Amy said. "I read the letters." A spark ignited in Meredith's eyes.

"You did?" she whispered, her hand falling on her balloon belly.

"I did. Just a little bit ago on the plane. Except the last one." Her eyes froze then on Meredith, noticing a crimson red in Meredith's midsection. Amy looked at Derek, who appeared to be seeing the same. The pigment drained from Meredith's skin, and she fell into Derek's arms.

* * *

Derek's heart raced as he held Meredith's body in his arms. She was still conscious.

"Mer, stick with me," he said.

"I'm . . . I'm okay," she said. "Quick, page 911."

Derek nodded, throwing his phone to Amy, too distraught to think clearly. "Open my phone . . . there's no password. Go to Dr. Bailey and text her 911. Tell her we need to prep an OR, NOW! Also, page OB. It's under OB . . . Meredith's doctor is Dr. Ryan, but tell them to send whoever's on call." He picked up Meredith and ran into the hall. "Quick! We need a gurney!" He shouted, capturing the attention of a few nurses, who reacted immediately.

He knew they had to hurry. He held Meredith's hand as they headed toward the OR.

"Dr. Bailey says OR 3 is clear!" Amy announced, running behind them.

"Derek, relax. It's going to be 'kay," Meredith's voice was feeble, and the fear in her eyes told him that she wasn't sure if she believed those words, that she was just saying that to make him feel better. Hearing her say those words, in a way, did make him feel better.

He nodded, kissing her forehead. When they arrived at the OR, he saw Dr. Robbins and Dr. Bailey.

"You're a fetal surgeon, not OB," Derek protested.

"Dr. Ryan is delivering triplets in OR 4 and everyone else is off, so you're stuck with me," Robbins replied. "What happened?" She looked at Meredith.

"S-She just started bleeding," Derek said. He knew what was likely happening, but he couldn't bring himself to diagnose it.

"It's a placental abruption," Amy said confidently.

"Who's this?" Dr. Bailey asked. "She looks too young to be an intern."

"I'm a medical student," Amy said; Derek noting the slight fib. "Okay, pre-med," Amy rolled her eyes. "But I know what a placental abruption is. You have to act fast."

Dr. Bailey grimaced, taking the reigns of the gurney. "That's what we're doing. Derek, you know the drill . . ."

"You're . . . you're going to have to deliver the baby," Derek stammered. "It's the only way you can save my wife, and I need to be there for my daughter's birth."

"Derek, we can't have you in there, but you need to go get some O neg. She's already lost so much blood. Hurry!" Dr. Bailey snapped into Nazi mode, and Derek couldn't argue with her anymore.

* * *

When Amy heard the mention of blood, her stomach tightened.

"What's your blood type?" Derek asked as she followed him to the blood bank.

"It's, uh, O positive."

"That's Meredith's blood type," Derek said.

"Oh," Amy murmured, cursing herself. "I wish I could help, but . . . I can't."

"Do you have a condition that prevents you from donating? You're tiny, barely heavy enough I guess. Meredith couldn't donate until after she gained ten pounds when she was pregnant with Bailey."

"Yeah . . . I'm only 108 pounds," Amy said, though she was 112 at her last doctor's visit. She'd weighed 108 since she was sixteen. 110 when she was on her period, but her hemoglobin was too low then since she was borderline anemic anyway. She'd never successfully donated blood.

"Ah, you have to be 110 to donate. I'm sure you'll fill out in the next couple years," Derek said. It felt odd talking about her weight with a man . . . a man who was her biological father, but she was going to be a doctor, and she supposed it would soon be normal conversation. Surely there would be stranger conversations to be had.

"Meredith and I have the same blood type, but it'll be too late by the time I donate," Derek said. They rushed to the blood bank and grabbed a couple stacks of O-neg, both racing back to OR3. Apparently Dr. Bailey really didn't want Derek in the OR, because she had a nurse or intern or someone waiting outside, blocking Derek's entrance. Amy's stomach churned, having a horrible feeling that something terrible was going to happen since Dr. Bailey wouldn't let them in the OR.

"Are they okay?" Amy pleaded.

"I know nothing. I'm just supposed to keep Dr. Shepherd out. Whoever you are, keep him out, okay?" the intern/nurse/whoever said, and Amy's heart sank. She'd just finally decided to come to Seattle to get to know Meredith, and now it might be too late.

"She can't die," Amy said out loud, and she watched the tears rolling down Derek's cheeks as they found a seat in the hallway outside the OR. "It's not fair . . . she can't."

"What's going on?" a man's voice interrupted Amy's plea. She hadn't met the man before. "I got a page from Dr. Robbins that Meredith was in the OR. Is the baby okay? What's going on?"

"We don't know anything," Derek said.

"What? They're keeping you in the dark? I'll go in there . . . "

"No you won't!" a sharp voice interrupted. It was dark-skinned older man Amy had also never seen before. Beside him, a curly-haired light-dark skinned female.

"Someone has to tell us something," the woman said as another woman appeared. Amy recognized this woman from her previous visit to Seattle. Dr. She Shepherd. Derek's sister. Her aunt?

"Who's she?" Alex asked, pointing at Amy.

"Hey, isn't that the girl who hit on you last year?" Dr. She Shepherd asked; Amy was surprised she remembered that. Amy blushed.

"I . . . " Derek said. "Ideally, Meredith would be here for me to tell you all this, but . . . this is Amy."

"I thought I was your only Amy," Amy rolled her eyes.

"Well, you hate being called Amy," Derek shot, fire in his eyes. "Anyway, by some odd coincidence, Meredith and I met at a bar in Boston when I was at a conference there. One thing led to another, and apparently we conceived a baby. And . . . this is Amy."

"What?" everyone gasped.

"Dude, you're making shit up," the white guy said.

"Alex, no . . . I'm afraid not."

"Wait, how old is Amy?" Amelia asked. "And why was she named after me?"

"Well, her full name is Amy Elizabeth." Amelia's face whitened at that.

"I'm nineteen," Amy replied.

"You cheated on Addison first?" Amelia gasped and she punched her brother. "I cannot BELIEVE you, you ass! You made her feel like crap all these years for cheating on you with Mark. You freaking asshole. You had better call Addie and apologize!" Amelia punched Derek a few more times.

"Hey, hey . . . I barely even remember the encounter. I think I was so embarrassed and ashamed, that I repressed it from my memory. I only started having flashbacks after Amy showed up here last spring. I . . . know I messed up. I'm still trying to figure out how I'll tell Addison."

"Here, I'll help you." She Shep pulled out her phone.

"Hey," Amy sniped. "Do you think you could cut the guy a little slack? I mean, he was young and stupid. They both were. And it's been years. Do you really think his ex-wife is going to give a rat's ass? And speaking of which, his wife and baby are in a life and death situation right now, and all you freaking care about is him apologizing for a mistake he made nineteen years ago? Seriously, grow the fuck up and get your priorities straight. I don't care if you're my aunt and namesake or not!" Amy shouted louder than she had planned.

Amelia's eyes widened. "Yep, she's definitely yours and Meredith's."

Just then, Dr. Robbins came out. "Derek, there's someone you should meet."

* * *

Arizona rolled the baby out in her incubator. Born at 34 weeks, two weeks before Bailey, she was tinier than Bailey had been. Her hair, though, was light like Bailey's. Her eyes were still closed, so Derek couldn't tell if the baby had Bailey's, Amy's, and his blue eyes, but he already sensed that she did. She had Meredith's nose . . . the same nose that Amy and Bailey had. Dr. Robbins handed him a pair of gloves that he quickly put on, so he could reach inside the incubator and touch his daughter.

"She's a little small, but otherwise she's perfect. We'll want to monitor her tonight in the NICU, but her lungs are strong. I don't think she'll have to stay long," Dr. Robbins updated them.

Derek's eyes filled with tears. "And Mere?"

"Dr. Bailey's sewing her up right now. She lost a lot of blood and did lose consciousness, but we think she'll make a full recovery. Before she was knocked out, she asked that you stay with the baby until she wakes up. Meredith was very optimistic that everything would be okay."

"And the baby's name? Any last requests?" Derek choked up, wishing he could be as optimistic as his wife.

"She said you'd talk about it when she woke up. Like I said, she was very optimistic. Not sure where dark and twisty Meredith went."

"I think she transferred it all to me," Derek sighed, feeling more dark and twisty than he should looking at his new beautiful daughter.

"I'll take over it from here," Alex said, taking ahold of the incubator, and Derek, Alex, and Amy headed for the NICU, leaving the rest of the crowd behind.

* * *

When Meredith opened her eyes, she was met with a face identical to hers.

"How is she?" Meredith asked. "Is Derek with her?"

Amy nodded. "Yes, he hasn't left her side. He asked me to check on you. I'm glad I was here when you woke up."

Meredith smiled. "Me, too."

"I was worried," Amy admitted. "I couldn't imagine never getting to know you . . . I thought I'd waited too long, and I was going to regret that for the rest of my life. Well, I regret it already. I should have come sooner."

"You would have come last Christmas if the weather had allowed," Meredith smiled.

"True," Amy shrugged.

"Maybe you were supposed to wait until now," Meredith said. "I guess, there's a reason things are the way they are."

"Yeah," Amy agreed. "There's a reason, all right."

"I'm glad you're here," Meredith smiled. "How is she? The baby?"

"Beautiful," Amy said. "She looks like me in the picture my parents took of me the day I came home from the hospital. A little tinier, but the features are the same." Amy walked over to her bag and pulled out a small photo album. She brought the album over to Meredith. "I thought, maybe you'd want to see some pictures of me when I was little, so I brought this." She opened to the first page and showed Meredith the first photo in the album. "This is me, the day I came home with my parents. I was three days old."

Meredith's eyes watered when she saw the tiny face, the one she remembered from so long ago. She stroked the photo with her finger, noting how happy the man and the woman in the photo looked.

"They were so happy," she said.

Amy nodded. "They were . . . they'd tried for three years to have a baby before they adopted me. Of course, then came my brother . . . "

"It tends to work like that," Meredith laughed. "The kids, gosh. Where are Zola and Bailey?"

"Callie took them home. Something about a playdate with Sofia," Amy answered. "Oh, I kind of told your sister-in-law off."

"Amelia?"

Amy nodded. "I don't think she likes me very much."

Meredith laughed. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because she was being a brat to Derek . . . Derek kind of told everyone about me, that I'm your daughter and everything. Amelia made a big stink about it, and threatened to call his ex-wife."

Meredith frowned. "He should tell her," she agreed.

"Yeah, but her timing was kind of terrible," Amy said. "It was when you were in the OR. By the way, what's the baby's name? Everyone's making bets, apparently. Alex is betting on Robbin or Arizona, since you named Bailey after Dr. Bailey saved your life."

Meredith giggled. "I don't think so. I think Derek and I are going to have to talk about that still. If you get me a wheelchair, we can go meet him in the NICU."

"Um . . . your incisions still need to heal. I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"We'll make it work," Meredith said. "I've done this before."

"Shouldn't we ask Dr. Bailey?"

"Dr. Bailey, Dr. Smailey." Meredith rolled her eyes.

* * *

"Okay . . . " Amy didn't want to fight her biological mother when she was just starting to sort of like her. She went ahead and grabbed a wheelchair from the hall. She really hoped Meredith wouldn't rip her stitches; Amy would feel terrible if that happened. Slowly, she helped Meredith into the chair, watching Meredith wince as she found a position that appeared less painful. Amy still wasn't comfortable with sneaking around like this, but it seemed like something Meredith was used to doing.

She rolled Meredith to the NICU, as she requested. Somehow, they managed to avoid all other staff personnel. It was the middle of the night, so that probably helped.

* * *

An uncannily familiar woman had entered the OR with a man Derek didn't recognize in the least. The triplets Dr. Ryan had been delivering were also in the NICU with his baby daughter. They were in the incubators next to her. Three girls. Their names were Daisy, Petunia, and Violet. All flower names, he noted. They couldn't be bigger than two pounds each, all significantly smaller than his new baby girl.

Their mother looked so damn familiar, but he couldn't place her.

"Hey, Dad!" he heard a familiar voice. His heart leaped when he turned around and saw Amy coming toward him, pushing Meredith.

He was too shocked to see Meredith to respond Amy's use of the word _Dad_. "Meredith! You're awake. You shouldn't be here, should you? Did Dr. Bailey say it was okay to be here?"

"Oh, please. You couldn't keep me from my girl any longer," Meredith retorted. "I can't lose another moment with my babies." She looked up at Amy.

"Derek? Meredith?" a voice gasped, and Derek turned toward the mother of the triplets. That's when it dawned on him.

"Rose?" Derek's eyes widened.

"Rose? There's only one Rose I know . . . " Meredith's eyes widened. "You . . . you're the scrub nurse."

Derek noted the confusion on all the women's faces surrounding him.

"You have a new baby?" Rose asked, eying the incubator in front of Derek. "Ah, a new little girl. Well, I see you two are still together. Everyone told me you were meant to be, and I see they were right."

"Yeah, and you're married now?"

Rose nodded. "My husband, Antonio, is wonderful. We went through three rounds of in-vitro, and finally all our hard work paid off. Three healthy babies. Of course, they have a long road ahead, but I'm optimistic. I'm healthy. They're healthy. We're all healthy and happy. God is good."

"He sure is," Derek agreed. "I'm glad you're happy, Rose. You deserve to be happy."

"Thanks. You, too!" Rose smiled. Then her gaze directed to Amy. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear. Did she call you _Dad_? You never mentioned having a daughter when we were together."

"Um . . . it's complicated," Derek said, eying Meredith who laughed.

"Wait, you two?" Rose pointed between the two. "Wow, the gossip mill never filled me in on that one. Go figure. I never had a chance, did I?"

Derek shook his head, placing his hand on Meredith's shoulder. "I'm afraid not."

"Oh well," Rose shrugged, heading back to her babies.

"Um, who was that?" Amy whispered.

Meredith and Derek looked at each other and giggled. "We'll tell you when you're older," the both said at the same time.

"Um, okay." Amy frowned. "But can you at least tell me my new sister's name?"

"Baby sister!" a little girl's scream filled the room.

"Shhh," Alex's voice soothed as Zola ran toward Derek, Meredith, and Amy. She was dressed in scrubs and gloves. "She couldn't wait, so I snuck her in."

"Uncle Alex gots me all 'tected, so I don't gets baby any germs!" Zola announced proudly, showing off her gloved hands.

"Did he, now?" Meredith smiled.

"Bailey's in the nursery still, napping," Alex explained.

"What my baby sis's name?" Zola demanded. "Can it be Princess?"

Derek and Meredith laughed. "Your baby sister is a princess," Meredith said, "but I think we should name her something more . . . what about Princess Ella?"

"Ella Carolyn Shepherd?" Derek suggested.

"What a pretty name," Amy agreed, smiling at her new little sister. "Hi, Baby Ellie."

"Amy!" Zola noticed Amy then for the first time.

"Do you remember me, Zola?" Amy asked.

Zola nodded. "You singed with me!"

"She still sings that song you sang with her last spring," Meredith chuckled.

"We stand on floors, and we sit on chairs!" Zola sang, clapping her hands.

* * *

Two days later, they were all home, happy, and healthy. Amy had been a huge help. Derek had never considered the advantages of having an older daughter could bring. He wished Amy had been there when Bailey was a newborn. Life would have been a lot easier on him and Meredith.

He was in awe of Ellie as he looked over her crib. The small crib was set up in their room, since he'd thought they'd have more time to get the nursery ready. Princess Ella had other plans. She would be moved to her room once it was finished and ready for her.

In the meantime, she would share with them. It made nighttime wake-up calls easier, too. Derek hoped Ella wouldn't be a screamer like Bailey.

Meredith appeared deep in thought on the bed. "Hey, what's on your mind?" he asked.

"You know, Amelia's right," Meredith said.

"That was random. What's Amelia have to do with anything?"

"You have to tell Addie that you cheated first."

Derek sighed. "Does it really matter? It's been almost twenty years."

Meredith furrowed her eyebrows. "Derek . . ."

"Okay. I'll call her right now, say, 'Guess what, Addie? You're not the one who wrecked our marriage! I did. I slept with Meredith before I even knew she was Meredith. Oh, and we had a daughter!' Sounds like a fantastic conversation to have with my ex-wife."

"You have to be honest with her. It's only fair she knows, and she has to hear it from you. It might be ancient news, and maybe she won't care, but you still should tell her," Meredith urged.

"Okay." Derek said, sitting on the bed. "I'll call her right now."

So he did just that.

"Derek?" Addie's voice filled his ear.

"Hey, Addie. How are you?"

"Fine . . . you don't call me to ask how I am, though. So what's up? Do you need a consult or something?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "Everything's great. Actually, Meredith and I just got home from the hospital. We have a new baby girl. Her name is Ella."

"Congrats! So you called me to tell me you and Meredith have a new baby? I could have found that out on Facebook," Addison said.

"That's not it . . . um, there's something else."

"Okay, can you hurry? I'm about to deliver septuplets."

"Wow, you're busy. Um, yeah, well this is awkward, and old business for what it's worth. But just so you know, you weren't the one who ruined our marriage. I did only a few months after we were married. I cheated on you, Addie."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"The conference I went to in Boston. Remember that? When you went on vacation with Sam and Naomi?"

"Kind of. I don't know, there were a few conferences you went to and I went on vacation with Sam and Naomi. You were such a penny pincher and didn't want to do anything fun. Wait, you were cheating on me all those times?"

"No, not all those times. Just one time . . . apparently I met Meredith at a bar and, well, you know the rest."

"I'm really confused right now. This is ancient history, Derek."

"Well, Meredith and I have a nineteen-year-old daughter. Her name is Amy Elizabeth. Meredith gave her up for adoption when she was just a few hours old, and I found her. I don't suppose you remember the baby we found outside NY Pres?"

"The baby in the cardboard box with the post-it note? That baby?"

"Yes, that baby."

"I always thought she looked like you, but I convinced myself it was a weird coincidence. I told Mark that if I didn't know better, that baby was yours. The way you looked at her, too . . . I was jealous, because I wanted you to look at our baby like that."

Addison managed to punch Derek in the heart with those words.

"I'm sorry, Addie."

"I'm sure you are, but it was nineteen years ago. You and I were never meant for each other, obviously. You and Meredith were. If anything, this weird freaky revelation proves that. I'm glad you're happy, Derek. Now I have to go deliver these babies. Talk to you later."

And the line went dead.

"Well, she knows," Derek told Meredith. "And, as I predicted, she couldn't care less."

He watched Meredith smile as she stroked their newborn daughter's blonde hair strands.

* * *

Amy was honored that Derek and Meredith had trusted her so much, trust that she wasn't sure she deserved. Derek had even trusted her with the keys of his Porsche!

She still hadn't read the last letter. Partly, she wanted to wait to read it with Meredith and Derek. Meredith knew she'd read the letters, but she hadn't brought them up again. They'd been so busy tending to Meredith and the baby's health, that it wasn't their number one priority.

Plus, Amy was worried that when Meredith and Derek found out the truth about why she was in Seattle, all would go to shit. They would see she wasn't the daughter they thought she was, and she was really nothing but a low-life scum.

There was so much she hadn't told them yet.

She waited until all three of the children were asleep in their beds. Ellie slept in a small crib in Meredith and Derek's room, since they hadn't had time to set up the crib before her unexpected arrival. Meredith had thought she had at least two more weeks to go, since Bailey had arrived when she was 36 weeks pregnant. Amy had been born around then, too, though Meredith hadn't received consistent medical care when she was pregnant due to insurance barriers, so she hadn't known for sure how far along she was when Amy was born.

"So," she approached Meredith and Derek with the final letter in her hand. "This is the last letter . . . I never got a chance to open it."

"Oh, Amy," Meredith said. "It says everything I told you before I went into labor. There's nothing you haven't already heard in there."

"You're sure?"

"I wrote it shortly after you took off. It says everything I wanted to say but was too scared to say at the time," Meredith said. Amy tore open the letter.

 _Dear Amy:_

 _I'm not good with words. Greys never were. My mother wasn't a woman of many words, either. We're not sentimental people. It's always been difficult for me to connect with family, so I hope you'll understand that it wasn't my intent to scare you away like I did._

 _I hope you'll accept my apology._

 _Love,_

 _Meredith_

 _PS: I know I'm not your mom. You have a mom, and it sounds like she's a great one._

"You are my mom," Amy said hoarsely. She then eyed Derek. "And you're my dad . . . and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you both so much, and I'm glad to have found you."

Both Meredith and Derek had tears in their eyes when she said that.

"And . . . I totally understand why you did what you did, and you're right. I have an amazing family back east. My adopted parents always did what was best for me, though I often overlooked all the amazing things they did because I felt like something was missing . . . and now I see what was missing. It was you guys. I'm so lucky to have two families now. Thank you, Meredith, for giving me this life," Amy said, tears flooding her face. "I . . . now know I'm strong enough to raise him or her, too."

Derek and Meredith's faces froze. "Wait, what?"

"I'm . . . I'm pregnant. When I got on the plane, I wasn't sure if I could keep him or her. I came here because I wanted to seek understanding . . . to see your lives in action again, to confirm that I could eventually have everything if I gave the baby up and continued my life at Columbia, you know, to become a doctor. But . . . I got so much more than that. The minute I saw my new sister, I knew I had to keep my baby, and I have more than you had. I have two moms, a dad, and even a grandmother, all of whom I know will be with me every step of the way."

Meredith and Derek's eyes widened as they looked at each other. "We're going to be grandparents?" Derek blurted out.

"Oh, say it's not so. I'm too young to be a grandma. We're gonna have to come up with another name."

Derek laughed. "Grandma Meredith."

"Grandpa Derek," Meredith threw back.

"So you're not going to lecture me for being nineteen and pregnant?"

"Well, I'm the last person to lecture you. You might want to call your other mom for that. Have you told her?"

Amy shook her head. "I haven't . . . I told _Grandma_. Apparently my mom told her recently that she can't wait to be a grandmother, so I don't think it's going to be a huge deal . . . the bigger deal, I think, will be when I tell her I want to transfer to Seattle to finish my undergraduate."

Meredith and Derek extended their arms to embrace Amy. Their family was finally complete.

* * *

 _ **Sometimes the heroes of our tales**_

 _ **become part of our lives**_

 **-Instanzia, "Ghosts of the Past"**

* * *

 **Nicole's A/N: That's it! Thanks for your support! Now go brush up on _Storm_ because Irene and I are working on updates. :) Again, if you'd like to follow my original writing journey, PM me for info.**


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